END OF MONTH: Starting early

A local tabloid-type newspaper recently asked readers what their favorite bar was, and why. One dude replied, "[So-and-so's] in Pittston, cuz I grew up there."

Nothing like a 10-year-old slamming shots!

Stop at the Exxon for directions

A co-worker of mine was arguing with my friend Pat about travel destinations. She emphatically spouted, "Philadelphia's a lot closer to Pennsylvania than New Jersey is."

Somebody call AAA!!!
-Special thanks to Pat for reminding me of this eruption of false logic

Hallucinations

Both my wife and daughter are into fairies, butterflies, etc... and enjoy viewing such art on the web. On the site www.gardenfairy.com, my wife found the following quote:
"Take a nap among the poppies to bring fairies to your dreams."

Lemme tell ya, you lie among the poppies, you'll see all sorts of interesting things in your dreams!!!

You don't say!

As I've been watching the Weather channel's coverage on the approach of hurricane Katrina, I cringed everytime they'd go to a live report in New Orleans, and the field-reporter informed us, "Conditions are only going to deteriorate from here on out."
Yep, that's why you get paid the big bucks!

At least they're polite!

Blockbuster video has an odd corporate policy that all check-out cashiers must ask this question:
"Did you find everything OK?"
Well, I've got videos, don't I?

Important interruption!!!!

I'm taking a necessary break from the usual content of the blog to pass on a most urgent plea to help the people of the lower Mississippi valley and the Gulf shores as Katrina wreaks havoc on the region. Please go to my other blog at www.twasthen.blogspot.com and read the post "A plea for compassion." Thanks, and God bless.

Police stupidity

Exerpts from an article from the website of a local TV station, WNEP-16...

Police arrested Jeffery Borrin Saturday morning, after an arrest warrant was issued for him Friday...
Police said Borrin was driving an SUV when it slammed into a charity motorcycle ride last month, killing one rider and severely injuring another...
Since the deadly crash Borrin has been stopped three times for driving with a suspended license. Police said the last time he was stopped, they found heroin in his car.

Would somebody PLEASE explain to me why the police let him go if he had illegal drugs in his possession??? This is thicker than just a cloud of idiot gas: this is pea-soup fog!!!
(OK, I admit this story made my blood boil!)

And you're a doctor, WHY???

A few years ago, my wife was having severe intestinal pains for many days. Her PCP sent her to a GI specialist. Upon completion of a battery of tests and analysis, his professional opinion was:
"You should not be having this pain. I don't know why you are having this pain."

There's another $20 copay down the drain!

Enigmatic vagueness

The following is a half-page (5x8) ad in an education magazine.

Tomorrow is coming. Register today.
phc online-- It'll come to you.
www.phc.edu/distancelearning

Yeah, I'm sold! ...NOT!

Yes, please, insult my intelligence again!

This scene has played out repeatedly on our local newscast...
ANCHOR: "...And now let's go to the back yard where meteorologist Tom Clark awaits to tell us about the latest conditions."
WEATHERMAN, wearing a heavy raincoat and hovering under an umbrella: "Well, Mike, it's raining quite heavily right now..."

Oh, is that right!?

Too much information

"Parking ticket" Joe, as I previously said, was quite... uh, large. One day, before we all began work, we were sitting in the breakroom, watching TV. An ad for Lipitor came on. With no modesty whatsoever, Joe stated,
"That stuff works [lowers your cholesterol] great, but it makes you run like a rabbit."
Thanks for the insight.

Parking tickets

This post doesn't contain an exact quotation, but rather a general reaction that makes one wonder, "WHAT did you THINK would happen???"
One of my co-workers at the phone company was a man named Joe. He was very obese (not making fun of it, but it's a necessary component to this story) and a little cocky. He had a big white van specially outfitted for him to drive. Since it was a tough effort for him to walk any distance, he would park his van right in front of our building. He'd never feed the meter, and consequently would receive 2 or 3 parking tickets every day. He arrogantly declared he'd never pay the fines. He even proudly displayed the HUNDREDS (literally) of little yellow citations on top of his dash.
I, and other fellow employees, asked him why he just didn't go to apply for a handicap tag, so he could park in a designated space nearby, but he replied, "I don't want to deal with the hassle."
One day, you guessed it, the city finally got wise and impounded his van. His fines totaled $1500, and his judgment on this development was, "Who do they think they are? I need that van to get to work!!!"
He suddenly passed away a few weeks later, sans van, and the city never did get their money. A sad close to a very strange story!

CAN be, eh?

In a local radio ad for a law firm, one of the partners declares, "Drinking and driving can be as dangerous as carrying a loaded gun..."
Not the most credible or humorous statements I've ever heard. Just ridiculous.

Got stress?

Working as a Directory Assistance operator was NOT as easy as it sounds. It messed up quite a few of my co-workers! For instance, one day, one of them had just finished up a pretty difficult and/or frustrating call, got up from his work seat and muttered, ..."Bodies for dollars!!!"
Turns out, previously, he had been a mortitian.
For many more hilarious, authentic and unbelievable stories like this one, check out "Never Argue With Morons" at http://patmartin.blogspot.com. You won't be disappointed!

Tar, anyone?

Many moons ago, in a job far, far away, I was on break at the same time as my manager, and he told me, "I bought those new Doral cigarettes today, and they taste sooo good! ...Well, as good as a cig can taste..."

Mmmmmm...

Interjection: A wise statement!

My wife, perhaps inspired by this blog page, issued the following tidbit of wisdom:
"Ignorance is NOT bliss. Ignorance is stupid!"
--Amen!

Until next time...

J. Michael Smith regularly hosts a 1-minute long radio program called "Homeschool Heartbeat." He'll briefly discuss a relevant topic, and then always close with the following statement.
"Until next time, I'm Mike Smith."

Really? Who are you gonna be next time?

...WHAT ON EARTH???

A few years ago, a co-worker of mine announced she was moving to Arizona. Another "colleague" overheard and blurted out, "Just make sure to take your own water, and steer clear of all the men out there, because they're all rapists!"

...Uuuuhhhhhhhh, what?

Priorities

The following is an excerpt from an AP news story re: a tornado in southwestern Wisconsin on 8/18/05 that left one person dead, dozens injured and destroyed nearly 100 homes...
Lenny Peaslee, executive chef at the Stoughton (WI) Country Club, said the twister tore the roof off as about 40 people took refuge in the basement.
"We were... hiding behind the bar," he said. "We had beer, anyway."
WOW...

Can you say, "...Duuuuuhhhh?"

I worked as a Directory Assistance operator for 7 years. I was asked this question too many times to count:
"What's the number for the operator?"

Stupid radio promo

I heard the following filler/promo at work today while a hard-rock genre station played...
"There's a word for people who don't like to rock... Your grandmother!"
(Feeble, squeaky voice) "I wear Depends now. I don't need to get up to go to the bathroom!"
"97.9 X Rocks..."
Makes you want to listen to some Metallica now, doesn't it!!!

"My friend took me to Long John Silver's..."

and I didn't like it, because I love seafood, but I hate fish!"

--Spoken by my Grandmother-in-law July 2002

A friend's personal account

A friend of mine recently told me about a memory he had of one of his classmates in 9th grade history class...
She had raised her hand and proceeded to ask:
"Excuse me, sir, but could you please tell me who Manual Labor is?"

A statement overheard in a public restroom

Today, my wife was using the facility at Wal-Mart when she overheard an exchange in two other stalls...
"Hey Jen! A piece of bacon just fell out of my shirt!"
"Nice."

Now THAT'S something you don't hear everyday!

"It's the greatest thing..."

(Insert your choice miracle product here) is the greatest thing since sliced bread!

OK, I want to know who invented sliced bread, when, and who documented this historical event. ...And just how long had mankind survived without slicing their bread?