Something to sleep on

My wife and I just recently purchased a new mattress/box spring set. Even the sleep industry has taken an intellectual snooze when printing up the warranty and mattress care guide!
Easy steps for rotating your turn-free mattress-- if you want to...
Wait a minute. ROTATING a TURN-FREE mattress? Isn't this a bit of an oxymoron?
Rotation #1: First, rotate mattress counter-clockwise 1/2 turn. Then realign mattress with foundation.
...Because rotating clockwise won't help, right? Also, I guess rotating the mattress a full turn is pretty much useless...
Rotation #3: Rotate mattress again 1/2 turn counter-clockwise. Then realign mattress with foundation.
...What happened to rotation #2? And why couldn't you just say, "Repeat rotation #1 as needed"?

Duh! Looks like someone doped up on Lunesta when concocting this pamphlet!

2nd today: Mental Mishap Murders Marked Man

(Catchy title, huh? Think it's New York Post worthy?)
More proof that thinking is a lost art, courtesy of the Scranton Times-Tribune.
Suspect: I didn’t think plot to kill would lead to death
BY MEGAN REITER
A local woman admitted to police that she never thought a plan concocted to kill her husband actually would lead to his death, according to testimony at a preliminary hearing Wednesday.
Patricia Luyster, 37, and her daughter, Clarissa, 17, are charged with criminal homicide and conspiracy to commit murder for the death of Ronald Luyster, 41, Mrs. Luyster’s husband and Clarissa’s father.
Cody Steich, 18, is charged with shooting Mr. Luyster once in the chest on April 14... where Mrs. Luyster and Ms. Luyster live.
Trooper Patrick Zirpoli, a criminal investigator, interrogated Mrs. Luyster. He read from her statement that she talked about killing her husband with Mr. Steich and her daughter for two weeks prior to his death. She knew Mr. Steich had a gun, “but didn’t think he’d do anything.”

Well, huh-huh-hh, mmm, gwarsh golly-gee! Muh teeny weeny brain din't figger that one out! Gee. I wanted to kill him, but I didn't want him to actually die!

A mind is a terrible thing to waste. And it must be stopped, before I kill someone. ...Else...

Look out, lucky singles!!!

Stop surfing those online dating services! Don't call that personal ad! Give up on the bar scene! The classiest of the class are right here in Northeast PA!
Our local arts and entertainment weekly has a regular feature called "Model/Man of the Week." While I'm not sure about the criterion to getting oneself chosen to such a role, it definitely is an eye-opener.
Accompanying a full-page photo is a very short bio and a series of questions answered by the wanton guy and gal. This week, The Weekender asked Melissa Gibblets, (makes me think of Thanksgiving dinner) age 30, "What does the opposite sex need to do to impress you?"
Answer: "They need to be able to hold an intelligent conversation with me... Or play guitar."

Translation: I'd like to date Stephen Hawking. Or "Fletch" from "The Space Gorillas." Whatever.

Don't despair, ladies! We've got a catch for you, too! D.J. Giancola, 21, responds to the query, "What smell turns you on?" with "Old sweaty socks."

Great. A gym bum who never washes his clothes or bathes.

Thank GOD I'm married!

Education at its most unsanitary

Talk about hands-on learning about health hazards!
Our local library's children's department features a lot of programs and events for our kids, which normally is great. However, the most recent E-mail notice they sent us really wrinkled my nose...
Worm Composting
Presented by the Penn State Cooperative Extension

Help build a worm composting bin!
Bring in your food scraps
to feed to the worms!
Bin will remain in the lobby all week.
All ages
Tuesday, May 1, 4:00pm
Lackawanna County Children’s Library
Free registration

What nit-wit thought this was a great idea? Bring your garbage to a public institution? Why not just feed the worms in your home garden?
The thing I love the most about this... "Bin will remain in the lobby all week." Oh, yuck. So every time you go to the library that week, you have to listen to your kids whine, "Phew! What's that yucky smell???"

Hello, 4-1-1? Can I please have the number for the Department of Public Health?

2nd today: Paula Abdubl-bl-bluh-bla!

I really do enjoy the popular show "American Idol," especially as a lyricist/musician, analyzing the talent. (Or, in Sanjaya's case, a lack thereof. But I digress.) However, the constant blathering by the judges sometimes gives me cerebral discomfort.
Last Tuesday, after contestant Jordin Sparks offered her musical contribution, Paula tried-- feebly-- to express her approval, amazement and appreciation. "You know, you-- wow, just look at you... You know, you're... you're just... YOU..."

Yep. Last time I checked!
You're you. Therefore you are.

We interrupt this normally stupid blog...

To bring you a laugh courtesy of my family... It's not stupid, just cute!
Whenever I come home from a day of delivering beverages, I'm always greeted by my very enthusiastic children, including my youngest, 3-year-old "Nugget," as we nick-named him. (Don't ask.) After the initial audible burst of "DADDY!!!", I sat in my favorite chair with a highball while the kids went upstairs to play.
A few minutes passed, and Nugget came bounding (literally) downstairs and saw me again, and called out, "Oh! Hi dere, Mommy!" (You know how kids can often be somewhat dyslexic.)
I chuckled, "I'm Daddy!"
Without missing a beat, he replied, "OK. I'm Nugget!"

Did I just walk into an AA meeting? Or... Just how much brandy did I pour into this glass?

Take it or leave

More proof that when people have nothing else to talk about, they talk about the weather.
Northeastern PA is getting hit by a large Nor'easter. Considering what others are experiencing, we here in this neck of the woods are making out rather well. There's 3"+ of rain, 6" + of sloppy snow, and lots of wind. (At least it's not the Blizzard of '96!)
WNEP.com has once again fed the frenzy by going out, seeking comments from area citizens about what they think about the storm.
"It's spring. We don't need it..."
"It's crazy. It's nuts for April..."
Howard O'Connor goes a bit too far with it, even though he's trying to put a positive spin on it.
"The Lord sent (the snow). We'll take it..."

I'd hate to be around this guy if he lived in other climates/locales.
SoCal: "The Lord sent the lightning that sparked a forest fire and burned down our entire housing community. We'll take it."
Kansas: "The Lord sent that tornado through my trailer park. We'll take it."
San Fran: "The Lord sent the earthquake that caused 8 million people to fall into the Pacific. We'll take it."
Oswego, NY: "The Lord sent 450" of snow. We'll take it. Never mind my roof."
Indonesia: "The Lord sent that 30' wall of water. We'll take it."

Howard O'Connor, you are the ignorant recipient of another "Just shut up" STUPIE!

17 more posts, and this site will officially become "Nullum Cerebellum Bumboli," which will incorporate non-verbal expressions of stupidity! Stay tuned!

Don't Git-R-Done

Today's post comes from the syndicated column "News Quirks," compiled by Roland Sweet from nation-wide press clippings... An asterisk (*) indicates an interjected thought, which I will state at the conclusion of this idiom of idleness.
Ex-Employee of the Month
After her employer told Emmalee Bauer, 25, to stop using company time to make entries in her personal, handwritten journal, she began recording the journal on her company computer. The Des Moines Register reported that during the next several months, Bauer composed a book-length document of 300 single-spaced pages detailing her effort to avoid work, which, besides keeping the journal, included shopping online, playing games, and reading message boards. "This typing thing seems to be doing the trick," she wrote. "It just looks like I am hard at work on something very important." She also wrote, "I am only here for the money * and, lately, for the printer access. *"
A supervisor discovered the journal and fired Bauer for misuse of company time. Bauer disputed her firing, insisting that the journal helped her deal with anxiety and frustration *. Administrative Law Judge Susan Ackerman denied her request for unemployment benefits, declaring that the journal demonstrated a refusal to work, as well as Bauer's "amusement at getting away with it."

First thought: "I'm only here for the money.." Fine. You don't like your job? Go find a better one. After all, to keep this journal going, you need to buy pens, paper, an ISP, whatever...
Next: "...Printer access"??? You couldn't be satisfied with keeping your literary laziness in a hard-drive file? Now your book-sized story of sloth is so much easier for your superiors to find!
Finally, Anxiety about what? Getting caught? Putting food on the table? Paying bills? Actually finding satisfaction in your personal accomplishments?

It's people like this that President Clinton had in mind when he developed welfare reform to eliminate abuses of the system... ...Which still continue today. (I hear the Oompa-loompa song in the background...)

Not for the dead, but the living

This evening, our family went to a local buffet-style restaurant. It was very crowded, and many families were eating after various church services. An older couple sat at the table directly behind my wife, and though we didn't intentionally eavesdrop, we could overhear their conversation.
The man was muttering about the service he and his family had just attended. "You know, that mass was OK, I guess... Well, I didn't care for the priest. It was pretty boring, actually. I mean, it didn't do anything for me. ...But the food afterwards was pretty good!"
His wife, out of a spirit of stunned disgust, replied, "Honey, it was a funeral."

I bet the service didn't do much for the deceased, either.

Speaking Hollywood-ese 101

Man, you hear enough of quotes like this, it's enough to give you a cerebral hemorrhage...
Celebrity guest Leeza Gibbons, appearing as one of the competitors to ABC's "Dancing With the Stars," had just been voted off on the results show this past Tuesday. Obviously, none of the stars want to lose, and it's hard to to accentuate the positive at such a time as this, but, my word! Is this all you can up with???
Upon asking her if she was disappointed she was leaving, Leeza smiled and vacantly blathered, "Well, as long as you show up for your life, you're a winner."

...Huh???
What in the name of Suzanne Sommers is that supposed to mean?

What a meathead.

God: "A little help up here?"

As a former ordained minister, it drives me absolutely insane when people try to convince others that God needs help, or that they themselves know better than the Almighty...
I recently came across an advert for a Christian curriculum company. Their slogan emblazoned on the top of the flier: "Preserving God's Word through Christian education!"
Is that so? I'm surprised to learn that if it weren't for Christian ed, The Bible wouldn't mean a darned thing. So, Landmark Freedom Curriculum, if you know the Bible so well, perhaps you could explain the following passage found in Isaiah 40:7 to me...
"The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the Word of our God stands forever."

Hmm. So, God doesn't need my help?

Down in the, like, valley

Where oh where do these news agencies find people like this to interview???
The following comes from WNEP.com regarding a story on teaching area college students the importance of fire prevention and combating wildfires.
With low humidity and plenty of dry grass and leaves in the woods state forestry officials say the conditions are perfect for wild fires. Today college students learned how to handle and put out wild fires.
On state game lands near Allenwood, forestry officials prepared some Penn College students for a hands-on lesson. They got up close and personal with fire, learning how to contain and control it.
The controlled burns are carefully planned. Students stand at the perimeter of the burn to make sure flames don't jump the lines.
"You always have to worry about being safe because you don't know what the weather is going to do. It switches with the wind, so you have to, like, pretty much pay attention at all times, where you're at, what's behind you, what's in front of you," said student Katie Su McCaslin.

"Like, pretty much?"
Like, pretty much you're suffering from second-degree burns, chickie-boo.