Stink Patrick's Day

Have people nothing better to talk about? 'Parently not!
The city of Scranton, PA, hosted their big drunk-fest, er, I mean, St. Patty's parade this past Saturday. (Supposedly, it's the third-largest shamrock celebration in the nation.) Many folks--myself included-- don't really care to venture downtown on that day, because what once was a family event is now nothing but a big, unending kegger, with bars opening up at 9:00. AM. By the time the parade starts at 11:30, most spectators are more blasted than an alien in Space Invaders.
Our local news-station, WNEP-16, has a unique little feature on their website (wnep.com) called "Talkback Online," in which people can post threads about a variety of topics covered on the news. I expected discussion about the parade and its unpleasantries, but I didn't expect a certain specific to be hung out like dirty laundry, no pun intended. The following are excerpts of posts, verbatim.
"Does any one know what the smell at the parade was? It was all over town! It smelled like urine or strong smelling flowers." Wow. time to get your sniffer checked!
I was at work on Saturday and when we would go outside I kept on saying, what is that smell. It was very odd. I really thought that I was the only one that was smelling it. Maybe it was all of the Beer mixed in with that downtown Scranton smell. ...And how does downtown smell compared to, say, West side?
We smelled that funky smell, too. After walking for a while and smelling it often, we wondered if it was the sewers. Wait. We've gone from strong-smelling flowers to sewage?
I left work early because I could not stand to smell it and watch the behavior!
How can something smell like urine or strong flowers? I find this description confusing. Couldn't agree with you more!
I do not go to the parade, I watch it on tv, I smell nothing bad. ...Except yourself?
...and the smell, some people has cans of spray that smelled like skunk... Urine, skunk, flowers, what's the difference? Apparently, none!
Aaaaaall-righty, then. We have firmly established that Scranton reeks on Parade Day. But what a potpourri of descriptions about the odor!

My favorite post had nothing to do with the reported odiferousness, however...
I think the bars should not be allowed to open so early and sell the drinks as fast as possible and for people to become drunk and stupid.

Excuse me-- BECOME stupid? No, I'm sure they were stupid way before they arrived for the festivities. The alcohol definitely augments the lack of intelligence, however. So, more accurately, "...people to become drunk and stupider."

Nullum Ignoramus

I was in the midst of delivering product to a hole-in-the-wall convenient store in a tiny, rural town today. They have virtually no parking lot, so I had to place my truck in front of the diesel pump while I filled the cooler inside. Lo and behold, Redneck Rudy waltzes in the store and bellows, "Hey, is Canada Dry Dude almost done?"
Normally, I'd offer to move my truck, but not when faced with an intellectual vacuum accompanied with an attitude. (Also, where would I move it to?) Instead, I set down my product, and said to him, "I'll be done soon."
Foxworthy-wanna-be arrogantly quipped, "When?"
Irritated, I shot an apathetic "I don't know."
Not missing a beat, the cranial enigma spat, "How long is 'I don't know'?"

Don't have a strong grasp on the English language, do you, fella?

Wow! Double whammy!

Legal obviously needed to print the following info for a reason. Whoever fell victim to this stuff-- man, it sucks to be you!
Warning placed on Scotch brand Maximum Strength Adhesive:
DANGER: EXTREMELY FLAMMABLE EYE IRRITANT. Read carefully other precautions (in teeny, tiny type, I might add) on back panel.

AAAAGHHH! I can't read the back. My eye's on fire!!!

How may I endanger you today?

Today I drove my beverage truck to an area grocery store (privately-owned) to make a delivery. I have one of those trucks that has bay doors on the side, as opposed to a big truck with a single door on the back. I had quite a lot of product, which my loaders had set in my truck on pallets. I entered the store, and asked the receiver if I could use their forklift to pull off the pallets and bring them inside the dock. Like a complete doofus, the receiver said, "Sure."
I say he's a doofus because he left out one VERY important piece of information. Read on.
I started the forklift, and proceeded off the dock toward my truck, which sat on a slight downward slope. As I attempted to position the lift accordingly, I suddenly found out what the missing piece of info was.
No brakes.
(A forklift typically weighs over a ton. The split-second prospect of hurtling toward a 10-ton truck on a 1-plus-ton lift was most unsettling, especially when it came to my physical well-being.)
So here I am, about to crash into my truck. All I had time to do was hold on and cut the wheel hard, so that I struck my truck with the side of the lift without doing any damage.
*KA-BOOM!!!*
I was unhurt, but quite agitated, as doofus came running out, hollering, "Hey! What are you doing???"
"What am I doing??" I raged. "Why didn't you tell me this piece of crap had no brakes?!?"
After a long, vacant pause, he muttered, "Oh, yeah, I should've told you..."

With help like this, I think I can safely assume this store is never going to be competing with the Kroger's of the world.

Determined to destuction

Today's post comes from News Quirks, a compilation of news clippings by Roland Sweet. Where do they find these people???
Police who pulled over Patrick Allain, 35, for drunk driving in Manchester, NH, said the man continued drinking a 40-ounce bottle of beer while he was being arrested. "You can charge me with whatever you want," officers said he told them. "It's not going to stop me from drinking and driving."
TRIPLE WHAMMY!!!
1) "It's not going to stop me"??? The charges might, but incarceration will.
2) Yo, doughnut aficionados! Take the stinking bottle away from the dude!!!
3) Obviously, this guy has such an acute case of cranial rectosis that he doesn't care who he hurts/ maims/ endangers/ kills. I'm definitely not taking my family on a trip to Manchester!

As my grandfather once said, "Some people just need a good swift punch in the head..."

Body language spoken LOUDLY

Today, after completing a delivery at a convenient store, I grabbed my hand-cart and prepared to leave. However, as I approached the door, a trio of friends were having a detailed conversation. I patiently waited a moment or two, but after failing to see them acknowledge me (or anyone else) wishing to access the door, I firmly but politely chirped, "Excuse me, please."
The cluster of companions still were too engrossed in their conversation, so I called out a little louder. This time, they looked at me, and moved themselves-- RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE DOORS in a straight line, so nobody could exit, or enter from the outside. Smooth move, Ex-lax.

I'm guessing they never learned what peripheral vision meant...

Dick Cheney, I presume?

Our local arts and entertainment weekly, "The Weekender," has published yet another odd Q & A feature... This week's poll question: "What are you superstitious about?"
Henry Rembish, 32, answered: " The shirt I accidentally shot my friend in. It hangs in the back of my closet but I won't wear it."
Adding much more clarity to this blurred picture is Chris Varzaly, 32, showing off a nasty scar right below his collarbone: "...Getting shot by guys in funny shirts."

With friends like this, who needs gun control?

Brain freeze

Due to a major snowstorm that hit Northeastern PA (17" on average) on Wednesday, my company needed to revamp our delivery schedule for the rest of the week.
Yesterday, (Sat.) I was preparing to deliver to a small store that has a history of money problems. Rather than have the order refused because they weren't able to pay, I took the invoice in first to see if they could foot the bill. The store owner met me with angry disbelief. "Why are you guys here today, instead of last Wednesday?" he demanded.
I stared at him, stunned at the obvious lack of intelligence in his question. I couldn't think of anything outside of the realm of sarcasm to say, so, with a deliberate tone, I dripped, "...Because the roads were covered with 17" of snow and the governor declared a state of emergency!"
I don't know if he was surprised by what I said, or if he thought I would sheepishly shrink back. After a brief pause, all he could do was meekly chirp, "...Oh..."

12:00! Time for your lobotomy!

Naive is your middle name

How I love getting comments from anonymous folks. Especially when they fit right into the format of this blog...
A mystery commentator left a response to my posting from 1/31 entitled "Reality Check." It was a story of a young mother who left her young children in a car on the side of a busy highway in order to go dancing inside a club, and was consequently arrested. The boys were scantily clad in shorts and T-shirts on a night where temps dropped below 50. A sad story indeed. However, what's even more alarming is what Mr. (or Ms.) Ambiguous had to say about it. Anonymous said: While I am sure that most of this story is true. I am sure that the reporter left out the fact that the boys had blankets or jackets. No one could sleep in shorts and t-shirts in those tempatures...the media really pisses me off!!!!!This woman should definately be punished, however, I'm sick of the media blowing everything out of proportion!!!!
You're joking, right? You actually believe this woman, who had her head so far up her butt that she could see her liver was thoughtful enough to provide the boys with blankets? Here's a chick so self-centered that she put a night out ahead of the welfare of her kids, and you think the news exaggerated? Come on now, get real. ...Come to think of it, perhaps were you there with her?
(BTW, "tempatures"??? Hukt on fonix may werk fer ewe two!)

If you believe that the media lied, then I'd like to tell you more about "Bat-boy" and the alien who has befriended Hillary Clinton.

Snow, sleet and freezing panic

Living in Northeastern PA means that from time to time we get snow. Not a new concept! However, it never ceases to amaze me how a little white stuff creates absolute mayhem, frenzy and general unpreparedness.
Our local news stations started predicting a major snow storm to hit us today three days ago, yet the streets were relatively calm and quiet, until today...
Snow flurries began around 2:15. Immediately-- but not prior to this point-- the entire region mobilized!
The lines for bread, milk and eggs at area grocery stores clogged every aisle. Traffic increased 5 times as everyone, motivated by incomparable fear, rushed out to secure their goods. ...And then had the audacity to be surprised when supermarket shelves grew bare!
As I delivered product to an area convenient store, a man DASHED (literally) into the store and exclaimed with a huge, loud sigh of relief, "Oh, thank GOD you have hamburger buns! All the other stores are completely out. Can you believe it???"
(You know, bud, the stores had plenty of buns Sunday. And Monday. Why didn't you go out and get them then?)

Hey, man, you're so on top of things. Have you considered a career as an emergency response operator?

The sweet that broke the camel's tooth

Something in this story from the AP just doesn't add up... Woman breaks tooth, wants town to pay (AP) ABINGTON, Mass. - Trying to get something done at town hall can be a pain, one local woman says for her it was literally. Joanne Harding broke a tooth on a Tootsie Roll-- Hold the phone! Broke her tooth on a TOOTSIE ROLL???
--broke a tooth on a Tootsie Roll she took from a candy jar in the town clerk's office in Abington Town Hall last month during a visit to get a license for her dog.
Now, Harding wants the town to help pay her $4,000-$5,000 dental bill.
"I took the candy, so it's partially my fault," the 40-year-old Harding told the Patriot Ledger of Quincy. "I wouldn't have taken it if it wasn't there."
Town Manager Phillip Warren Jr. forwarded Harding's request for financial assistance to the town's insurance carrier.
"We'll wait to see what the insurance company says," he said.
Meanwhile, the candy jars are still there at the clerk's office.
Lots wrong with this little epic! First, $5000 for one tooth? What were they made out of, platinum??? Granted, I don't know much about the state of economics and medicine in New England, but...
Second, "It's partially my fault. I wouldn't have taken it if it wasn't there"? What, did someone at the clerk's office MAKE you take a candy? I can see it now-- "Sorry, you can't be attended to until you have taken a candy from the jar!" Incredible. You have the audacity to admit fault, yet you want to hold the town a monetary hostage for YOUR mistake?
Third, broke a tooth on a Tootsie Roll? Just how long was that little treat sitting in that jar? Was it from 1997??
Lastly, and most incredulously-- if that's a proper phrase-- The jars are still at the office? That's smart. Now that everybody knows about this queer happenstance, open yourself up to more financial attacks by would-be gainers! No wonder taxes across the New England region are so high!

Another group of people helplessly sucked into the inescapable vortex of stupidity...

Since stupidity apparently knows no bounds, "PSST" will be renamed and retooled after the fifth presentation of the STUPIES! We'll be covering more things like this chickie-boo in MA and other asinine things people do that set them apart as... er, extremely stupid. Stay tuned!

Time for another "Just Shut Up"

This most recent awarding-- yes, this is not just a nomination, but an actual presentation-- of a supplemental "Just Shut Up" STUPIE goes to every single newspaper, radio station, TV station and tabloid in America for continually bombarding the public with the droning noise of Anna Nicole Smith's death. Everywhere you turn, there's her face, her bio, her career, her twisted paternal issues... I don't mean to sound cold or uncaring, but is anyone really surprised? Nothing in this gal's life made sense. Her existence lacked any semblance of rhyme or reason. (Now, I grant you that some things were out of her control, but most of it she brought upon herself.)
For those of us who are "normal" and striving to make our lives better on a daily basis, we find this constant blather just plain irritating. Anna lived a tragic life and died a tragic death. End of story.
Please, members of the media world, do us a favor and...

JUST SHUT UP!!!

Obviously wasn't a girl scout

The girl scout's motto is "Be Prepared," hence setting up today's sad and tragic tale.
ABC News obtained copies of some of the 911 calls that victims of the sudden tornado in Central Florida made, shortly after the vortex ripped apart their fair community. I couldn't believe what I heard, as ABC played the tape of a frantic, terrified (older) girl calling in to the emergency response center.
VICTIM: I... I think my mom is dead!!!
OPERATOR: Is anyone hurt?
V: My mom! My mom is gone and my mom's bed is gone! Oh, my God!
O: Is your mom there?

For Pete's sake, did you listen to a single word this poor gal just said? You want to help? Stop asking useless questions, admit to your superiors that you are NOT prepared to handle emergency situations and get more training! Isn't it enough that this gal just experienced the horror of her house being ripped to shreds by a tornado without you traumatizing her with stupid questions???

The dung stops here

The city of Scranton, PA has a law that pet owners must clean up all their pets' waste when taking the little beasties on a walk. However, this is seldom paid attention to, or enforced for that matter.
When the doody problem got a bit out-of-hand in a certain community, a couple of furious residents took matters into their own hands, posting home-made messages to would-be violators. The crude placards were captured on film and the picture posted in The Weekender, the area's local arts and entertainment weekly. Sign one read:
To the low-life scum who thinks it's OK to let their animals urinate and defecate on the lawn and sidewalk of an 80-year-old woman:
1) I have 2 adult German shepherds.
2) I will catch you.
3) You will reap what you have sown.
4) I live at ********, come and get it.
5) See the message your Penn St. neighbors left you."
The neighbors added:
To the inconsiderate nasty person who keeps allowing their DOG to trespass and CRAP on these lawns and does not CLEAN IT UP-- BE WARNED-- The police are being notified that you are BREAKING THE LAW! Let your dog stink up your own property, you lazy ignorant JERK.
Signed, the neighbors.
Yeah, it stinks (no pun intended) to continually clean up animal feces from your property, but "You will reap what you sow, come and get it"??? What, is Ethel going to defecate all over the violator's home? It also wasn't too bright of dear old granny to advertise her age, and then her address. I hope those to German shepherds are good watch dogs, ready to scare would-be burglars away.

I don't ever think I've seen waste divide a community as much as this one. ...Brings a whole new meaning to the term anal-retentive!

REALITY CHECK!!!

More stories of paernts who ought not be... This one comes courtesy the Asheville (NC) Citizens-Times. a
Mother leaves kids sleeping in car to dance at club
by The Associated Press
MORGANTON, N.C. – A Morganton woman faces child abuse charges for leaving her sleeping boys in the car while she went dancing at a club, authorities said. Georgina Marquez, 37, was charged with two counts of misdemeanor child abuse after Hickory police officers found her 10- and 12-year-old sons in a car parked outside Fantacia's dance club in Hickory about 1:30 a.m. Sunday.
Officers discovered the boys while issuing parking tickets to cars illegally parked along the highway, said Hickory police Sgt. Scott Hildebrand.
A police report says the boys told authorities their mother left them in the car about 10:40 p.m. Saturday.
The boys were dressed in shorts and T-shirts while temperatures were in the low 50s, police said, and the heat was not on in the car.
Marquez said she checked on the sleeping boys every 30 minutes. (Oh, that makes it all OK, then!!) Hildebrand said the Department of Social Services was called before the children were released to Marquez, who was released on $2,000 bond.

What a pathetic slap on the wrist. I have no witty tag for this-- all I can do is shake my head.

Maintenance in need of maintenance

Last Monday, our housing manager/landlord "Doris" came to inspect our premises, as per HUD guidelines. In the course of her look-see, she told Mrs. I to watch the kitchen sink very carefully, because "We've had problems with the pipes before." Nice of you to tell us now, as opposed to when we moved in!
The fateful words rang true when our pipes started leaking-- no, pouring-- water yesterday. Upon a quick glance, it was clear almost every single O-ring (the rings which hold the pipes together) were loose, and one was completely detatched. We called maintenance and filed an emergency report. Within an hour, someone came, and rectified the situation. When I asked why every ring was loose, he shrugged, "Dunno. Must've been an oversight."
The entire kitchen was redone before we moved in: new fridge, sink, countertops, cabinets, tiling... How could you overlook tightening up the sink pipes?
Stupidity flare-up #1.
Today, my wife heard a knock on the door. It was a different maintenance man. "You have a problem with the kitchen sink, ma'am?"
You mean you didn't check the log from yesterday?
Stupidity flare-up #2.
After my wife explained that the repairs had already been made, she pointed out what the problem was. "Every single O-ring was loose, and one was completely removed." Their response: "Not sure how that happened. Something must've loosened them."
All of them???
Oh, yeah, I forgot I decided to loosen all the O-rings right after moving in...
Stupidity flare-up #3.

And these are the folks in charge of making sure everything in these apartments is ship-shape. Brilliant!!!

Tracking in mud and stupidity

My family and I went to the library today. It was cold with scattered snow showers which wet the pavement and walkways. As we approached the front door, we noticed the sign the library personnel had posted: PLEASE WIPE FEET BEFORE ENTERING.

Um, on the sidewalk, since there's no mat out here? I'm sure that will help keep the library clean and pristine!!!

"HEADS UP!!!"

A small airplane flying overhead has just had a piece of its fuselage break loose. The fragmented mass comes hurtling down to earth, where you and a bunch of your friends are having a picnic. One person looks up, and inevitably yells those misguided words....
"HEADS UP!!!"
The natural inclination, when hearing that spoken, is to look up. However, rarely do you have the time. You're about to get bashed in the noggin, and you're expected to look up first, and then react? Shouldn't the appropriate warning be, "Take cover!" or "Duck!"

This is a question you can ask your neurosurgeon as you're recovering from severe head trauma in the ICU. ... If you can even remember what happened.

(Lacking) Attention to detail

Each Monday, I make a beverage delivery to a small mom & pop grocery store. Every week, upon receipt of the product, the owner, Bruce, writes me a check for payment. ..For the last 9 months... Each and every Monday...
This past week, I entered Bruce's domain, and gave him the bill so he could write the check. When he returned, he asked me, "So. Where's the other guy?"
"The... other guy?" I hesitated.
"Yeah, the other guy," he emphasized. "The guy who usually delivers here."

Now, I know I did change my shirt since last week, but... I wonder if he's this attentive to his customers.

2nd today: Thanks for contributing. ...To the problem!

Background for this post: The Diocese of Scranton (PA) recently announced a plan to close many elementary-level parochial schools, and to consolidate all high schools into 1 in 2 different counties, accurately citing dwindling enrollment as well as a severe lack of funds coming into the Diocese through parishioners. This part of the country is heavily Catholic, and the outrage created by this difficult decision has been no small thing. But what to do now? Let's check in on Luzerne County to see how folks are handling the news, courtesy citizensvoice.com, the online paper from Wilkes-Barre, PA! (Bold type added for emphasis.)
Frustrated Parents Want Answers
BY ELIZABETH SKRAPITS, STAFF WRITER
PITTSTON TWP. --Supporters of Luzerne County's four Catholic high schools want specifics from the Diocese of Scranton about the consolidation, and they won't be quiet until they get them.
Frustration and anger permeated the Pittston Convention Center Sunday when approximately 300 people from Bishop Hafey, Seton Catholic, Bishop O'Reilly and Bishop Hoban high schools held their first joint meeting to work on strategies. These included withholding money from parish collection baskets, hosting an advertising campaign and protesting peacefully.
Parents are considering starting a private Catholic high school not affiliated with the diocese, similar to St. Rose Academy in Carbondale. Parishioners should also forego the bishop's annual appeal, said Bishop O'Reilly parents' spokesman Tom O'Connor, who chaired the meeting.
Seton parent Ron D'Eliseo distributed copies of a $1 million bill with Bishop Joseph Martino's face on it, to send to the diocese in lieu of cash.
"As far as I'm concerned, this is the only money he's (Martino) getting from me anymore," D'Eliseo said.
Great ideas all, morons with money! The diocese needs cash to fund parochial education, so let's withhold it, hurting the diocese even more for those wanting to send their kids to private Catholic schools.
Though I myself am not Catholic, my understanding is that it is NOT acceptable to question or belittle priests, bishops, and the like. Also, didn't Jesus Himself once say,"Rend to Caeser what is Caeser's, but rend to God that which is God's"? So I guess it's OK to prioritize my child's existence in his/her current, under-used school over the words of the One I claim to be a follower of?

You can keep your precious common cents, Mr. O'Connor and D'Eliseo. I'd rather you have common sense.

Introducing "Magi-carpet!"

As I had previously disclosed, my family and I recently had to move due to the fact our back wall was bursting with toxic mold. Our new place is considerably smaller, and the living room in particular is a loss of 12 square feet from that of our old residence. Our landlord, "Doris"-- most unfortunately-- has remained unchanged.
Today, Doris came in for an inspection. She entered the living room, stared at the carpet and asked, "Is this the carpet you had in the old place?"
MRS. I: "Yes..."
D, puzzled: "How did you make it bigger?"
MRS. I, baffled: "What?"
D, reiterating: "How did you make the carpet bigger?"
MRS. I: "We didn't. Mr. I had to cut it down to make it fit in here."
D, confused: "Wait a minute. Isn't this place bigger than your last place?"
MRS. I, losing patience: "No, the other place was quite a bit larger. Mr. I cut the carpet so it would fit in this room."
D, clueless, and obviously featuring an enormously short attention span: "Right. So how'd you make the rug bigger?"

To quote a line from the hit TV show "Friends," "I need to buy a vowel, because O-MG!!!"

Critical mass

Another major television figure puts her mouth where it doesn't belong...
Rosie's Latest Target Is 'Intoxicated' Abdul
O'Donnell Leads Criticism Against 'Idol's Nasty Edge
By BUCK WOLF
ABCNews.com
Jan. 19 --Rosie O'Donnell is one of the 37 million TV viewers watching "American Idol," but don't count her among those who liked what they saw.
For the second day in a row, "The View" co-host suggested was drinking during the show and lashed out at the show for making fun of the people auditioning. O'Donnell and her co-hosts played a clip from Wednesday night's "Idol," in which a contestant, following an off-key audition, was roundly mocked and rejected by the judges.
"That's compassion for you," O'Donnell said. "Isn't that what America thinks is entertainment, to make fun of someone's physical appearance? And then, when they leave the room, laugh hysterically at them -- three millionaires, one probably intoxicated."
O'Donnell had joked about Abdul's demeanor a day earlier. "Paula was very thirsty last night," she said.
"That girl was sipping Coke every shot. And toward the end of the evening, one eye was wandering."
OK, O'D, who made you the moral compass of Hollywood? You, who has had a career full of relational gaffes and idiotic outbusts, dare to accuse Paula of being drunk, even though you have no proof?
You have no inkling as to what is and isn't musical excellence, but at least 2 of the 3 AI judges do. (Paula's questionable, but she's definitely more qualified than you are!) This is why you (currently) don't have your own TV show. You criticize how the show is handled, and judge TV viewers how intelligent they are? (Yeah, that'll win "the Phew" new fans!)
Yes, that IS what America thinks is entertainment, to the tune of a solid #1 in theNielsenn ratings. Also, "Odie" seems to forget that most people who audition know they aren't really Idol material, and are just looking for their 15 minutes of fame. Some use costumes and physical appearance as their gimmick or hook, and purposely subjugate themselves to ridicule.
Rosie was quite successful at 3 things: alienating the American public, making herself look like an egotist by tearing down another public figure, and proving that her failures at stand-up comedy and talk-show host were no flukes.

Additionally, O'D has earned herself a nomination for the "Just Shut Up" award at the STUPIES V awards presentations...

In the wrong place all the time

Along a straight 2-mile wooded stretch of US Route 11 in Northeastern PA, with a steep hill on one side and a river and guard rail on the other is the following sign:
WATCH FOR TURNS.

Ah, yes, my tax dollars used to place that sign were definitely worth it!

We regret to inform you your joke isn't funny

I entered a grocery store today and heard two employees conversing. One was telling the other a joke, which was worthy of being deemed a stupid thing said.
"A man walked into a fancy restaurant. The maitre'D asked, 'Good evening sir. Do you have a reservation?' The man retorted, 'Why? Do I look like a (bleeping American) Indian?'"
"HA! HA! HA!"

[Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-nnng!]

Welcome to Wal-mart. How may I freak you out?

I know some people may accuse me of making this stuff up, but... Weird happens! You can't create fiction like this!!!
My family and I entered Wally's World one day last week. We were in the midst of our harried, sudden move from our old apartment, so we were tired, stressed, and irritated. As we went through the door, we spotted the "greeter." He's an old guy who talks to himself a lot, misdirects people who ask, "Where can I find such-and-such?" and hovers over folks trying to grab a shopping cart like they were stealing it...
I was holding my children's hands; my daughter on one side, my son on the other, attempting to give the Geezer Greeter a wide berth. However, he came wobbling up to me and pointed at the kids. "Hey! Hey! Excuse me sir! Are those a return?"
I stopped dead in my tracks and blurted, "WHAT???"
He repeated his daft inquiry. I was stunned. Was this crotchety Joe making a joke, or was he serious?
Attempting to read his face, I got no clear indication. I had no idea what to say, other than, "No. She belongs to me, and so does he."
Equally puzzled, the man bumbled, "Oh. OK. I just wanted to be sure."

Maybe what I should have said was, "Why, yes they are. I'm tired of them and want to trade them in for another pair. You got any kids left in the CHILDREN'S department???"

Beyond bizarre...

Brittney SpeaKs. Run for cover!

Favorite PSST target Brittney Spears has once again made herself available to public ridicule and scorn by opening her mouth. I guess some people just don't learn!
“I noticed today that one of my biggest fansites is shutting down soon and I want you all to know that I do understand all the reasons that went behind making that decision, and I am sad to see it closing,’’ [Brittney] writes. “If I were you I’d be unhappy too if I had to read what I’ve been reading every day.’’ *Sources: AP and Pantagraph.com.
...If I HAD to read what I'VE BEEN reading?!? Isn't that sort of redundant? Isn't that sort of redundant?

...Wait a minute. You mean she can read???

Lucky? Maybe. Intelligent? NOT!

Upon returning to work today from an unplanned "vacation," I was assured stupidity had not taken a hiatus.
I was making a delivery to a small store, and overheard this dialogue between a customer and the clerk...
CUST: Yes, I'd like a $5 (Instant lottery) scratch-off.
CLERK: OK. Anything else today?
CUST: (long, pregnant pause) Umm... Yeah, let me also have a $1 scratch-off.
(CLERK gives tickets to CUST, and silently waits for payment)
CUST: Now, how much is that going to come to?
(CLERK, baffled, doesn't say anything, assuming CUST would figure out such simple math.)
CUST: (firmly reiterating) How much does that come to???

5 + 1??? Wow. I'm hoping this lady doesn't win any substantial amount of money. She wouldn't be able to properly account for it!

2nd today: WANTED: brain

Due to a massive invasion of toxic mold, my family and I are being forcefully removed from our apartment this weekend; to wit, this will be the last posting on PSST for a week or so, until we are re-established in a new dwelling.
Upon discovering that our entire upstairs back wall (including the master bedroom and bathroom) has rapidly been converted into a Petri dish in the matter of a few short days, my wife called the housing manager to explain our situation. "Doris" hypothesized that we'd be forced to relocate and our home would be declared uninhabitable, pending an examination by HUD. An hour later, Doris's theory was confirmed. The inspector deduced (based upon the amount of moisture and the lightning-quick advance of the mold) that a major structural issue existed, just as my wife and I believed. However, Doris was skeptical.
"All that mold is because of your dryer vent. You need to clean out the vent hose."
SAY WHAT???
"Yeah, that's right. When these apartments were built, they didn't have dryer vents. So that's where all the moisture is coming from."
OK, then, Ms. Maytag Retard Woman, you want to explain to me why the vent is downstairs, and all the mold and condensation is originating at the ceiling of the second floor???

Do us a favor. Why don't you go see the Wizard of Oz to see if he has any diplomas left over?

Do I LOOK omnipresent?

Last week, my family headed out to the grocery store. Near the end of our jaunt around the store, my wife needed to go to the little girl's room. The bathrooms are right at the front of the store, so I waited outside with the kids while "Mrs. I" answered nature's call.
As we loitered, a teenage girl came up to us (the kids and I), pointed at the bathroom door, and asked, "Excuse me. Are you guys in there?"

Ummmm... I'm not sure. Let me go check!

More parents who shouldn't be

Our local area's TV stations always report on the first baby born in Northeastern PA each new year. This year, the "honor" belongs to a tiny little girl born to a 14-year-old mother. The news crew went to the maternity ward of the hospital to get a reaction from the new mom. Holding the precious addition to the world, she informed the reporter she had been due 12/30, but the blessed event occurred on New Year's day at 3:00 in the morning. What was her reaction to how things had turned out?
"Well, I wanted to be on TV, and here I am! [Giggle, giggle!]"
Great. That's what you think about your responsibility?

If only teen girls would get the idea out of their head: BABIES ARE NOT TOYS!!!

Autism awareness

Note: Today's post is not in the least bit funny or peculiar. It's placed on the pages of blogdom to raise further awareness for the need of more education and action when it comes to raising autistic children.
As a person who has Asperger's Syndrome, a variation of high-functioning autism, I was shaken to the core of my being when I read the following story on AOL News, courtesy of the AP.
Toddler Found Playing Along Interstate (AP)
INDIANAPOLIS (Dec. 31) - Drivers swerved cars and trucks into other lanes to avoid a 3-year-old boy, wearing only a diaper and T-shirt, who was playing along a busy highway after wandering away from home while his mother slept, police said.
Some motorists stopped along Interstate 465 on the city's west side Saturday to take care of the boy until officers arrived, the Indiana State Police said. Damon Dyer, a 3-year-old autistic boy, was found playing on [the]Interstate...
"I looked up and I seen this little ... boy running down the middle of the slow lane in the interstate. I just could not believe what I was seeing," said Troy Crady, one of those who stopped to help. The boy... was unscathed as at least a half-dozen cars and a tractor-trailer rig swerved into other lanes to avoid him. Temperatures were in the mid 50s as the boy ran around barefooted.
Police said they traced the toddler to an apartment at a nearby complex, where they found his mother, Nancy Dyer asleep in a filthy apartment and his 2-year-old sister eating spaghetti off the floor. Dyer, 33, was arrested on two counts of child neglect and remained in custody Sunday, officials said.
Senior State Trooper Cedric Merritt said that when Dyer was told of her son's activities, she responded: "Oh, he got out again." (Really??? You noticed? NO KIDDING!)
Investigators said the boy got out his second-story apartment, went down stairs and got around a fence to reach the highway about 200 yards away. Child Protective Services took the boy and his sister into custody, and investigators said the agency also had been called to the apartment Thursday because the boy was outside unsupervised.

Clearly, some people just aren't fit to be parents in the first place, regardless of the child's condition. But obviously, little Damon's condition was previously diagnosed, and as such, Nancy should have taken additional steps to ensure the safety and well-being of her child. You can't NOT child-proof your home or fall asleep when you have an autistic individual in your care!
Autism is a condition which affects thousands, perhaps even millions, of people in the US. While some cases are more severe than others, autistic folks cannot operate on the same level as those who are not. Being autistic is like being enclosed in a dark closet, knowing there is a world outside, but not knowing how to open the door. As such, even when moving about in the wide-open world, autistics are not able to discern those surroundings properly. They require extra care and attention, something Ms. Dyer was evidently unwilling to give.

For more on finding out about autism, what's being done to combat it and what you can do, please go to www.cureautismnow.org.

Instructions for the intelligence impaired

I had given a decorative covered candle to my wife for Christmas. (It was a small, old-fashioned church with a removable roof, revealing the candle inside.) It turned out to be a sort-of gift to myself, however, as I received a series of laughs upon reading the instructions on the box. I know companies have to cover themselves legally, but do they truly believe all consumers are idiots?

Candle will become hot during use.
Are you SURE about that?

Never extinguish flame with water.
Oh. Well, can I use my fire extinguisher instead?

Never drop burned matches or other objects into candle.
Hey honey, have you seen the nail clippers? Oh, never mind, here they are in the candle.

Never burn candle with lid on.
After all, the flame doesn't require oxygen to burn, right?

Never burn candle near combustible materials or in an enclosed area.
You mean, like in my HOUSE?

I tell you, if people have attempted any of these things, or doesn't understand the concepts before lighting up the candle, perhaps the wick doesn't burn at both ends, if you know what I mean.

An extremely odd way to grieve

Originally, I wasn't going to post anything today, but this article I found on AOL News is just too strange.
Utah Woman Dies Hours After Her Wedding
SALT LAKE CITY (Dec. 27) -- A 25-year-old woman who occasionally visited Utah schools to discourage children from using drugs died hours after her wedding, her husband said. Jennifer Ann Bennett Goodall and Doug Goodall were married Saturday.
The next day, Christmas eve, "she didn't wake up," Goodall told KSL-TV. "I'm so grateful that she left on the happiest day of her life."
An autopsy was performed, but the cause of death was not immediately determined, Goodall said.

Perhaps it's because of the days in which we live in, but I'm awfully suspicious of Mr. Goodall here. Something doesn't add up. I mean, your WIFE just died, and you conjure up a statement like that?! Also, what's with him attempting to release information about the autopsy? Isn't that the coroner's job?

I seriously hope and pray this is nothing more than my paranoia, and that there's no foul play involved here. ...But my nagging instinct says otherwise.

Dial "O" for "oops"

For quite some time, someone has been using our phone number in order to conduct fraudulent activity. It cost money and is a bit of a hassle to change our number, so we just inform anyone looking for "Joe and Carla" that they were given our number in error.
The other day, the phone rang. As always, my wife checked the caller ID to see who was calling. It was someone from out-of-state who had dialed us a number of times. My wife, wanting to tell these people to take our number off their list, picked up the phone and clearly said, "[Incredulous] residence. May I help you?"
The party on the other end hesitated, then offered, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize this was a business."

She did say "residence!" Maybe the caller thought we were a residence who would accommodate the woman from yesterday's post.

Drive-thru service???

The following story is either incredibly hilarious, or incredibly sad. It depends on your point of view.
As I sojourned along my work route today, I was approached in the parking lot of an area gas station as I unloaded product off my truck. A seventy-something man approached me and asked, "Excuse me, young man. Is there a nursing home up that way?" pointing to his right.
Rather stunned by this unusual inquiry, I stuttered, "Um, ah, sorry, no, I don't think so..." Then recovering a bit, I prodded, "Do you know the name of the place?"
"Oh, no," the man shrugged. "No name. Just any nursing home."
Taken farther aback by this even more unusual statement, I dismissed him with, "I'm sorry sir, I'm afraid I can't help you out."
The man waddled away.
Completely dumbfounded, and my curiosity now aroused, I skulked around the side of my truck to see where he had gone. I thought maybe he was heading into the station to ask the odd question inside. Instead, I saw him walk to his car, but to the passenger side. He opened the door, and I noticed an elderly, hunched over woman in the seat. The man sang in a condescending tone, "Sorry, honey! There's no nursing home down here! We'll have to go somewhere else!"

SAY WHAT??? What in the name of Dr. Kevorkian are you looking for, a golden palace with a sign out front reading, "Walk-ins welcome"???

And all this on the day after Christmas...

Politically incorrect holiday greetings

This past week, my buddy Pat was completing a delivery to an area business. In closing, the store proprietor offered, "Have a happy holiday!" ...A reflective pause... "...Unless you're Jewish!"

I'd like to wish all my readers, new and old, a Happy Kwanukas! Happy New Year, too-- unless you're Chinese! ...Or Jewish! ...Or Russian!

Aw, heck with it...

Lap song and dance

My family and I have the opportunity to go to a neighborhood city park and see a wonderful light display. The way the city Parks and Recreation department have it set up is that you can view the whole thing from the comfort of your car as you travel along a path circling around the grounds.
At the end of the trail, there's a refreshment stand, and a small trailer with Santa inside. Hoping to raise a little bit of extra cash, the Parks folks decided to sell photo ops with Santa. A small sign was posted on the side of the trailer: "Pictures with Santa-- $8.00 per framed portrait. You take photo: $3.00."

Now, just hold your red-nosed reindeer a second, Nick. You're going to charge me for taking my own photo, with my own camera, of my child on your knee? I guess the whole concept is that if professional sports figures can charge for an autograph, Kris Kringle can get some bling bling, too. It's just the whole idea of a benevolent, giving figurehead becoming a cash cow is a little too much to swallow.

Ending pre-Christmas postings with a lighter note next!

Ignorance: the gift that keeps on giving

I arrived at a local pharmacy today to make a delivery. After stacking up my hand-truck with a heavy amount of product, I headed across the parking lot to the front door. I noticed a hunched-over, elderly lady struggling along her way to the same door with a walker, maneuvering herself along with great difficulty. Though my cart weighed a ton, I decided it was more important to get to the entrance, set down my stuff and hold the door open for her.
...Which I did, grabbing the outside door. A woman exiting the store also saw the woman coming, and held the inside door ajar. As the aged lady slowly lurched past me, she offered me a shy but kind smile. I, in return, wished her "Happy holidays." She stiffly ventured into the vestibule to the inner door. As she did so, the woman holding the door gawked, and then loudly blurted out, "OHH! I PRAY TO GOD I DON'T GET LIKE HER WHEN I'M THAT AGE!"

Yo, girl! She ain't deaf, too!

Have yourself an ignorant holiday, ma'am, and I hope Santa brings you another foot, because yours is permanently lodged in that gaping hole in your face!

PSST is making another appearance on Useless Advice From Useless Men! Look for question #440 in the next couple of days, signed by me using the moniker "X/Y Chromosome."

Have yourself a dysfunctional Christmas

Another edition of "We Asked, You Answered" from the Weekender, Northeast PA's arts and entertainment weekly, is sure to set us all in the holiday mood.
This week's question: "What Christmas character would you like to be?" Some answers were Snow Miser, Mrs. Claus and Buddy the Elf. Along comes Ryan Farrel to paint a much-too-graphic picture of his own twisted life!
"Hermie (from Rudolph) because he wanted to be a dentist and my mom's a dentist."

Um, so you're saying you want to be your mom??? (Pat, stop laughing!)

"Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is an Oedipus complex!"

Mostly coudy with a chance of stupidity

After a long hiatus, WNEP-16's chief meteorologist Tom Clark makes a grand re-entry on the pages on PSST.
This evening, Tommy began his segment talking about a most unusual occurrence. "The space shuttle will be visible very low in the Northwestern sky tonight. As the shuttle re-enters the atmosphere, a long streak-- kind of like a slow-moving shooting star-- will be able to be seen, just about 25 degrees above the horizon. It'll only appear for about 25 or 30 seconds, and this will take place about 3 minutes from now. ...Now, don't go outside! I want you to see the weather..."
WHAT???
Then why'd you even bring it up in the first place? Are you truly that egotistical, Clarkie, to think that your viewers would turn up their noses at the opportunity to see something they may never see again, just so we can veg on our couches listening to you say it'll be partly cloudy and 40 tomorrow? (I knew that yesterday!!) And why in the name of Buzz Aldron do you need to take up 3 + minutes of air-time to cover the weather???

Looks like somebody has moon rocks in their head...

Your neighborhood inconvenience store

...More two-parters!
I visited 2 different convenient stores today, both owned by the same corporation, and experienced an oddity in both. At the first location, I got my order verified by the same manager who had checked me in every week for the last 7 months. After that, it's the responsibility of the vendor (aka me) to price the products. The check-in completed, the manager stared at me blankly, and asked, "Do you know how to use a price gun?"

Who the stink do you think has been pricing this stuff the last 1/2 year?

At stop #2, they had holiday hours posted on the front door. The sign read, "Christmas day: Open: 8:00 AM; Closed: Open 24 hours."

Well, not if you're not opening until 8:00! ...Oh... You meant 24 hours, but just not consecutively?

A dumb vignette in 2 short acts

The scene: a local convenience store.
Cast of characters: Me, making a delivery covering for another driver, Kevin, who was on vacation. Mini-mart Nazi, manager of said convenience store. Short-tempered, impatient, and belittling, not thinking anyone is capable of doing anything right.

ACT I

Delivery driver enters the scene, with about 1/2 of the delivery total. Hi, how are you doing? ...This is just the first load. I have about 10 more cases to bring in. Do you want me to leave these here while I get the rest?
Nazi gets indignant. Oh, NO!!! You can't leave those there! We're extremely busy right now!
Driver, having put up with nonsense from Nazi before, takes an exaggerated, animated glance around the store to surmise how busy they are by counting customers.
...ONE...

ACT II

After shaking off the first wave of stupidity, driver gets ready to take the cases into the cooler. The long-anticipated question is finally voiced by Nazi.
Where's Kevin? Did he take the day off?
...Actually, he took the whole week off for vacation.
In an incredulous, stunned shriek loud enough to scare away her one customer: A We-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ek?!?

It appears our store manager is A) easily overwhelmed, and B) unable to grasp the concept of vacation time.

More nonsense from the Shawna Files

Here's another wonderful offering from our village idiot, Shawna. You've seen her before on this blog in August of 2005 ("NJ is a lot closer to Philadelphia than PA is") and 8/22 of this year. ("Major in computers. Mathematics will be obsolete in 10 years anyway.")
Once, my buddy Pat and some others were talking about time in the break room of our telecommunications office. The question was brought up, "What kind of system did people use to mark years before 'AD'?" Shawna had walked into the room, and, as always, she had an (incorrect) insight into anything and everything.
"Same as now," she quipped. "They just counted backwards."

From what? Tell me, Shawna. How on earth did Hammurabi (king of ancient Babylon) know that Jesus was going to be born in another 1800 years? Hmm...

Going nowhere fast

My wife just got a note from a member of her high school class. Seems the class of 1987 (Oops! Carbon-dating in progress...) wants to do something completely and utterly unique for a 20-year reunion in 2007. Now, you must understand that this was a rural high school and many members of this school are quite... backwards, shall we say, in their thinking. I can't imagine somebody actually thinks this is a good idea, and that 75 people-- the size of that year's class-- are able to do this time-wise and/or financially.
Here's excerpts of the letter: (bold letters added for blogging emphasis.)
As you all know planning any kind of event for a group of people is a lot of work. With only 9 months to go its time to start the planning process...
20 YEARS LATER... (Our school's) class of '87 aboard NCL's Norwegian Spirit October 6-7, 2007. Cruise with your classmates for an unforgettable 1-night voyage to nowhere from NYC!!!
...Inside cabin: $159, Oceanview cabin: $179, Balcony cabin: $229.
...Rates do not include taxes and... fees of $59.04 per person...
Final payment is due on 7/23/07. We only have a limited number of cabins on hold. Visit www.ncl.com to check out the ship and it's many amenities.

OK, hold on just a momentary moment.
First, a voyage to nowhere?? Well, if you're not going anywhere, why should you pay an extra $20 for an ocean-view cabin, especially when you'll never see the ocean? Why on earth would I just want to float around in the harbor?
Second, the costs listed above include room cost ONLY. You are responsible for paying for your transportation to NY, food and drinks. Who has the money to do this in today's economy? And even if you are financially blessed, do you really want to spend that money on a "voyage" to nowhere with a bunch of people you haven't seen in years?
Lastly, let's just say for the sake of argument that everybody in the class wants to go and commits. That requires 75 cabins. Last time I checked, cruise ships have a LOT more than 75 rooms. What kind of freaky groups are you sharing this boat with? Could you imagine walking into a ballroom, thinking it's your old chums, and you walk into an Amway convention? Or a seance? Or the class of '67 from Podunk High School in Backwoods, NV?

To the class member who sent this: you may be cruising to nowhere, but this letter/flier DOES have a destination-- my circular file.

The "X-pirt" ways in

Today's ex-TREMELY tragic tale comes from where else? Hollywood!
New best gal pals Paris "Still a tramp after all these years" Hilton and Britney "If I only had a brain" Spears are clubbin'! Ain't that just ducky!? What just blows my (by contrast) functional mind is the comments emanating from the mouth of Little Miss Simple Life. Thanks to TMZ.com for poisoning our intellect with these audible clouds of purple haze.
Paris Hilton has taken to MySpace to come out in support of what she calls Brit's "partying ethics." "For people to call out her parenting skills on behalf of her partying ethics is appalling," says Paris (according to MSNBC). "She goes home every night to her babies and partying has not come in the way of her parenting."
No, not in the least! I mean, there's no way all that boozing could have stood in the way of her judgment. After all, most wonderful mothers drive a car with their child in their lap, right? And anybody could have dropped her infant son on his head in the kitchen, I suppose!
I'm relieved to know Paris is such a great mom. All her expertise will go a long way helping out Brit!
...Wait a sec. What in the name of Roger Clinton is "partying ethics?" You mean there's unethical partying???

This whole thing reeks of a lack of common sense and a long-overdue trip to the Betty Ford clinic.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!

My apologies to you, faithful readers, for my less-frequent postings as of late. The stupidity well was starting to run dry, and then, for some odd twist of cosmic fate, the past 2 days have seen torrents proportionate to Noah's flood streaming down! The well is overflowing now... We begin with a great E-mail sent to me by localmusician which addresses a lot of oddities I've noticed in the past, with many irregularities I wish I never knew about. Well, you'll see what I mean at the end of the letter...

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts" (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts--"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: say what?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish Chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Well, at least we didn't segue from the Chainsaw to the Sainsbury's peanuts! For the first time in my life, I'm ashamed to admit I'm of Swedish descent. Thanks again to localmusician for this.

Closed captioning for the living impaired

Last Friday I went into a local bank to make a withdraw. For some strange reason, the institution has a large plasma TV mounted on the wall above the tellers-- apparently to give you something to do while you wait in line. However, there is no sound, so the Closed Captioning is flashed across the screen. As you may know, the CC rarely matches the actual speech used. It also is often grammatically incorrect.
As I watched, an advert for Aleve pain relief came on. A gal from Jamaica, NY was talking about how difficult arthritis can make her work of volunteering to take meals to the less-fortunate.
"I love taking food to the shut-ins, but I had arthritis in my fingers, in my elbows, in my ees... (I guess that's supposed to be "knees.") I took away my life. Then my friend told me about Aleve..."

Wow. Talk about a miracle recovery from suicide! You take your life away, but you CAN be revived with Aleve!

Marion County School Borg

Today's post comes courtesy of the Home School Legal Defense Association's website.

‘Your Home Education Program is Terminated’

How would you feel if you received an official letter from public school authorities declaring your homeschool “terminated?”
Well recently, about 400 homeschoolers in the Marion County (FL) Public Schools district received a letter that said just that!
Each of these homeschoolers were told that their “Home Education Program is terminated due to your failure to comply with Florida statute 1002.41. You must enroll your child in a public, private, or parochial school within 10 days upon receipt of this letter.”
The statute that Marion County referred to requires that an annual evaluation be filed with the local school district. Many people who had received this letter terminating their home education program had actually already sent their evaluation in! These homeschoolers had done nothing wrong, but they were told that their home education program was terminated-with no warning. They did not receive notice that their evaluation was missing or any hint that there was a problem.
What is even more absurd about the school district officials’ actions is that the law gives them no authority to simply “terminate” a homeschool! Under Florida statutes section 1002.41(2), the superintendent, at the most, can give a family a “one year probationary period.”
Many Home School Legal Defense Association members from Marion County called in after receiving this frightening letter. HSLDA staff worked with each member, and contacted the school district on their behalf. By writing letters and sending in the mail receipts from the previously certified evaluation, we were able to show that Marion County had already received the assessments and that each homeschooler was completely complying with Florida law. The missing assessments were the mistake of the school, not the families.

So let me get this straight. YOU lose important documents, and attempt to penalize innocent and law-abiding families for it?
Wow. Last time I checked, this was still America, not the Gamma Quadrant. The whole "Resistance is futile" approach taken by the Marion County schools goes WAAAAY over the line, and earns them future consideration as Ignernt Foo' STUPIE nominees.

Cheque this out!

Today I made a delivery to a convenience store operated by an extremely eccentric gal, whom I've had dealings with many times before. (She kind of looks--and acts--like Kennedy from MTV...) This was a C.O.D. stop, meaning I needed to be paid for the beverages. Kennedy Jr. said, "I don't have enough cash in my drawer, so I'm going to print out a money order for you."
"That's fine," I replied.
In a few moments, I was presented with a money order with the dollar amount inked on it, sans payee information and--most importantly-- signature.
"This needs to be signed," I stated, handing the MO back to her.
She looked at me with a confused glare. "Usually, whoever it's made out to signs it," she offered.
Right. So you're saying I'm paying myself?
"No, I'm sorry," I politely affirmed. "The payer is the signature required. Also, it's not made out to anyone."
VJ-wanna-be droned, "Well, you can fill that in."
"OK, I guess," I pointed out, "but it still needs your signature."
She just didn't get it. "But why? It's your cheque."
I held my ground. "I'm required to get a signature on all cheques and money orders."
She resigned, "I'm not real comfortable doing this," grabbing the MO. "I never signed one of these before..."

...Huh?? You've worked here for at least the last 6 months, and you claim to not know how to do a pay-out? No wonder this store's doing so well financially.

2nd today: World-wide stupidity

The web is wonderful!
PSST has indirectly made headlines in Canada on the site "Useless Advice From Useless Men." I wrote them a letter regarding my little indiscretion from 11/8 ("Oops, I did it again") and they published it, complete with, of course, useless advice.
Click on the link on the right and scroll down to QUESTION # 420: ANDROGYNOUS CONUNDRUM, dated Nov. 27, and enjoy the fun!

You want fries with that???

Today, as I unloaded beverages off my truck for a delivery, I had the great privilege of witnessing the following verbal exchange at an Arby's drive-thru order box, just a short distance from where my vehicle was parked. A scruffy, poorly-wardrobed man pulled up in his multi-colored (and multi-textured) 1985 Monte Carlo, complete with major fender rust and a partially-detatched rear bumper. The female employee called out through the talk-box, "Welcome to Arby's. May I please take your order?"
SCRUFF: Yeah, I'd like 2 regular roast beefs, small curly fries and a coke.
BOX: What size would you like?
SCRUFF: A coke, please.
BOX: OK. What size coke?

Interjection: I know sometimes it's hard to understand the muffled voice on the speaker of these talk-boxes, but I was a good 20 feet away, and could understand the gal perfectly.
SCRUFF, leaning out his window, closer to the box: I'd just like a coke, OK?
BOX, growing impatient: Yes, I know that. But what.. size.. drink.. do you want?
SCRUFF, leaning even further out, yelling: OK, fine! A Pepsi, then!!!

Interjection: Arby's carries the Pepsi line of beverages, but assumably, "coke" meant Pepsi to the gal, who was just trying to determine how thirsty (and deaf) this guy was.
BOX, deliberately, but professionally: All I want to know is what size drink you want!
SCRUFF, flipping off the menu board: Oh, just forget it, then!!!
...And drove off...

Maybe he'll have better luck at the Burger King across the street... I think they carry Coke!

Ebonic Jesus

This little piece probably appears on "News of the Weird" as well-- especially since Chuck Shepherd reported this himself-- but I couldn't pass up on the latest version of "Marketing of Jesus."
New York City Episcopal priest Timothy Holder ("Poppa T"), whose HipHopEMass and "Hip Hop Prayer Book" have turned south Bronx youth into parishioners over the last two years, issued a music CD in November featuring Bible stories in street language. For example, the 23rd Psalm: "The Lord is all that/ I need for nuthin'/ He 'lows me ta chill."

Great. Jess whats weez all be needin', sho...

You're on the air(head)!

Today in the car, I flipped on the radio, just as the local station was announcing the winner of some call-in contest. Usually, the DJ records the call from the lucky contestant and then plays it over the airwaves at the completion of a song. The on-air exchange went as follows:
DJ: "Hello, Magic 93. Who's this?"
Caller (hesitantly): "...This is Lois... Did I get through?"

Well, you're talking to the DJ, aren't you???

If I were me

Today's PSST notoriety belongs to Michael Richards, aka "Kramer" from Seinfeld, who launched into a tirade full of N-bombs and other assorted obscenities, which was directed at a couple of hecklers interrupting his stand-up act Nov. 17. (To his credit, Mr. Richards has since apologized on national TV and is considering anger management assistance.)
Kenny Kramer, the personified inspiration for the character depicted on Seinfeld, has been deflecting accusations that Michael's rant proves he (Kramer) is racist, or that he thinks Richards himself is racist, ever since the unfortunate event took place. More on the man behind the man can be found at www.kennykramer.com.
In an interview with the AP, Kramer (the real one) shows that he has maintained a proper perspective on his indirect fame, and offered the following bits of logic and wit.
...[Kramer] issued a statement drawing the distinction: "I know the public is smart enough to realize that Michael Richards' personal actions in no way reflect on the character he portrayed on television or me, Kenny Kramer, the real person that the character was based on."
Kramer managed to find a silver lining in the confusion.
"You know what the good news is?" he asked. "Judith Regan is now on a plane to California, trying to sign Michael Richards to a book deal: `If I Were a Racist, Here's What I Would Have Said.'" (A cute take-off of OJ's failed book.)

Roker's a turkey

The yearly NBC production of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade wouldn't be complete without Al Roker embarrassing himself on national TV.
Doing a little feature on the network's hit show "Heroes" (Which I HIGHLY recommend, BTW) with some of the cast members, Roker tried to connect with the show's fans; and failed miserably, when once again, he showed he didn't do his homework beforehand. Trying to quote the show's catch-phrase, Roker blurted, "Save the world, save the cheerleader!!" ...And, to my delight, had his dyslexia corrected in unison by the cast members...

Way to go, Al! Thanks for maintaining yet another Thanksgiving tradition!

People Conceive Stupid Ideas!

Saw the following article in the Electric City (Scranton, PA) weekly written by Mike Ashworth and wanted to give him today's space, because he so perfectly captured the essence of Incredulous.... Enjoy... "

Under the Covers" by Mike Ashworth
"Little T Can Suck It"
'Little T Learns to Share' by Terrell Owens with Courtney Parker, illustrations by Todd Harris

This week I've discovered one of the most unbelievable and astounding books I've ever seen. Somehow it had slipped quietly into the children's section of my store undetected until a well-informed customer requested it.
I was instantly held mesmerized when out of the stacks came a small hardcover picture book. A small group of employees gathered around wide-eyed, wondering if it could be for real. It WAS!
This modern classic is called Little T Learns to Share (BenBella Books, Inc. $14.95), and it's by Terrell Owens "with Courtney Parker" and features illustrations by Todd Harris.
Arguably the greediest, most self-centered, egotistical, attention-seeking, poor-sport, bad-mouthing, disruptive, back-stabbing, emotionally troubled, prima-donna player in all of the NFL has co-authored a kids' book on values!
...If you want audacity, here it is! The vanity! The temerity! (I could probably go on with at least another half dozen more 50-cent words here. For your sake, I will just continue on with my rant.)
I mean, this is like How to Be a Good Neighbor by Charlie Manson, Dining with Dahmer by Jeffrey Dahmer, or ex-Congressman Mark Foley's My New Career as a Scoutmaster. Who in their right mind thought, "Yes, well, he's a big name in professional athletics, of course he'll make a great role model; I'll definitely publish his books"? It is not surprising that it is not carried by a large publisher.
After recovering a little from the initial shock, I just couldn't keep myself from opening it up. What was the first thing to greet my eyes? "To my children, may my life serve as an example to you..."
WHAT?! ...Even most of his fans admit, "Yeah, he's an [arrogant butthead], but is an amazingly gifted athlete." What kind of example is this?
This is truly mind-boggling. Yet, even after this I valiantly pushed on. I was also surprised to see that T.O. may actually have had something to do with the writing of the book.
After reading, "I don't think so, Sam - I'm sorry, Tim -I'mma have to turn ya'll down," it is clear that a great pedagogical mind and literary genius was at work here.
If you are curious, the writing doesn't get much better, and even the illustrations are mediocre at best. There's more good news, too. The cover sports a bright red star advertising "First in the T.O.'s Timeouts Series."
Here's my recommended titles for the further books in the T.O.'s Timeouts Series that would also address other topics T.O. knows nothing about:Little T Becomes a Team Player, Little T Holds His Tongue, Little T Shares the Spotlight, Little T Admits He's Wrong, Little T Takes One for the Team, and Little T Minds His Medication.
Personally, I think Little T should shut up and go the hell away, because it will be a cold day there before I read anything written by him to my children! However, I'm certain this will be an instant bestseller in a few certain markets like, oh, Philadelphia and San Francisco.

Bravo, Mike! Bravo!!!

Surly you jest

Often times while driving from point-to-point on our deliveries, Pat and I will converse via Direct-Connect on our phones. This morning, I arrived at a local convenience store, loaded up my hand-truck and was wheeling it into the building. Pat was concluding a thought on the DC as I entered. The clerk looked at me like I had just passed gas in a closet after eating a million hot dogs. "It's awfully ignorant of you to be talking on the phone when you come in here!" she screamed. (Literally.) "Why can't you finish your conversation outside?!"
"And a happy Monday to you, too," I thought. "What's the problem? We're not checking in the order yet, and he's talking to me," I noted.
"That's just rude," she snipped. "Where's your sense of etiquette?!"
Obviously, I had inadvertently hit a sore spot with this gal, so I just resigned, "Fine!"
The shift manager then followed me into the back room (as I was taking the goods there and boomed, "You have no business using a phone while you're in here!" (To this moment, I still don't know why this was such a federal issue.)
Anyway, I motioned for him to cool his jets, and pushed the talk button to sign off with Pat. "I'm gonna have to go. I'm---"
"WORKING instead of gabbing!" the manager loudly interrupted, leaning over my shoulder into the mic.

Oh, sorry. My bad. That wasn't at all ignorant.
So, I guess it's fully acceptable to be unprofessional and surly, but God forbid you should use a phone in a public place!!!

Oxygen alternative

The bug bit Pat, too!!! (If I can own up to mis-identifying someone's gender, I can bust on my friend/work associate, too!)
Long story short, while making deliveries today, Pat got pulled over by Department of Transportation officials. He was cited for a couple of code violations on his truck, including a tire severely under-pressured. Seems he had run over a nail on the road earlier in the morning. He had to wait where he was until a mechanic came to replace the tire and repair the other problems.
When the repairman came with the tire, it too was a bit low on air pressure. Pat called the boss, "Bobby," to let him know. Bobby told Pat to fill it up with air. Meaning to ask if he could go to any air pump, the Freudian slip which escaped Pat's lips was, "Do I fill that up with regular air?"

As Bobby teased, "I know those nitrogen-filled tires are really big now, but..."

It's the media's fault!

I got a huge laugh when I heard the feedback from a news story run on WNEP-16 Wednesday evening. The transcript follows. It's important to remember that when this aired on TV, graphic images were shown of the dead deer mentioned in the tale...
Two Attacked by Deer
Wednesday, November 15, UDPATED: 5:48 p.m.By Norm Jones
A deer attacked a couple in Clinton County Wednesday morning and put them in the hospital. Troopers said the buck walked up to the back door of the house on Fishing Creek Road near Lamar. When the homeowners tried to shoo it away, the buck attacked both of them.
State police got the frantic phone call around 8 a.m. A large, six-point buck was attacking Frank Rishel right in his backyard. Troopers said when they showed up they heard screaming coming from the house and what they saw completely shocked them. The deer was attacking Linda Yost and her boyfriend, Rishel, lay motionless on the ground. State police said one trooper grabbed its antlers with one hand and shot it with the other. Another trooper then opened fire, killing the deer.
Officials said the buck had walked right up to the house and attacked when Rishel tried to scare it off. Donna and Terry Jierles live nearby and walk there often. The couple brought a hefty piece of wood on their morning walk after hearing of the attack.
"There's just one thing on their (deer) mind. They're just insane. There's just no, no predicting them. Normally you could chase a deer away. When they're in rut, they do their own thing," Terry Jierles said.
The Pennsylvania Game Commission agrees. Biologist Tony Ross said when a buck is in the rut all bets are off. "Anybody that tries to get in the way of that, that deer is going to try and go through them," Ross said.

After viewing the gruesome footage, one watcher expressed his opinion on WNEP-16's "Talkback."
Was that really necessary? Is that news? A shot-full-of-holes deer, bulging eyes, pools of blood. Let me tell you what happened in my house! My 13 year old son told my 3 year old daughter there won't be Christmas because the police shot Rudolph! Nice job WNEP.

Ah, yes. The Newsstation has permanently spoiled your holiday, just like the family who had their pumpkins stolen off their porch right before Halloween.

Merry Stinking Christmas.

P.C. Earns "Supplemental STUPIE"

We interrupt this blog to present a special STUPIE in a new, separate category. Borrowing a phrase from ESPN's "Mike and Mike In the Morning" show, this award is called the "Just Shut UP! STUPIE..."
The STUPIE goes most boldly and unabashedly to the US Department of Agriculture's Mark Nord for his "justification" behind eliminating the word "hunger" to categorize those who don't have enough to eat. Yeah, that solves the problem!!!
The following excerpts are taken from the Washington Post...
U.S. agency changes "hunger" to "very low food security"
By Elizabeth Williamson
WASHINGTON -- The U.S. government has vowed that Americans will never be hungry again. But they may experience "very low food security."
Every year, the Agriculture Department issues a report that measures Americans' access to food, and it has consistently used the word "hunger" in connection with those who can least afford to put food on the table. But not this year.
Mark Nord, the lead author of the report, said "hunger" is "not a scientifically accurate term for the specific phenomenon being measured in the food security survey." Nord, an Agriculture Department sociologist, said, "We don't have a measure of that condition."
The department said that 12 percent of Americans — 35 million people — could not put food on the table at least part of last year. Eleven million of them reported going hungry at times. Beginning this year, the Agriculture Department has determined "very low food security" to be a more scientifically palatable description for that group. The United States has set a goal of reducing the proportion of food-insecure households to 6 percent or less by 2010, or half the 1995 level, but it has proved difficult. The number of hungry Americans has risen over the past five years, and last year, the share of food-insecure households stood at 11 percent.
Less vexing has been the effort to fix the way hunger is described. Three years ago, the department asked the Committee on National Statistics of the National Academies "to ensure that the measurement methods USDA uses to assess households' access — or lack of access — to adequate food and the language used to describe those conditions are conceptually and operationally sound."
The panel suggested that the Agriculture Department scrap the word "hunger," which "should refer to a potential consequence of food insecurity that, because of prolonged, involuntary lack of food, results in discomfort, illness, weakness, or pain that goes beyond the usual uneasy sensation."
To measure hunger, the department determined, the government would have to ask individual people whether "lack of eating led to these more severe conditions," as opposed to asking who can afford to keep food in the house, Nord said.
It is not likely that Agriculture Department economists will tackle measuring individual hunger. "Hunger is clearly an important issue," Nord said. "But lacking a widespread consensus on what the word 'hunger' should refer to, it's difficult for research to shed meaningful light on it."
Anti-hunger advocates say the new words sugarcoat a national shame. "The proposal to remove the word 'hunger' from our official reports is a huge disservice to the millions of Americans who struggle daily to feed themselves and their families," said David Beckmann, president of Bread for the World, an anti-hunger advocacy group.
"We ... cannot hide the reality of hunger among our citizens."
So, Mr. Nord, you think you can just ignore the fact that millions of people in the richest nation on earth don't have enough to eat, and that hundreds are dying due to malnourishment each year? What do you possibly know about hunger? You're pulling in a 6-figure income every year. Try getting down on the level of the less fortunate who have to scrap each day for every little bit of food, clothing and finances they can get, just to survive until tomorrow?
The term "Low-food security" is repulsive at best and callously criminal at worst. Though you're not elected by the public, your boss (the Prez) is. Maybe a different boss will see things more realistically than you, providing you with " Very low job security."

In the spirit of Mike and Mike, Mr. Nord, JUST SHUT UP! Enjoy your freaking STUPIE.

Kick 'em while they're down

By now, most have heard the sordid story of Rev. Ted Haggard, former leader of the National Association of Evangelicals, and his fall from grace as he got caught up in a drug-use/gay-fling scandal, despite being a harsh opponent (from the pulpit) to homosexuality. To quote Paul Harvey, perhaps you don't yet know The Rest of the Story...
Seems Mr. Haggard sought to right the wrongs by submitting to a group of his friends and constituents, making himself fully accountable to them. Counseling, prayer and encouragement was to be the MO for this group, which included Christian psychologist, Dr. James Dobson. A little over one year ago, I heard Dr. Dobson call Rev. Haggard "one of his closest friends" on his nationally syndicated radio program, Focus On the Family. Then, the other shoe dropped...
Nov 7, 2006 (AP)— Citing a lack of time, Focus on the Family founder James Dobson withdrew Tuesday from the team overseeing counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard, the evangelical pastor who was fired amid allegations of gay sex and drug use.
"Emotionally and spiritually, I wanted to be of help but the reality is I don't have the time to devote to such a critical responsibility," Dobson said.
That's nice. It's comforting to know that such a public figure in the world of Christianity is so dedicated to friendship...

DEFINITELY an early nominee for the Ignernt Foo' STUPIE!

The customer is always ticked.

I went into a local convenience store today with a delivery. As I brought in the first stack of goods, the manager asked to see the invoice. Several items were out of stock; hence, they were not being delivered. Obviously upset, she grabbed the phone and called my company to complain-- not about me, but about the fact that she needed a lot of product that we weren't able to provide. I listened with vested interest, because frankly, this particular salesman who sells to this store is a waste of vital space on this planet...
The manager registered her complaint by telling the head of sales, "Well, he came in yesterday and said you guys have all this stuff... ...Yes, but I have 9 cases I'm missing today... ...Yes, I've let him know I wasn't happy with his service... ...What he told me was, 'Well, I keep ordering the cases, but they aren't coming in...'"

Yeah, that's professional. Don't give the customer what they want...
Oh, BTW, each salesman carries a hand-held computer, which, among other things, provides each person with the exact amounts of product in our inventory.

...Which, apparently, Dumkopf failed to check before making his idle promises.

Sleep deprivation = new math

I overheard a lady who identified herself as a nurse talking with a store clerk on Friday...
"We worked a double (shift) yesterday, then I had to go over to the ICU to visit Jim. By the time I got home, I had to make the kids' lunches and drive them to school, and now I'm going back to work. Yesterday, I was up for 30 hours..."

While mildly funny at first, I got to thinking about this lady's day. I admire her for her strength and fortitude. And, with the often-stressful conditions of her vocation, each day may indeed feel like 30 hours.

Oops, I did it again!

Today I made a delivery to an area convenience store. I brought in all the product, and then notified the staff there that I needed someone to check me in; that is, to verify all the (correct) items were accounted for. A young clerk of very... er, general appearance, joined me for a walk back to where I had set everything. We ran through the order, and the clerk said, "OK, you're all set to go!"
"Thank you, sir," I mechanically sang...
...And the very moment I had uttered the word "Sir," I thought to myself in that split-second of time, "Uh, oh. I hope that was a 'sir'!" I turned from my work to catch a second glimpse, and when I did, I noticed the name embroidered on the clerk's work shirt, and my worst fear came true.
"Rebecca."

AAAAARRRRGGHHHHHHH!

Mmmmm... Foot... Tasty...

Those who can't lead... Utter nonsense

Today is Election Day. In PA, the race for governor pits incumbent Ed Rendell against former NFL star and political rookie Lynn Swann. Several different polls show Swann trailing substantially, but that doesn't phase the former football standout.
"I'm counting on people to get to the (polling precincts) to vote to defeat the other candidate. The polls have nothing to do with this... Polls don't matter. The only thing that matters are the voters."

...And just who do you suppose the pollsters quizzed to formulate those polls? Hmm... Maybe Swann took one bone-jarring hit too many during his previous career.
*Quote source: WNEP-16's Jon Meyer, reporting from Swann's campaign headquarters.

Win a Stupie, give an encore performance

Today I returned to the same CVS pharmacy that was manned by the uncaring clerk mentioned in our awards presentation. I found it funny that no sooner had I "recognized" her then she returned to her... Um, lack of tact. As I entered with my delivery, the clerk was cashing out a lady that she evidently knew. As the transaction was being completed, they entered into dialogue. The elderly customer lamented, "Last night, I went to the hospice to see William." Shaking her head sorrowfully, she admitted, "He did not look good at all..."
Miss Insightful loudly quipped, "Yeah, that's what they're all there for-- TO DIE!!!"

I thought the pharmacy was supposed to help me feel better!

I suppose, in this case, CVS stands for "Crass, Vulgar and Sarcastic."

The Stupies IV

Thanks for joining us as we recap the best of the worst, via the fourth presentation of the STUPIES! Like we did 100 posts ago, we shall be awarding 3 distinct trophies of distinction to those who have displayed an exorbitant amount of stupidity.
First, the Ignernt Foo' STUPIE, honoring the memory of pop-star Michael Jackson, ("They're just a bunch of ignernt foo's...") is given to an individual who utters the most arrogant and heartless, uh, utterance. Though we had 3 nominees, including the "Man of peace" from 9/28 and the mobile home evictor from 7/27, the winner, hands down, was the pharmacy clerk from 9/15!
Today I went into a local CVS pharmacy, a large, franchised chain of stores. My business (soda delivery) brought me there, but it was an elderly customer which caught my eye and held my attention. She was continually pacing the aisles, looking confused. Finally, she approached the store clerk, and asked, "Excuse me, but where can I find ACE bandages?" Without batting an eye, the clerk shot, "In a hospital?!" ...and walked away...

Next, we present the Cloud of Idiot Gas STUPIE, honoring fellow blogger "Sierra" and the former blog site of the same name. The C.I.G. tags the figure within the public eye who suffers the most acute form of hoofus mouthus. Nominees included Sen. John Kerry ("Education") and Lindsey Wagner ("Getting a good night's sleep"). However, the STUPIE goes to the over-sexed and under-intelligent Brittany Spears!
Spears has offered some very not-so-profound insights into her pregnancy, motherhood and "getting her body back" in a recent People magazine interview. At eight months pregnant --she says she's due "in a month"-- the 24-year-old singer is about to become a mom for the second time in one year. And no, this pregnancy wasn't planned. "It just kind of happened," says Spears, who insists she and husband Kevin Federline, 28, don't know the baby's gender. ( Ah, yes, the Sperminator strikes again!!! "Just kind of happened?" You mean, like the other countless kiddies Kevin's contributed to the world?) With her upbeat outlook-- childbirth "will be a piece of cake," she says cheerfully of her scheduled C-section, the same as her first-- this is a more relaxed, less visibly stressed Brittney than the one who broke down in tears during a June interview with Matt Lauer. Of the media scrutiny following that appearance, she says, "They've said some hurtful things, but you just try to ignore it and keep moving on."(That's right, keep moving on by ignoring parenting skills and continually placing your career ahead of your family, dragging around your tired tikes like a wooden duck on a pull-string!) Now in the home stretch, she is relying on support from her husband (Pshaw! Good luck with that!)

Finally, we have come to the Incredulous Choice STUPIE, granted to the person of my own choice who best exemplifies a complete departure from the world of common sense and coherence. Betting her age is higher than her SAT score, the winner is the gal in the sandwich shop!
As I made a delivery to a small hoagie shop, I took notice of the owner, who was behind the counter, looking exasperated. Meanwhile, a middle-aged woman longingly studied the menu board. I got the idea that these two had been in the same position for quite some time. After a long pregnant pause, accompanied by much eye-rolling of the shopkeeper, the woman hemmed and hawed a bit, then vacantly quizzed, "OK, 'ham and cheese.' Now, what do you mean by that? I mean, what is it made up of?"

And so we come to the end of another STUPIES low-light reel. Keep on coming back for more regular fits of the insane and inane, and join us again in another 100 posts for the quinticentennial edition of the STUPIES!

And lastly, before the STUPIES...

Two words: John Kerry.
Editor's note: I do not agree with most of President Bush's policies, specifically his stubborn stance on the war in Iraq, but I certainly don't advocate saying ridiculously retarded things about it.
John Kerry, in a speech to students in California Monday: "You know, education, if you make the most of it, if you study hard and you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, uh, you, you can do well. If you don't you get stuck in Iraq."
Yes, the not-so-obvious intent of Mr. Kerry is to criticize the Bush administration. Instead, he inadvertently insulted the US Armed Forces.

John, I would hope that with your educational background, you would make a better effort to be smart, because, uh, you, you aren't doing too well right now.

Mistaken ID-a

Pat told me a great story about a relative today...
Seems his cousin "Amelia" isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. First, Pat brought his kids to Amelia's for trick-or-treating last night. Pat waited in the car while his kids went inside to get their booty. His daughter came out with an odd look on her face. She had received a pair of black tights, which was fine, because she's a dancer, but that was accompanied by the universal treat... Ramen noodles?
Why the stinking heck would anyone give a kid Ramen noodles???
Anyhoo, Amelia had just gotten married 3 months ago, but already is separated. Why the sudden change? Turns out marriage wasn't all it was cracked up to be; namely, that she was (still) in debt. She told the family, "I'm getting married because all my debt listed under my maiden name will be forgiven."

Right. Because the IRS will no longer have the clue who you are.