Instructions for the intelligence impaired

I had given a decorative covered candle to my wife for Christmas. (It was a small, old-fashioned church with a removable roof, revealing the candle inside.) It turned out to be a sort-of gift to myself, however, as I received a series of laughs upon reading the instructions on the box. I know companies have to cover themselves legally, but do they truly believe all consumers are idiots?

Candle will become hot during use.
Are you SURE about that?

Never extinguish flame with water.
Oh. Well, can I use my fire extinguisher instead?

Never drop burned matches or other objects into candle.
Hey honey, have you seen the nail clippers? Oh, never mind, here they are in the candle.

Never burn candle with lid on.
After all, the flame doesn't require oxygen to burn, right?

Never burn candle near combustible materials or in an enclosed area.
You mean, like in my HOUSE?

I tell you, if people have attempted any of these things, or doesn't understand the concepts before lighting up the candle, perhaps the wick doesn't burn at both ends, if you know what I mean.

An extremely odd way to grieve

Originally, I wasn't going to post anything today, but this article I found on AOL News is just too strange.
Utah Woman Dies Hours After Her Wedding
SALT LAKE CITY (Dec. 27) -- A 25-year-old woman who occasionally visited Utah schools to discourage children from using drugs died hours after her wedding, her husband said. Jennifer Ann Bennett Goodall and Doug Goodall were married Saturday.
The next day, Christmas eve, "she didn't wake up," Goodall told KSL-TV. "I'm so grateful that she left on the happiest day of her life."
An autopsy was performed, but the cause of death was not immediately determined, Goodall said.

Perhaps it's because of the days in which we live in, but I'm awfully suspicious of Mr. Goodall here. Something doesn't add up. I mean, your WIFE just died, and you conjure up a statement like that?! Also, what's with him attempting to release information about the autopsy? Isn't that the coroner's job?

I seriously hope and pray this is nothing more than my paranoia, and that there's no foul play involved here. ...But my nagging instinct says otherwise.

Dial "O" for "oops"

For quite some time, someone has been using our phone number in order to conduct fraudulent activity. It cost money and is a bit of a hassle to change our number, so we just inform anyone looking for "Joe and Carla" that they were given our number in error.
The other day, the phone rang. As always, my wife checked the caller ID to see who was calling. It was someone from out-of-state who had dialed us a number of times. My wife, wanting to tell these people to take our number off their list, picked up the phone and clearly said, "[Incredulous] residence. May I help you?"
The party on the other end hesitated, then offered, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize this was a business."

She did say "residence!" Maybe the caller thought we were a residence who would accommodate the woman from yesterday's post.

Drive-thru service???

The following story is either incredibly hilarious, or incredibly sad. It depends on your point of view.
As I sojourned along my work route today, I was approached in the parking lot of an area gas station as I unloaded product off my truck. A seventy-something man approached me and asked, "Excuse me, young man. Is there a nursing home up that way?" pointing to his right.
Rather stunned by this unusual inquiry, I stuttered, "Um, ah, sorry, no, I don't think so..." Then recovering a bit, I prodded, "Do you know the name of the place?"
"Oh, no," the man shrugged. "No name. Just any nursing home."
Taken farther aback by this even more unusual statement, I dismissed him with, "I'm sorry sir, I'm afraid I can't help you out."
The man waddled away.
Completely dumbfounded, and my curiosity now aroused, I skulked around the side of my truck to see where he had gone. I thought maybe he was heading into the station to ask the odd question inside. Instead, I saw him walk to his car, but to the passenger side. He opened the door, and I noticed an elderly, hunched over woman in the seat. The man sang in a condescending tone, "Sorry, honey! There's no nursing home down here! We'll have to go somewhere else!"

SAY WHAT??? What in the name of Dr. Kevorkian are you looking for, a golden palace with a sign out front reading, "Walk-ins welcome"???

And all this on the day after Christmas...

Politically incorrect holiday greetings

This past week, my buddy Pat was completing a delivery to an area business. In closing, the store proprietor offered, "Have a happy holiday!" ...A reflective pause... "...Unless you're Jewish!"

I'd like to wish all my readers, new and old, a Happy Kwanukas! Happy New Year, too-- unless you're Chinese! ...Or Jewish! ...Or Russian!

Aw, heck with it...

Lap song and dance

My family and I have the opportunity to go to a neighborhood city park and see a wonderful light display. The way the city Parks and Recreation department have it set up is that you can view the whole thing from the comfort of your car as you travel along a path circling around the grounds.
At the end of the trail, there's a refreshment stand, and a small trailer with Santa inside. Hoping to raise a little bit of extra cash, the Parks folks decided to sell photo ops with Santa. A small sign was posted on the side of the trailer: "Pictures with Santa-- $8.00 per framed portrait. You take photo: $3.00."

Now, just hold your red-nosed reindeer a second, Nick. You're going to charge me for taking my own photo, with my own camera, of my child on your knee? I guess the whole concept is that if professional sports figures can charge for an autograph, Kris Kringle can get some bling bling, too. It's just the whole idea of a benevolent, giving figurehead becoming a cash cow is a little too much to swallow.

Ending pre-Christmas postings with a lighter note next!

Ignorance: the gift that keeps on giving

I arrived at a local pharmacy today to make a delivery. After stacking up my hand-truck with a heavy amount of product, I headed across the parking lot to the front door. I noticed a hunched-over, elderly lady struggling along her way to the same door with a walker, maneuvering herself along with great difficulty. Though my cart weighed a ton, I decided it was more important to get to the entrance, set down my stuff and hold the door open for her.
...Which I did, grabbing the outside door. A woman exiting the store also saw the woman coming, and held the inside door ajar. As the aged lady slowly lurched past me, she offered me a shy but kind smile. I, in return, wished her "Happy holidays." She stiffly ventured into the vestibule to the inner door. As she did so, the woman holding the door gawked, and then loudly blurted out, "OHH! I PRAY TO GOD I DON'T GET LIKE HER WHEN I'M THAT AGE!"

Yo, girl! She ain't deaf, too!

Have yourself an ignorant holiday, ma'am, and I hope Santa brings you another foot, because yours is permanently lodged in that gaping hole in your face!

PSST is making another appearance on Useless Advice From Useless Men! Look for question #440 in the next couple of days, signed by me using the moniker "X/Y Chromosome."

Have yourself a dysfunctional Christmas

Another edition of "We Asked, You Answered" from the Weekender, Northeast PA's arts and entertainment weekly, is sure to set us all in the holiday mood.
This week's question: "What Christmas character would you like to be?" Some answers were Snow Miser, Mrs. Claus and Buddy the Elf. Along comes Ryan Farrel to paint a much-too-graphic picture of his own twisted life!
"Hermie (from Rudolph) because he wanted to be a dentist and my mom's a dentist."

Um, so you're saying you want to be your mom??? (Pat, stop laughing!)

"Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is an Oedipus complex!"

Mostly coudy with a chance of stupidity

After a long hiatus, WNEP-16's chief meteorologist Tom Clark makes a grand re-entry on the pages on PSST.
This evening, Tommy began his segment talking about a most unusual occurrence. "The space shuttle will be visible very low in the Northwestern sky tonight. As the shuttle re-enters the atmosphere, a long streak-- kind of like a slow-moving shooting star-- will be able to be seen, just about 25 degrees above the horizon. It'll only appear for about 25 or 30 seconds, and this will take place about 3 minutes from now. ...Now, don't go outside! I want you to see the weather..."
WHAT???
Then why'd you even bring it up in the first place? Are you truly that egotistical, Clarkie, to think that your viewers would turn up their noses at the opportunity to see something they may never see again, just so we can veg on our couches listening to you say it'll be partly cloudy and 40 tomorrow? (I knew that yesterday!!) And why in the name of Buzz Aldron do you need to take up 3 + minutes of air-time to cover the weather???

Looks like somebody has moon rocks in their head...

Your neighborhood inconvenience store

...More two-parters!
I visited 2 different convenient stores today, both owned by the same corporation, and experienced an oddity in both. At the first location, I got my order verified by the same manager who had checked me in every week for the last 7 months. After that, it's the responsibility of the vendor (aka me) to price the products. The check-in completed, the manager stared at me blankly, and asked, "Do you know how to use a price gun?"

Who the stink do you think has been pricing this stuff the last 1/2 year?

At stop #2, they had holiday hours posted on the front door. The sign read, "Christmas day: Open: 8:00 AM; Closed: Open 24 hours."

Well, not if you're not opening until 8:00! ...Oh... You meant 24 hours, but just not consecutively?

A dumb vignette in 2 short acts

The scene: a local convenience store.
Cast of characters: Me, making a delivery covering for another driver, Kevin, who was on vacation. Mini-mart Nazi, manager of said convenience store. Short-tempered, impatient, and belittling, not thinking anyone is capable of doing anything right.

ACT I

Delivery driver enters the scene, with about 1/2 of the delivery total. Hi, how are you doing? ...This is just the first load. I have about 10 more cases to bring in. Do you want me to leave these here while I get the rest?
Nazi gets indignant. Oh, NO!!! You can't leave those there! We're extremely busy right now!
Driver, having put up with nonsense from Nazi before, takes an exaggerated, animated glance around the store to surmise how busy they are by counting customers.
...ONE...

ACT II

After shaking off the first wave of stupidity, driver gets ready to take the cases into the cooler. The long-anticipated question is finally voiced by Nazi.
Where's Kevin? Did he take the day off?
...Actually, he took the whole week off for vacation.
In an incredulous, stunned shriek loud enough to scare away her one customer: A We-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ek?!?

It appears our store manager is A) easily overwhelmed, and B) unable to grasp the concept of vacation time.

More nonsense from the Shawna Files

Here's another wonderful offering from our village idiot, Shawna. You've seen her before on this blog in August of 2005 ("NJ is a lot closer to Philadelphia than PA is") and 8/22 of this year. ("Major in computers. Mathematics will be obsolete in 10 years anyway.")
Once, my buddy Pat and some others were talking about time in the break room of our telecommunications office. The question was brought up, "What kind of system did people use to mark years before 'AD'?" Shawna had walked into the room, and, as always, she had an (incorrect) insight into anything and everything.
"Same as now," she quipped. "They just counted backwards."

From what? Tell me, Shawna. How on earth did Hammurabi (king of ancient Babylon) know that Jesus was going to be born in another 1800 years? Hmm...

Going nowhere fast

My wife just got a note from a member of her high school class. Seems the class of 1987 (Oops! Carbon-dating in progress...) wants to do something completely and utterly unique for a 20-year reunion in 2007. Now, you must understand that this was a rural high school and many members of this school are quite... backwards, shall we say, in their thinking. I can't imagine somebody actually thinks this is a good idea, and that 75 people-- the size of that year's class-- are able to do this time-wise and/or financially.
Here's excerpts of the letter: (bold letters added for blogging emphasis.)
As you all know planning any kind of event for a group of people is a lot of work. With only 9 months to go its time to start the planning process...
20 YEARS LATER... (Our school's) class of '87 aboard NCL's Norwegian Spirit October 6-7, 2007. Cruise with your classmates for an unforgettable 1-night voyage to nowhere from NYC!!!
...Inside cabin: $159, Oceanview cabin: $179, Balcony cabin: $229.
...Rates do not include taxes and... fees of $59.04 per person...
Final payment is due on 7/23/07. We only have a limited number of cabins on hold. Visit www.ncl.com to check out the ship and it's many amenities.

OK, hold on just a momentary moment.
First, a voyage to nowhere?? Well, if you're not going anywhere, why should you pay an extra $20 for an ocean-view cabin, especially when you'll never see the ocean? Why on earth would I just want to float around in the harbor?
Second, the costs listed above include room cost ONLY. You are responsible for paying for your transportation to NY, food and drinks. Who has the money to do this in today's economy? And even if you are financially blessed, do you really want to spend that money on a "voyage" to nowhere with a bunch of people you haven't seen in years?
Lastly, let's just say for the sake of argument that everybody in the class wants to go and commits. That requires 75 cabins. Last time I checked, cruise ships have a LOT more than 75 rooms. What kind of freaky groups are you sharing this boat with? Could you imagine walking into a ballroom, thinking it's your old chums, and you walk into an Amway convention? Or a seance? Or the class of '67 from Podunk High School in Backwoods, NV?

To the class member who sent this: you may be cruising to nowhere, but this letter/flier DOES have a destination-- my circular file.

The "X-pirt" ways in

Today's ex-TREMELY tragic tale comes from where else? Hollywood!
New best gal pals Paris "Still a tramp after all these years" Hilton and Britney "If I only had a brain" Spears are clubbin'! Ain't that just ducky!? What just blows my (by contrast) functional mind is the comments emanating from the mouth of Little Miss Simple Life. Thanks to TMZ.com for poisoning our intellect with these audible clouds of purple haze.
Paris Hilton has taken to MySpace to come out in support of what she calls Brit's "partying ethics." "For people to call out her parenting skills on behalf of her partying ethics is appalling," says Paris (according to MSNBC). "She goes home every night to her babies and partying has not come in the way of her parenting."
No, not in the least! I mean, there's no way all that boozing could have stood in the way of her judgment. After all, most wonderful mothers drive a car with their child in their lap, right? And anybody could have dropped her infant son on his head in the kitchen, I suppose!
I'm relieved to know Paris is such a great mom. All her expertise will go a long way helping out Brit!
...Wait a sec. What in the name of Roger Clinton is "partying ethics?" You mean there's unethical partying???

This whole thing reeks of a lack of common sense and a long-overdue trip to the Betty Ford clinic.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!

My apologies to you, faithful readers, for my less-frequent postings as of late. The stupidity well was starting to run dry, and then, for some odd twist of cosmic fate, the past 2 days have seen torrents proportionate to Noah's flood streaming down! The well is overflowing now... We begin with a great E-mail sent to me by localmusician which addresses a lot of oddities I've noticed in the past, with many irregularities I wish I never knew about. Well, you'll see what I mean at the end of the letter...

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts" (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts--"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: say what?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish Chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Well, at least we didn't segue from the Chainsaw to the Sainsbury's peanuts! For the first time in my life, I'm ashamed to admit I'm of Swedish descent. Thanks again to localmusician for this.

Closed captioning for the living impaired

Last Friday I went into a local bank to make a withdraw. For some strange reason, the institution has a large plasma TV mounted on the wall above the tellers-- apparently to give you something to do while you wait in line. However, there is no sound, so the Closed Captioning is flashed across the screen. As you may know, the CC rarely matches the actual speech used. It also is often grammatically incorrect.
As I watched, an advert for Aleve pain relief came on. A gal from Jamaica, NY was talking about how difficult arthritis can make her work of volunteering to take meals to the less-fortunate.
"I love taking food to the shut-ins, but I had arthritis in my fingers, in my elbows, in my ees... (I guess that's supposed to be "knees.") I took away my life. Then my friend told me about Aleve..."

Wow. Talk about a miracle recovery from suicide! You take your life away, but you CAN be revived with Aleve!

Marion County School Borg

Today's post comes courtesy of the Home School Legal Defense Association's website.

‘Your Home Education Program is Terminated’

How would you feel if you received an official letter from public school authorities declaring your homeschool “terminated?”
Well recently, about 400 homeschoolers in the Marion County (FL) Public Schools district received a letter that said just that!
Each of these homeschoolers were told that their “Home Education Program is terminated due to your failure to comply with Florida statute 1002.41. You must enroll your child in a public, private, or parochial school within 10 days upon receipt of this letter.”
The statute that Marion County referred to requires that an annual evaluation be filed with the local school district. Many people who had received this letter terminating their home education program had actually already sent their evaluation in! These homeschoolers had done nothing wrong, but they were told that their home education program was terminated-with no warning. They did not receive notice that their evaluation was missing or any hint that there was a problem.
What is even more absurd about the school district officials’ actions is that the law gives them no authority to simply “terminate” a homeschool! Under Florida statutes section 1002.41(2), the superintendent, at the most, can give a family a “one year probationary period.”
Many Home School Legal Defense Association members from Marion County called in after receiving this frightening letter. HSLDA staff worked with each member, and contacted the school district on their behalf. By writing letters and sending in the mail receipts from the previously certified evaluation, we were able to show that Marion County had already received the assessments and that each homeschooler was completely complying with Florida law. The missing assessments were the mistake of the school, not the families.

So let me get this straight. YOU lose important documents, and attempt to penalize innocent and law-abiding families for it?
Wow. Last time I checked, this was still America, not the Gamma Quadrant. The whole "Resistance is futile" approach taken by the Marion County schools goes WAAAAY over the line, and earns them future consideration as Ignernt Foo' STUPIE nominees.

Cheque this out!

Today I made a delivery to a convenience store operated by an extremely eccentric gal, whom I've had dealings with many times before. (She kind of looks--and acts--like Kennedy from MTV...) This was a C.O.D. stop, meaning I needed to be paid for the beverages. Kennedy Jr. said, "I don't have enough cash in my drawer, so I'm going to print out a money order for you."
"That's fine," I replied.
In a few moments, I was presented with a money order with the dollar amount inked on it, sans payee information and--most importantly-- signature.
"This needs to be signed," I stated, handing the MO back to her.
She looked at me with a confused glare. "Usually, whoever it's made out to signs it," she offered.
Right. So you're saying I'm paying myself?
"No, I'm sorry," I politely affirmed. "The payer is the signature required. Also, it's not made out to anyone."
VJ-wanna-be droned, "Well, you can fill that in."
"OK, I guess," I pointed out, "but it still needs your signature."
She just didn't get it. "But why? It's your cheque."
I held my ground. "I'm required to get a signature on all cheques and money orders."
She resigned, "I'm not real comfortable doing this," grabbing the MO. "I never signed one of these before..."

...Huh?? You've worked here for at least the last 6 months, and you claim to not know how to do a pay-out? No wonder this store's doing so well financially.