Strings attached

My buddy Pat heard an ad on the radio today for a contest being run by a local newspaper. "Win free gas, courtesy of the Citizen's Voice! No purchase necessary. See paper for contest rules."

Now how do you see the paper with no purchase???

It wasn't that difficult of a question!

Our local arts and entertainment weekly is always good for a laugh or two. One of their regular features is a short Q&A segment called "We asked..." They ask a question that is an interest point to teens and young "adults", and often the answers are hilarious.
Sometimes, I don't think the responders understand what's going on around them, or that they are about to be published in a paper circulated to about 500,000 people. Hence, the absence of common sense...
This week's question was quite direct: "What TV show are you most excited about watching this year?"
Most had simple answers like "Sopranos" or "Smallville."
Then Einstein Jr. replies, "I'm a huge sports fan. I'd like to find out the history of sports."

Here, buddy, I got a free bottle of "Focus Factor" for ya.

WAY too much information

I saw a headline on www.wnep.com. Against my better judgment, my curiosity got the best of me, so I read on...
Pelvic Exercises Useful for Erectile Dysfunction
(Reuters' Health) Exercises that focus on strengthening the muscles at the base of the penis, known as the pelvic floor, appear to be a useful treatment for erection difficulties, according to a small study...
...The exercise training was provided by a psychotherapist who instructed the men to tighten their pelvic floor muscles as if they were trying to prevent gas passing.

PPHTHTHPHTTT!
Sorry, sir. You failed!

What a deal!...NOT!

I received a flier in the mail touting a huge fantastic repo sale at a local car dealership. "You're pre-approved!" it bragged. Included was an extra little bonus: An additional cash discount!
Get a $4500 discount (dated Sept. 27) when you present this coupon at this spectacular 4-day event, Sept. 28-Oct. 1!
...Void after Sept. 17, 2005.

"Please, no phone calls or overnight camping."
Oh, OK, I'll try to stave off the temptation!!!

WNEP IV; Double-negative understatement

Reporting live from a soggy Bloomsburg Fair, a news correspondent informs, "The downpours are pouring down here."

Is there something about rain that promotes stupidity???
...What a day it's been!

WNEP III: Fashion experts

Tom Clark spends time every year talking (on the air) with people at the Bloomsburg (PA) Fair before giving his weather prognosis. He found a woman with a very short haircut wearing a HUGE purple feathered hat. He asked her, "Is that hat water-proof?"
"I guess so. My hair isn't wet!"

No, that's because you're wearing the entire state of Texas--dressed in violet-- on your head!

Another red-letter day for WNEP-16!

WNEP II; geographical wizard

My favorite weatherman, Tom Clark, was doing a remote broadcast from the Bloomsburg (PA) Fair, about 45 miles from the studio. Upon seeing a picture on the green screen of conditions outside the station, he quipped, "Wow, look at that. The sky is the same here as it is at the studio!"

Thanks for the insight, Chicken Little!

Oh, no... Words are coming out!

WNEP-16 has a daily feature on their 5:30 newscast called "Talkback 16." It's an opportunity for locals (or is that locos?) to express their views on stories channel 16 covered over the past couple of days. One caller responded to a teacher's strike with this deluge of suppressed brilliance:
"I don't get it. Why don't these teachers strike during the summer?"

Yeah, that'll work!

Say WHAT???

The following two lines are from a local ad for an online job-hunting site, complete with pointless and purposeless interjections...
#1...
Man, sounding business-minded: "You've probably heard the ads for nepajobfinder.com..."
Someone sounding like Joan Rivers: "Are your legs hairy? Lemme see. Oh, huh-huh-huh-huh! Perfect!"

WHAT???
#2...
Man, sounding business-minded: "You've probably heard the ads for nepajobfinder.com..."
Russian-accented brute: "Let me show you how squeeze the feesh." **squishing sound**

WHAT???

Rain on the brain

ABC had a special report today which focused on the damage done by Hurricane Rita, and comparing it to Katrina. One reporter stood at the edge of a flooded street in the already heavily-battered city of New Orleans, talking about the damage to the levies, and the plan to continue to rebuild. He closed his segment by stating, "In this fragile city... the residents can only hope that the best is finally over."

Uh, can I have a do-over?

Really? ...You sure??

Of all the marketing slogans for institutions of higher learning, this one might be the most pointless...
"We are... Penn State."

Yeah, my first clue was the huge sign at the main campus entrance...

Hukt on foniks

This is why WNEP-16's chief meteorologist, Tom Clark, is my favorite weatherman!
Tonight, he was in the process of announcing the local next-day outlook, and the graphic came up spelled "Partly Coudy." So he acknowledged the error with the following comment:
"That's supposed the read 'cloudy'. My computer left out the 'W'."

Ooh, that wascawy weatherman!

AN "F" in grammar

Mike Seidel reported for the Weather Channel from Galveston, TX on Thursday, awaiting the effects from Hurricane Rita. Alluding to the short flood wall which offered limited protection from the storm surge, he said, "These houses (nearby) might be in danger if this water comes up very more."

Thanks. You done did a good wedder report!

Triple whammy

On Monday, my wife picked me up at work...
Today, at work, one of my colleagues asked me, "Was that your wife that came to pick you up in the white van the other day?"
"Yes," I replied.
"She just about killed me coming into the entrance! She almost plowed into me and I thought, 'Geez! You moron!'"

First strike, you called my wife a moron.
Second strike, you called my wife a moron TO MY FACE!
Third strike, you left work doing about 30 MPH in a 5 MPH zone!
You're out!

It takes a person of very little brain to insult another's spouse right to that person! DUH!

People DO stupid things, too!

...Take me, for example. As a child, I didn't always make the brightest choices. I was about 6 years old, and was having a lot of difficulty falling asleep. As I was afraid of the dark, I had a small night-lite plugged in by my bed. I studied it, and thought, "I wonder what would happen if I tasted it?" I unplugged the light, and placed the electrical prongs on my tongue. Needless to say, I got quite a burning sensation. "Ow! That hurt!"
As if this wasn't bad enough, I repeated this process numerous times, wondering if the result would be the same. "OW! THAT HURT AGAIN!" I sputtered.

...This may answer a lot of nagging questions you all have about me!

This just stinks

In a popular TV ad for a leading brand of deodorant, the narrator boldly states, "You do NOT want to be odor right now!"

Um, when do you WANT to be odor, exactly???

The oddest of dwellings

My wife and I had recently picked up a "Homes for sale" flier from the Western NY area, and we noticed one modular home listing in particular. Apparently, the editor missed a typo...
"Pubic water included."

Lord, I HOPE that was a typo!

Incredible. In just 38 days, I have 42 posts on this blog. STOP THE STUPIDITY!

Extremely distasteful marketing

You've probably seen it. You've laughed at it's sheer stupidity. You can't get the punch line out of your head... It's Dr. Angus and his "Power Sitting" program, featured on Burger King's ad for the new Shroom and Swiss Angus Burger!!!
In case you've been living under a rock, and have no idea what I'm talking about, I'll set the scene. Dr. Angus is in a room full of excessively-busy men and women-- too busy to even sit down. He remedies this problem by offering them a new angus burger. It's so good that you just have to stop everything and sit down to enjoy it! As more and more "recover" by seizing their angus burgers and relishing in sitting down to eat it, Dr. Angus enthusiastically shouts,
"You're full of sit! I'm full of sit! We're all full of sit!!!"

That's right folks: If you go to BK and eat one of their angus burgers, you too can be full of sit!
WHAT BONEHEAD THOUGHT THIS WAS ACTUALLY A GOOD IDEA????

Heads should roll for headline

Sometimes, it's obvious that the individuals who create headlines for major news outlets either aren't the sharpest tool in the shed, or they live under a rock. Today's feature headline in the AP's business report:
(Delta and Northwest) Airlines' Bankruptcies May Impact Service

Gee. Ya think? ...I dunno, we don't got no money. Do we still give our passengers those little bags of pretzels on our flights???

Nominated for understatement of the year

As usual, the Weather Channel spares no expense when it comes to placing a member of the team in the direct path of an oncoming hurricane. As Ophelia battered the North Carolina coast, the professor blurts out, "Conditions continue to deteriorate here. We're getting pelted by the rain. If conditions worsen much more, I'm gonna have to find better shelter."

YOU'RE ON THE BEACH. WHAT SHELTER???
Oh, I might add he was broadcasting from Atlantic Beach, NC, and the police had closed off the only bridge inland from that point. Don't think you're finding much shelter, bud!

Frightful frijoles

A few years ago, a friend told me of a recent movie-viewing experience...
"I went to see "The Blair Witch Project" last night. All I can say was the camera kept bouncing up and down. I mean, it was shot REALLY bad. Man, I shouldn't have gone to Taco Bell right before seeing that movie."
OK, first of all, you went to a really crappy movie, dude!...

Priorities, take 2

The following as an excerpt from an odd story covered by the AP...
FOOTBALL PLAYER PLANS TO AMPUTATE FINGER
An Australian professional football player said Tuesday he plans to have one of his fingers amputated in an attempt to improve his game.
Brett Blackwell, who plays Australian rules football for Gleneig... told the Australian Broadcasting Corp. he has suffered from pain and restricted movement since he broke his left ring finger three years ago...
"To chop a finger off, that's a bit drastic," [he] told the ABC. "But I love my footy (football), and love playing sport, and if that's going to help me succeed at this level then it's something you've just got to do."
Ok, first--GROSS! Second-- I wonder if he'll give anyone the finger. D'OH!!!

Marketing gaffe

I heard an ad on the radio for a local pizzeria. The man reading the script quipped, "Call Florio's Pizza today at 825-78605. That's 825-78605!" ...They proceeded to repeat the 8-digit phone number 6 times!!!
Last time I checked, all phone numbers have 7 digits following the area code.
...Wonder how a multiple-person staff in sales and marketing missed that!

Eternal fetal syndrome

My friend Pat went into a convenience store and overheard a conversation between two young ladies. The first announced she was pregnant. The response from her friend?
"Really? You're pregnant? But you weren't last year!"

...Announcing my first annual pregnancy! (???)

P.C. gone way too far--AGAIN

Oprah Winfrey, airing her show live from the hurricane-ravaged wasteland this Tuesday:
"DON'T call these people 'refugees.' They are NOT 'refugees.'"
In addition, Rev. Jesse Jackson slipped his foot back into his mouth with the notion that calling black people "refugees" lowers them to second-class status.
Webster's dictionary: definition of "refugee" is as follows:
"One who flees to a shelter, or place of safety."

For the record, though the vast majority of people directly affected by Katrina's destruction are black, victims also include Korean, Hispanic, Caucasian, Chinese, American Indian, European tourists, Canadians, French, etc, etc, etc... I am not defending verbiage involving racial abuse, but the P.C. has GOT to stop!!!

This says it all about stupidity

Aaron Broussard, president of Jefferson Parish, LA (outskirts of New Orleans) deservingly expressed his frustration with recovery and salvage efforts with the following comments on CBS's "The Early Show."
"...Bureaucracy needs to stand trial before Congress today. SO I'm asking Congress, please investigate this now. Take whatever idiot they have at the top of whatever agency and give me a better idiot. Give me a caring idiot. Give me a sensitive idiot. Just don't give me the same idiot."
My point: what was said by Mr. Broussard wasn't stupid, but what he said tells all too well of how prevalent stupidity is! God bless the people of the Gulf coast...

Cars, again

My brother, on his way to work, noticed a broken-down car on the side of the road. As he passed it, he noticed a sign in the window...
"For sale. Runs good."
As he said, "I guess that means the driver runs good!"
--Special thanks to Gordon for this one

Right-wing gluttony

I saw the following bumper sticker on a big, gas-guzzling SUV outside Wal-mart today...
"Guns kill people like spoons made Rosie O'Donnell fat!"

Not sure I agree with the justification, but it's an interesting point!

"But officer, the cashier ticked me off!"

I recently listened to an acquaintance tell the following story. Though not word-for-word, the context is completely accurate...
"I went to Wal-mart to buy a new air conditioner today, because it's been so hot... My friend had told me that they'll let you pay with a paycheck if you show ID. So I get the AC, wait forever in line, and then when I finally get to the check-out, I give the lady my driver's license, but then she tells me she can't cash my check because the license is expired. I was so mad I just left the AC on the counter and drove off."
Does this qualify as road-rage?

The Nays have it!

I've been spending a lot of time this week reading blogs written by friends and acquaintances to see what their take is on the Katrina disaster and its effect on all of us. One "friend" posted an article written on Tuesday in the Raleigh-Durham (NC) paper about "critics" warning of soaring gas costs in the next couple of weeks. My buddy then followed the clip with a rant about how these "pessimistic ignoramuses" have no clue what they're talking about, and that they need to go out and get an education.
At the time of this post, gas nation-wide is up $1.00 per gallon on average, and most of the southeastern US has run out of gas.
Never argue with nay-sayers. They'll still say "nay." And sometimes, they're right.

WANTED: Remedial training

At my job, work comes in at various paces. Sometimes things are slow; sometimes we're slammed. When such a fluctuation occurs and a pile of work comes into my department, a fellow worker (who, I might add, has 10 times more seniority than I) will ask one of two questions, expecting an actual answer...
#1: "Where the @#*&!! did this come from??"
#2: "How did this happen???"
ANSWER: "What do you think???"

Another fantastic forecast

Tonight's weather report on WNEP-16... (This is gonna be a fave of mine!)
"Well, the remnants of [hurricane] Katrina have moved out of our area, and as we take a look at the live radar scan, you can clearly see the clearing... Things will be much more comfortable tonight as we say goodbye to that tropical system that made it feel downright tropical."
90% chance of stupidity tomorrow...