Not easily confused, eh?!

My supervisor's a complete moron, plain and simple.
Today, my department was having a ton of trouble keeping up with the order pickers, partly due to the fact that "Jan" took 2 of my department members out to do other "Non-value added" work. (...It's a business term for work that does not directly contribute to placing the product in the hands of the customers.)
All throughout the day, we got bombarded for "Emergency requests" for garments that I was preparing to place in the hands of the stocker, who would carry the garment to its designated location. The procedure for such a matter is to check the computer for the inventory totals. If a garment is being prepped for a move to its pick location, it will read "Incoming." In such an event, the picker sets aside that order request until the garment is in place.
Apparently, Jan didn't understand this extremely basic point of inventory, because she kept sending us emergencies. Finally, Jan came back to hand me 7 MORE emergencies.
"5 of these are on the stocking line right now. Why are you requesting these?" I voiced.
"Well, they're coming in as negative amounts on inventory," Jan tried to justify.
"Yeah, they're negative because that order has been processed into the system while the garment has not. If you just wait a few minutes, the stuff will be in stock!" I explained.
Jan just didn't get it. "Well, the system says we need it, so that's why I put in the requests."

And thank YOU for creating extra work for me when I'm already behind! D'OH!!!!

Supplemental to "Anti-leadership"

The day after my absence from work due to illness, "Jan" once again gathered the troops for the daily update, covering the pertinent numbers. Suddenly, she stopped. She glared at the paper with the info written on it, and looked completely perplexed.
"No, this can't be right," she stammered. "OK, well, I'll give you all the correct number later, because this isn't right. You know, I don't get easily confused."

OH, REALLY? Where was I yesterday, Jan??? Oh, yeah, YOU DON'T KNOW!!!

I almost choked on the blood gushing from my tongue as I bit hard upon it.

Follow-up: Later this same day, I asked if a truck was coming in, because again, she hadn't checked her E-mail.
"I think so. 'Phil' told me one was coming in. Let's go check!"

Duh! Like I hadn't already thought of/ done that!

With an admitted smirk on my face, I followed her to the bay door. She opened it, and saw that the trucking company had pulled away the empty trailer without replacing it with a full one, the same detection I had made earlier. (Normally, the company brings a full trailer and "exchanges" it with the empty one.)
Bewildered, Jan cried, "Why did they do that? Do you know why they did that?"

Do I look like a member of the trucking company? Who knows? Well, maybe I do, since we all know you DON'T GET EASILY CONFUSED!!

The new and improved English

Last night at Wal-mart, I observed a young couple completing their shopping, heading toward the check-out lane. The gal was pushing the cart, which was about 1/2 full, while the guy was walking alongside. As they noticed that just about every check-out line had about 7 or 8 people waiting in it, the guy suddenly goes to the front of the cart and yanks on it...
Gal: What are you doing?
Guy nods his head toward the short "20 items or less" lanes.
Gal: No, we can't do that. We're not expressible.

That may be, but I can say your vocabulary is most unique...

And the second STUPIE goes to....

..."At least I'm not 'full of sit!'"

"Wow! I feel cheesy!"
"You ARE cheesy!"

Just what every young woman wants to hear!
Thanks to the Burger King company for proving when you work in marketing, you can always get away with...
A) being a chauvinist
B) employing corny humor in everyday life
C) anonymity
D) getting paid by being one-dimentional
E) all of the above.

If you guessed "E," you're cheesy, er, I mean, right!

Thanks for your participation! Only 100 posts to go until the STUPIE raises its ugly head once again!

Anti-leadership

My shift supervisor isn't exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer. This week, "Jan" displayed the most crystallizing examples of proving that point, in two separate instances.
First: Upon completion of our daily update Monday morning, Jan failed to mention whether or not we would be receiving a truck full of garments, so I went to ask her before going to my department to attend to the day's work. (After all, receiving is part of my job responsibility.)
"Are we expecting a truck today?" I inquired.
"I don't know," she blandly offered. "Truthfully, I didn't even check my E-mail to find out."
Isn't that your job?
A little more than an hour later, Jan came back to my department. She asked, "Did we get a truck?"
Stunned, I replied, "No, not to this point. So we are expecting one today?"
"Well, I'm not sure," she feebly stammered.
Oy ve!

And in a second episode, Wednesday, I was forced to call off due to a nasty stomach virus. I left a message at 4:00 AM with the building supervisor. (Granted, he may not have delivered said message to Jan, however...)
The phone rang at 10:00 PM, and my caller ID told me it was work, so I picked up. The second-shift super, "Wynona," who is a LOT more coherent and competent, called to tell me that OT had been cancelled for the following day. "Jan would have called you, but she didn't even realize you weren't here until the end of the day."
WHAT??? OK, there's only 40 employees per shift, and only 5 in my department. You're honestly telling me you are incapable of monitoring when someone is absent from my department, reducing the work-force by 20%?!?

Great job, Jan. I feel so inspired.

News anchors away! (Please?)

Recently, I was watching a local news broadcast, and had to laugh when the substitute anchor read then lead-in...
"Police in Lackawanna County (PA) converge upon a wooded area in Throop (the town) to investigate a mysterious shooting. That story right next on WYOU. But first, officials fight a spectacular fire..."

Dude, just stick to the teleprompter. That's what it's there for!

Due to a major sickness to my personage, the STUPIE award has been postponed until tomorrow. Stay tuned!

Dr.Incredulous's Diagnosis: Acute Cranial Rectosis

I have previously mentioned that one thing which supposedly takes place at my place of employment is that once the order pickers empty out a box in location, they cut it flat and place it on a blue cart, where later it's taken to the cardboard baler. However, one of my co-workers, "Marissa," is a bit lazy about this and lays flat boxes on the floor all over the place. Today I caught her in the act. I asked her, "Could you please take the boxes to one of the blue carts? It's a safety hazard, plus it creates extra work for me, since I'm always the one picking them up!"
Her response floored me, and I could hardly believe my ears. "Yeah, I know."

So, what do things look like inside your backside?

And now, Dumb Inventions!

I'm sure most of you have seen the 60-second TV ad for Pasta Express, the latest psycho gadget for the kitchen. Here's something that's supposed to make prep of spaghetti so much easier! But wait, and "listen" between the lines. (This isn't word-for-word, but the gist is there...)
"Do you love homemade spaghetti but hate the hassle? Waiting for that big pot of water to boil, and then breaking all that spaghetti in half to make it fit... Now there's Pasta Express!... Just dump in the uncooked spaghetti, and then add boiling water... Pasta Express heats the water perfectly!"

So, in other words, you STILL have to wait around for water to boil first, and then once you add it, it's not hot enough, because Pasta Express heats the water? Thanks, I'll just keep my $19.95 plus S&H! After all, that's what I'm paying to not break my spaghetti in half, which makes it easier for the kids to eat anyway. How truly INconvenient!

Silence is golden, ignorance is BS

Today, I was sitting at work with my other co-workers as we ate lunch. In the background, the TV was on with the local news report. The news anchor rehashed the blunders made by FEMA and the federal gov't at large during the Katrina disaster. "Brianna" pipes up and spouts, "You know, I'm so sick of hearing about those people. They sit there and complain about living in a motel room--"
I interrupted, "Most of those folks were forced to leave the hotels because FEMA stopped paying for their rooms."
Brianna continued her verbal assault. "Yeah, and I can't stand hearing them complain, 'I got no home, I got no home.' If it's that bad, then MOVE already!"
That was enough for me. I got quite agitated, due in part to the fact that I once was briefly homeless. (That experience will change anyone's perspective!) "How are they gonna move? That requires money, something they don't have! Where do you expect them to move to???"

The silence that followed was truly wonderful.

Little gets me truly upset, but lack of sympathy for the down-trodden raises my ire big time!

What have you got up your... Shirt?

Blog of reference for this story: "Somethin's Goin' Down!" 12/19/2005. Take the time to read this!
"Dee" strikes again!
The woman who had McDonald's wrappers and other trash shoved up her shirt proves that a leopard doesn't change their spots.
My buddy Pat was delivering soda in a local K-mart and "ran into" Dee in the store. Well, Dee didn't see Pat, actually. Dee, who I previously mentioned was a large, unkempt and unsavory individual, was walking at a rapid clip, which was totally unlike her. This aroused Pat's curiosity, so he set his delivery aside and followed Dee ata a distance. The other thing which was odd was that Dee was wearing a long trenchcoat...
Pat shadowed Dee to the clothing department, where she reached to pick up a garment, and, imagine that, all sorts of garbage fell out of her shirt! De ja vu!
Pat started to chuckle, and started to walk by as Dee stretched down to pick up her prized possessions, when THUD! About 10 magazines fell out! Dee's response:
"...Aaaaaaaand magazines!"

Shoplifting? Who knows? Slob? Perhaps... Bizarre? Beyond compare!

At least I'm not "full of sit"

The person who created Burger King's "Dr. Angus" has got to be one seriously messed up humanoid!
In the latest episode, Dr. Angus lures a young, attractive woman to his (pristine, white) apartment and gives her a Angus burger with cheese... She takes a bite, and with a gleeful look of amazement, declares, "I FEEL CHEESY!"
The Doctor knowingly points back, YOU ARE CHEESY!!!"

No, YOU'RE cheesy.

AMERICAN IDiot (apologies to Green Day)

I enjoy American Idol. Having a background in music and perfect pitch, I like analyzing the contestant's realistic chances of becoming a finalist. Of course, first we must be subjugated to the torture of countless auditions, mostly BAD ones.
What always makes me shake my head is when someone who looks like a Hollywood hooker and sounds like an albatross (or sometimes they look AND sound like an albatross) presents themselves as the greatest thing since Whitney Houston, and end up sounding like Don Knotts, subsequently they're shot down by Simon and Friends... They look squarely into the eyes of the judges and state, "Fine. Whatever. I don't care. I don't need you guys to make it!"
Let the tirade begin!
"Those BLEEP guys can kiss my BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP they think they know what the BLEEP they're talkin' about BLEEP BLEEP you BLEEP trying to tell me BLEEP like that well you can BLEEP go to BLEEP BLEEP with BLEEP!"

Yeah, the apathy in your voice reeeeeeally convinces me you don't care!

THIS is the best you can do?

When dealing with this serious of an issue, you'd think a Public Service Announcement would be better than this...
The Tioga County (NY) AIDS Awareness Team put together the following drabble and tried to call it a radio PSA:
3 or 4 adolescents singing in a deeply bored, apathetic tone to the tune of Barney's "I Love You"-- not even in rhythm or key
I love you, you love me
Let's get rid of S-T-D
With a hug and a kiss and protec-tion too
It's all up to me and you

News flash: you guys will NOT be the next American Idol.

Things to avoid pondering

Every now and then, my brother (who lives 1400 miles away) and I send wacky thoughts via E-mail to either relive childhood memories, or to just give each other a laugh. Today's oddity, courtesy of my 41-year old sibling:
"Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but they don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?"

Is there any wonder why I grew up to be such a strange individual?

Pointless with zero calories

People who come up with product slogans must be smoking some funky Jamaican cigs or something...
"Diet Dr. Pepper. There's nothing DIET about it."

If that's so, then why call it DIET Dr. Pepper? Better alert all the Atkins and South Beach disciples! Let them know that they'd better not consume this beverage because it'll mess them up big time!!!

Yes, there IS life outside the farm

A local weekly tabloid features a regular column called "Tell Us..." The paper asks 6 readers a question, and the responses are recorded for posterity's sake... Or, in the case of some, in spite of posterity.
Take for example, the following query: "What is your favorite form of exercise?" 1/2 of the answers were normal: Soccer, Exercise bike, Yoga... One replied, "Ultimate Living Room Fighting," which I personally think sounds bizarre, but I'll give the benefit of the doubt. Then there was Mike Sink and Dale Hemmingsen, whose decrees offered a bit too much regarding what nature of persons they were.
Mike's suggestion: "Chasing chickens!"
Dale's solution: "Cow tipping!"

Ooooooooooooo-K, then! I think I can guess what color your neck is!!!

ONLY 12 MORE POSTINGS UNTIL THE "STUPIE" IS AWARDED!
Keep voting for your favorite from December, January and February posts, and the leading vote-getter wins the next edition of this totally insignificant, pointless and made-up award!!!
You make the Stupies happen! Take hold of your ability to publicly decree your stance against stupidity!

TP in the "lap" of luxury

Thanks to "News of the weird" by United Press Syndicate for this one...
The Portuguese paper producer Renova introduced black toilet paper in France (Of course!) last fall and expect to introduce it in the U.S. soon. A Renova statement called the tissue "elegant, rebellious, alternative and eternally fashionable."

Elegant? Hey, man, I'm wiping myself, not walking down the runway at the Golden Globes.
Rebellious?! "Yeah, I'm using black TP. That'll show 'em!!!"
Alternative? So's the color of your behind when you develop a rash from the black dye!
ETERNALLY fashionable? C'mon. You think people are gonna visit your house and swoon, "Oh, I just love that black toilet paper!" No, they'll be driving home muttering, "What the heck is up with those crackheads?!?"

And finally, I don't mean to be gross or visually descriptive, but how the heck do you tell if you're clean?

Really?! You don't say!!!

An ad for a local sleep study clinic offers this glimpse into the world of abstract thought:
"Trouble sleeping? ...It might be a sleep disorder."

Hey, I'm really glad you cleared that up, because I was beginning to think it was the 45 cups of coffee I just drank!

Sat. #2: Well, Ex-CUUUUUUUSE ME!!!

I never cease to be amazed by these bizarre stories the AP find to report...
This past August, Harvey Bennett, 55, of Long Island NY, decided to do what a lot of boys and girls do around the world and wrote a note, put it in a small plastic bottle and let it loose in Long Island sound. Imagine his joy and surprise when he received a reply just a few days ago. (Unfortunately, the AP doesn't say how the reply was sent.) The excitement turned to shock when Mr. Bennett read the note.
"I recently found your bottle while taking a scenic walk on the beach by Poole Harbour. While you may consider this some profound experiment on the path and speed of ocean currents, I have another name for it--LITTER. You Americans don't seem to be happy unless you are mucking about somewhere. --Henry Bigglesworth, Bournemouth, Dorset County, England."

Amazing. This guy is so distraught over having his little stroll interrupted by the appearance of a single plastic bottle that he takes time to write a nasty reply and send it to Mr. Bennett? 'Ey, bloke, get y'self a bloody LIFE, with a side of manners.

Sat. #1:Thought-free yogurt

Wal-mart. The cursed plot of lost and brainless souls!!!
While shopping and dealing with the endless throngs of people, we came upon a very LARGE man getting raisins. As my wife reached over to try to grab a pack of boxes, "Bubba" turns to his entourage and addresses another man. "Now I have to find where they keep the yogurt. I just love that yogurt!"
The other man replied, "I think it will be in the last aisle by the milk."
Bubba wasn't convinced. "No, I mean yogurt."
Man #2 was obviously more familiar with this store than Bubba was. "Yeah, it'd be in the refrigerated aisle by the milk and dairy!"
Bubba was now thoroughly clueless, and annoyed. "No, man! YO-GURT!!!"
Man #2 had had enough. "Never mind, let's just keep looking..."

Dude, if you love yogurt so much, why don't you know where it is?!?!