2nd today: Confusious without subtlety

After recently ingesting some Chinese take-out, I opened my fortune cookie to read, "You are about to become $8.95 poorer. ($6.95 if you had the buffet.)"

Imagine if Chinese fortune cookies came with every consumer service...
GAS STATION: "You are about to give our CEO a new Lexus."
POST OFFICE: "You'll never get a confirmation of this package being delivered, because it will be stuck under a conveyor belt in our Des Moines facility for the next 2 years."
IRS: "You're screwed."
TOLL ROADS: "Just wait til you see how many potholes are in our road next time."
INSURANCE COMPANY: "Get ready to choose a new family doctor next year, because we have no intention of paying your claim."
CREDIT CARD: "You're such a valued customer, your interest rate just went up to 30.99% APR."
CABLE COMPANY: "Tough luck. There's STILL nothing worth watching."
DOCTOR: "You have the sniffles? Ohh. Looks like we're gonna have to do a rectal exam."

Ooooh, what a feeling!

"Always," huh?

Webster's dictionary says:
Always \'ol-wez adv 1: at all times: INVARIABLY 2: FOREVER, PERPETUALLY
Having established that, I have a real problem with Verizon's latest ad campaign, "It's on..."
The ad flashes on the TV, "Always on" as a man voices, "It's on... Even when the power goes out!" Then, at the end of the ad in teeny, tiny sub-type, or, on the radio, in the legal disclaimer, "Length of service may vary depending on the length of power outage."

Well, then, that's NOT "always," IS IT!!!

NOT your territory!

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER:
Today's post is in regards to a gross error in judgment made by a spokesman from the Church of Jesus Christ/Latter-Day Saints. I am not "slamming" any one's faith; this is just another example about how the Church in America, regardless of denomination, brazenly enters realms that do NOT belong to them. If you are likely to be offended by this post, do not read on. However, it is my hope to stimulate rational thinking, and that the reader should realize that I am not "poking fun" at the LDS; rather, I am only pointing out that people should always keep church in its place and business in theirs.
Oh, come ON. You CAN'T be serious. Here's another case (from the AP) on... treading where angels fear to tread, pardon the pun.
Mormon church objects to angel T-shirt
TAYLORSVILLE, Utah - For a coffee shop, T-shirts of a Mormon angel with java flowing into his trumpet are selling well. But they don't have the blessing of religious leaders.
The shirts have upset the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Not only is Moroni a revered figure — Mormons believe he appeared to church founder Joseph Smith — but LDS members are discouraged from drinking coffee.
The shirts show the angel Moroni, a male figure in a robe blowing a trumpet. The trumpet is turned up at an angle as coffee is poured in.
"They've been the best-selling T-shirts we've ever done," said Just Add Coffee co-owner Ed Beazer.
The church informed Beazer that the angel's image is a registered trademark.
"If they provide proof, we're going to comply," Beazer said. "We don't want to break any laws or anything."
Just Add Coffee put the image on greeting cards about a year ago and started selling the shirts before Christmas. Moroni also appeared in ads that caught the church's attention.
Church spokesman Scott Trotter said the image is a trademark.
"It was a spoof," Beazer said. "It was meant to be fun."
OK. Here's the low-down on this. First, if you are a practising member of the LDS church, you can't ingest caffeine, anyway. So why should a coffee house's advertisement technique get your undies in a bunch? It would be like my getting all contorted out of shape anytime someone uses the phrase, "Dancing with the devil."
Second, and most seriously, Scott Trotter has the audacity to attempt to put a revenue-yielding trademark on an angelic being? Gee, Scott, did you get Jesus's permission for that? I'm sure the powerful and ordained Moroni would just be thrilled to know that someone wants to use him for personal gain.

Just more proof that the church (again, REGARDLESS of denomination) needs to keep their pious noses out of the business world.
CLOSING DISCLAIMER:
Remember, this post was not an attempt to poke fun at a faith-group, rather to simply point out an error. When I have attained perfection, I will no longer post the stupid things I do and say.

Service with a shove out the door

I met my brother last night in Binghamton, NY (our old stomping grounds) at Cracker Barrel. Being that this was the first time we had seen each other in 3 years, we planned to enjoy our visit, with a nice dinner included.
We were courteously seated, and given menus. Immediately, the waitress asked, "Would you like something to drink, or do you know what you want?" After responding that we'd need a few minutes to look over the menu, the waitress left us alone. ...For all of 90 seconds. "Have you decided yet?"
This was our first indication that this particular eatery had adopted the "revolving door" theory to service. (In other words, get the people in, serve them promptly, get them out, get the next people in, etc...)
Because we are just that kind of people, bro and I decided to draw things out for as long as we possibly could. After all, the place was not very busy, and we had a lot of catching up to do!
After receiving our orders, the waitress approached us about every 5 minutes. "...Everything OK here? Can I get you anything else? How are you doing?" Despite our assurances that the food was good, and so on, she seemed rather unsettled that two middle-aged, semi-long-haired men would just sit around a dinner table and just talk. After about a half-hour, the odd-looking manager came out (he kind of reminded me of a shopkeeper in the Andy Griffith Show) and inquired, "Is everything OK here? Is it to your satisfaction?" He looked like he would faint if we had the slightest negative thing to say... I felt like saying something totally off the wall, like, "Well, you know, these seats really aren't that comfortable. I think I have a wedgie."
A scant 2 minutes later, our waitress returned. Again. "How is everything? Are you alright?"
(A confession, bro. I only ordered that apple pie just to annoy the bejeezus out of her. Mmmm... SCRUMPTIOUS! Pie always tastes better with someone seething nearby!)

My critique: cleanliness, 4.5 stars. Food, 3.5 stars. Customer Service Index: looks like somebody owes me a constellation of stars!

And now, something for the kiddies

Recently, police in the small borough of Plymouth, PA made a drug bust and arrested a man for possession and intent to deliver. The man claimed the stuff was for him only, for medicinal purposes. Police seized 199, yes, 199 marijuana plants, plus several large garbage bags filled with dried leaves and a ton of equipment for lighting and irrigating. (Yeah, he was only using them "for making tea and taking baths in it.")
Uh-huh.
The funny picture captured by WNEP-16 news cameras was the inside of the Plymouth police barracks crammed full of pot plants, stacked neatly in many, many rows in front of a plain white wall, whose blandness was interrupted only by a bright red sign...
"NO SMOKING."

What an interesting correlation!
Brought to you by D.A.R.E....

Ignorance is bliss. Arrogance is stupid. Beligerance is worthy of a slap upside the head.

As I was driving from delivery point to delivery point, I had to stop at a small deli in the hell that is Wilkes-Barre, PA. The street was cluttered with piles of snow from the 12" that fell last weekend, and it was much too dangerous to attempt backing out of their teensy parking lot onto a state road, so I parked in front of the entrance to the lot, seeing as how the deli had just opened up, and no customers had arrived yet. I quickly unloaded the goods, took the stuff inside, and exited the door, only to be met by the co-owner of the business, who was walking from her house just up the street. She asked of me, "Hi. If you wouldn't mind, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't park in front of the lot. Just pull in next time."
Simple enough. "Oh, I'm sorry. Will do," I complied.
As if she didn't hear me, she continued. "Yeah, we really need to keep the entry way clear, so don't park right in front of the lot."
Again, I re-iterated, "No problem. I'll do that."
It was as if I were telling to go to heck. Now she started yelling, "I mean, what's wrong with you? Why would you park your truck there? Who do you think you are...?"
Basta ya! Having reached the breaking point, I jabbed, "I said, 'OK!' Now, that is enough!"
Still, she kept on berating me. Seeing that Jezebel had nothing on this loon, I turned my back and got into my truck, with her bellowing after me.

Sure, hold on one moment, ma'am, while I hop into my time machine, travel back to 3 minutes ago and magically cause my truck to not get pulled up in front of the parking lot.Oh, wait. I have to make sure I confer with Professor Hawking to make sure my mathematical/astral computations are correct, first.
Would you believe she had the audacity to call my boss and complain? Odd. My boss took my side.

Much, much too late for that!

There's only one thing more maddening than someone who rashly acts out without thinking, and that's a someone who rashly acts out without thinking and then wonders if what they did was right or wrong.
The following excerpts come from an AP story about a twisted and unfortunate love triangle.
Affair With Teacher Leads to Slaying
By DUNCAN MANSFIELD
KNOXVILLE, Tenn. (March 17) - In a tragic twist to a familiar story, a teenager who had sex with his married 30-year-old teacher was fatally shot outside the woman's home, and authorities have charged the woman's husband.
"You see all this stuff with teachers involved with their students. It just comes up time after time on the national news," said Norman McLean, father of suspect Eric McLean. "Well, this is the first time where one has actually died over it." McClean's wife, Erin, had completed half of a one-year teaching internship at West High School, where she met the 18-year-old Sean Powell last fall.
Norman McLean said his son, once a percussionist in the University of Tennessee marching band, put his own academic career on hold to support his family while his wife of 11 years pursued a graduate teaching degree from the University of Tennessee. He has worked as a pizza deliveryman while taking classes at the university.
On the evening of March 10, (Eric) McLean called police to say an intruder was at the couple's home. About 7 minutes later, Erin... called back to say her husband had just shot Powell outside in the boy's car.
The attorney for Eric McLean, 31, acknowledges that McLean killed Powell. "So this trial is going to be about what really did happen and why _ not who," attorney Bruce Poston said. Poston said McLean is in a "state of shock. Like watching a deer caught in the headlights. Literally wondering, 'Have I made a decision that will ruin the rest of my life as well as others?'"

Gee, I don't know, Eric. I'm not sure Powell's family have had their lives shattered by your quick-tempered solution to the situation or not. Hmm. What do your cell-mates tell you???

To pee or not to pee?

Strange things are afoot in the American skies... Thanks to the A-pee (ha!ha!) for this contribution of outstanding journalism. Or not.
Airline Apologizes to Man Who Urinated in Bag
AP
SALT LAKE CITY (March 17) - SkyWest Airlines apologized to a passenger who said he wasn't allowed to use the restroom during a one-hour flight and ended up urinating in an air-sickness bag.
James Whipple said he had two "really big beers" at the Boise, Idaho airport. While on a flight to Salt Lake City on March 7 he wanted to use the cabin restroom. The captain had declared it off-limits during the short flight because a light wasn't working. Whipple said he had used the cabin restroom before the plane departed but had to go again and finally reached for the air-sickness bag.
"It was like I had no choice," Whipple told The Salt Lake Tribune, which posted the story on its Web site Friday. No other passengers noticed Whipple using the bag, but a flight attendant asked him about it and told the captain, who called airport police.
Whipple was questioned and took a taxi home to Sandy, a Salt Lake City suburb. The airline sent him a letter of apology and a flight voucher, SkyWest spokeswoman Sabrena Suite-Mangum said Friday.
"You had no choice?" Oh, I see. So you were forcibly coerced into downing a couple of tall, cool ones before boarding?

I do have to applaud this man in his semi-inebriated state for his ingenuity. It beats urinating all over the floor, leaving the airline with a puddle to clean up. And, of course, the bag is "for motion discomfort!" After all, I'd be uncomfortable, too, with a couple of XXL brewskies sloshing around in my kidneys.

2nd today: Classic 7up or New 7up?

I delivered beverages to a nearby grocery store this last Wednesday. Not only am I responsible for bringing the product, but also for stocking the shelves at this store. They were bare! As such, when I wheeled out the goods onto the sales floor, many people asked me, "Could you hand me such-and-such?" ...Which I don't mind, so long as people aren't having a mental embolism. And they often do!
Case in point: I brought out 12-pack cans of Diet 7up. A lady asked me, "Do you have any of the regular diet 7up?" I offered her one of the 12-packs on my cart.
"No, I want the regular diet up."
Hesitantly, I stuttered, "This is it, ma'am."
She defied, "No, that has lemon in it."
Puzzled, but politely, I pointed, "Yes... Diet 7up has always had lemon in it."
Amazed, she did a double take and blurted, "Really???"
In an attempt to dissolve any tension, I said, "Yeah. I remember those ads when I was a kid, 'That great ly-mon taste.'" (Come to think of it, I think that's Sprite, but I know 7up always mentioned lemon and lime being in their drink.)
After a reflective pause, a sour expression crossed her face, and she shot, "Wow. I don't like lemon..."

Ah, yes, the Un-cola. Perfect for the un-aware.

In honor of Brian Regan

In order to fully appreciate this, refer to www.brianregan.com.
Sometimes, we say things blindly, without any thought or cognisance. Yesterday, I encountered such an event.
I was completing a delivery, and upon getting the product checked in, I received the signature on the invoice from the store clerk. I closed by saying, "I appreciate it!"
"You too!"

Misuse of the "You too" phrase #314875923425.3856!

Just a few more posts before PSST goes under a major revamping! Starting with post #501, the name "People Say Stupid Things" will be changed to "Nullum Cerebellum Bumboli," which loosely translated, means "No More Brain Farts!" This way, we can expand our scorn on various expressions of stupidity, not just audible ones. Update your links!

Stink Patrick's Day

Have people nothing better to talk about? 'Parently not!
The city of Scranton, PA, hosted their big drunk-fest, er, I mean, St. Patty's parade this past Saturday. (Supposedly, it's the third-largest shamrock celebration in the nation.) Many folks--myself included-- don't really care to venture downtown on that day, because what once was a family event is now nothing but a big, unending kegger, with bars opening up at 9:00. AM. By the time the parade starts at 11:30, most spectators are more blasted than an alien in Space Invaders.
Our local news-station, WNEP-16, has a unique little feature on their website (wnep.com) called "Talkback Online," in which people can post threads about a variety of topics covered on the news. I expected discussion about the parade and its unpleasantries, but I didn't expect a certain specific to be hung out like dirty laundry, no pun intended. The following are excerpts of posts, verbatim.
"Does any one know what the smell at the parade was? It was all over town! It smelled like urine or strong smelling flowers." Wow. time to get your sniffer checked!
I was at work on Saturday and when we would go outside I kept on saying, what is that smell. It was very odd. I really thought that I was the only one that was smelling it. Maybe it was all of the Beer mixed in with that downtown Scranton smell. ...And how does downtown smell compared to, say, West side?
We smelled that funky smell, too. After walking for a while and smelling it often, we wondered if it was the sewers. Wait. We've gone from strong-smelling flowers to sewage?
I left work early because I could not stand to smell it and watch the behavior!
How can something smell like urine or strong flowers? I find this description confusing. Couldn't agree with you more!
I do not go to the parade, I watch it on tv, I smell nothing bad. ...Except yourself?
...and the smell, some people has cans of spray that smelled like skunk... Urine, skunk, flowers, what's the difference? Apparently, none!
Aaaaaall-righty, then. We have firmly established that Scranton reeks on Parade Day. But what a potpourri of descriptions about the odor!

My favorite post had nothing to do with the reported odiferousness, however...
I think the bars should not be allowed to open so early and sell the drinks as fast as possible and for people to become drunk and stupid.

Excuse me-- BECOME stupid? No, I'm sure they were stupid way before they arrived for the festivities. The alcohol definitely augments the lack of intelligence, however. So, more accurately, "...people to become drunk and stupider."

Nullum Ignoramus

I was in the midst of delivering product to a hole-in-the-wall convenient store in a tiny, rural town today. They have virtually no parking lot, so I had to place my truck in front of the diesel pump while I filled the cooler inside. Lo and behold, Redneck Rudy waltzes in the store and bellows, "Hey, is Canada Dry Dude almost done?"
Normally, I'd offer to move my truck, but not when faced with an intellectual vacuum accompanied with an attitude. (Also, where would I move it to?) Instead, I set down my product, and said to him, "I'll be done soon."
Foxworthy-wanna-be arrogantly quipped, "When?"
Irritated, I shot an apathetic "I don't know."
Not missing a beat, the cranial enigma spat, "How long is 'I don't know'?"

Don't have a strong grasp on the English language, do you, fella?

Wow! Double whammy!

Legal obviously needed to print the following info for a reason. Whoever fell victim to this stuff-- man, it sucks to be you!
Warning placed on Scotch brand Maximum Strength Adhesive:
DANGER: EXTREMELY FLAMMABLE EYE IRRITANT. Read carefully other precautions (in teeny, tiny type, I might add) on back panel.

AAAAGHHH! I can't read the back. My eye's on fire!!!

How may I endanger you today?

Today I drove my beverage truck to an area grocery store (privately-owned) to make a delivery. I have one of those trucks that has bay doors on the side, as opposed to a big truck with a single door on the back. I had quite a lot of product, which my loaders had set in my truck on pallets. I entered the store, and asked the receiver if I could use their forklift to pull off the pallets and bring them inside the dock. Like a complete doofus, the receiver said, "Sure."
I say he's a doofus because he left out one VERY important piece of information. Read on.
I started the forklift, and proceeded off the dock toward my truck, which sat on a slight downward slope. As I attempted to position the lift accordingly, I suddenly found out what the missing piece of info was.
No brakes.
(A forklift typically weighs over a ton. The split-second prospect of hurtling toward a 10-ton truck on a 1-plus-ton lift was most unsettling, especially when it came to my physical well-being.)
So here I am, about to crash into my truck. All I had time to do was hold on and cut the wheel hard, so that I struck my truck with the side of the lift without doing any damage.
*KA-BOOM!!!*
I was unhurt, but quite agitated, as doofus came running out, hollering, "Hey! What are you doing???"
"What am I doing??" I raged. "Why didn't you tell me this piece of crap had no brakes?!?"
After a long, vacant pause, he muttered, "Oh, yeah, I should've told you..."

With help like this, I think I can safely assume this store is never going to be competing with the Kroger's of the world.

Determined to destuction

Today's post comes from News Quirks, a compilation of news clippings by Roland Sweet. Where do they find these people???
Police who pulled over Patrick Allain, 35, for drunk driving in Manchester, NH, said the man continued drinking a 40-ounce bottle of beer while he was being arrested. "You can charge me with whatever you want," officers said he told them. "It's not going to stop me from drinking and driving."
TRIPLE WHAMMY!!!
1) "It's not going to stop me"??? The charges might, but incarceration will.
2) Yo, doughnut aficionados! Take the stinking bottle away from the dude!!!
3) Obviously, this guy has such an acute case of cranial rectosis that he doesn't care who he hurts/ maims/ endangers/ kills. I'm definitely not taking my family on a trip to Manchester!

As my grandfather once said, "Some people just need a good swift punch in the head..."