And lastly today, am I in the Twilight Zone???

Since starting my new job as a soda/beverage delivery driver about 2 1/2 months ago, I have certain businesses that have become regular, weekly stops. One of them is a small pizza shop called "Granato's."* One of the other drivers, "Kenny," relinquished that stop about 4 months ago. "Randy" had been delivering Granato's orders for the previous 45 days or so before I took it on. Every time I bring the product in, I say "Hi, how are you doing today?" ...Or something of that nature, so the owner and family have seen me countless times. Last week, out of nowhere, the owner's wife, who works in the kitchen, asked, "Where's Kenny?" I had informed her that Kenny wasn't stopping here anymore, that he had other stops nearby, but it was now part of my route, to which she responded, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh..."
So this week, I once again go to Granato's and was greeted by the owner. Somehow, I knew what was coming... "Hey, where's Kenny? Is he on vacation this week?"

This week??? OK, I think you're the ones on vacation. A permanent mental vacation.

*Name of eatery changed to save them from much-deserved ridicule, and to hide the fact of the existence of this place. If the Board of Health knew they served food, they'd probably shut it down! ...Let's just say that storing beverages in a dark, dusty basement right near an anti-freeze leak probably isn't a good idea!!!

It's just about time for the new and improved (sorry, Pat) STUPIES!!! Keep a close watch on PSST and see the gradiose of gullible... The climax of chaotic... The incomprehension of Incredulous!!! Stay tuned!

Second today: "Heartless" follow-up

I am VERY happy to report that in spite of the severe flooding that took place in Northeastern PA this past week, my boss, "Rob," managed to find another relative to get his father-in-law out of the flood plain and take him to safety. Rob had called a niece, who, though it was quite a distance for her, was kind enough to get dad out of danger. Rob had arranged for a meeting place so that dad could join the rest of the family at a local shelter.
Lo and behold, when Rob arrived at the rendezvous point, stingy bro ("I don't have the gas money") also was there. With much purpose and glee, Rob put dad in the car, then turned to the niece to thank her, and said (with brother's eyes on him) "Thanks. Here's $40 for your troubles." The brother's response? "Oh, MAN! If I had known you were going to give money, I would've gotten him!!!"
Rob said, "That was the best $40 I've ever spent."

Ah, the twisted pleasure of silent scorn...

You-u-u-u.... light up my _______!

...Comfort is so overrated, don't you think? Well, then again, I never had a light bulb stuck up my backside!
Man, I know I really shouldn't laugh, but how in the name of Thomas Edison does this happen to a person? I find it strangely ironic that a man imprisoned for making liquor (illegally) ends up in a state where one would HAVE to be seriously torqued, or else just grossly compliant.
"I don't know who did this to me. Police or other prisoners." Like that's truly important now! Even if your story is true, (The doctor treating Mohammad said he'd never encountered anything like it before, and doubted the felon's story that someone had drugged him and inserted the bulb while he was comatose) does it matter? How on earth do you prevent it from happening again? Here's a suggestion: LOTS of Ex-lax on a daily basis!

What will they insert, er, I mean, think of next???

Heartless beyond belief

I feel for my boss, "Rob." In the midst of the worst flooding northeastern PA has seen in 34 years, Rob has to evacuate his family for the next 2 days. However, amidst all the chaos, he remembered his father-in-law, who's confined to a wheelchair and trapped in his home not far from the raging Susquehanna River. Rob called his brother, who lives about 1 mile from dad-in-law, asking him to pick up dad and take him to his house until Rob got done with work and could take the whole family to safer ground. You know what brother replied?
"Sorry. I don't have the gas money."

...To drive 1 mile??? Why don't you just go ahead and say, "Dad's a burden I can't bear?"

Sadly, at the time of this writing, "Dad's" house is completely inaccessible-- all surrounding roadways are flooded. I pray the Guard can get him out. How can anyone be so cruel?

Sorry, my brain's a bit "coudy"

After a long absence, WNEP-16's chief meteorologist, Tom Clark, has made a dubious return to PSST!
Our area has been trapped in a rain vortex for over a week, and now major flooding throughout the area has begun, shutting down key roadways and communities. Almost 6" of rain has fallen in the past 4 days, and the ground cannot soak in any more water. ...So tell me why Clarkie makes this statement on the news tonight!
"Believe it or not, we're still below the water table in most of the viewing area, after the dry March we had..."

...Ri-i-i-i-i-ight... Tell that to the families who had to evacuate their homes and watch entire towns get submerged!

Dear Abby, from Stupid in Sacramento

Columns like "Dear Abby" have always driven me crazy, and a letter printed in today's newspaper illustrates why. Here's excerpts from "Lindy" in Sacramento:
Dear Abby: "Danny" and I have been together six months. During the first six weeks I was studying in Europe, and when I got back we jumped straight into an intense, time-consuming relationship. Then he asked if he could move in with me. It was all too sudden for me, and I said I wasn't ready. Danny reacted by breaking up with me. Since then, our relationship has been rocky.
Wait a momentary moment! Didn't you just say he broke up with you??? DUH!
...Danny says that he loves me... I need to regain my balance before I can be in a relationship with him again.
Exsqueeze me, but didn't you begin this letter by saying you two have been together for six months?
I want to take a couple of steps back this summer, and... build a foundation. I know Danny is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I'm not ready for that kind of commitment now.
Um, could you BE any more contradicting?!
...Should I give up and walk away, or continue to try to rebuild our relationship?
Dear Lindy: Danny may say that he loves you, but if it is more than lip service, he should be willing to give you the space you need... What you're proposing is reasonable...
HUH??? Say WHAT now???
...and if he can't respect your feelings, you should, indeed, walk away.
What in blue blazes? Is it just me, or am I the only one who sees the OBVIOUS problem here? Lindy wants a boyfriend without the "work." She's continually sending mixed signals to this smothering dude, and then Abby just feeds her fire by pointing out how demanding Danny is???
Can you say, Co-dependent???

Here's my advice for the advice lady: stop screwing up people's lives with blind insight!

Cookie Contradict Confucius

My wife and I enjoyed a Chinese dinner this evening, and of course, as always, we exchanged chuckles over our "fortunes." Mine read, "Depart not from the path which fate has you assigned."
Webster's defines fate as "...An inevitable... outcome, condition or end; final outcome."
Now, if fate is inevitable and pre-determined, how could I deviate from said path?

Obviously, this was not a saying of Confucius. I think maybe it was a quote from his younger brother, Chaosis.

Cranial Rectosis in Calgary

While I'm sure I could post a story from my travels today that would befit this blog, nothing would top what Kris experienced in a DQ parking lot up North...
http://plasticobsession.blogspot.com/2006/06/reasons-14567-and-14568.html
Did you take notice of the focal mental-lapse in this story?
...The older woman again said I hadn't and "GRANTED, I SHOULD HAVE BEEN HOLDING ONTO HIM". Ok, that is the understatement of the century, lady! I proceeded to tell them that they had been blocking my way out of the parking lot and I had waited and shoulder checked but did they REALIZE that the boy was impossible to see because of his height?! Blind spots don't discriminate. They said they had not thought of that.

Aye carumba, eh?

Man, you have GOT to get a LIFE.

My wife and I turned on the Weather Channel last night to find out if I'd be dealing with rain on my delivery route today. Only one problem: there was no weather. The whole team was talking about a solstice party in Cape Cod. The time for a commercial break came...
"Coming up next on the Weather Channel-- continued live team coverage of the first day of summer!!!"

Thanks. I needed a cure for my insomnia!

Over the edge we go! (part 2)

Yesterday, I was making a soda delivery in the sleepy little "city" of Nanticoke, PA. The store was located on a side street, and since there was no parking available there, I stopped my truck caddy-corner to it just off a four-way intersection, with stop signs in all directions. As I unloaded the cases off my truck, I looked up to see 3 teens crossing the street in the crosswalk. Suddenly, a car came screeching up to them. The woman, who I will call "Crosswalk Carrie," opened her car door and got out, yelling many colorful metaphors at the large youths. "Why don't you fucking watch where you're fucking going, asshole shit!!!"
(Interjection: in PA, it's a state law that cars must yield to pedestrians in a crosswalk.)
The apparent leader of the pack just looked over his shoulder and informantly spouted, "We have the right-of-way, fucking lady," while continuing to stride up the sidewalk.
Carrie raged, "Asshole bastards!!! Shut up, you piece of shit!! I don't give a fucking dick what you think!"
The short-statured, 50-something year old female actually took a few menacing steps after them, and now the trio stopped. The top dog coldly vented, "Get back in your car, asshole!!!"
...Which she did, still unleashing a myriad of sailor-speak, slammed her car door, laid on the horn about 5 seconds, and quickly sped off, (in a 25MPH zone) continuing her butchering of the Queen's English the entire time. Oh, and did I mention that while she was carrying on this tirade, traffic was now backed up a half-block behind her vacated vehicle in the middle of the road?

...Maybe it was the heat, who knows, but I still fail to see what causes people to experience this level of road rage... I mean, you failed to yield to those in the right, and then risk your life by chasing after 3 dudes who are each twice your size???

NOT BRIGHT.

Hey, beloved readers, it's almost that time again! Forthcoming shortly, the third, and newly expanded edition of... THE STUPIES! Stay tuned as we hand out three, count 'em, THREE Stupie awards, unofficially sponsored by Chia head and Prozac!

Over the edge we go! (part 1)

While nothing was "said," I got a HUUUUUUUUUUGE laugh out of this story...
What in the name of Mehatma Ghandi??? Obviously, Mr. Kumar has not read his teachings...

I'm not sure which looney story is better, this or "Crosswalk Carrie"?

Another senseless everyday phrase

We all use it... (Yes, me too, and I don't know why!!!)

"Watch your head!"

I can't!!! I'm inside it!!!

Wow, justice really IS blind

This story really makes me shake my head and say, "What is WRONG with people today???" Admittedly, as a home-school parent, my viewpoint is a bit biased, but how can anyone reconcile the statements in the key paragraph of this article?
Home School Legal Defense Association Attorney Chris Klicka contacted the court and explained the error, but the judge simply stated, "He doesn't know the law in Michigan." This is in spite of the fact that Klicka provided the judge with extensive information concerning the history and laws in Michigan and the battle for the right to homeschool that he had been involved in for over eight years, and that he worked on the case that went before the Supreme Court of Michigan. *bold type added for emphasis.
How on EARTH did this dude get himself elected??? You don't know the laws of Michigan??? Heck, how did you even pass the bar? You admit (by default) that you haven't read key affidavits pertaining to the case, that you care absolutely nothing about the pain and suffering that you are causing this family, and that you don't spend important time reading key legal documents which you are required to have full understanding of before you put on your holy robe and powdered wig to sit behind the bench?
Amazing. Career criminals are getting slaps on the hand left and right in this country, (pathetical short stints of "probation") roaming free to commit acts of atrocity against society, but you're gonna string along a family over a misunderstanding and $3500?!?

Stuff like this just absolutely sickens me...

Unfortunate phone number

A local dentist, in an attempt to garner more business, obtained a toll-free number, thinking what's "cute" and memorable would encourage potential and existing patients to call. However, his choice in personified numbers is questionable at best:
1 (800) 866-8422.
1 (800) TOOTHACHE.

Sorry, but I have no desire to have my teeth cleaned by someone who identifies himself with a toothache! Is this some sort of prophecy???

Another version of "No duh!"

In my travels today, I passed by an old gas station that has long been vacant and boarded up. Apparently, the owner closed up in a hurry, because he/she just enclosed the gas pumps in a cube of plywood. What was funny, however, was the spray-painted sign right next to each pump:
"NO GAS."

Gee, I'm really glad we have that cleared up because I was all ready to fill 'er up, and I didn't feel like driving 2/10 of a mile down the road to the next available station!!!

I thought nurses were supposed to make you feel BETTER!

My wife took my son to the ENT specialist today. While they were awaiting their turn, a member of the nursing staff come out into the waiting room to call the next patient... "Mr. Jones?"
Jonesey got up and followed the nurse. She asked, "How are you today, Mr. Jones?"
"Pretty good," he politely answered.
Indignantly, the nurse exclaimed, "Well, that can't be true You're HERE!!!"
Not missing a beat, Mr. Jones blandly joked, "OK, yesterday, then!"

Hats off to Mr. Jones for showing the nursing staff that humans ARE capable of having feelings and a sense of humor!

P marks the spot

Here's another lovely contribution from Roland Sweet's "News Quirks..."
Bioengineer Richard Deutsch invented a talking urinal to warn men not to drive drunk. According to the Washington Times, the Wizmark interactive urinal communicator is a motion-sensitive, battery-operated device about the size of a pine-scented sanitizer. Its miniature screen delivers a 15-second announcement to anyone using it, recommending, "Maybe it's time to call a cab or call a sober friend for a ride home." Encouraged by the response to the Wizmark, Deutsch said he has also developed a "sit-down" version for women's restrooms.

The Wizmark interactive urinal communicator??? Sounds like something used in "Star Trek" when the crew has had too much Romulan ale...
Are you cereal??? Some drunk comes staggering into the bathroom, and you expect this guy to take notice, let alone read, a message that he is urinating on??? "What's this? May... may-beee..... errrrrrrrr... Maybe it's... ti-i-i-i-i-i-i-ime.... Frhbvvvlllll... Oh, what the bloody hell?"

I'm really, really, REALLY hoping the sit-down version won't be placed IN the toilet tank... 'Nuff said!

Getting more bang for your jerk

Today's PSST post is brought to you courtesy of Roland Sweet's "News Quirks." All items collected by Mr. Sweet come from various press clippings from around the globe and are verified as authentic before he puts them to print...
Accused of lobbing a home-made bomb at his girlfriend in Rougemont, NC, Otis Cecil Wilkins, 45, insisted he was actually aiming at a beaver dam but pleaded guilty anyway. Witnesses said the bomb exploded "in a large fireball" but then rolled back toward Wilkins, igniting his shorts. He spent more than a week at a hospital burn center. "I ain't no terrorist," Wilkins told sheriff's investigators. "It was just a little bit of black powder. It was just a little boom thing."

A little boom? Seems to me your lower extremities experienced "The big bang!"

No habla Ingles? ...No artery clogger for you!

There are two extremes that this "Immigration pendulum" swings toward. One is the "Day Without Immigrants" protests. The other is located in Philadelphia at Geno's Steaks.

http://www.phillyburbs.com/pb-dyn/news/103-06092006-667618.html

I agree with Vento to quite an extent, but why would you risk losing business and enduring a political inferno just to make a point? A pretty stupid thing to do, as is Juntos's entertaining legal action. ...Actually, I qualify Juntos's considered course to be more vindictive than stupid.
Being a moderate, I think it's time for both sides of the issue to stop playing stubborn games and be more tolerant-- Vento needs to be willing to accommodate someone who doesn't speak English, and the Latino community needs to be more willing to assimilate into American culture instead of attempting to subdue it.

JMHO!!!

The "gift" that keeps on giving

A local doctor in my area, Dr. Moro (Interruption: please keep in mind that his name is missing a letter!) recently demonstrated why people skills are NOT his forte! Dr. Moro has a long-standing tradition of blowing off his patient's complaints/symptoms and telling them they're fine. He also has an established tradition of offering and performing rectal exams. You've got eczema? Rectal. A touch of the flu? Rectal. A festering cold sore? Yep, you guessed it, rectal. ...GROSS!!!!! Ah, but it turns out there's a reason (beyond a fetish) he does that...
A friend of the family went to Dr. Moro to have him check on a persistent pain in her elbow. True to form, Moro gave A... complete physical. Why our friend didn't claim her patient's right and say, "No thank you," I'm not sure, but anyway... The examination complete, our friend went to the receptionist to write a check for her co-pay. Moro's exam fee is $35. Imagine this gal's surprise when she was told the cost was $75.
"Why did his rate go up so much?" she inquired.
"Ma'am, you received a FULL physical examination. The fee is $75," she was told. After much protest, Moro himself (still missing a letter) came out and rudely addressed our friend. She was so dismayed that she refused to pay, and stormed out of the office.
A couple of days later, she contacted her lawyer, and obtained a letter addressed to Moro, along with a check for $35. Moro sent the check back with a note, "Still awaiting correct payment." Friend sent the check back to Moro, with a note, "Your exam fee is $35; please note enclosed check in that amount." Again, Moro returned the check.
Now, wouldn't it make logical sense, if you're a doctor and awaiting payment due for services, wouldn't you accept the check and just send a bill for $40???

Dr. Moro, I see an "N" in your future...

Brainless businessman

Here's a lovely story about the owner of a "Hot dawg hut" (as he calls it) getting in over his head when he was robbed Sunday evening.
You're kidding, right, Bob? You have a couple hundred ripped out of your cash register, and instead of chalking it up as a temporary loss until police could deal with the matter, you allow a huge amount a damage to be done to your luxury SUV, PLUS now you've got medical costs, too?

"It's not the brightest thing to do," Bolus said the day after the incident.

Ah, so it took you a whole day to figure that one out, Bobby? It's financial mishaps like this which probably explain why you're not mayor of Scranton!
(Background note: In 2002, Mr. Bolus ran for mayor, even though every legal expert around told him that even if he won, he couldn't serve as mayor due to a past criminal record, yet he poured in thousands of dollars into a campaign anyway. ...And lost in a landslide.)

...Where you can go

I have heard the stories of a particular little hamlet about an hour northwest of Detroit, MI, but I never knew you could find out so much info about it! Take the time to peruse over this cute little site, serving as a tourism tease! It's worth it!

www.hell2u.com

...Not that anything on this site is "stupid," per se; it's just really odd!

And to think I have to work this Tuesday. I'm gonna miss a party in Hell!

Knowledge doesn't equal communication

Our local library offers many different activities for the area children which serves as educational, as well as fun, supplements to their education. Each event requires the parent(s) to register the kids, so this past weekend, my wife called the library...
MRS. I: Hi, I'd like to register my children for the reptiles workshop on June 18th.
LIBR#1: OK, hold on one moment, and I'll connect you with someone who can help you with that. (What? Why can't you?)
...Ten minutes later, Mrs. I is still on hold and surmises they forgot to pass along the request, so she hangs up and calls back.
MRS. I: Hi, I'd like to register my children, etc, etc...
LIBR#2: Absolutely, let me get your information...
Five minutes later, the kids are registered.
Two hours later, the phone rings.
*Beep!* LIBR#1: Mrs. I, I apologize. I put you on hold, and I honestly forgot you were on the line. If you'd like to register your children for an event, please call me back and I'll assist you with that. (Then why couldn't you in the first place?)
Shortly after the call, we decided to go to the library, being it was a rainy day and the kids were climbing the walls. Upon entry into the facility, my wife is approached by LIBR#1: Mrs. I, I am SO sorry I left you on hold...
MRS. I: That's OK. I figured you just got busy, so I hung up and called back and got the kids registered.
LIBR#1: Well, nobody told me THAT!

Ah, yes, the public library system. A well-oiled machine. NOT!

General Tsao's with a side of blindness

My buddy Pat and I met for lunch last week as we both completed our delivery routes at about the same time. It was at a Chinese restaurant that I deliver to every week. (Ironically, Pat had this route before I did, so both of us were regular "visitors to this eatery.) We sat down, in our uniforms with the RC cola/Canada Dry logo emblazoned across our shirts. The waiter came to our table and asked us what we would like to drink. Pat asked for a soda while I specifically asked for an RC. The waiter replied, "Sorry, we don't have Coke or Pepsi. Only RC."

He-llooo??? Have you noticed our shirts? Better yet, do we seem a bit familiar to you???

Hmm. I guess the dragon-lantern lights make patrons look different than vendors.

Billboard bungle

In my travels today, I noticed an odd advert on a billboard. Now, I know it was for a local law firm, but to somebody just passing through might think, "HUH???"
Dog and animal bites. LaBarbera and Kelleher.*

I can see it now. A man enters an office and says, "Yes, I'd like a dog bite, please."
* Name of law firm changed so I don't get my butt sued off!