Responsible for irresponsibility

Last night, after an extremely hot and humid day, scattered thunderstorms rumbled through our area. We live in a group of apartment buildings with 4 units in each structure. After settling our kids into bed for the evening, reassuring them that even though "the sky was crashing," everything was OK, my wife and I reclined in the living room to check radar on the Weather Channel. A strong cell was heading right for us. Suddenly, we heard children galavanting about and fireworks going off. We got up and opened the door to discover 4 young kids running and dancing around a cannister of flammables. ...Right under power lines, and the sky was lit up with bright pink lightning bolts. "Kids," I called, "Get inside! A very bad storm is coming in about 5 minutes!"
One of the neighborhood "mothers" (who, by the way, never socializes with anyone, nor does she let her son interact with the other area kids) shot at us, "Never mind. They're OK! We'll be responsible!"

1) Who's we?
2) You're too good to be neighborly, but you'll watch the kids??
3) Fine. You drown in your lack of common sense and let kids play with fireworks and hang around near power lines in an electrical storm!!! That's great parenting skills!

Who's The Boss?

Today I made a delivery to a local convenient store which is owned by 2 men of foreign heritage. (I am declining to mention race/creed so as to not offend or agitate anyone!) Anyhow, the point is that the one owner seemed to have an answer for everything, even things he had no clue about.
I had 12 cases of beverages going in, and my hand truck won't carry that many in one trip, so I stacked up half the cases and wheeled them in. The co-owner told me to pick up one case from a previous weeks' order that he didn't want. I replied, "OK, I'll go get the other 6 cases and then take that out."
"NO! TAKE IT OUT NOW! TAKE IT!" he emphatically shouted.
Not wanting to raise the man's ire further, I said, "Fine. I'll just call in to the office to get the price so we can properly credit your bill."
"It's $16.95," he snapped. "You can take it off right now!"
(What was this guy's rush?)
"I'm sure that's the price, but I have to confirm this with the office. It's company policy," I stressed.
"OK," he dismissed, "You call, but I'm telling you that's the price."
Ignoring him, I contacted HQ, where I learned the cost was actually $20.95. No sooner had I hung up, when Mr. Know-It-All came back and jeered, "Did you call them?"
"Yes," I gently but slowly retorted. "The price is actually $4 more than we (translation:YOU) thought."
"Yes, very good," he smugly sniffed. "I told you it was right of you to call."

Ah, yes, nothing's better than sounding important while looking like a complete moron!

Sign language for dummies

I had to work Saturday, being my place of employment wasn't open on Memorial Day Monday. I'm not sure if it was heat, humidity or the fact that everybody decided to leave their brains in the workplace, but folks were both ignorant and arrogant, especially in the area of driving.
Everywhere I have been, there are big white lines in each lane of traffic right before you reach an intersection with a traffic light. They're there for a reason-- to keep you safe from a vehicle crash. Also, for those who are unaware, a red signal means "STOP!" I reached an intersection, preparing to make a left turn, when the car heading in the opposite direction stopped at the red light, and then screeched ahead, barely missing a crash from the vehicle with the right-of-way coming across. The stop-and-go idiot grants the other party the international sign for "I don't particularly care for you, your actions, or your having the green light. WHY?!?!
Immediately after the near-miss, the light turned green, and I began my left turn... Until little Miss Priss in her souped-up 1990-something pink Cavalier comes flying up to the red light, past the white line, and nearly into the middle of the intersection. I had already turned about 30 degrees, and now was stopped in no-man's-land, risking a collision with either the Princess's car or the foot-high curb. I gently waved to signal I needed her to back up, since nobody was behind her. Instead, she screams at me and shows me her tallest extremely on her left hand. Nice.
So now, I'm trapped in the middle of the intersection, NOBODY can proceed, and everyone's honking their horns. Pinky never did retreat, so I had to torque my tie-rods out of proportion, rolling over the curb, while she gestures continually the whole time I attempted to safely complete my turn.

So, in the future, dear drivers in Northeastern PA, you'll soon be seeing my sign for "My truck is 5 times the size of your car, and if you don't move immediately, I'll squash you like a little bug," surmised by the side of my vehicle edging closer and closer to your puny little "sports car."

A-crap-olypse

I'm gonna get a lot of flack on this post from my wife, but.... As I type this, NBC's special, "10.5: Apocalypse" is airing. Now, generally speaking, I loathe most end-of-the-world/doom-and-gloom movies, mainly because they are so INCREDIBLY unrealistic, it's like reading the "Weekly World News" for the latest on Bat-boy. This latest creation of earth's de-evolution can be summed up by the following exchange...
"Where's the epicenter?"
(After a momentary pause) "Sun Valley, Idaho."
"That's an extinct volcano!"
"Not anymore!"
(Watching the dramatic eruption which spews gas, rock and lava thousands of feet into the air) "It's not supposed to happen like this. Not this fast!"

DARNED STINKIN' WELL RIGHT, BUDDY! That's why I can't stand flicks like this!!!

Say what you mean, mean what you say

As I traveled along my delivery route Friday, I took note of a privately owned gas station/garage that evidently isn't owned by the swiftest of folks. All signs are either hand-drawn or composed of letters made up from black electrical tape. The main sign "says it all:"
ALEX'S SERVICE: We do stuff!
I guess that's good to know, depending on what kind of "stuff" you're talking about. Does stuff mean auto repairs or marijuana??? As if this sign wasn't bad enough, plastered on their gas pump was this wonderful "promise:"
Drive-offs will be shot at.
That's really great. In this day and age where folks are getting increasingly angry about the price of fuel and brazen in thefts, make an idle threat and actually encourage people to steal from you!

Or... Are you really that hardened that you disregard the law as well as everyone safety as you attempt to blow away a car speeding off?

Crying over spilt Snapple

Yesterday, I made a beverage delivery to a small local convenient store. In this particular place of business, not only am I responsible for said delivery, but also for pricing and placing the product up on the shelves. As I did this, I accidentally knocked a bottle of Snapple off the shelf, and it shattered. Being conscientious of the customers' safety, I immediately grabbed a mop, broom and a "Wet floor" sign and cleaned up the spill, and then completed the stocking of the beverages.
When everything was done, I went to get my copy of the invoice from the cashier. I had expected a "Thank you" for attending to the mess I had made. Instead, the cashier snapped, "What broke before?"
"A bottle of Snapple," I replied, adding, "I took care of it so you wouldn't need to worry about it."
"Well, are we going to get credited for that?" she demanded.
Patiently understanding that this was not a large operation, and that every cent counts, I offered, "I really don't want to take the time to go through all that bureaucracy. I'll just buy the bottle."
She looked at me indignantly. "I don't know if we can do that!"
I slowly explained, "It's an awful lot of trouble to call the office, get the unit cost on the bottle and alter all the paperwork. I'll buy it, and that way your inventory isn't affected."
Flabbergasted, she left the register and went into the back office to talk with the store manager. "He broke a bottle when he was stocking, and now he wants to buy it! Can we do that??"
The manager was equally dumbfounded. "I don't know," she replied. How much was broken?"
"One bottle," informed the cashier.
By now I was quite put out that this had become such a federal issue. I went back to the office and interrupted the pow-wow by saying, "What's the difference between my breaking a bottle and a customer purchasing it? I'm acting as a customer, wanting to buy a bottle of Snapple. What's the problem?"
Finally, the manager relented, "Well... OK, I guess. I suppose we can do that."

Yeah, tough choice. I'm willing to buy a bottle at retail price, giving you your profit margin while successfully maintaining your inventory, rather than calling up the office and tying up our accountant while she tries to figure out the cost of one lousy bottle.

...And Pat thought I wouldn't have any stupid stories to tell after I left my last job to take this one!

Just another normal night at home

Today was a very stressful day for my wife. Stress tires her out, so sometimes things come out that either are extremely odd or quite hilarious. As the day wound down, and our youngest (26 months old) progressively destroyed the living room, my wife attempted to calm him down by reading to him. He loves Thomas the Tank Engine, and we had recently borrowed a Thomas book from the library called "Crack In the Track." My wife tiredly called from the couch, "Honey, come here. Do you want to read? Mommy's got crack!"

ROFL!!!
(She DID give me permission to use this, even though I typically don't call anything a member of my family says "stupid!" Thanks for a great laugh, sweetie!)

Double-standards at their finest

Today's offering comes courtesy Chuck shepherd's "News of the Weird," as published by Weekender Wire Services. The story is printed word-for-word. I do not claim authorship in any way or part...

In April, Rudy Rios, the junior varsity coach at Chavez High School in Houston, was fired from that job after the principal learned that he encouraged students to skip school to attend protests over U.S. immigration policy. Reportedly, Rios was not fired, however, from his other Chavez High job, which is as teacher of English as a foreign language, even though Rios wrote, on an immigration-protest flier: "We gots 2 stay together and protest against the new law that wants 2 be passed against all immigrants. We gots 2 show the U.S. that they ain't ($#!^) with out (sic) us."

Nice... That's nice... Not only a fine example of leadership to the youth of this nation (legal or otherwise) but also of the use of linguistics. Even more ridiculous, punish the dude by not letting him coach sports, but leave him in a position of influence in one of the largest cities in the country?

He seems to fit in well with the "No illegals = no burritos" crowd...

Not understanding laws of supply and demand

I entered a convenient store today to make a delivery, and noticed they had a request for a credit. I had received no special instructions from my office, so I took the credit slip in and asked the store manager about it.
"Yes," he told me, "It's actually a trade. We've been waiting for the birch beer, and so we want to exchange it with a case of the RC cola you brought last week."
"Unfortunately, we're still out of the birch beer," I notified the manager. "We've been waiting for it to come in for almost a month."
Disappointed, the manager asked, "Oh, so you don't have any birch on your truck?"
"No," I replied.
Mr. Manager said, "I don't understand. Your salesman, 'Mark,' told me we could do an exchange."
"Unfortunately," I informed him, "Mark forgot to check with the office to see if the birch was in stock." Bewildered, the manager asked me, "Why would the salesman not do that?"

Hmm... An excellent question indeed...

It's a Small World After All

Tonight, Jon Meyer reported the following story on WNEP-16...
"People in downtown Scranton (PA) got a bit of a surprise this afternoon as the bomb squad was set up around the Mall at Steamtown. They responded in response to an unusual situation, when a Portuguese man walked up to a Scranton police officer and said, 'He was going to blow up the world.' Officials checked out the scene and concluded that it was all just a hoax."
FIRST, last time I checked, making terroristic threats was still a felony. Why wasn't this dude arrested? SECOND, what kind of explosive device did this senor claim to possess? Has he been taking correspondence courses from the Iranians? Was he angry that the Portuguese have been overlooked in the immigration issue? Does he want a piece of what the Tex-Mex clan's got? Has the price of gasoline got him bummed out?

The world's going crazy! CRAZY I tell you!!!

What did I just see???

In my travels, I observe a lot of things that just don't make sense. For example, Friday, I was rolling along on a country road. The speed limit was 55 MPH, and the path goes parallel to a river. As such, for a 3 mile stretch, a guard rail borders the one side of the road, while a mountain-side cliff edges the other side. So there I am, zipping through at 55, when suddenly I spot a sign which read, "Falling Rock Zone."
...Is that supposed to make me feel better? I know the objective behind the sign is to alert drivers to a potential hazard, but when you're going 55, it doesn't matter if you're as alert as you could be or you're comatose!
Can you imagine some guy just driving along, minding his own business... "Hmm," he says to himself, "What's that sign say? 'Falling Rock Zone?' Oh, OK..... AAAAAAAAGHHHHH!!!"
***THUD!***
Twenty minutes later the paramedics respond, cutting the guy out of his car crushed by a 5-ton boulder with the jaws of life... The medic calls, "Hey, bud, you OK?"
The man weakly mumbles, "Yeah... Wow! I'm sure glad there was a sign!"
"Yeah, that was lucky for you!" retorts the rescuer...

Dude, you MUST be trippin'...

Today, I had the distinct "pleasure" of co-delivering soda with "Jake." On one hand, it was nice to have an extra pair of hands on board, because I had a heavy work-load, but on the other hand, it was Jake.
Jake is a young, EXTREMELY brash, spastic, non-stop babbler. My other co-workers, Pat and "Randy" kidded with me today that I'd need some extra-strength Advil at the end of the day. ...Only they weren't exactly kidding. Truthfully, I think Jake may have ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and often makes a big mess of things by irritating folks around him, simply by being himself. (For example: he often emits a high-pitched scream at random for no apparent reason, talks with a fake southern accent and thinks it's hilarious, and cannot do simple math to save his life. He also frequently forgets where stores are located and fails to make deliveries.)
Today, he was rambling on and on and on, and suddenly began yawning. He quizzed, "Hey, you know what it means when you yawn?" Stupidly, I answered, "Yeah, your body is slightly depleted of oxygen." Importantly, Jake boasted, "Specifically, it means your brain needs oxygen when you think too much. That's my problem. I think a lot, and I guess I'm thinking too much today."

Oh, come ON.

Here, dude, I got a gallon jug of Nyquil with your name on it...

Waste not, eat not

Looks like that trip to the Chinese buffet just became a bit more Seinfeld-like.
Who owns this place, Mao Tse Tung? I mean, I know it's more offensive to some cultures than others to throw away perfectly good stuff, but doesn't this sound like the Ming-Nazi?
On the other side of the coin, you go into an eating establishment and repeatedly discard food that someone else could have enjoyed, you get called on it, and you're surprised?

I'd like to meet these people when they order Chinese take-out. They probably open all the fortune cookies, but toss them in the garbage, because they immediately don't care for the fortunes they get, like "Cease the day."

Convenient queen

Today, I traveled to the far reaches of civilization to make a soda delivery at a small (triple emphasis put on the word "small") convenient store located in the middle of nowhere off the interstate. I parked the truck, piled up the cases of drinks on my hand-truck, and entered the store. A cashier immediately came at me with a nasty glare and a sharp tongue. "You can't bring those cases in here right now. The Pepsi guy was here first, and only one vendor is allowed in at a time! It's company policy," she snorted. "Also, you'll have to take these outside and wait. I won't let you block up my aisles so my customers can't get what they want. My customers are very important to me..."

POINT #1: "Company policy???" You're a tiny mom and pop outpost set on the edge of the world! Do you think you're Microsoft or something?
POINT #2: Have you ever heard a businessman/woman say, "My customers aren't important to me?" Did you really think it was necessary to insult me? I'm just doing my job!

After waiting 20 minutes for the Pepsi dude to finish, the store manager came up to me and asked, "What are you doing out here?" I relayed my exchange with the cashier, and the manager said, "Don't listen to her. She's an idiot. I'm the boss here. Come on in..."

POINT #3: "Your" customers aren't even YOUR customers! And I will never be one of "your" customers either, because I don't shop in a store where I'm treated like a leper.

Yo quiero mi trabajo!

Attention, readers. I am about to reveal my own personal opinion about the immigration issue. Please, no nasty comments, as it IS simply my opinion. If you disagree, fine. You're entitled toy YOUR opinion. The reason I place this on my blog is because of the senseless lack of logic behind the focal statement...
I'm all for people of other races, creeds and nationalities having a chance to work in the US and provide for their families... IF... They go about it the right way! You come into the States with your visa to work, fine. You want to stay-- you go through the proper channels, and you take ACTIVE steps to become a US citizen! The "Day Without Immigrants" was a ridiculous and irresponsible excuse to manipulate the general populace of our country, and the following link, http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&ncid=1778&e=2&u=/060502/ids_photos_ts/r2048252209.jpg proves it.

Oh, no! Expel the illegals, and all the Taco Bells will shut down!!! What will I do when I want my Southwestern cuisine fix???
To reiterate: I am NOT a xenophobe! Just don't come into my country illegally and take my job away from me!!!

American politics 101

A full-page flier showed up in my mailbox today. It was from our local (Republican) congressman looking for votes to be re-elected... For my international readers, bear with me while I define our mess of a congressional system.
The two main political parties in the USA are Republicans and Democrats. Typically, Democrats are liberal in their views and agenda while Republicans tend to be conservative. With that said, I will now type what Congressman Sherman* printed...
"VOTER ALERT! Republican Voters Beware! ...Liberal Senator Ted Kennedy-- NOT a Republican!"
Oh, reeeeeeeally? I didn't know that!
"Democrat Party Chairman Howard Dean-- NOT a Republican!"
Yeah, OK, I get the point. Republican, Democrat. Got it. Why are you wasting ink and killing trees to tell me what I already know?

Would-be politician alert! Your insulting my intelligence will NOT earn you my vote!
*Name changed to spare said governmental figure head further embarrassment.