2nd today: World-wide stupidity

The web is wonderful!
PSST has indirectly made headlines in Canada on the site "Useless Advice From Useless Men." I wrote them a letter regarding my little indiscretion from 11/8 ("Oops, I did it again") and they published it, complete with, of course, useless advice.
Click on the link on the right and scroll down to QUESTION # 420: ANDROGYNOUS CONUNDRUM, dated Nov. 27, and enjoy the fun!

You want fries with that???

Today, as I unloaded beverages off my truck for a delivery, I had the great privilege of witnessing the following verbal exchange at an Arby's drive-thru order box, just a short distance from where my vehicle was parked. A scruffy, poorly-wardrobed man pulled up in his multi-colored (and multi-textured) 1985 Monte Carlo, complete with major fender rust and a partially-detatched rear bumper. The female employee called out through the talk-box, "Welcome to Arby's. May I please take your order?"
SCRUFF: Yeah, I'd like 2 regular roast beefs, small curly fries and a coke.
BOX: What size would you like?
SCRUFF: A coke, please.
BOX: OK. What size coke?

Interjection: I know sometimes it's hard to understand the muffled voice on the speaker of these talk-boxes, but I was a good 20 feet away, and could understand the gal perfectly.
SCRUFF, leaning out his window, closer to the box: I'd just like a coke, OK?
BOX, growing impatient: Yes, I know that. But what.. size.. drink.. do you want?
SCRUFF, leaning even further out, yelling: OK, fine! A Pepsi, then!!!

Interjection: Arby's carries the Pepsi line of beverages, but assumably, "coke" meant Pepsi to the gal, who was just trying to determine how thirsty (and deaf) this guy was.
BOX, deliberately, but professionally: All I want to know is what size drink you want!
SCRUFF, flipping off the menu board: Oh, just forget it, then!!!
...And drove off...

Maybe he'll have better luck at the Burger King across the street... I think they carry Coke!

Ebonic Jesus

This little piece probably appears on "News of the Weird" as well-- especially since Chuck Shepherd reported this himself-- but I couldn't pass up on the latest version of "Marketing of Jesus."
New York City Episcopal priest Timothy Holder ("Poppa T"), whose HipHopEMass and "Hip Hop Prayer Book" have turned south Bronx youth into parishioners over the last two years, issued a music CD in November featuring Bible stories in street language. For example, the 23rd Psalm: "The Lord is all that/ I need for nuthin'/ He 'lows me ta chill."

Great. Jess whats weez all be needin', sho...

You're on the air(head)!

Today in the car, I flipped on the radio, just as the local station was announcing the winner of some call-in contest. Usually, the DJ records the call from the lucky contestant and then plays it over the airwaves at the completion of a song. The on-air exchange went as follows:
DJ: "Hello, Magic 93. Who's this?"
Caller (hesitantly): "...This is Lois... Did I get through?"

Well, you're talking to the DJ, aren't you???

If I were me

Today's PSST notoriety belongs to Michael Richards, aka "Kramer" from Seinfeld, who launched into a tirade full of N-bombs and other assorted obscenities, which was directed at a couple of hecklers interrupting his stand-up act Nov. 17. (To his credit, Mr. Richards has since apologized on national TV and is considering anger management assistance.)
Kenny Kramer, the personified inspiration for the character depicted on Seinfeld, has been deflecting accusations that Michael's rant proves he (Kramer) is racist, or that he thinks Richards himself is racist, ever since the unfortunate event took place. More on the man behind the man can be found at www.kennykramer.com.
In an interview with the AP, Kramer (the real one) shows that he has maintained a proper perspective on his indirect fame, and offered the following bits of logic and wit.
...[Kramer] issued a statement drawing the distinction: "I know the public is smart enough to realize that Michael Richards' personal actions in no way reflect on the character he portrayed on television or me, Kenny Kramer, the real person that the character was based on."
Kramer managed to find a silver lining in the confusion.
"You know what the good news is?" he asked. "Judith Regan is now on a plane to California, trying to sign Michael Richards to a book deal: `If I Were a Racist, Here's What I Would Have Said.'" (A cute take-off of OJ's failed book.)

Roker's a turkey

The yearly NBC production of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade wouldn't be complete without Al Roker embarrassing himself on national TV.
Doing a little feature on the network's hit show "Heroes" (Which I HIGHLY recommend, BTW) with some of the cast members, Roker tried to connect with the show's fans; and failed miserably, when once again, he showed he didn't do his homework beforehand. Trying to quote the show's catch-phrase, Roker blurted, "Save the world, save the cheerleader!!" ...And, to my delight, had his dyslexia corrected in unison by the cast members...

Way to go, Al! Thanks for maintaining yet another Thanksgiving tradition!

People Conceive Stupid Ideas!

Saw the following article in the Electric City (Scranton, PA) weekly written by Mike Ashworth and wanted to give him today's space, because he so perfectly captured the essence of Incredulous.... Enjoy... "

Under the Covers" by Mike Ashworth
"Little T Can Suck It"
'Little T Learns to Share' by Terrell Owens with Courtney Parker, illustrations by Todd Harris

This week I've discovered one of the most unbelievable and astounding books I've ever seen. Somehow it had slipped quietly into the children's section of my store undetected until a well-informed customer requested it.
I was instantly held mesmerized when out of the stacks came a small hardcover picture book. A small group of employees gathered around wide-eyed, wondering if it could be for real. It WAS!
This modern classic is called Little T Learns to Share (BenBella Books, Inc. $14.95), and it's by Terrell Owens "with Courtney Parker" and features illustrations by Todd Harris.
Arguably the greediest, most self-centered, egotistical, attention-seeking, poor-sport, bad-mouthing, disruptive, back-stabbing, emotionally troubled, prima-donna player in all of the NFL has co-authored a kids' book on values!
...If you want audacity, here it is! The vanity! The temerity! (I could probably go on with at least another half dozen more 50-cent words here. For your sake, I will just continue on with my rant.)
I mean, this is like How to Be a Good Neighbor by Charlie Manson, Dining with Dahmer by Jeffrey Dahmer, or ex-Congressman Mark Foley's My New Career as a Scoutmaster. Who in their right mind thought, "Yes, well, he's a big name in professional athletics, of course he'll make a great role model; I'll definitely publish his books"? It is not surprising that it is not carried by a large publisher.
After recovering a little from the initial shock, I just couldn't keep myself from opening it up. What was the first thing to greet my eyes? "To my children, may my life serve as an example to you..."
WHAT?! ...Even most of his fans admit, "Yeah, he's an [arrogant butthead], but is an amazingly gifted athlete." What kind of example is this?
This is truly mind-boggling. Yet, even after this I valiantly pushed on. I was also surprised to see that T.O. may actually have had something to do with the writing of the book.
After reading, "I don't think so, Sam - I'm sorry, Tim -I'mma have to turn ya'll down," it is clear that a great pedagogical mind and literary genius was at work here.
If you are curious, the writing doesn't get much better, and even the illustrations are mediocre at best. There's more good news, too. The cover sports a bright red star advertising "First in the T.O.'s Timeouts Series."
Here's my recommended titles for the further books in the T.O.'s Timeouts Series that would also address other topics T.O. knows nothing about:Little T Becomes a Team Player, Little T Holds His Tongue, Little T Shares the Spotlight, Little T Admits He's Wrong, Little T Takes One for the Team, and Little T Minds His Medication.
Personally, I think Little T should shut up and go the hell away, because it will be a cold day there before I read anything written by him to my children! However, I'm certain this will be an instant bestseller in a few certain markets like, oh, Philadelphia and San Francisco.

Bravo, Mike! Bravo!!!

Surly you jest

Often times while driving from point-to-point on our deliveries, Pat and I will converse via Direct-Connect on our phones. This morning, I arrived at a local convenience store, loaded up my hand-truck and was wheeling it into the building. Pat was concluding a thought on the DC as I entered. The clerk looked at me like I had just passed gas in a closet after eating a million hot dogs. "It's awfully ignorant of you to be talking on the phone when you come in here!" she screamed. (Literally.) "Why can't you finish your conversation outside?!"
"And a happy Monday to you, too," I thought. "What's the problem? We're not checking in the order yet, and he's talking to me," I noted.
"That's just rude," she snipped. "Where's your sense of etiquette?!"
Obviously, I had inadvertently hit a sore spot with this gal, so I just resigned, "Fine!"
The shift manager then followed me into the back room (as I was taking the goods there and boomed, "You have no business using a phone while you're in here!" (To this moment, I still don't know why this was such a federal issue.)
Anyway, I motioned for him to cool his jets, and pushed the talk button to sign off with Pat. "I'm gonna have to go. I'm---"
"WORKING instead of gabbing!" the manager loudly interrupted, leaning over my shoulder into the mic.

Oh, sorry. My bad. That wasn't at all ignorant.
So, I guess it's fully acceptable to be unprofessional and surly, but God forbid you should use a phone in a public place!!!

Oxygen alternative

The bug bit Pat, too!!! (If I can own up to mis-identifying someone's gender, I can bust on my friend/work associate, too!)
Long story short, while making deliveries today, Pat got pulled over by Department of Transportation officials. He was cited for a couple of code violations on his truck, including a tire severely under-pressured. Seems he had run over a nail on the road earlier in the morning. He had to wait where he was until a mechanic came to replace the tire and repair the other problems.
When the repairman came with the tire, it too was a bit low on air pressure. Pat called the boss, "Bobby," to let him know. Bobby told Pat to fill it up with air. Meaning to ask if he could go to any air pump, the Freudian slip which escaped Pat's lips was, "Do I fill that up with regular air?"

As Bobby teased, "I know those nitrogen-filled tires are really big now, but..."

It's the media's fault!

I got a huge laugh when I heard the feedback from a news story run on WNEP-16 Wednesday evening. The transcript follows. It's important to remember that when this aired on TV, graphic images were shown of the dead deer mentioned in the tale...
Two Attacked by Deer
Wednesday, November 15, UDPATED: 5:48 p.m.By Norm Jones
A deer attacked a couple in Clinton County Wednesday morning and put them in the hospital. Troopers said the buck walked up to the back door of the house on Fishing Creek Road near Lamar. When the homeowners tried to shoo it away, the buck attacked both of them.
State police got the frantic phone call around 8 a.m. A large, six-point buck was attacking Frank Rishel right in his backyard. Troopers said when they showed up they heard screaming coming from the house and what they saw completely shocked them. The deer was attacking Linda Yost and her boyfriend, Rishel, lay motionless on the ground. State police said one trooper grabbed its antlers with one hand and shot it with the other. Another trooper then opened fire, killing the deer.
Officials said the buck had walked right up to the house and attacked when Rishel tried to scare it off. Donna and Terry Jierles live nearby and walk there often. The couple brought a hefty piece of wood on their morning walk after hearing of the attack.
"There's just one thing on their (deer) mind. They're just insane. There's just no, no predicting them. Normally you could chase a deer away. When they're in rut, they do their own thing," Terry Jierles said.
The Pennsylvania Game Commission agrees. Biologist Tony Ross said when a buck is in the rut all bets are off. "Anybody that tries to get in the way of that, that deer is going to try and go through them," Ross said.

After viewing the gruesome footage, one watcher expressed his opinion on WNEP-16's "Talkback."
Was that really necessary? Is that news? A shot-full-of-holes deer, bulging eyes, pools of blood. Let me tell you what happened in my house! My 13 year old son told my 3 year old daughter there won't be Christmas because the police shot Rudolph! Nice job WNEP.

Ah, yes. The Newsstation has permanently spoiled your holiday, just like the family who had their pumpkins stolen off their porch right before Halloween.

Merry Stinking Christmas.

P.C. Earns "Supplemental STUPIE"

We interrupt this blog to present a special STUPIE in a new, separate category. Borrowing a phrase from ESPN's "Mike and Mike In the Morning" show, this award is called the "Just Shut UP! STUPIE..."
The STUPIE goes most boldly and unabashedly to the US Department of Agriculture's Mark Nord for his "justification" behind eliminating the word "hunger" to categorize those who don't have enough to eat. Yeah, that solves the problem!!!
The following excerpts are taken from the Washington Post...
U.S. agency changes "hunger" to "very low food security"
By Elizabeth Williamson
WASHINGTON -- The U.S. government has vowed that Americans will never be hungry again. But they may experience "very low food security."
Every year, the Agriculture Department issues a report that measures Americans' access to food, and it has consistently used the word "hunger" in connection with those who can least afford to put food on the table. But not this year.
Mark Nord, the lead author of the report, said "hunger" is "not a scientifically accurate term for the specific phenomenon being measured in the food security survey." Nord, an Agriculture Department sociologist, said, "We don't have a measure of that condition."
The department said that 12 percent of Americans — 35 million people — could not put food on the table at least part of last year. Eleven million of them reported going hungry at times. Beginning this year, the Agriculture Department has determined "very low food security" to be a more scientifically palatable description for that group. The United States has set a goal of reducing the proportion of food-insecure households to 6 percent or less by 2010, or half the 1995 level, but it has proved difficult. The number of hungry Americans has risen over the past five years, and last year, the share of food-insecure households stood at 11 percent.
Less vexing has been the effort to fix the way hunger is described. Three years ago, the department asked the Committee on National Statistics of the National Academies "to ensure that the measurement methods USDA uses to assess households' access — or lack of access — to adequate food and the language used to describe those conditions are conceptually and operationally sound."
The panel suggested that the Agriculture Department scrap the word "hunger," which "should refer to a potential consequence of food insecurity that, because of prolonged, involuntary lack of food, results in discomfort, illness, weakness, or pain that goes beyond the usual uneasy sensation."
To measure hunger, the department determined, the government would have to ask individual people whether "lack of eating led to these more severe conditions," as opposed to asking who can afford to keep food in the house, Nord said.
It is not likely that Agriculture Department economists will tackle measuring individual hunger. "Hunger is clearly an important issue," Nord said. "But lacking a widespread consensus on what the word 'hunger' should refer to, it's difficult for research to shed meaningful light on it."
Anti-hunger advocates say the new words sugarcoat a national shame. "The proposal to remove the word 'hunger' from our official reports is a huge disservice to the millions of Americans who struggle daily to feed themselves and their families," said David Beckmann, president of Bread for the World, an anti-hunger advocacy group.
"We ... cannot hide the reality of hunger among our citizens."
So, Mr. Nord, you think you can just ignore the fact that millions of people in the richest nation on earth don't have enough to eat, and that hundreds are dying due to malnourishment each year? What do you possibly know about hunger? You're pulling in a 6-figure income every year. Try getting down on the level of the less fortunate who have to scrap each day for every little bit of food, clothing and finances they can get, just to survive until tomorrow?
The term "Low-food security" is repulsive at best and callously criminal at worst. Though you're not elected by the public, your boss (the Prez) is. Maybe a different boss will see things more realistically than you, providing you with " Very low job security."

In the spirit of Mike and Mike, Mr. Nord, JUST SHUT UP! Enjoy your freaking STUPIE.

Kick 'em while they're down

By now, most have heard the sordid story of Rev. Ted Haggard, former leader of the National Association of Evangelicals, and his fall from grace as he got caught up in a drug-use/gay-fling scandal, despite being a harsh opponent (from the pulpit) to homosexuality. To quote Paul Harvey, perhaps you don't yet know The Rest of the Story...
Seems Mr. Haggard sought to right the wrongs by submitting to a group of his friends and constituents, making himself fully accountable to them. Counseling, prayer and encouragement was to be the MO for this group, which included Christian psychologist, Dr. James Dobson. A little over one year ago, I heard Dr. Dobson call Rev. Haggard "one of his closest friends" on his nationally syndicated radio program, Focus On the Family. Then, the other shoe dropped...
Nov 7, 2006 (AP)— Citing a lack of time, Focus on the Family founder James Dobson withdrew Tuesday from the team overseeing counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard, the evangelical pastor who was fired amid allegations of gay sex and drug use.
"Emotionally and spiritually, I wanted to be of help but the reality is I don't have the time to devote to such a critical responsibility," Dobson said.
That's nice. It's comforting to know that such a public figure in the world of Christianity is so dedicated to friendship...

DEFINITELY an early nominee for the Ignernt Foo' STUPIE!

The customer is always ticked.

I went into a local convenience store today with a delivery. As I brought in the first stack of goods, the manager asked to see the invoice. Several items were out of stock; hence, they were not being delivered. Obviously upset, she grabbed the phone and called my company to complain-- not about me, but about the fact that she needed a lot of product that we weren't able to provide. I listened with vested interest, because frankly, this particular salesman who sells to this store is a waste of vital space on this planet...
The manager registered her complaint by telling the head of sales, "Well, he came in yesterday and said you guys have all this stuff... ...Yes, but I have 9 cases I'm missing today... ...Yes, I've let him know I wasn't happy with his service... ...What he told me was, 'Well, I keep ordering the cases, but they aren't coming in...'"

Yeah, that's professional. Don't give the customer what they want...
Oh, BTW, each salesman carries a hand-held computer, which, among other things, provides each person with the exact amounts of product in our inventory.

...Which, apparently, Dumkopf failed to check before making his idle promises.

Sleep deprivation = new math

I overheard a lady who identified herself as a nurse talking with a store clerk on Friday...
"We worked a double (shift) yesterday, then I had to go over to the ICU to visit Jim. By the time I got home, I had to make the kids' lunches and drive them to school, and now I'm going back to work. Yesterday, I was up for 30 hours..."

While mildly funny at first, I got to thinking about this lady's day. I admire her for her strength and fortitude. And, with the often-stressful conditions of her vocation, each day may indeed feel like 30 hours.

Oops, I did it again!

Today I made a delivery to an area convenience store. I brought in all the product, and then notified the staff there that I needed someone to check me in; that is, to verify all the (correct) items were accounted for. A young clerk of very... er, general appearance, joined me for a walk back to where I had set everything. We ran through the order, and the clerk said, "OK, you're all set to go!"
"Thank you, sir," I mechanically sang...
...And the very moment I had uttered the word "Sir," I thought to myself in that split-second of time, "Uh, oh. I hope that was a 'sir'!" I turned from my work to catch a second glimpse, and when I did, I noticed the name embroidered on the clerk's work shirt, and my worst fear came true.
"Rebecca."

AAAAARRRRGGHHHHHHH!

Mmmmm... Foot... Tasty...

Those who can't lead... Utter nonsense

Today is Election Day. In PA, the race for governor pits incumbent Ed Rendell against former NFL star and political rookie Lynn Swann. Several different polls show Swann trailing substantially, but that doesn't phase the former football standout.
"I'm counting on people to get to the (polling precincts) to vote to defeat the other candidate. The polls have nothing to do with this... Polls don't matter. The only thing that matters are the voters."

...And just who do you suppose the pollsters quizzed to formulate those polls? Hmm... Maybe Swann took one bone-jarring hit too many during his previous career.
*Quote source: WNEP-16's Jon Meyer, reporting from Swann's campaign headquarters.

Win a Stupie, give an encore performance

Today I returned to the same CVS pharmacy that was manned by the uncaring clerk mentioned in our awards presentation. I found it funny that no sooner had I "recognized" her then she returned to her... Um, lack of tact. As I entered with my delivery, the clerk was cashing out a lady that she evidently knew. As the transaction was being completed, they entered into dialogue. The elderly customer lamented, "Last night, I went to the hospice to see William." Shaking her head sorrowfully, she admitted, "He did not look good at all..."
Miss Insightful loudly quipped, "Yeah, that's what they're all there for-- TO DIE!!!"

I thought the pharmacy was supposed to help me feel better!

I suppose, in this case, CVS stands for "Crass, Vulgar and Sarcastic."

The Stupies IV

Thanks for joining us as we recap the best of the worst, via the fourth presentation of the STUPIES! Like we did 100 posts ago, we shall be awarding 3 distinct trophies of distinction to those who have displayed an exorbitant amount of stupidity.
First, the Ignernt Foo' STUPIE, honoring the memory of pop-star Michael Jackson, ("They're just a bunch of ignernt foo's...") is given to an individual who utters the most arrogant and heartless, uh, utterance. Though we had 3 nominees, including the "Man of peace" from 9/28 and the mobile home evictor from 7/27, the winner, hands down, was the pharmacy clerk from 9/15!
Today I went into a local CVS pharmacy, a large, franchised chain of stores. My business (soda delivery) brought me there, but it was an elderly customer which caught my eye and held my attention. She was continually pacing the aisles, looking confused. Finally, she approached the store clerk, and asked, "Excuse me, but where can I find ACE bandages?" Without batting an eye, the clerk shot, "In a hospital?!" ...and walked away...

Next, we present the Cloud of Idiot Gas STUPIE, honoring fellow blogger "Sierra" and the former blog site of the same name. The C.I.G. tags the figure within the public eye who suffers the most acute form of hoofus mouthus. Nominees included Sen. John Kerry ("Education") and Lindsey Wagner ("Getting a good night's sleep"). However, the STUPIE goes to the over-sexed and under-intelligent Brittany Spears!
Spears has offered some very not-so-profound insights into her pregnancy, motherhood and "getting her body back" in a recent People magazine interview. At eight months pregnant --she says she's due "in a month"-- the 24-year-old singer is about to become a mom for the second time in one year. And no, this pregnancy wasn't planned. "It just kind of happened," says Spears, who insists she and husband Kevin Federline, 28, don't know the baby's gender. ( Ah, yes, the Sperminator strikes again!!! "Just kind of happened?" You mean, like the other countless kiddies Kevin's contributed to the world?) With her upbeat outlook-- childbirth "will be a piece of cake," she says cheerfully of her scheduled C-section, the same as her first-- this is a more relaxed, less visibly stressed Brittney than the one who broke down in tears during a June interview with Matt Lauer. Of the media scrutiny following that appearance, she says, "They've said some hurtful things, but you just try to ignore it and keep moving on."(That's right, keep moving on by ignoring parenting skills and continually placing your career ahead of your family, dragging around your tired tikes like a wooden duck on a pull-string!) Now in the home stretch, she is relying on support from her husband (Pshaw! Good luck with that!)

Finally, we have come to the Incredulous Choice STUPIE, granted to the person of my own choice who best exemplifies a complete departure from the world of common sense and coherence. Betting her age is higher than her SAT score, the winner is the gal in the sandwich shop!
As I made a delivery to a small hoagie shop, I took notice of the owner, who was behind the counter, looking exasperated. Meanwhile, a middle-aged woman longingly studied the menu board. I got the idea that these two had been in the same position for quite some time. After a long pregnant pause, accompanied by much eye-rolling of the shopkeeper, the woman hemmed and hawed a bit, then vacantly quizzed, "OK, 'ham and cheese.' Now, what do you mean by that? I mean, what is it made up of?"

And so we come to the end of another STUPIES low-light reel. Keep on coming back for more regular fits of the insane and inane, and join us again in another 100 posts for the quinticentennial edition of the STUPIES!

And lastly, before the STUPIES...

Two words: John Kerry.
Editor's note: I do not agree with most of President Bush's policies, specifically his stubborn stance on the war in Iraq, but I certainly don't advocate saying ridiculously retarded things about it.
John Kerry, in a speech to students in California Monday: "You know, education, if you make the most of it, if you study hard and you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, uh, you, you can do well. If you don't you get stuck in Iraq."
Yes, the not-so-obvious intent of Mr. Kerry is to criticize the Bush administration. Instead, he inadvertently insulted the US Armed Forces.

John, I would hope that with your educational background, you would make a better effort to be smart, because, uh, you, you aren't doing too well right now.

Mistaken ID-a

Pat told me a great story about a relative today...
Seems his cousin "Amelia" isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. First, Pat brought his kids to Amelia's for trick-or-treating last night. Pat waited in the car while his kids went inside to get their booty. His daughter came out with an odd look on her face. She had received a pair of black tights, which was fine, because she's a dancer, but that was accompanied by the universal treat... Ramen noodles?
Why the stinking heck would anyone give a kid Ramen noodles???
Anyhoo, Amelia had just gotten married 3 months ago, but already is separated. Why the sudden change? Turns out marriage wasn't all it was cracked up to be; namely, that she was (still) in debt. She told the family, "I'm getting married because all my debt listed under my maiden name will be forgiven."

Right. Because the IRS will no longer have the clue who you are.