Instructions for the intelligence impaired

I had given a decorative covered candle to my wife for Christmas. (It was a small, old-fashioned church with a removable roof, revealing the candle inside.) It turned out to be a sort-of gift to myself, however, as I received a series of laughs upon reading the instructions on the box. I know companies have to cover themselves legally, but do they truly believe all consumers are idiots?

Candle will become hot during use.
Are you SURE about that?

Never extinguish flame with water.
Oh. Well, can I use my fire extinguisher instead?

Never drop burned matches or other objects into candle.
Hey honey, have you seen the nail clippers? Oh, never mind, here they are in the candle.

Never burn candle with lid on.
After all, the flame doesn't require oxygen to burn, right?

Never burn candle near combustible materials or in an enclosed area.
You mean, like in my HOUSE?

I tell you, if people have attempted any of these things, or doesn't understand the concepts before lighting up the candle, perhaps the wick doesn't burn at both ends, if you know what I mean.

An extremely odd way to grieve

Originally, I wasn't going to post anything today, but this article I found on AOL News is just too strange.
Utah Woman Dies Hours After Her Wedding
SALT LAKE CITY (Dec. 27) -- A 25-year-old woman who occasionally visited Utah schools to discourage children from using drugs died hours after her wedding, her husband said. Jennifer Ann Bennett Goodall and Doug Goodall were married Saturday.
The next day, Christmas eve, "she didn't wake up," Goodall told KSL-TV. "I'm so grateful that she left on the happiest day of her life."
An autopsy was performed, but the cause of death was not immediately determined, Goodall said.

Perhaps it's because of the days in which we live in, but I'm awfully suspicious of Mr. Goodall here. Something doesn't add up. I mean, your WIFE just died, and you conjure up a statement like that?! Also, what's with him attempting to release information about the autopsy? Isn't that the coroner's job?

I seriously hope and pray this is nothing more than my paranoia, and that there's no foul play involved here. ...But my nagging instinct says otherwise.

Dial "O" for "oops"

For quite some time, someone has been using our phone number in order to conduct fraudulent activity. It cost money and is a bit of a hassle to change our number, so we just inform anyone looking for "Joe and Carla" that they were given our number in error.
The other day, the phone rang. As always, my wife checked the caller ID to see who was calling. It was someone from out-of-state who had dialed us a number of times. My wife, wanting to tell these people to take our number off their list, picked up the phone and clearly said, "[Incredulous] residence. May I help you?"
The party on the other end hesitated, then offered, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize this was a business."

She did say "residence!" Maybe the caller thought we were a residence who would accommodate the woman from yesterday's post.

Drive-thru service???

The following story is either incredibly hilarious, or incredibly sad. It depends on your point of view.
As I sojourned along my work route today, I was approached in the parking lot of an area gas station as I unloaded product off my truck. A seventy-something man approached me and asked, "Excuse me, young man. Is there a nursing home up that way?" pointing to his right.
Rather stunned by this unusual inquiry, I stuttered, "Um, ah, sorry, no, I don't think so..." Then recovering a bit, I prodded, "Do you know the name of the place?"
"Oh, no," the man shrugged. "No name. Just any nursing home."
Taken farther aback by this even more unusual statement, I dismissed him with, "I'm sorry sir, I'm afraid I can't help you out."
The man waddled away.
Completely dumbfounded, and my curiosity now aroused, I skulked around the side of my truck to see where he had gone. I thought maybe he was heading into the station to ask the odd question inside. Instead, I saw him walk to his car, but to the passenger side. He opened the door, and I noticed an elderly, hunched over woman in the seat. The man sang in a condescending tone, "Sorry, honey! There's no nursing home down here! We'll have to go somewhere else!"

SAY WHAT??? What in the name of Dr. Kevorkian are you looking for, a golden palace with a sign out front reading, "Walk-ins welcome"???

And all this on the day after Christmas...

Politically incorrect holiday greetings

This past week, my buddy Pat was completing a delivery to an area business. In closing, the store proprietor offered, "Have a happy holiday!" ...A reflective pause... "...Unless you're Jewish!"

I'd like to wish all my readers, new and old, a Happy Kwanukas! Happy New Year, too-- unless you're Chinese! ...Or Jewish! ...Or Russian!

Aw, heck with it...

Lap song and dance

My family and I have the opportunity to go to a neighborhood city park and see a wonderful light display. The way the city Parks and Recreation department have it set up is that you can view the whole thing from the comfort of your car as you travel along a path circling around the grounds.
At the end of the trail, there's a refreshment stand, and a small trailer with Santa inside. Hoping to raise a little bit of extra cash, the Parks folks decided to sell photo ops with Santa. A small sign was posted on the side of the trailer: "Pictures with Santa-- $8.00 per framed portrait. You take photo: $3.00."

Now, just hold your red-nosed reindeer a second, Nick. You're going to charge me for taking my own photo, with my own camera, of my child on your knee? I guess the whole concept is that if professional sports figures can charge for an autograph, Kris Kringle can get some bling bling, too. It's just the whole idea of a benevolent, giving figurehead becoming a cash cow is a little too much to swallow.

Ending pre-Christmas postings with a lighter note next!

Ignorance: the gift that keeps on giving

I arrived at a local pharmacy today to make a delivery. After stacking up my hand-truck with a heavy amount of product, I headed across the parking lot to the front door. I noticed a hunched-over, elderly lady struggling along her way to the same door with a walker, maneuvering herself along with great difficulty. Though my cart weighed a ton, I decided it was more important to get to the entrance, set down my stuff and hold the door open for her.
...Which I did, grabbing the outside door. A woman exiting the store also saw the woman coming, and held the inside door ajar. As the aged lady slowly lurched past me, she offered me a shy but kind smile. I, in return, wished her "Happy holidays." She stiffly ventured into the vestibule to the inner door. As she did so, the woman holding the door gawked, and then loudly blurted out, "OHH! I PRAY TO GOD I DON'T GET LIKE HER WHEN I'M THAT AGE!"

Yo, girl! She ain't deaf, too!

Have yourself an ignorant holiday, ma'am, and I hope Santa brings you another foot, because yours is permanently lodged in that gaping hole in your face!

PSST is making another appearance on Useless Advice From Useless Men! Look for question #440 in the next couple of days, signed by me using the moniker "X/Y Chromosome."

Have yourself a dysfunctional Christmas

Another edition of "We Asked, You Answered" from the Weekender, Northeast PA's arts and entertainment weekly, is sure to set us all in the holiday mood.
This week's question: "What Christmas character would you like to be?" Some answers were Snow Miser, Mrs. Claus and Buddy the Elf. Along comes Ryan Farrel to paint a much-too-graphic picture of his own twisted life!
"Hermie (from Rudolph) because he wanted to be a dentist and my mom's a dentist."

Um, so you're saying you want to be your mom??? (Pat, stop laughing!)

"Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is an Oedipus complex!"

Mostly coudy with a chance of stupidity

After a long hiatus, WNEP-16's chief meteorologist Tom Clark makes a grand re-entry on the pages on PSST.
This evening, Tommy began his segment talking about a most unusual occurrence. "The space shuttle will be visible very low in the Northwestern sky tonight. As the shuttle re-enters the atmosphere, a long streak-- kind of like a slow-moving shooting star-- will be able to be seen, just about 25 degrees above the horizon. It'll only appear for about 25 or 30 seconds, and this will take place about 3 minutes from now. ...Now, don't go outside! I want you to see the weather..."
WHAT???
Then why'd you even bring it up in the first place? Are you truly that egotistical, Clarkie, to think that your viewers would turn up their noses at the opportunity to see something they may never see again, just so we can veg on our couches listening to you say it'll be partly cloudy and 40 tomorrow? (I knew that yesterday!!) And why in the name of Buzz Aldron do you need to take up 3 + minutes of air-time to cover the weather???

Looks like somebody has moon rocks in their head...

Your neighborhood inconvenience store

...More two-parters!
I visited 2 different convenient stores today, both owned by the same corporation, and experienced an oddity in both. At the first location, I got my order verified by the same manager who had checked me in every week for the last 7 months. After that, it's the responsibility of the vendor (aka me) to price the products. The check-in completed, the manager stared at me blankly, and asked, "Do you know how to use a price gun?"

Who the stink do you think has been pricing this stuff the last 1/2 year?

At stop #2, they had holiday hours posted on the front door. The sign read, "Christmas day: Open: 8:00 AM; Closed: Open 24 hours."

Well, not if you're not opening until 8:00! ...Oh... You meant 24 hours, but just not consecutively?

A dumb vignette in 2 short acts

The scene: a local convenience store.
Cast of characters: Me, making a delivery covering for another driver, Kevin, who was on vacation. Mini-mart Nazi, manager of said convenience store. Short-tempered, impatient, and belittling, not thinking anyone is capable of doing anything right.

ACT I

Delivery driver enters the scene, with about 1/2 of the delivery total. Hi, how are you doing? ...This is just the first load. I have about 10 more cases to bring in. Do you want me to leave these here while I get the rest?
Nazi gets indignant. Oh, NO!!! You can't leave those there! We're extremely busy right now!
Driver, having put up with nonsense from Nazi before, takes an exaggerated, animated glance around the store to surmise how busy they are by counting customers.
...ONE...

ACT II

After shaking off the first wave of stupidity, driver gets ready to take the cases into the cooler. The long-anticipated question is finally voiced by Nazi.
Where's Kevin? Did he take the day off?
...Actually, he took the whole week off for vacation.
In an incredulous, stunned shriek loud enough to scare away her one customer: A We-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ek?!?

It appears our store manager is A) easily overwhelmed, and B) unable to grasp the concept of vacation time.

More nonsense from the Shawna Files

Here's another wonderful offering from our village idiot, Shawna. You've seen her before on this blog in August of 2005 ("NJ is a lot closer to Philadelphia than PA is") and 8/22 of this year. ("Major in computers. Mathematics will be obsolete in 10 years anyway.")
Once, my buddy Pat and some others were talking about time in the break room of our telecommunications office. The question was brought up, "What kind of system did people use to mark years before 'AD'?" Shawna had walked into the room, and, as always, she had an (incorrect) insight into anything and everything.
"Same as now," she quipped. "They just counted backwards."

From what? Tell me, Shawna. How on earth did Hammurabi (king of ancient Babylon) know that Jesus was going to be born in another 1800 years? Hmm...

Going nowhere fast

My wife just got a note from a member of her high school class. Seems the class of 1987 (Oops! Carbon-dating in progress...) wants to do something completely and utterly unique for a 20-year reunion in 2007. Now, you must understand that this was a rural high school and many members of this school are quite... backwards, shall we say, in their thinking. I can't imagine somebody actually thinks this is a good idea, and that 75 people-- the size of that year's class-- are able to do this time-wise and/or financially.
Here's excerpts of the letter: (bold letters added for blogging emphasis.)
As you all know planning any kind of event for a group of people is a lot of work. With only 9 months to go its time to start the planning process...
20 YEARS LATER... (Our school's) class of '87 aboard NCL's Norwegian Spirit October 6-7, 2007. Cruise with your classmates for an unforgettable 1-night voyage to nowhere from NYC!!!
...Inside cabin: $159, Oceanview cabin: $179, Balcony cabin: $229.
...Rates do not include taxes and... fees of $59.04 per person...
Final payment is due on 7/23/07. We only have a limited number of cabins on hold. Visit www.ncl.com to check out the ship and it's many amenities.

OK, hold on just a momentary moment.
First, a voyage to nowhere?? Well, if you're not going anywhere, why should you pay an extra $20 for an ocean-view cabin, especially when you'll never see the ocean? Why on earth would I just want to float around in the harbor?
Second, the costs listed above include room cost ONLY. You are responsible for paying for your transportation to NY, food and drinks. Who has the money to do this in today's economy? And even if you are financially blessed, do you really want to spend that money on a "voyage" to nowhere with a bunch of people you haven't seen in years?
Lastly, let's just say for the sake of argument that everybody in the class wants to go and commits. That requires 75 cabins. Last time I checked, cruise ships have a LOT more than 75 rooms. What kind of freaky groups are you sharing this boat with? Could you imagine walking into a ballroom, thinking it's your old chums, and you walk into an Amway convention? Or a seance? Or the class of '67 from Podunk High School in Backwoods, NV?

To the class member who sent this: you may be cruising to nowhere, but this letter/flier DOES have a destination-- my circular file.

The "X-pirt" ways in

Today's ex-TREMELY tragic tale comes from where else? Hollywood!
New best gal pals Paris "Still a tramp after all these years" Hilton and Britney "If I only had a brain" Spears are clubbin'! Ain't that just ducky!? What just blows my (by contrast) functional mind is the comments emanating from the mouth of Little Miss Simple Life. Thanks to TMZ.com for poisoning our intellect with these audible clouds of purple haze.
Paris Hilton has taken to MySpace to come out in support of what she calls Brit's "partying ethics." "For people to call out her parenting skills on behalf of her partying ethics is appalling," says Paris (according to MSNBC). "She goes home every night to her babies and partying has not come in the way of her parenting."
No, not in the least! I mean, there's no way all that boozing could have stood in the way of her judgment. After all, most wonderful mothers drive a car with their child in their lap, right? And anybody could have dropped her infant son on his head in the kitchen, I suppose!
I'm relieved to know Paris is such a great mom. All her expertise will go a long way helping out Brit!
...Wait a sec. What in the name of Roger Clinton is "partying ethics?" You mean there's unethical partying???

This whole thing reeks of a lack of common sense and a long-overdue trip to the Betty Ford clinic.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!

My apologies to you, faithful readers, for my less-frequent postings as of late. The stupidity well was starting to run dry, and then, for some odd twist of cosmic fate, the past 2 days have seen torrents proportionate to Noah's flood streaming down! The well is overflowing now... We begin with a great E-mail sent to me by localmusician which addresses a lot of oddities I've noticed in the past, with many irregularities I wish I never knew about. Well, you'll see what I mean at the end of the letter...

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts" (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts--"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: say what?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish Chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Well, at least we didn't segue from the Chainsaw to the Sainsbury's peanuts! For the first time in my life, I'm ashamed to admit I'm of Swedish descent. Thanks again to localmusician for this.

Closed captioning for the living impaired

Last Friday I went into a local bank to make a withdraw. For some strange reason, the institution has a large plasma TV mounted on the wall above the tellers-- apparently to give you something to do while you wait in line. However, there is no sound, so the Closed Captioning is flashed across the screen. As you may know, the CC rarely matches the actual speech used. It also is often grammatically incorrect.
As I watched, an advert for Aleve pain relief came on. A gal from Jamaica, NY was talking about how difficult arthritis can make her work of volunteering to take meals to the less-fortunate.
"I love taking food to the shut-ins, but I had arthritis in my fingers, in my elbows, in my ees... (I guess that's supposed to be "knees.") I took away my life. Then my friend told me about Aleve..."

Wow. Talk about a miracle recovery from suicide! You take your life away, but you CAN be revived with Aleve!

Marion County School Borg

Today's post comes courtesy of the Home School Legal Defense Association's website.

‘Your Home Education Program is Terminated’

How would you feel if you received an official letter from public school authorities declaring your homeschool “terminated?”
Well recently, about 400 homeschoolers in the Marion County (FL) Public Schools district received a letter that said just that!
Each of these homeschoolers were told that their “Home Education Program is terminated due to your failure to comply with Florida statute 1002.41. You must enroll your child in a public, private, or parochial school within 10 days upon receipt of this letter.”
The statute that Marion County referred to requires that an annual evaluation be filed with the local school district. Many people who had received this letter terminating their home education program had actually already sent their evaluation in! These homeschoolers had done nothing wrong, but they were told that their home education program was terminated-with no warning. They did not receive notice that their evaluation was missing or any hint that there was a problem.
What is even more absurd about the school district officials’ actions is that the law gives them no authority to simply “terminate” a homeschool! Under Florida statutes section 1002.41(2), the superintendent, at the most, can give a family a “one year probationary period.”
Many Home School Legal Defense Association members from Marion County called in after receiving this frightening letter. HSLDA staff worked with each member, and contacted the school district on their behalf. By writing letters and sending in the mail receipts from the previously certified evaluation, we were able to show that Marion County had already received the assessments and that each homeschooler was completely complying with Florida law. The missing assessments were the mistake of the school, not the families.

So let me get this straight. YOU lose important documents, and attempt to penalize innocent and law-abiding families for it?
Wow. Last time I checked, this was still America, not the Gamma Quadrant. The whole "Resistance is futile" approach taken by the Marion County schools goes WAAAAY over the line, and earns them future consideration as Ignernt Foo' STUPIE nominees.

Cheque this out!

Today I made a delivery to a convenience store operated by an extremely eccentric gal, whom I've had dealings with many times before. (She kind of looks--and acts--like Kennedy from MTV...) This was a C.O.D. stop, meaning I needed to be paid for the beverages. Kennedy Jr. said, "I don't have enough cash in my drawer, so I'm going to print out a money order for you."
"That's fine," I replied.
In a few moments, I was presented with a money order with the dollar amount inked on it, sans payee information and--most importantly-- signature.
"This needs to be signed," I stated, handing the MO back to her.
She looked at me with a confused glare. "Usually, whoever it's made out to signs it," she offered.
Right. So you're saying I'm paying myself?
"No, I'm sorry," I politely affirmed. "The payer is the signature required. Also, it's not made out to anyone."
VJ-wanna-be droned, "Well, you can fill that in."
"OK, I guess," I pointed out, "but it still needs your signature."
She just didn't get it. "But why? It's your cheque."
I held my ground. "I'm required to get a signature on all cheques and money orders."
She resigned, "I'm not real comfortable doing this," grabbing the MO. "I never signed one of these before..."

...Huh?? You've worked here for at least the last 6 months, and you claim to not know how to do a pay-out? No wonder this store's doing so well financially.

2nd today: World-wide stupidity

The web is wonderful!
PSST has indirectly made headlines in Canada on the site "Useless Advice From Useless Men." I wrote them a letter regarding my little indiscretion from 11/8 ("Oops, I did it again") and they published it, complete with, of course, useless advice.
Click on the link on the right and scroll down to QUESTION # 420: ANDROGYNOUS CONUNDRUM, dated Nov. 27, and enjoy the fun!

You want fries with that???

Today, as I unloaded beverages off my truck for a delivery, I had the great privilege of witnessing the following verbal exchange at an Arby's drive-thru order box, just a short distance from where my vehicle was parked. A scruffy, poorly-wardrobed man pulled up in his multi-colored (and multi-textured) 1985 Monte Carlo, complete with major fender rust and a partially-detatched rear bumper. The female employee called out through the talk-box, "Welcome to Arby's. May I please take your order?"
SCRUFF: Yeah, I'd like 2 regular roast beefs, small curly fries and a coke.
BOX: What size would you like?
SCRUFF: A coke, please.
BOX: OK. What size coke?

Interjection: I know sometimes it's hard to understand the muffled voice on the speaker of these talk-boxes, but I was a good 20 feet away, and could understand the gal perfectly.
SCRUFF, leaning out his window, closer to the box: I'd just like a coke, OK?
BOX, growing impatient: Yes, I know that. But what.. size.. drink.. do you want?
SCRUFF, leaning even further out, yelling: OK, fine! A Pepsi, then!!!

Interjection: Arby's carries the Pepsi line of beverages, but assumably, "coke" meant Pepsi to the gal, who was just trying to determine how thirsty (and deaf) this guy was.
BOX, deliberately, but professionally: All I want to know is what size drink you want!
SCRUFF, flipping off the menu board: Oh, just forget it, then!!!
...And drove off...

Maybe he'll have better luck at the Burger King across the street... I think they carry Coke!

Ebonic Jesus

This little piece probably appears on "News of the Weird" as well-- especially since Chuck Shepherd reported this himself-- but I couldn't pass up on the latest version of "Marketing of Jesus."
New York City Episcopal priest Timothy Holder ("Poppa T"), whose HipHopEMass and "Hip Hop Prayer Book" have turned south Bronx youth into parishioners over the last two years, issued a music CD in November featuring Bible stories in street language. For example, the 23rd Psalm: "The Lord is all that/ I need for nuthin'/ He 'lows me ta chill."

Great. Jess whats weez all be needin', sho...

You're on the air(head)!

Today in the car, I flipped on the radio, just as the local station was announcing the winner of some call-in contest. Usually, the DJ records the call from the lucky contestant and then plays it over the airwaves at the completion of a song. The on-air exchange went as follows:
DJ: "Hello, Magic 93. Who's this?"
Caller (hesitantly): "...This is Lois... Did I get through?"

Well, you're talking to the DJ, aren't you???

If I were me

Today's PSST notoriety belongs to Michael Richards, aka "Kramer" from Seinfeld, who launched into a tirade full of N-bombs and other assorted obscenities, which was directed at a couple of hecklers interrupting his stand-up act Nov. 17. (To his credit, Mr. Richards has since apologized on national TV and is considering anger management assistance.)
Kenny Kramer, the personified inspiration for the character depicted on Seinfeld, has been deflecting accusations that Michael's rant proves he (Kramer) is racist, or that he thinks Richards himself is racist, ever since the unfortunate event took place. More on the man behind the man can be found at www.kennykramer.com.
In an interview with the AP, Kramer (the real one) shows that he has maintained a proper perspective on his indirect fame, and offered the following bits of logic and wit.
...[Kramer] issued a statement drawing the distinction: "I know the public is smart enough to realize that Michael Richards' personal actions in no way reflect on the character he portrayed on television or me, Kenny Kramer, the real person that the character was based on."
Kramer managed to find a silver lining in the confusion.
"You know what the good news is?" he asked. "Judith Regan is now on a plane to California, trying to sign Michael Richards to a book deal: `If I Were a Racist, Here's What I Would Have Said.'" (A cute take-off of OJ's failed book.)

Roker's a turkey

The yearly NBC production of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade wouldn't be complete without Al Roker embarrassing himself on national TV.
Doing a little feature on the network's hit show "Heroes" (Which I HIGHLY recommend, BTW) with some of the cast members, Roker tried to connect with the show's fans; and failed miserably, when once again, he showed he didn't do his homework beforehand. Trying to quote the show's catch-phrase, Roker blurted, "Save the world, save the cheerleader!!" ...And, to my delight, had his dyslexia corrected in unison by the cast members...

Way to go, Al! Thanks for maintaining yet another Thanksgiving tradition!

People Conceive Stupid Ideas!

Saw the following article in the Electric City (Scranton, PA) weekly written by Mike Ashworth and wanted to give him today's space, because he so perfectly captured the essence of Incredulous.... Enjoy... "

Under the Covers" by Mike Ashworth
"Little T Can Suck It"
'Little T Learns to Share' by Terrell Owens with Courtney Parker, illustrations by Todd Harris

This week I've discovered one of the most unbelievable and astounding books I've ever seen. Somehow it had slipped quietly into the children's section of my store undetected until a well-informed customer requested it.
I was instantly held mesmerized when out of the stacks came a small hardcover picture book. A small group of employees gathered around wide-eyed, wondering if it could be for real. It WAS!
This modern classic is called Little T Learns to Share (BenBella Books, Inc. $14.95), and it's by Terrell Owens "with Courtney Parker" and features illustrations by Todd Harris.
Arguably the greediest, most self-centered, egotistical, attention-seeking, poor-sport, bad-mouthing, disruptive, back-stabbing, emotionally troubled, prima-donna player in all of the NFL has co-authored a kids' book on values!
...If you want audacity, here it is! The vanity! The temerity! (I could probably go on with at least another half dozen more 50-cent words here. For your sake, I will just continue on with my rant.)
I mean, this is like How to Be a Good Neighbor by Charlie Manson, Dining with Dahmer by Jeffrey Dahmer, or ex-Congressman Mark Foley's My New Career as a Scoutmaster. Who in their right mind thought, "Yes, well, he's a big name in professional athletics, of course he'll make a great role model; I'll definitely publish his books"? It is not surprising that it is not carried by a large publisher.
After recovering a little from the initial shock, I just couldn't keep myself from opening it up. What was the first thing to greet my eyes? "To my children, may my life serve as an example to you..."
WHAT?! ...Even most of his fans admit, "Yeah, he's an [arrogant butthead], but is an amazingly gifted athlete." What kind of example is this?
This is truly mind-boggling. Yet, even after this I valiantly pushed on. I was also surprised to see that T.O. may actually have had something to do with the writing of the book.
After reading, "I don't think so, Sam - I'm sorry, Tim -I'mma have to turn ya'll down," it is clear that a great pedagogical mind and literary genius was at work here.
If you are curious, the writing doesn't get much better, and even the illustrations are mediocre at best. There's more good news, too. The cover sports a bright red star advertising "First in the T.O.'s Timeouts Series."
Here's my recommended titles for the further books in the T.O.'s Timeouts Series that would also address other topics T.O. knows nothing about:Little T Becomes a Team Player, Little T Holds His Tongue, Little T Shares the Spotlight, Little T Admits He's Wrong, Little T Takes One for the Team, and Little T Minds His Medication.
Personally, I think Little T should shut up and go the hell away, because it will be a cold day there before I read anything written by him to my children! However, I'm certain this will be an instant bestseller in a few certain markets like, oh, Philadelphia and San Francisco.

Bravo, Mike! Bravo!!!

Surly you jest

Often times while driving from point-to-point on our deliveries, Pat and I will converse via Direct-Connect on our phones. This morning, I arrived at a local convenience store, loaded up my hand-truck and was wheeling it into the building. Pat was concluding a thought on the DC as I entered. The clerk looked at me like I had just passed gas in a closet after eating a million hot dogs. "It's awfully ignorant of you to be talking on the phone when you come in here!" she screamed. (Literally.) "Why can't you finish your conversation outside?!"
"And a happy Monday to you, too," I thought. "What's the problem? We're not checking in the order yet, and he's talking to me," I noted.
"That's just rude," she snipped. "Where's your sense of etiquette?!"
Obviously, I had inadvertently hit a sore spot with this gal, so I just resigned, "Fine!"
The shift manager then followed me into the back room (as I was taking the goods there and boomed, "You have no business using a phone while you're in here!" (To this moment, I still don't know why this was such a federal issue.)
Anyway, I motioned for him to cool his jets, and pushed the talk button to sign off with Pat. "I'm gonna have to go. I'm---"
"WORKING instead of gabbing!" the manager loudly interrupted, leaning over my shoulder into the mic.

Oh, sorry. My bad. That wasn't at all ignorant.
So, I guess it's fully acceptable to be unprofessional and surly, but God forbid you should use a phone in a public place!!!

Oxygen alternative

The bug bit Pat, too!!! (If I can own up to mis-identifying someone's gender, I can bust on my friend/work associate, too!)
Long story short, while making deliveries today, Pat got pulled over by Department of Transportation officials. He was cited for a couple of code violations on his truck, including a tire severely under-pressured. Seems he had run over a nail on the road earlier in the morning. He had to wait where he was until a mechanic came to replace the tire and repair the other problems.
When the repairman came with the tire, it too was a bit low on air pressure. Pat called the boss, "Bobby," to let him know. Bobby told Pat to fill it up with air. Meaning to ask if he could go to any air pump, the Freudian slip which escaped Pat's lips was, "Do I fill that up with regular air?"

As Bobby teased, "I know those nitrogen-filled tires are really big now, but..."

It's the media's fault!

I got a huge laugh when I heard the feedback from a news story run on WNEP-16 Wednesday evening. The transcript follows. It's important to remember that when this aired on TV, graphic images were shown of the dead deer mentioned in the tale...
Two Attacked by Deer
Wednesday, November 15, UDPATED: 5:48 p.m.By Norm Jones
A deer attacked a couple in Clinton County Wednesday morning and put them in the hospital. Troopers said the buck walked up to the back door of the house on Fishing Creek Road near Lamar. When the homeowners tried to shoo it away, the buck attacked both of them.
State police got the frantic phone call around 8 a.m. A large, six-point buck was attacking Frank Rishel right in his backyard. Troopers said when they showed up they heard screaming coming from the house and what they saw completely shocked them. The deer was attacking Linda Yost and her boyfriend, Rishel, lay motionless on the ground. State police said one trooper grabbed its antlers with one hand and shot it with the other. Another trooper then opened fire, killing the deer.
Officials said the buck had walked right up to the house and attacked when Rishel tried to scare it off. Donna and Terry Jierles live nearby and walk there often. The couple brought a hefty piece of wood on their morning walk after hearing of the attack.
"There's just one thing on their (deer) mind. They're just insane. There's just no, no predicting them. Normally you could chase a deer away. When they're in rut, they do their own thing," Terry Jierles said.
The Pennsylvania Game Commission agrees. Biologist Tony Ross said when a buck is in the rut all bets are off. "Anybody that tries to get in the way of that, that deer is going to try and go through them," Ross said.

After viewing the gruesome footage, one watcher expressed his opinion on WNEP-16's "Talkback."
Was that really necessary? Is that news? A shot-full-of-holes deer, bulging eyes, pools of blood. Let me tell you what happened in my house! My 13 year old son told my 3 year old daughter there won't be Christmas because the police shot Rudolph! Nice job WNEP.

Ah, yes. The Newsstation has permanently spoiled your holiday, just like the family who had their pumpkins stolen off their porch right before Halloween.

Merry Stinking Christmas.

P.C. Earns "Supplemental STUPIE"

We interrupt this blog to present a special STUPIE in a new, separate category. Borrowing a phrase from ESPN's "Mike and Mike In the Morning" show, this award is called the "Just Shut UP! STUPIE..."
The STUPIE goes most boldly and unabashedly to the US Department of Agriculture's Mark Nord for his "justification" behind eliminating the word "hunger" to categorize those who don't have enough to eat. Yeah, that solves the problem!!!
The following excerpts are taken from the Washington Post...
U.S. agency changes "hunger" to "very low food security"
By Elizabeth Williamson
WASHINGTON -- The U.S. government has vowed that Americans will never be hungry again. But they may experience "very low food security."
Every year, the Agriculture Department issues a report that measures Americans' access to food, and it has consistently used the word "hunger" in connection with those who can least afford to put food on the table. But not this year.
Mark Nord, the lead author of the report, said "hunger" is "not a scientifically accurate term for the specific phenomenon being measured in the food security survey." Nord, an Agriculture Department sociologist, said, "We don't have a measure of that condition."
The department said that 12 percent of Americans — 35 million people — could not put food on the table at least part of last year. Eleven million of them reported going hungry at times. Beginning this year, the Agriculture Department has determined "very low food security" to be a more scientifically palatable description for that group. The United States has set a goal of reducing the proportion of food-insecure households to 6 percent or less by 2010, or half the 1995 level, but it has proved difficult. The number of hungry Americans has risen over the past five years, and last year, the share of food-insecure households stood at 11 percent.
Less vexing has been the effort to fix the way hunger is described. Three years ago, the department asked the Committee on National Statistics of the National Academies "to ensure that the measurement methods USDA uses to assess households' access — or lack of access — to adequate food and the language used to describe those conditions are conceptually and operationally sound."
The panel suggested that the Agriculture Department scrap the word "hunger," which "should refer to a potential consequence of food insecurity that, because of prolonged, involuntary lack of food, results in discomfort, illness, weakness, or pain that goes beyond the usual uneasy sensation."
To measure hunger, the department determined, the government would have to ask individual people whether "lack of eating led to these more severe conditions," as opposed to asking who can afford to keep food in the house, Nord said.
It is not likely that Agriculture Department economists will tackle measuring individual hunger. "Hunger is clearly an important issue," Nord said. "But lacking a widespread consensus on what the word 'hunger' should refer to, it's difficult for research to shed meaningful light on it."
Anti-hunger advocates say the new words sugarcoat a national shame. "The proposal to remove the word 'hunger' from our official reports is a huge disservice to the millions of Americans who struggle daily to feed themselves and their families," said David Beckmann, president of Bread for the World, an anti-hunger advocacy group.
"We ... cannot hide the reality of hunger among our citizens."
So, Mr. Nord, you think you can just ignore the fact that millions of people in the richest nation on earth don't have enough to eat, and that hundreds are dying due to malnourishment each year? What do you possibly know about hunger? You're pulling in a 6-figure income every year. Try getting down on the level of the less fortunate who have to scrap each day for every little bit of food, clothing and finances they can get, just to survive until tomorrow?
The term "Low-food security" is repulsive at best and callously criminal at worst. Though you're not elected by the public, your boss (the Prez) is. Maybe a different boss will see things more realistically than you, providing you with " Very low job security."

In the spirit of Mike and Mike, Mr. Nord, JUST SHUT UP! Enjoy your freaking STUPIE.

Kick 'em while they're down

By now, most have heard the sordid story of Rev. Ted Haggard, former leader of the National Association of Evangelicals, and his fall from grace as he got caught up in a drug-use/gay-fling scandal, despite being a harsh opponent (from the pulpit) to homosexuality. To quote Paul Harvey, perhaps you don't yet know The Rest of the Story...
Seems Mr. Haggard sought to right the wrongs by submitting to a group of his friends and constituents, making himself fully accountable to them. Counseling, prayer and encouragement was to be the MO for this group, which included Christian psychologist, Dr. James Dobson. A little over one year ago, I heard Dr. Dobson call Rev. Haggard "one of his closest friends" on his nationally syndicated radio program, Focus On the Family. Then, the other shoe dropped...
Nov 7, 2006 (AP)— Citing a lack of time, Focus on the Family founder James Dobson withdrew Tuesday from the team overseeing counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard, the evangelical pastor who was fired amid allegations of gay sex and drug use.
"Emotionally and spiritually, I wanted to be of help but the reality is I don't have the time to devote to such a critical responsibility," Dobson said.
That's nice. It's comforting to know that such a public figure in the world of Christianity is so dedicated to friendship...

DEFINITELY an early nominee for the Ignernt Foo' STUPIE!

The customer is always ticked.

I went into a local convenience store today with a delivery. As I brought in the first stack of goods, the manager asked to see the invoice. Several items were out of stock; hence, they were not being delivered. Obviously upset, she grabbed the phone and called my company to complain-- not about me, but about the fact that she needed a lot of product that we weren't able to provide. I listened with vested interest, because frankly, this particular salesman who sells to this store is a waste of vital space on this planet...
The manager registered her complaint by telling the head of sales, "Well, he came in yesterday and said you guys have all this stuff... ...Yes, but I have 9 cases I'm missing today... ...Yes, I've let him know I wasn't happy with his service... ...What he told me was, 'Well, I keep ordering the cases, but they aren't coming in...'"

Yeah, that's professional. Don't give the customer what they want...
Oh, BTW, each salesman carries a hand-held computer, which, among other things, provides each person with the exact amounts of product in our inventory.

...Which, apparently, Dumkopf failed to check before making his idle promises.

Sleep deprivation = new math

I overheard a lady who identified herself as a nurse talking with a store clerk on Friday...
"We worked a double (shift) yesterday, then I had to go over to the ICU to visit Jim. By the time I got home, I had to make the kids' lunches and drive them to school, and now I'm going back to work. Yesterday, I was up for 30 hours..."

While mildly funny at first, I got to thinking about this lady's day. I admire her for her strength and fortitude. And, with the often-stressful conditions of her vocation, each day may indeed feel like 30 hours.

Oops, I did it again!

Today I made a delivery to an area convenience store. I brought in all the product, and then notified the staff there that I needed someone to check me in; that is, to verify all the (correct) items were accounted for. A young clerk of very... er, general appearance, joined me for a walk back to where I had set everything. We ran through the order, and the clerk said, "OK, you're all set to go!"
"Thank you, sir," I mechanically sang...
...And the very moment I had uttered the word "Sir," I thought to myself in that split-second of time, "Uh, oh. I hope that was a 'sir'!" I turned from my work to catch a second glimpse, and when I did, I noticed the name embroidered on the clerk's work shirt, and my worst fear came true.
"Rebecca."

AAAAARRRRGGHHHHHHH!

Mmmmm... Foot... Tasty...

Those who can't lead... Utter nonsense

Today is Election Day. In PA, the race for governor pits incumbent Ed Rendell against former NFL star and political rookie Lynn Swann. Several different polls show Swann trailing substantially, but that doesn't phase the former football standout.
"I'm counting on people to get to the (polling precincts) to vote to defeat the other candidate. The polls have nothing to do with this... Polls don't matter. The only thing that matters are the voters."

...And just who do you suppose the pollsters quizzed to formulate those polls? Hmm... Maybe Swann took one bone-jarring hit too many during his previous career.
*Quote source: WNEP-16's Jon Meyer, reporting from Swann's campaign headquarters.

Win a Stupie, give an encore performance

Today I returned to the same CVS pharmacy that was manned by the uncaring clerk mentioned in our awards presentation. I found it funny that no sooner had I "recognized" her then she returned to her... Um, lack of tact. As I entered with my delivery, the clerk was cashing out a lady that she evidently knew. As the transaction was being completed, they entered into dialogue. The elderly customer lamented, "Last night, I went to the hospice to see William." Shaking her head sorrowfully, she admitted, "He did not look good at all..."
Miss Insightful loudly quipped, "Yeah, that's what they're all there for-- TO DIE!!!"

I thought the pharmacy was supposed to help me feel better!

I suppose, in this case, CVS stands for "Crass, Vulgar and Sarcastic."

The Stupies IV

Thanks for joining us as we recap the best of the worst, via the fourth presentation of the STUPIES! Like we did 100 posts ago, we shall be awarding 3 distinct trophies of distinction to those who have displayed an exorbitant amount of stupidity.
First, the Ignernt Foo' STUPIE, honoring the memory of pop-star Michael Jackson, ("They're just a bunch of ignernt foo's...") is given to an individual who utters the most arrogant and heartless, uh, utterance. Though we had 3 nominees, including the "Man of peace" from 9/28 and the mobile home evictor from 7/27, the winner, hands down, was the pharmacy clerk from 9/15!
Today I went into a local CVS pharmacy, a large, franchised chain of stores. My business (soda delivery) brought me there, but it was an elderly customer which caught my eye and held my attention. She was continually pacing the aisles, looking confused. Finally, she approached the store clerk, and asked, "Excuse me, but where can I find ACE bandages?" Without batting an eye, the clerk shot, "In a hospital?!" ...and walked away...

Next, we present the Cloud of Idiot Gas STUPIE, honoring fellow blogger "Sierra" and the former blog site of the same name. The C.I.G. tags the figure within the public eye who suffers the most acute form of hoofus mouthus. Nominees included Sen. John Kerry ("Education") and Lindsey Wagner ("Getting a good night's sleep"). However, the STUPIE goes to the over-sexed and under-intelligent Brittany Spears!
Spears has offered some very not-so-profound insights into her pregnancy, motherhood and "getting her body back" in a recent People magazine interview. At eight months pregnant --she says she's due "in a month"-- the 24-year-old singer is about to become a mom for the second time in one year. And no, this pregnancy wasn't planned. "It just kind of happened," says Spears, who insists she and husband Kevin Federline, 28, don't know the baby's gender. ( Ah, yes, the Sperminator strikes again!!! "Just kind of happened?" You mean, like the other countless kiddies Kevin's contributed to the world?) With her upbeat outlook-- childbirth "will be a piece of cake," she says cheerfully of her scheduled C-section, the same as her first-- this is a more relaxed, less visibly stressed Brittney than the one who broke down in tears during a June interview with Matt Lauer. Of the media scrutiny following that appearance, she says, "They've said some hurtful things, but you just try to ignore it and keep moving on."(That's right, keep moving on by ignoring parenting skills and continually placing your career ahead of your family, dragging around your tired tikes like a wooden duck on a pull-string!) Now in the home stretch, she is relying on support from her husband (Pshaw! Good luck with that!)

Finally, we have come to the Incredulous Choice STUPIE, granted to the person of my own choice who best exemplifies a complete departure from the world of common sense and coherence. Betting her age is higher than her SAT score, the winner is the gal in the sandwich shop!
As I made a delivery to a small hoagie shop, I took notice of the owner, who was behind the counter, looking exasperated. Meanwhile, a middle-aged woman longingly studied the menu board. I got the idea that these two had been in the same position for quite some time. After a long pregnant pause, accompanied by much eye-rolling of the shopkeeper, the woman hemmed and hawed a bit, then vacantly quizzed, "OK, 'ham and cheese.' Now, what do you mean by that? I mean, what is it made up of?"

And so we come to the end of another STUPIES low-light reel. Keep on coming back for more regular fits of the insane and inane, and join us again in another 100 posts for the quinticentennial edition of the STUPIES!

And lastly, before the STUPIES...

Two words: John Kerry.
Editor's note: I do not agree with most of President Bush's policies, specifically his stubborn stance on the war in Iraq, but I certainly don't advocate saying ridiculously retarded things about it.
John Kerry, in a speech to students in California Monday: "You know, education, if you make the most of it, if you study hard and you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, uh, you, you can do well. If you don't you get stuck in Iraq."
Yes, the not-so-obvious intent of Mr. Kerry is to criticize the Bush administration. Instead, he inadvertently insulted the US Armed Forces.

John, I would hope that with your educational background, you would make a better effort to be smart, because, uh, you, you aren't doing too well right now.

Mistaken ID-a

Pat told me a great story about a relative today...
Seems his cousin "Amelia" isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. First, Pat brought his kids to Amelia's for trick-or-treating last night. Pat waited in the car while his kids went inside to get their booty. His daughter came out with an odd look on her face. She had received a pair of black tights, which was fine, because she's a dancer, but that was accompanied by the universal treat... Ramen noodles?
Why the stinking heck would anyone give a kid Ramen noodles???
Anyhoo, Amelia had just gotten married 3 months ago, but already is separated. Why the sudden change? Turns out marriage wasn't all it was cracked up to be; namely, that she was (still) in debt. She told the family, "I'm getting married because all my debt listed under my maiden name will be forgiven."

Right. Because the IRS will no longer have the clue who you are.

The Pride Is Wrong

A well-overdue moment will occur this coming June: Bob Barker, host of the ridiculously worn-out and one-dimensional game show "The Price Is Right" is setting down the mic after 35 years in favor of retirement. But before that happens, Bob took some time to flatter himself well beyond the point of being incorrigible with AOL News. Here are some excerpts of the interview.
...Hosting the daily CBS program - in which contestants chosen from the crowd "come on down" to compete for "showcases" that include trips, appliances and new cars - is "demanding physically and mentally," he said.
Yeah, it takes a lot of concentration to say,"You win!" or "Awwwww. I'm sorry," and to yank that microphone cord all over the stage.
To kick off his retirement, Barker said he will "sit down for maybe a couple of weeks and find out what it feels like to be bored." Oh, poor baby! I know a lot of retired people, and I can't categorize any of them as "bored."
He said he'd take on a movie role if the right one came along, but filmmakers, take note: "I refuse to do nude scenes. These Hollywood producers want to capitalize on my obvious sexuality, but I don't want to be just another beautiful body."
OK, I know he's saying this tongue-in-cheek... Then again, maybe he's not! After all, remember the scandal involving Janice Pennington a few short years ago? Yuck. I'd rather look at "Borat" wearing that neon-green bikini-thong than watch Bob buck nekkid!

All this is further proof that Bob's head is larger than life, and that he should be neutered (like a pet) before he becomes the next Tony Randall.

This ain't no multiple choice, pal!

I made a delivery to a small mom-and-pop store at about 9:45 this morning. This quaint little business offers a deli, small grocery, a check-cashing service and the ability to pay bills. These are done through electronic cashing, so some utilities are time-sensitive.
As I was bringing in my product, a small man entered, and told the shopkeeper, Peter, "I'd like to pay some bills, please."
Peter asked, "What have you got?"
The man responded, "Gas, water, and electric."
Peter informed the man, "I can process the gas now, but not the water and electric." The man hesitated, "What?" so Peter reiterated, adding, "I can't handle water and electric until after 11:00. But I can still do the gas."
The man replied, "Thanks, but let's just do the electric now."
Hellooooooooooo!? Let's try this again, shall we?

I'd suggest Peter ought to be nominated for sainthood for dealing with folks like these, but that name's taken already.

Politics and domestics, Sooner style

The following clip is quoted verbatim from "News Quirks," a collection of strange news stories compiled by Roland Sweet...
PICTURE THIS
The police chief, mayor, and a city councilman in Snyder, Oklahoma, resigned after the chief's 300-pound, tattooed wife posted nude photos of herself on a web site. Some of the pictures showed her with an American flag draped off her shoulder. Dozens of residents of the town of 1500 had demanded Police Chief Tod Ozmun's resignation, and the district attorney recommended an obscenity investigation, but the City Council decided that the pictures were protected by the First Amendment. Ozmun, Mayor Dale Moore and Councilman Clifford Barnard quit because they were fed up with the public attention and criticism of the chief.
The police chief defended his 43-year-old wife, Doris, saying, "People in this country do what she does on a daily basis." He added that he had long discussions with her about the photos but noted, "My wife is 6'3" and weighs 300 pounds. If there is somebody that thinks they can control her, have at it. I have tried for 11 yeas and haven't been able to."
Mmmmm-yeahhhh. There's a happy family. The man admits he tried to "control" his wife, and she looks for attention on the internet because apparently she's not getting it at home.

Guess we all know who wears the pants in that household.
Oh, no, wait. She doesn't.

Wow. Tough crowd!

A local eatery (if you can call it that, because this place should be shut down by the health department! ...But I digress...) called "The Chicken Coop" features local bands and other assorted talent on selected nights, with one of those big letter-boards outside announcing their upcoming schedule. Seems like the Coop wasn't satisfied with just being a venue, so they took up critiquing as well. ...I guess... The sign this past week read as follows:
THURS: "X-Country"
FRI: "Shoot the Moon" DUD
Ouch!!!

Nothing like back-stabbing those who bring people through your doors,eh? After all, if the customers have any sense of taste, they're definitely not there for the food! Methinks the members of Shoot the Moon might soon be looking for another gig to jam at.
INTERJECTION, dated 10/29: I learned from Shoot the Moon's website that every week they have a DUO at the Coop. (With whom, though?) So evidently, the Coop ran out of O's and figured the D looked close enough... The sign DEFINITELY reads "DUD!"

Stay tuned, folks! It's almost time for the re-emergence of the STUPIES, awarded for the most arrogant statement (Ignernt foo), worst gaffe by a public figure (Cloud of Idiot Gas), and general "Incredulous Choice" phrase from the past 100 postings on PSST.

Jerk-o-lantern

Simply file this under "Pathetic." The story comes courtesy of Pressconnects.com, the online paper from Binghamton, NY.
'Grinch' steals boy's HalloweenTheft of homegrown gourds riles father

By John HillPress & Sun-Bulletin
ENDICOTT -- When the pumpkins in front of his Endicott house were stolen two years ago, Kyle Konecny thought about putting a sign in front of his house to let people know he was mad. When it happened again Sunday, the sign went up.
"I wanted the people who did it to know that I was ticked," Konecny said.
The sign -- which reads, "To whoever stole my kid's pumpkins! Thanks for ruining his Halloween you jerk! He grew them himself!" -- was placed in front of the Konecny house Monday.
"I might have worded (the sign) differently," mother Eileen said. "But maybe that's a guy thing." Eight pumpkins were stolen from the front of the house; several pumpkins on the back porch were untouched. Neighbors this week saw the remains of a few smashed pumpkins at the end of the street, Eileen Konecny said.
Because the family had more pumpkins than usual this year, 10-year-old Dylan had been moving them around in front, trying to find a good place for them all. When he got home from hockey on Sunday, his mother told him the pumpkins had been stolen again.
"I felt ... mad," Dylan said. "Thanks for ruining my Halloween."
Pumpkins hold a special place in the Konecny house. Every year, father and son grow their own at Dylan's grandmother's horse farm. Kyle Konecny's birthday is on Halloween, and the family loves pumpkin seeds. The Konecny family has thought about keeping their pumpkins inside next year until just before Halloween, but Kyle Konecny doesn't like the idea.
"That's what drives me crazy; I want to put them out front," the father said. "You want to trust people."
Now, hold your gourd just a minute here. You're seriously going to let a few smashed squash ruin your day? I understand you grew the pumpkins yourself; but aren't there a bunch of them left on your back porch? What's wrong with them? Are they incapable of lifting your Halloween spirits? You know, I don't think painting a big "You're a jerk" sign is going to help the matter any, either In fact, you may want to bring in those pumpkins off the back now, seeing as how they're probably next on the vandals' list. The greatest shame is teaching your son that "Life sucks" demeanor, holding him prisoner to some smashed veggie matter.

It just goes to show you that the pumpkin doesn't fall far from the tree. ...Er, I mean, vine.

Befuddling bungling bandits

The following story was reported on WNEP-16 by anchor Marisa Burke tonight...
A would-be robbery attempt was apparently foiled in Monroe County today. Seems as though a man drove up to the drive-through at the McDonald's in Stroud Township (Stroudsburg) and placed an order. Then when he drove up to the window, the man showed a rolled-up newspaper and demanded cash. The attendant thought it was a joke and responded, "Maybe later." He closed the window, and the car drove off.

Too funny! Since when is a rolled-up paper a viable weapon, unless you're a bad puppy?
Maybe more people will follow this burger-flipper's example. Here's hoping, anyway.

Taking a product MUCH too seriously

Thanks to sublime from "The Big Question" (See the link on the right side of this page) for the inspiration...
Sublime asked, "What do you think is the strangest or most useless invention?" Instantly, a holiday season advert popped into my head...
"Ch-ch-ch-Chia! The pottery that grows! Makes a great gift!"
...NOT!
Have you ever been given a Chia head/pet? Do you recall what went through your mind?
#1: "What in the name of Blue Blockers am I supposed to do with this thing??"
#2: "What the heck? Why, that cheap little S.O.B!"
#3: "Oh, yeah. That reminds me. I have to take out the garbage tomorrow."

The ad should really say, "The gift to give when you want to let someone know you totally hate their guts!"

Looking for an early retirement?

My cohort Pat witnessed a "How Not To Keep Your Job" moment today...
Pat was behind on his delivery schedule today, so he called the boss, "Bobby," to ask him to call a couple of stores, notifying them Pat was running late and needed an extension on the receiving time. That task completed, Pat reluctantly headed to a particular area grocery store. I say reluctantly, because the store's receiver, Carmen, (I'm using his real name, since he is such a class-- minus "cl"-- act. Nobody likes Carmen, because he always does anything possible to make things extremely difficult for anyone who enters his domain.)
Now, normally, receiving hours end at 1:00, but since a time extension had been approved, Pat pulled in at 1:30, knowing his delivery would be received. So did the bread vendor. Carmen staggered out onto the dock, and started yelling incoherently. "Blah-bluh-di-ahm-blurm-argh-fmph 1:30!!!!"
The bread guy coolly replied, "I called and got permission to arrive late."
Pat concurred, "So did I!"
Carmen then started ripping Pat and Bread up one side and down the other, as if they had committed a great crime against society. Bread did not have a thick skin, and was mortified at how he was being treated, so he said, "That's it. I'm getting the manager."
Moments later, the leader and vendor returned. This time, Carmen aimed his venom at his superior, leaning into a tirade of obscenities. When the manager steadfastly held his ground that he had approved these late deliveries, Carmen pushed Pat into the receiving desk, grabbed his coat, and left. CLASSIC!

Now, I'm no genius, but somehow, I don't think being so unprofessional to vendors, cussing out your boss in public and leaving without notice is the best way to keep your job!

Contradiction and peasant blouses

So here we go again with yet another offering from the Christian sub-culture. (Which, BTW, is big business!)
My wife got a catalogue in the mail from a religious/educational company established by the Hopkins family today. The things people think it would be great to teach their kids! No wonder so many of them are completely confused by the time they're "ready" to face the world on their own. There's no way to paraphrase this effectively, so I'll just type the write-up on this book verbatim.
"Secret Keeper: The Delicate Power of Modesty." Young women want to dress in style, but with that desire comes a huge responsibility to use femininity to bring glory to God. Written in a hip, big-sister style, this very straight-forward Christian book gives much-needed insight into what guys actually think when confronted with immodesty. Understand the intriguing, alluring power source that God has entrusted to every young woman for the holy purpose of creating a family someday. Take the "Truth or Bare" fashion test to see if your clothes are truly modest. My teenage daughters wish every girl could read this eye-opening book. Paperback, 78 pages, for age 12 and up.
Let's scrutinize this a bit, shall we?? (since it's so easy to do so!)
First, for ages 12 and up? Sorry Mrs. Hopkins, but if you're waiting until your girl is 12 to teach them about modesty, chances are you've already lost the war.
Second, point well taken-- don't let your daughter dress like a prostitute-- but if that's your message, shouldn't you avoid an allegory like "Truth or Bare?" Is this test one of common sense? Somehow, I bet not.
Finally, you're telling girls to be modest, but then, in your own words, you turn around and suggest they "use femininity to bring glory to God" and "understand the intriguing, alluring power source... for the "holy" purpose of creating a family." In other words, "If you got it, flaunt it, but not in those slutty clothes, girlfriend!" Oh yeah, and since when did having a family have to be of divine design? Whatever happened to having kids because you want to???

I've got a better idea. Why don't I keep my $8.95 plus shipping and handling, toss your catalogue into the circular file, and use my brain while teaching my daughter to use hers?

A.D.D on parade

Today I made a delivery to an area hotel for their convention center. The order advice called for 5 cases of lemonade, 2 cases of diet tea and 8 cases of raspberry tea. However, our inventory of raspberry had been depleted, so I only had the first 7 cases to bring in. As I wheeled them in, the receiver stated, "There's supposed to be 15 cases all together."
"Yes," I replied, but we're completely out of stock on the raspberry, so I only have 7 cases for you."
Bewildered, the man quizzed, "So what exactly are you telling me?"
How does one respond to a ridiculous inquiry like that? I could only think of one way, so I repeated, "I'm telling you we're out of stock on the raspberry!"
As if one dumb question weren't enough, the guy fired off another one. "So what do I do now?"

Answer: go back into your office and pop a few "Focus Factor" pills!

One more time: TWO ears, ONE mouth.

Today, I was filling the shelves of a local grocery store to whom I delivered an order. As I was doing this, I was wearing my uniform shirt emblazoned with the RC cola/Canada Dry logo. A woman walked up to me and very loudly asked, "Excuse me, but do you carry any of that diet sparkling water? You know, the stuff that looks like bottles of wine?"
Now, I've been approached before in stores by folks assuming I'm a store employee, so no biggie. I just said, "No, I'm sorry, but I don't work here. I'm just the soda delivery guy." (99% of the time this response clarifies everything, but this was a 1% deal.)
"No," the woman bellowed, "I mean, do YOU carry the sparkling water?"
OK, I thought, she wants to know what products I do or don't stock... "No, I don't. I just have sodas, Snapple, Vitamin water and the like."
That seemed to answer her question. Or so I thought, until about 30 seconds later, she hollered to me (loud enough for the entire store to hear) from the cross-aisle 20 feet away, "Yes you do! It's right over in aisle 9."
My patience wearing a bit thin, I appealed, "I didn't know the store carried it. That's not my product."
Holding up a bottle of the item in question, the Mouth roared, "But you do have it! See!?"

Didn't I say I didn't work at the store?
Guaranteed, none of her friends tell her, "You're such a great listener!"

Krispy Kreme and Wacky Tobacky

And now, on the "Don't You Have Anything Better To Do?" front...
Thanks to the Asheville Citizen-Times for the following article about the struggling doughnut makers' latest attempt to emerge from bankruptcy.
Krispy Kreme turns to tobacco veterans for fix, marketing help
By IEVA M. AUGSTUMS AP Business Writer
CHARLOTTE, N.C. (AP) -- Nearly two years after its stock collapsed amid an accounting fiasco, Krispy Kreme Doughnuts Inc. faces a host of lawsuits, a criminal investigation and declining sales. Meanwhile, efforts are under way in New York and Chicago to ban a key ingredient of its famous doughnuts, one that helps make the trademark treats so darn addictive.
Sounds a lot like the challenges faced by executives at Big Tobacco, and that's just where Krispy Kreme has turned to for help.
Last month, Winston-Salem, N.C.-based Krispy Kreme named Charles A. Blixt, a former executive vice president and general counsel at Reynolds American Inc., as its new general counsel. A week later, the company appointed Andrew J. Schindler, the retired chairman of Reynolds American, to its board of directors.
"They have long and distinguished careers at (Reynolds) and they left in pretty good shape. It's not a huge transition for them," said Mike Lord, a professor of corporate strategy at Wake Forest University. "Importantly, what's key is that they do have a great wealth of experience to manage under adversity."
...The latest threat is less imminent, but potentially more devastating. In both New York and Chicago, public health officials want to ban the use of artificial trans fatty acids, found in some shortenings, margarine and frying oils - ingredients in everything from pie crusts to french fries to, yes, Krispy Kreme's famous glazed doughnuts.
"These guys were successful in the tobacco industry fighting all the public health people, and here we have another industry with similar challenges," said Paul N. Bloom, a senior research scholar at Duke University's Fuqua School of Business. "I don't think Krispy Kreme can be accused by people saying they were deceived about the healthiness of the product - it's a doughnut. But that doesn't necessarily stop people from trying."
...But the company's financial troubles came at the height of the Atkins Diet craze, when carbohydrates were unwelcome on plates nationwide. And while some critics call the New York and Chicago efforts unnecessary meddling, the proposed bans on trans fatty acids are clearly aimed at fast-food restaurants such as Krispy Kreme.
For now, Krispy Kreme has one big marketing advantage over the cigarette companies - despite the worrisome trans fat push, there's no effort under way to ban the sale of doughnuts to minors, or locking away the snacks behind store counters. Still, Lord sees plenty of overlap between marketing doughnuts and cigarettes.
"It's one simple product," Lord said. "And they are both bad for you."

OMG. Lord, you have GOT to relax. Nobody who goes to the doughnut shop is looking to enhance their well-being. They want a treat, plain and simple. What has happened to America that causes an organization like KK to hire top legal minds to combat the anorexics and Atkin-heads? God forbid we should ingest something that tastes good!

Forcing your pardon, ma'am

Wal-mart can be such a mixed blessing...
Today, while doing our weekly shopping, my wife and I were in the electronics department, dropping off a roll of film to be developed. As my wife filled out the film envelope, a man with a cart rammed into the back of her legs. She paused, and then went back to work on envelope when the brute jabbed her again. This time, she looked up to basically tell the jerk to knock it off, and when she did, she was met with a surprised look and a sharp, "Would you please excuse me?"
A bit late, don't you think, bud?

To quote an old childhood line, "There's no excuse for you."

Editor's note: Our sister site, "People Say Profound Things, Too" will soon be changed to take a more paradoxal/ satirical approach to the current state of faith based organizations. After all, there's just not as many profound things said in today's world, darn it all. Beginning after the awarding of the next set of STUPIES, (just 14 posts away) you can learn about a new, emerging religion called "Incredulism" at http://mrincredulous.blogspot.com. After all, if L. Ron could create a whole new faith, why can't I?

Pardon my French!

Not all the good laughs I get while on the clock come while making deliveries...
Yesterday, upon completion of my route, I returned to the warehouse to overhear "Jake" (who, we have previously established, isn't the sharpest tool in the shed) talking with "Bobby," my boss. Jake was bragging about his upcoming major purchase. "I'm getting my new car soon! I'm gonna get one of those new (Mazda) Pro-teeges."
Obviously, he meant Protege, so Bobby prodded, "Isn't that pronounced 'Pro-teh-zhay?'"
Jake stood his ground and proclaimed, "No, I'm pretty sure it's 'Pro-teege."

With a chuckle and a shake of the head, I punched out and drove away in my Dodge Car-a-van.

Standing on a VERY small soap-box

File this under "Think before you speak." Today's posting comes courtesy of WNEP.com regarding winds of change which are blowing in the small town of Old Forge, PA (pop. 8,000), a tightly-knit, predominantly Italian community (BTW, nationality has very little to do with the story.) Bold type added for emphasis.
Old Forge Losing Its Charm?

Tuesday, October 10, By Josh Brogadir
There are some who believe Old Forge is losing its charm, as a large section of the downtown is being torn down. A CVS pharmacy will soon be a fixture on Main Street in the center of Old Forge.
Long-standing Capitano's Pharmacy is empty. The once-popular lunch stop Talarico's Restaurant is boarded up.
A whole block of buildings on Main Street will be gone, to be replaced by the new pharmacy.
"We're now emerging as a tourist attraction for people to eat good pasta, good pizza, so what do they do? They rip the heart out of our town," complained Candace Marino of Old Forge.
She came back to Old Forge because it was Old Forge. As each beam and brick of the buildings goes, so too, she said, does the borough's character. "We had eleven mom and pop places here, places where like if you were my neighbor I could go, 'how do you do today,' and you could go, 'great, I did great, everybody from Old Forge came down,'" Marino added.
Wayne Staff won't knock the demolition. He thinks the borough is changing with the times. "I guess that's the way things go these days, you know, progress," he said.
Across the street from the new pharmacy will be a parking lot, giving residents and visitors a good view of another Old Forge business, Dooley's Pub. "The more traffic that comes through, the more people see Dooley's, and that's good for us. We'll take it," said Mark Matylewicz of Dooley's Pub.
While workers at Dooley's Pub sees it as a gain, Marino still can't help but think of all that will be lost.
"Welcome to Old Forge. Now we're going to be the drug store capital of Pennsylvania, instead of the pizza capital, and that's not fair," added Marino.
Many of the buildings on Main Street between Oak and Sussex, including several apartments, have been vacant for quite some time. That hasn't stopped Marino and some other people living in Old Forge from promising to boycott CVS when it opens its doors.

"The drug store capital of PA???" Oh, come ON. Once CVS is built, there will be exactly FOUR pharmacies in town, plus a rehabilitation apothecary. While it's sad to see small businesses swallowed up by the corporate machine, I laugh at the thought of a small band of minions single-handedly bringing CVS to its knees with their boycott. After all, 2 of the other 3 pharmacies in town are also national chains. Will you boycott them, too? Oh, I forgot, that'd be POINTLESS!!!
Lastly, I must also note that while Old Forge dubs itself "the pizza capital of the world," Old Forge-style pizza is bland and tasteless, IMNSHO!

To whom are you speaking?

This past weekend, I was working for my company (Canada Dry) in the role of store merchandiser, meaning I take all the product out of the back room and place it on the shelves. As I worked along at a local Wal-mart, the Coke rep was also doing the same thing with his beverage line. Coke employees are notorious for not giving a toot about their fellow vendors and "taking over" any and all available space. With that said...
I had 3 pallets worth of product in the back of Wally's World, all in their designated (marked) spots. No sooner had I pulled out one pallet than the Coke dude took ownership of my spot, and blocked in another of my pallets with two of his own. Upon completing the filling of shelves with the first pallet, I went in the back and set Coke's two pallets off to the side so I could access my own. The second I reached the sales floor, the Coke kook got in my face and sneered, "What, are all of you guys (jerks)?" (He used a much more "colorful" metaphor.)

Three words: Perpetual Cranial Rectosis.

You can find anything at this store!

During my travels today, I passed a general store with the following sign out front: Any pumpkin only $2. Come see the new fall arrivals!

"You know, I'm not really happy with these new pumpkins. You got any wrinkled, moldy ones in back-stock?"

Dumb everyday phrases, revisited

"I've been tearing my hair out all day..."
Spoken when verbalizing frustration. But how many people do you see actually tearing their hair out when having a bad day? You think that really would make you feel better? "Ah, yes. I was so completely agitated by what was going on that I decided to replace emotional pain with physical pain. Do you think I could donate this stuff to 'Locks for Love?'"

I can hear it now, in a future conversation with my kids. "Daddy, why are some people bald?"
"Well, son/daughter, you see, that's because they have a lot of hardship in their lives, so they tore all their hair out."

Vesicare, anyone?

Today's post appears courtesy the Asheville Citizen-Times. Bold type added for emphasis...
N.C. State aims to keep students from urinating in stadium seats
by Elizabeth Dunbar, Associated Press Writer
published September 29, 2006 5:49 am
RALEIGH – The student sections at college football games are usually a little unruly, but student leaders at North Carolina State University just want the urinating to stop.
And the problem isn't just a rowdy bunch of intoxicated fans. Students say efforts aimed at preventing overcrowding in the student section at Carter-Finley Stadium led some fans, worried about being allowed back to their seats, to stay put during the Wolfpack's upset win last weekend against Boston College.
"They didn't want to leave the section to go to the bathroom," said student body president Will Quick. Complaints about urinating and vomiting in the stands soon followed.
N.C. State uses an online ticketing system that allows students to print their tickets at home. They enter the stadium by scanning a bar code on the ticket, but enter their assigned seating section by showing the ticket to an usher. Quick said many students make copies of the tickets for the main student section so that they can sit with their friends, who may be assigned to a less favorable section.
And so when staff and police officers announced the section was full during last weekend's 17-15 win against the Eagles, some students opted to remain in the stands — no matter what.
"It was a bad image for N.C. State and for students," said Quick, adding that he was especially disappointed that it happened during Parents' Weekend. "We're not all like that."

I can see it now. Joe Campus walks back to his fraternity house after the big game. Upon opening the door, his frat brothers notice the HUGE wet mark all over the front of his pants. "Wow. Must've been a great game, huh, Joe?" Joe replies, "Yeah. Jimmy puked three times in his seat, dude!"

Does no one exercise self-control anymore???

I have a confession...

The PSST bug hit me, too!
Yesterday, (10/2/06) I was making a delivery to a retail chain store. The franchise uses a scan gun to check in products and maintain its inventory. During the check-in process, the store employee must enter in the invoice number, date, cost, etc... The gal using the gun asked me what the date was on the invoice, and without thinking, I blurted out, "The twoth." (Instead of "the second.")

Yes, folks, it's true-- I am not immune from vocalizing stupidity, even though I ridicule it regularly.

2nd today: Stupid pick-up lines

I've never used them, but I've heard them. Half-drunk men who live in their pants make a B-line for some pretty girl at a bar, and then proceed to prove their "worth" but opening their mouths and letting words come out.

"Excuse me, but I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?"
What you really said: "Excuse me, but I'm a doofus. Will you please point your finger and laugh out loud at me?"

"Oh. Running a little low on cash. Guess we'll have to share a cab ride home!"
The truth: "I'm a worthless bum without two cents to my name. Can I sponge off you as long as possible?"

"I can't explain it, but I'm feeling this incredible energy between us. Can you feel it?"
Translation: "Man, I'm wasted. Are you wasted?"

I'm sure many, MANY others could make an appearance on this blog at a future date.

Argument goes up in smoke

Our local news station, WNEP-16, reported yesterday on an area hospital becoming a completely smoke-free campus, following the trend set by many other health facilities nationwide. While it's a nice little "filler" story for the broadcast, station reporters were not satisfied with leaving it at that. They had to find an idiot. And they succeeded, filming the input of a local yokel, who lives near the hospital.
On nodding his approval to the hospital's new policy, the guy pointed, "Adam and Eve didn't smoke, right? So if God intended us to smoke, he would've provided tobacco, wouldn't he?"

Evidently, this man has no idea what the leading crop of Virginia and North Carolina is.

Upon discussing this gaffe this morning, my friend Pat disclosed that the dude was his wedding photographer. What a small, smoke-free world!

A look says it all: a lament

Yesterday was an extremely upsetting day for me. I grabbed the paper and discovered that an old acquaintance of mine-- somebody I used to be very close friends with, was arrested and charged with inappropriate sexual contact with/ corruption of a minor. Apparently, this took place over a 4-year time period. In the article, a police detective disclosed that (my old friend) confessed to the crimes. When asked by the detective if he had similair contact with other minors, he "fell silent and stared right at me."

Sickening. You really can tell a lot about a person just by reading his/her face.

And when do you PLAN on growing up?

In today's installment under the "Too much information" category, we wander onto the pages of the "Weekender," Northeast PA's entertainment weekly.
A regular feature is a "We asked, you answered" pool question. This week's query: "When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?"
Most answers were "normal," or at least understandable that a child would think this way...
"An astronaut."
"A rock star."
"The United States Emperor." (I liked that one!)
"A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle..."
And then, Ms. Andee Scarantino threw in her wonderful idea: "I wanted to be a man because I was growing tired of sitting down to pee."

Great to know you always set your standards high, Andee!

Holy java, Batman!

I brought in a delivery to a local convenience store today. 3 ladies were working in there, and Thursday is always their busiest day, because all of the product for the week comes in from all the vendors. A pair of ladies were feverishly working together in one aisle, trying to price and display their merchandise, while the third was manning the register with a line of customers. (The scene is set...)
As I set about to my work of putting my sodas in the coolers, a man walked in and passed the register on his way to the coffee machine at the back of the store. Now, there's no way on earth he couldn't have noticed how busy everyone was, but that didn't stop from bellowing out in a combatant tone, "There's no coffee here! You're out of coffee!"
The poor cashier had to leave the line of waiting customers to appease Mr. Valdez. However, as soon as she made it back to the machine, she saw the man's claim was not quite true. "There's coffee here! There's half a pot!"
The man arrogantly voiced, "Yeah, but I have to fill my mug here, plus I'm filling cups for three of my friends!"
Flustered, the poor over-worked clerk said, "Fine. I'll make some more, but just give me a couple of minutes to finish with the other customers."
"No, no," the man contradicted. "You don't have to do that. It's not a big deal." Then, with a pregnant pause, he proudly breathed, "After all, I'm a Christian and a man of peace."
Such an out-of-place declaration drew incredulous stares from both the clerk and myself.

You're a man of peace, huh? Then why did you raise such a big stink about there not being any joe, drawing others away from their business just so they could lick your French-roasted boots???

Sorry! Wrong number!

Today's post comes courtesy of "News Quirks," a compilation of strange but true news stories put together by Roland Sweet. Having worked as a directory assistance operator for 7 years, I thoroughly enjoyed this one...
Japanese officials arrested a 44-year-old man who made 37,760 silent calls to directory assistance so he could hear the "kind" voices of the female operators. "When I made a complaint call once, the operator dealt with it very kindly," the man told Hiroshima police, "so I wanted to hear these women's voices." The newspaper Mainichi Shimbun reported the calls, made between March and July this year, caused psychological distress to more than 100 operators at Nippon Telegraph and Telephone Corp.
Gee. Maybe the man should have had more to complain about.

Psychological distress? You want to talk about psychological distress? Forget about the silent calls. What's really stressful is working in a room full of people who couldn't pass a psych exam if they had Thomas Edison's brain implanted in their head. Why else would operators carry around stuffed frogs and talk to them all day? ("Frog Lady") ...Or eat hard candy immediately after chipping a tooth-- on a hard pretzel? ("Big Show") ...Or screaming obscenities at your co-workers because you don't love Jesus as much as she does? ("Cricket") ...Or leer about muttering, "Bodies for dollars!" ("Vidalia") ...Or yelling across the room, "The toilet seat burned my @$$!" ("Green Gogglin") ...Or pretend-playing in construction-paper corn fields? ("Hawaiian Al") ...Or....

Remember, folks, these are the people helping you get information.

Thanks loads for your "help."

Today, my job took me to a local American Vets Post today, aka bar. I had never delivered to this particular place before, and I had 10 large tanks for a soda fountain to bring in. I decided to leave the tanks in the truck until I could ascertain where exactly they were going to be kept. I wandered inside, and made my way into a lounge, where 4 drunk men (it was only 3:30 PM) and a female bartender sat, watching "Family Feud" on TV. (Apparently, this was as much stimuli as they could handle.) I asked the barkeep where to carry the tanks to.
She said, (sans any type of hand gestures) "First, you'll have to go downstairs, and then make a right turn--"
I could see she was going to turn the journey to the tanks' destination into a novel, so I interrupted, "OK, so where are the stairs?"
My query made no impact. "Alright. You go downstairs, right?"
Again, I sought to clarify. "Yes. But where are the steps?"
Coyote Ugly started getting upset, but still would not abandon her robotic stance. "No, listen to me. You go down the stairs---"
Forcefully, I pressed, "Yes! Where are they? I can't go down the stairs if I don't know how to find them!"
Exasperated, she threw up her hands and gasped, "Aw! Fine. I'll have to show you. I can't explain it to you."

Can't explain it??? BTW, turns out the steps were about 25 feet directly to her left side, but I guess she couldn't find the words to explain it.

Survey says, "X!"

More potty talk?

Today, I entered a convenience store to make a delivery. As the clerk was checking me in, a man exited the restroom, which was off to one side of the store. He had a harrowed expression painted across his face. Obviously of a strong, deep-Southern heritage, he sauntered up to the clerk and declared, "Yew wuz raht... Ah done didn't dare go in thar..."

First off, T.M.I!!!!!
Second, if you're the store employee and you know the bathroom was in less than ideal condition, isn't it your responsibility to do something about it beyond telling folks, "Hey, you don't want to go there"???

Well, thank God for THAT!

Upon a shopping trip to Wal-mart yesterday, my wife discovered a particular toilet deodorizer... BOWL FRESH Toilet Deodorizer. Pleasantly Scented!

What a relief. I'm glad I didn't buy a product that said, "Smells like a restroom on the Interstate used by a bunch of truckers eating bean burritos!"

The other funny thing about this product is a warning on the back: "This product contains a chemical known to the State of California to cause cancer."

Ahh. Seems nobody else has made this acknowledgement yet, so we'll just go ahead and sell this junk to the other 49 states...

Stinking to high heaven

The city of Scranton, PA has been going through an identity crisis ever since the 1950s when the anthracite industry died off. Scranton has been trying to figure out how to re-invent herself from that day to this. Recently, the current moron-- I'm sorry, I meant mayor-- has been attempting to create the "Electric City" as a tourist destination. Good folks, I can tell you with full assuredness: T'ain't gonna happen! Anyhoo...
The most recent attempt to draw folks to the downtown (on life-support) region is by holding big parties on the roofs of the parking garages. (Ooh. Sounds like fun to me. Not!) The funniest part of this is that the city took out a full-page ad in the weekly entertainment paper. Now some of the benefits listed about this get-together are common sense, but others, well... You be the judge.
RAISING THE ROOF 2, Friday, October 13 at the Medallion Parking Garage. $20 Admission includes cocktails, hors d'oeuvres, live music, free parking.
...Same basic rooftop concept as our wildly successful (debatable) party on August 18, with a few minor adjustments...
1st- MORE ROOM! This party is moving to the top of the newer and larger Medallion Garage... Good idea. Take away much-needed parking spots from city employees so you can have a party!
2nd- MORE BARS! [blah, blah, blah.] Great. Load folks up and then take them to the top of a garage with a VERY short fence around the perimeter.
3rd- MORE PARKING! See analysis #1. Not only do workers lose spaces to the party itself, but also to the party-goers' vehicles.
4th- MORE FOOD! OK, makes sense. I'll leave this one be.
5th- MORE DRINKS! We're planning an Octoberfest theme, etc, etc, etc! See point #2! Gravity works!
6th- MORE RESTROOMS! This time we're calling in a crane to lift the Port o' Potties to the top floor.
Much to say here! First, nothing adds to the ambiance of a rooftop party full of drunks falling to their deaths than the putrid smell of Port-o-lavs. Second, not only will people have a hard time finding a spot to land their car for work, but they'll have a hard time just getting to their jobs because cranes will be blocking all the streets around the garage. Finally, the last time a crane was used downtown (remember folks, the city is built over several old abandoned mines) the sidewalk collapsed under the weight, causing the crane to crash into the building it was in front of, resulting in tons of damage to facility, walkways and machinery alike.

Yep, another brilliantly thought-out nightmare by Mr. Artsy-fartsy mayor! What's next, a public fundraiser, complete with celebrity emcee, generating money for the destruction of condemned, blighted buildings which fester on every corner of the town?