Credits for this piece go to Chuck Shepard from News of the Weird, published by United Press Syndicate. It is printed word-for-word, and to go on record, I do not claim any originality of my own. Except, as "Kelso" would put it, the BUUUUUUUUURN at the end!
Prominent neuroscientist Louis A. Gottschalk, still professionally active at age 89, lost about $3 million of his family trust over a 10-year period to Nigerian e-mail scammers, according to his son, who wants an Orange County, CA, judge to remove his father as the estate's administrator. In fact, Dr. Gottschalk has continued to pay money on another scam because the new recipients are "different Nigerians," according to the son's description of a conversation with his father.
Actually, I really have nothing to add to this. All that comes to mind is the old adage, "Once a sucker, always a sucker."
Friday, March 31, 2006
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Confirmed: Tom Cruise IS nuts (.com!)
The world is about to be "blessed" by the birth of, as the tabs are calling it, "TomKitten." What never ceases to amaze me is how unrealistic, unsympathetic and illogical Tom continues to be when it comes to the birthing process. The latest news, from the Cruise's PR gal, is that Mr. Scientology, out of the kindness of his heart, bought Katie an iPod, featuring 300 of her favorite (relaxing) tunes so that she can listen to them during her intense contractions and labor. One catch: she MUST have the headphones on, and the volume must be low, so as to not disturb the audible sterility of the room while the baby enters the world!
Now, I have a couple of things to say. First, I have stood by my wife for the births of our 3 children. She didn't scream and moan, and was relatively peaceful during the births, but my no means was she silent! I know that's part of the process. After all, you're pushing a human out of your body! Anybody who attempts to dictate to women that there's no reason for noise or stress during labor just plain doesn't get it.
Second, I highly doubt that Katie's going to want headphones jammed in her ears while every muscle, capillary and pore strain against the forces of nature. My wife's mindset was simply, "Let's get this done!"
Finally: remember, scientology was created, and is supported by delusional men. Men obviously don't know the first thing about child birth, other than it's something women do. To ask a woman to be completely silent during this time is unfair and just plain wrong. What I think is that Katie should be allowed to have a long rod by her bed-side. Then, every time a contraction hits, she should pick up the rod and strike Tom in the genitalia. Let's see if HE could keep quiet under such duress!
To use the language of Star Trek, quite obviously, Tom's neural net has shorted out! Perhaps what he really, really needs is a good shrink! (Even though they're "evil!")
Now, I have a couple of things to say. First, I have stood by my wife for the births of our 3 children. She didn't scream and moan, and was relatively peaceful during the births, but my no means was she silent! I know that's part of the process. After all, you're pushing a human out of your body! Anybody who attempts to dictate to women that there's no reason for noise or stress during labor just plain doesn't get it.
Second, I highly doubt that Katie's going to want headphones jammed in her ears while every muscle, capillary and pore strain against the forces of nature. My wife's mindset was simply, "Let's get this done!"
Finally: remember, scientology was created, and is supported by delusional men. Men obviously don't know the first thing about child birth, other than it's something women do. To ask a woman to be completely silent during this time is unfair and just plain wrong. What I think is that Katie should be allowed to have a long rod by her bed-side. Then, every time a contraction hits, she should pick up the rod and strike Tom in the genitalia. Let's see if HE could keep quiet under such duress!
To use the language of Star Trek, quite obviously, Tom's neural net has shorted out! Perhaps what he really, really needs is a good shrink! (Even though they're "evil!")
American "I Dull"
For those of you who keep up with the hit reality series on FOX, "American Idol," you know that the contestants are quite diverse. You have the street dude, Eliot; the young prodigy, Paris; the struggling actor, Ace; the rocker, Chris; and of course, who can forget the airhead, Kelly!
Kelly Pickler is a young, backwards, poster-girl hick who, up until this competition, has never been outside her little mountain community, nestled in the hills of Western NC. And boy, does it show!
A couple of weeks ago, she sang a country rendition of an old 50's song. (Though I despise country, she did fairly well with it!) The judges raved, and Simon Cowell called her performance "Sultry and ballsy," to which Kelly loudly drawled,
"What's a 'ballsy'?"
Two weeks earlier, Simon, who obviously has a major infatuation with the gal, called her "A naughty little mink," and Pickler repeatedly asked, "What's a minks??"
I sure hope she sticks to singing and never attempts songwriting!
BTW, Kelly is the tabbed favorite contestant by www.votefortheworst.com, which says a lot.
Kelly Pickler is a young, backwards, poster-girl hick who, up until this competition, has never been outside her little mountain community, nestled in the hills of Western NC. And boy, does it show!
A couple of weeks ago, she sang a country rendition of an old 50's song. (Though I despise country, she did fairly well with it!) The judges raved, and Simon Cowell called her performance "Sultry and ballsy," to which Kelly loudly drawled,
"What's a 'ballsy'?"
Two weeks earlier, Simon, who obviously has a major infatuation with the gal, called her "A naughty little mink," and Pickler repeatedly asked, "What's a minks??"
I sure hope she sticks to singing and never attempts songwriting!
BTW, Kelly is the tabbed favorite contestant by www.votefortheworst.com, which says a lot.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Cat "arrested" while owner continues gross negligence
Oh, come ON. Yet more proof at the ineptitudeness of American government on all levels.
You mean to tell me you've put this menacing cat (who, all joking aside, is causing great bodily harm and risk) under "house arrest," and the owner still hasn't taken this beast for a declawing and distemper shots? WHO should be the one penalized here? Right now, due to the boneheads at city hall, the residents of Fairfield, CT are!
I wonder-- when served the summons from animal control, did "Lewis" shred the warrant?
You mean to tell me you've put this menacing cat (who, all joking aside, is causing great bodily harm and risk) under "house arrest," and the owner still hasn't taken this beast for a declawing and distemper shots? WHO should be the one penalized here? Right now, due to the boneheads at city hall, the residents of Fairfield, CT are!
I wonder-- when served the summons from animal control, did "Lewis" shred the warrant?
Monday, March 27, 2006
Service with a brain seizure
As I mentioned before on this blog, buffet restaurants are such a mixed blessing...
This evening, my family and I treated ourselves to dinner out (The state tax refund came in!) and we went to the buffet, mainly because we know everybody, including our finicky kids, will eat a good meal. My wife went up to the food bar to fill her plate, when she spotted a pre-teen with a plateful ahead of her. The boy had just finished getting an item when one of the food-prep servers (who, BTW, had a major shag do and no hairnet!) walked up with an apathetic swagger and knocked the plate, which was sitting on the edge of the bar counter, onto the floor. Food was everywhere. The slow-witted adolescent looked down at the pile on his feet and the floor and mumbled, "Oops. Did I just do that?"
The stunned customer doted, "Yeah..."
Server looks down again, then at the kid. "Did you just put that food on there?"
"Yeah!" the agitated consumer stated.
Server looks down, slowly bends over and grabs a large piece of steak in his bare hands. "Was this your meat?"
"Yes!"
Moment of silence. Then server, with meat still in his paw, drawls, "Uh, were you done with that?"
No, now that you've blessed it with your grubby touch, I'm gonna take it to my table and eat it!
I was SO glad I had already gotten all my food before this incident...
This evening, my family and I treated ourselves to dinner out (The state tax refund came in!) and we went to the buffet, mainly because we know everybody, including our finicky kids, will eat a good meal. My wife went up to the food bar to fill her plate, when she spotted a pre-teen with a plateful ahead of her. The boy had just finished getting an item when one of the food-prep servers (who, BTW, had a major shag do and no hairnet!) walked up with an apathetic swagger and knocked the plate, which was sitting on the edge of the bar counter, onto the floor. Food was everywhere. The slow-witted adolescent looked down at the pile on his feet and the floor and mumbled, "Oops. Did I just do that?"
The stunned customer doted, "Yeah..."
Server looks down again, then at the kid. "Did you just put that food on there?"
"Yeah!" the agitated consumer stated.
Server looks down, slowly bends over and grabs a large piece of steak in his bare hands. "Was this your meat?"
"Yes!"
Moment of silence. Then server, with meat still in his paw, drawls, "Uh, were you done with that?"
No, now that you've blessed it with your grubby touch, I'm gonna take it to my table and eat it!
I was SO glad I had already gotten all my food before this incident...
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Eternally pregnant, 2006-style
My wife and I shared a chuckle as we poured over the coupons in Sunday's paper. We spotted an ad/promotion for Similac. (For those not in the know, that's baby formula.) In big bold green letters (set against a pink background--hideous!!) it reads, "Mom's $130K Payday! You could win $130,000! ...A recent study [by Salary.com] showed that a mom's salary should be about $130,000 US. (Kris, you'd be agreeable to that, wouldn't you?) Enter for your chance to win..."
The contest sounds great! It really draws your interest, UNTIL... Yep, gotta read the fine print.
"Open to mothers of the 50 U.S. or D.C. 18 or older who are mothers of children 12 months or younger (Oh, crap!) or expectant mothers whole child is due within 10 months."
OK, last time I checked, 40 weeks equals 9 months, and one usually doesn't know she is pregnant until well after gestation, most likely 1 month along at the very least. If you need to wait 44 weeks from that point, you are long overdue for a much needed C-section!!!
The contest sounds great! It really draws your interest, UNTIL... Yep, gotta read the fine print.
"Open to mothers of the 50 U.S. or D.C. 18 or older who are mothers of children 12 months or younger (Oh, crap!) or expectant mothers whole child is due within 10 months."
OK, last time I checked, 40 weeks equals 9 months, and one usually doesn't know she is pregnant until well after gestation, most likely 1 month along at the very least. If you need to wait 44 weeks from that point, you are long overdue for a much needed C-section!!!
The few. The proud. The really, really old.
It appears that American military intelligence shortcomings are not just limited to the CIA. Somebody in the recruiting department of the U.S. Marines also has suffered from a case of brain flaccidity.
Hmm. Unique language skills? Maybe said recruiter thought "old people noises" was a whole new form of linguistic communication.
Could you picture boot camp for this lady? The drill sergeant would yell, "Toss that walker, private! Drop and give me 30!!!"
"Seventy-eight is too old, obviously." Gee, I guess it's a good thing the USMC didn't try to recruit that 100-year-old L.A. transit worker who just retired! Let's not sign up somebody with a strong work ethic!
Hmm. Unique language skills? Maybe said recruiter thought "old people noises" was a whole new form of linguistic communication.
Could you picture boot camp for this lady? The drill sergeant would yell, "Toss that walker, private! Drop and give me 30!!!"
"Seventy-eight is too old, obviously." Gee, I guess it's a good thing the USMC didn't try to recruit that 100-year-old L.A. transit worker who just retired! Let's not sign up somebody with a strong work ethic!
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Unorganizational skills
An acquaintance of my wife and I has been attempting to head up a fly-by-night homeschool support group the past couple of years. While big on ideas and dreams, "Charlotte" is extremely challenged when it comes to matters of practicality. She even conveys her plans of grandeur via a bulk E-mail list, of which we were, until this week, a part of. Charlotte has tried to plan special speakers, field trips and general support sessions-- mostly in her home, which I'm sorry to say, isn't exactly the cleanest spot on earth-- that are very poorly attended. She begs for responses and feedbacks in her E-mailings, but all indications point to this plea falling on deaf ears.
The straw that broke the back was in her last contact. "I've continued to pour my heart and soul into planning these events, but they haven't panned out. Therefore, we (Who's we?) will be holding our next support meeting in the fellowship hall of the Gray Roof Church of God* this Thursday evening, since no one comes."
Ummmm.... HUH? You're going to tie up a church's fellowship hall for... Yourself? Sure, I guess that makes sense. What better place to plan a happening that nobody attends than in a church?
*Name of church changed. Any similarity between this posting and a real church's alibi is purely coincidental!
The straw that broke the back was in her last contact. "I've continued to pour my heart and soul into planning these events, but they haven't panned out. Therefore, we (Who's we?) will be holding our next support meeting in the fellowship hall of the Gray Roof Church of God* this Thursday evening, since no one comes."
Ummmm.... HUH? You're going to tie up a church's fellowship hall for... Yourself? Sure, I guess that makes sense. What better place to plan a happening that nobody attends than in a church?
*Name of church changed. Any similarity between this posting and a real church's alibi is purely coincidental!
Friday, March 24, 2006
Wow. This took some GALL!
Over the course of the past 3 weeks or so, I and the others in my department at work (Al, Sam and Joe) have gotten completely fed up with our counterpart-- or, should I say, useless part-- Bart. He is everything a team player is not. He never aids anyone else with their tasks, even when asked; he purposely does things to make work harder for the rest of us; and, he's as lazy as all get out, milking time and tasks for all they're worth. (Problem is, he gets away with it, because somehow, he's become Jan's little pet, and can do no wrong.) When one of us ask for a hand from Bart, he arrogantly replies, "I'm busy" or "I've got stuff to do." Today, we agreed as a group to exercise the law of returns upon our redneck rebel.
We staged a strike of sorts: no matter how busy Bart got, none of us would offer assistance. Today, Bart was working on the shipping line. Normally speaking, the person who is pulling boxes from the back to relay to the stocker would be the one who lends a hand to the shipper. Sam was in that role today. Apparently, right before our morning break, Bart got hammered with a heavy workload. After the bell for break rang, Bart, Sam, Joe and Al all headed outside for a smoke. Indignantly, Bart approached Sam and asked, "Are you pulling today?"
Sam informed him, "Yes."
Bart then mustered up his moxie (although that's not the word I would use, but for the sake of the readership...) and ranted, "You're supposed to come up and help me!"
Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!
Oh, yeah, "I'm busy!"
We staged a strike of sorts: no matter how busy Bart got, none of us would offer assistance. Today, Bart was working on the shipping line. Normally speaking, the person who is pulling boxes from the back to relay to the stocker would be the one who lends a hand to the shipper. Sam was in that role today. Apparently, right before our morning break, Bart got hammered with a heavy workload. After the bell for break rang, Bart, Sam, Joe and Al all headed outside for a smoke. Indignantly, Bart approached Sam and asked, "Are you pulling today?"
Sam informed him, "Yes."
Bart then mustered up his moxie (although that's not the word I would use, but for the sake of the readership...) and ranted, "You're supposed to come up and help me!"
Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!
Oh, yeah, "I'm busy!"
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Where Would Jesus Be Deported To?
When I got home from work and logged on, this crazy news story from AOL greeted me...
Now, I'm formerly an ordained minister, and am quite well-learned in regards to Bible passages, customs, traditions and history; so, I'm sorry, Hil, but I fail to see the correlation between Jesus and the Immigration and Naturalization Service. Jesus grew up under the rule of a foreign world power and traveled only between Roman provinces. The US has a border patrol, concerns with national security, regulations regarding visas, green cards, et. al. The Good Samaritan also traveled along a route well known and used by Jew and Samaritan alike.
Plainly, this is one reason why politics and religion don't mix.
Although "Dubya" has unleashed many verbal blunders of his own, (and where I once was one of his staunch supporters-- no more) this faux pas makes it clear to me that Ms. Clinton would NOT be a fitting candidate for President. Hopefully, saner minds will prevail.
Now, I'm formerly an ordained minister, and am quite well-learned in regards to Bible passages, customs, traditions and history; so, I'm sorry, Hil, but I fail to see the correlation between Jesus and the Immigration and Naturalization Service. Jesus grew up under the rule of a foreign world power and traveled only between Roman provinces. The US has a border patrol, concerns with national security, regulations regarding visas, green cards, et. al. The Good Samaritan also traveled along a route well known and used by Jew and Samaritan alike.
Plainly, this is one reason why politics and religion don't mix.
Although "Dubya" has unleashed many verbal blunders of his own, (and where I once was one of his staunch supporters-- no more) this faux pas makes it clear to me that Ms. Clinton would NOT be a fitting candidate for President. Hopefully, saner minds will prevail.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Weather buffoons
While the Weather Channel does provide much information about weather trends, conditions, forecasting, etc., they are obviously NOT experts in the use of the English language.
This morning's "Local on the 8's" was as follows:
Today: Partly cloudy skies giving way to clouds in the afternoon.
Say what? Clouds yielding to clouds?
Aaaaaaand... My old fave, Tom Clark, chief meteorologist for WNEP-16 last night described today's forecast as "brisky."
Keep up the great work, Tom, and watch out for "partly coudy" days.
This morning's "Local on the 8's" was as follows:
Today: Partly cloudy skies giving way to clouds in the afternoon.
Say what? Clouds yielding to clouds?
Aaaaaaand... My old fave, Tom Clark, chief meteorologist for WNEP-16 last night described today's forecast as "brisky."
Keep up the great work, Tom, and watch out for "partly coudy" days.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Fresh-brewed stupidity first thing in the morning
Every morning at work, we start by having an update on our numbers, the daily attack plan, etc... This morning's intelligence deficiency occurred in two parts, just seconds from each other, as Jan covered our quarterly Customer Satisfaction Index. Our clients had provided us with feedback and conveyed how many of them were pleased with the products and services we gave them. Most areas were good...
"Correct garments received, 99.6%... Packaging, 92.8%..."
Then, I was flabbergasted when Jan unleashed the next statistic having to do with emblems being placed on the shirts in the correct spot and with the durability required by the customers.
"Trim application, 84.1%. Not bad," she quipped.
NOT BAD? You mean to tell me that a whopping 16% of our garments either had the emblems in the wrong place, or weren't fastened correctly? And that's GOOD??? Boy, have we let our standards slide or what!
Following the indicator of eventual corporate doom, "Cathy," one of the ladies in special operations (the department that applies the emblems) raised her hand and asked, "Excuse me, Jan, but what's 'Trim Application'?" I gawked at her incredulously, and then audibly heard my thoughts from our auditor, "Margie."
"It's what you do ALL day!!!" she blurted.
I lost it, burying my head in my hands to conceal my laughter.
Not a good tone by which to set the rest of the day to, is it?
"Correct garments received, 99.6%... Packaging, 92.8%..."
Then, I was flabbergasted when Jan unleashed the next statistic having to do with emblems being placed on the shirts in the correct spot and with the durability required by the customers.
"Trim application, 84.1%. Not bad," she quipped.
NOT BAD? You mean to tell me that a whopping 16% of our garments either had the emblems in the wrong place, or weren't fastened correctly? And that's GOOD??? Boy, have we let our standards slide or what!
Following the indicator of eventual corporate doom, "Cathy," one of the ladies in special operations (the department that applies the emblems) raised her hand and asked, "Excuse me, Jan, but what's 'Trim Application'?" I gawked at her incredulously, and then audibly heard my thoughts from our auditor, "Margie."
"It's what you do ALL day!!!" she blurted.
I lost it, burying my head in my hands to conceal my laughter.
Not a good tone by which to set the rest of the day to, is it?
Monday, March 20, 2006
2nd today:I laughed SO hard
I don't watch NBC's "Scrubs," but after viewing the following promo, I just might!
VOICE-OVER: Thursday on NBC, an all-new "Scrubs!" The ER has a new mascot!
DOCTOR: It's a hypodermic needle. Say hello to friendly Mr. Prick! (deep, thoughtful pause) Uh, ...We should probably change the name...
Yes, I know-- intentionally stupid. And hilarious!!!
I'm going to hell now, aren't I?
VOICE-OVER: Thursday on NBC, an all-new "Scrubs!" The ER has a new mascot!
DOCTOR: It's a hypodermic needle. Say hello to friendly Mr. Prick! (deep, thoughtful pause) Uh, ...We should probably change the name...
Yes, I know-- intentionally stupid. And hilarious!!!
I'm going to hell now, aren't I?
Numbskull newsmen at work
Today, WNEP-16 (local ABC affiliate) led off their newscast with the story of a fire that destroyed a home, leaving 2 families homeless.
STUPIDITY TANGENT: When interviewed, one of the victims had this to say about his experience...
"I woke up and my neighbor was pounding on the door yelling, 'Fire!', and I didn't know what was going on. So I run downstairs and went outside, and as I went through the front doorway, I see this wall of flames just to my right, and I'm like, (in a Mr. Bill voice) 'Oh, no!'"
Lemme tell you, if I exited a building and a raging inferno was inches from me, I wouldn't be thinking, Oh, no!I'd be thinking, Oh, ________!!!!!!!!!"
ANYHOO, the true stupidity shone through when reporter Bob Reynolds questioned the neighbor across the street. Seems he had a security camera on his front porch, and captured an arsonist in action...
MAN: I gave the police the tape, and I'm glad it's in their hands now. I hope they catch this guy.
REYNOLDS: And why is that?
MAN, after a double-take,incredulously: For the safety of the community, of course.
Of course, what this man really wanted to say was, "What, are you a complete doofus, Bob?"
STUPIDITY TANGENT: When interviewed, one of the victims had this to say about his experience...
"I woke up and my neighbor was pounding on the door yelling, 'Fire!', and I didn't know what was going on. So I run downstairs and went outside, and as I went through the front doorway, I see this wall of flames just to my right, and I'm like, (in a Mr. Bill voice) 'Oh, no!'"
Lemme tell you, if I exited a building and a raging inferno was inches from me, I wouldn't be thinking, Oh, no!I'd be thinking, Oh, ________!!!!!!!!!"
ANYHOO, the true stupidity shone through when reporter Bob Reynolds questioned the neighbor across the street. Seems he had a security camera on his front porch, and captured an arsonist in action...
MAN: I gave the police the tape, and I'm glad it's in their hands now. I hope they catch this guy.
REYNOLDS: And why is that?
MAN, after a double-take,incredulously: For the safety of the community, of course.
Of course, what this man really wanted to say was, "What, are you a complete doofus, Bob?"
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Even more pointless advertising
A local dining establishment apparently struggled with the script submitted to area radio stations, and evidently couldn't think up a good slogan. So, of course, the stations produced it exactly as it was written...
"Remember, at Marvelous Muggs, it's ALWAYS time to eat!"
Time to eat? Oh, rats, I thought you actually sold marvelous mugs! I was looking for a souvenir, darn it all!
"Remember, at Marvelous Muggs, it's ALWAYS time to eat!"
Time to eat? Oh, rats, I thought you actually sold marvelous mugs! I was looking for a souvenir, darn it all!
Saturday, March 18, 2006
This is NOT stupid. Only amazing!
I'm taking a break today from stupidity to post an incredible story I just read.
Please take the time to read this story. It is certainly great to know there are still decent, thoughtful, caring people on this little speck of dust we call Earth.
Notice the key phrase in this tale: "I didn't need it." The good feeling to help someone in need certainly is unequivocal. I know many of us don't have a grand laying around, but ask yourself...
"What can I do to touch someone else today?"
Please take the time to read this story. It is certainly great to know there are still decent, thoughtful, caring people on this little speck of dust we call Earth.
Notice the key phrase in this tale: "I didn't need it." The good feeling to help someone in need certainly is unequivocal. I know many of us don't have a grand laying around, but ask yourself...
"What can I do to touch someone else today?"
Friday, March 17, 2006
So what exactly IS your type?
Earlier this week, my wife (mish-mash mousse) had an appointment with our housing site manager to recertify for another year. (If you don't know, we live in federal housing, but hey! It's OK. It's quiet, clean and we have a roof over our heads.) Our manager, "Doris," is a crass, miserable, rude, relatively unattractive middle-aged gal who smokes like a chimney, never smiles and doesn't give a care about anything, except to hate everything. By her own admission, she hates children, cats, and oh yeah, people on the whole. This confession has been made repeatedly to almost everyone she encounters. (I don't hate people; I just think that many need to get a clue and stop being so stupid!)
During the re-cert process, which was overseen by a county assistant, "Jill," Doris needed to verify information on our food stamp amount, and asked MMM who to contact at the county assistance office...
MMM: Well, good luck getting a hold of him. He never answers his phone and he seldom returns written correspondence.
D: Oh, is that "Larimie"?
MMM: No, it's "Norris."
D: It's too bad it's not Larimie. Everyone likes Larimie! You'd like him! He's always after me to go out with him. He works out, and he's a real sharp dresser. Yeah, he's a real hottie. He looks just like George Clooney. You know, he keeps asking me out, but he's just not my type.
Yeah, like you're truly that lucky.
Jill, who personally knows most of the employees in the assistance office, retorted, "So, have you told him that yet?"
Mish-mash had a most difficult time keeping a straight face...
During the re-cert process, which was overseen by a county assistant, "Jill," Doris needed to verify information on our food stamp amount, and asked MMM who to contact at the county assistance office...
MMM: Well, good luck getting a hold of him. He never answers his phone and he seldom returns written correspondence.
D: Oh, is that "Larimie"?
MMM: No, it's "Norris."
D: It's too bad it's not Larimie. Everyone likes Larimie! You'd like him! He's always after me to go out with him. He works out, and he's a real sharp dresser. Yeah, he's a real hottie. He looks just like George Clooney. You know, he keeps asking me out, but he's just not my type.
Yeah, like you're truly that lucky.
Jill, who personally knows most of the employees in the assistance office, retorted, "So, have you told him that yet?"
Mish-mash had a most difficult time keeping a straight face...
Thursday, March 16, 2006
2nd today: Uh, no thanks, doc, I'll pass...
As I was driving today, I took particular notice (for the first time) of a sign in front of a medical office. I've passed it many times before, but today, Dahhh-ta-da-dummmm! Fresh revelation! It's amazing how much stupidity is right under your nose, and you often don't even (initially) recognize it! The sign read,
RAPHEAL HEART GROUP
Specializing in cardiovascular disease
Shouldn't that read, "Specializing in cardiovascular treatment"?
Remind me not to see these guys if I have trouble with palpitations, high pressure, et. al.
RAPHEAL HEART GROUP
Specializing in cardiovascular disease
Shouldn't that read, "Specializing in cardiovascular treatment"?
Remind me not to see these guys if I have trouble with palpitations, high pressure, et. al.
The media assumes you don't know...
As I sat watching TV the other night, a tease for the local news came on. (Your guess, GJ, was this the teleprompter's doing, or just short-sightedness on the part of the anchor?)
"Coming up on the Fox News at 10, the jury's deadlocked in the Hugo Selinski murder trial. What does that mean? Find out tonight!"
No comment.
"Coming up on the Fox News at 10, the jury's deadlocked in the Hugo Selinski murder trial. What does that mean? Find out tonight!"
No comment.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
2nd today: On the Air-head
As I was painfully subjugated to country music at work today-- sorry, country fans, but I find your choice in music absolutely revolting and comically simple-- I had to snicker at hearing a caller attempt to win tickets to a concert taking place in the area soon. The only thing one had to do was to tell the DJ "what was in common." The jockey listed the titles of three country songs and asked, "What do these three titles have in common?" The caller quickly blurted out, "Uh, they're all sung by male artists!"
"I'm sorry," the DJ chuckled, "That's not the information I was looking for!"
Flabbergasted, the caller responded, "Oh, *&$#@! Oh, uh... er... ...uh, I don't know!"
No kidding.
"I'm sorry," the DJ chuckled, "That's not the information I was looking for!"
Flabbergasted, the caller responded, "Oh, *&$#@! Oh, uh... er... ...uh, I don't know!"
No kidding.
The pinnacle of stupidity has been reached!
It don't get none stupider than this, Cletus...
If stupid is as stupid does, than this guy and his wife have fully earned the Forrest Gump Merit Badge of the 21st Century. Please do click on the link. If you love to shake your head at pure idiocy, it's worth it!
I have nothing else to say except this:
MORONS!
If stupid is as stupid does, than this guy and his wife have fully earned the Forrest Gump Merit Badge of the 21st Century. Please do click on the link. If you love to shake your head at pure idiocy, it's worth it!
I have nothing else to say except this:
MORONS!
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Overlooking the obvious
This past Friday, a local radio station just reported on the unfortunate death of an area man who drowned in a frozen pond. The Bradford County (PA) sheriff's department issued the following statement after the body was recovered: "The 60-year-old man was ice-fishing on a local pond in the unseasonably warm (about 55 degreed F) weather when it appears he fell through the thinning ice."
Oh, is that how that happens?
Oh, is that how that happens?
I believe you MAY be in error...
Special thanks to Chuck Shepherd/ News of the Weird via Universal Press Syndicate...
This past month, a 29-year old man was arrested for jumping over the fence at the White House. Police say the man was looking to meet up with Chelsea Clinton. The Capitol Police officer informed the man the Clintons no longer lived at the White House, but unfazed, the man insisted, "George Bush told me to jump the fence, and I jumped the fence."
Is that like Crazy Tom Cruise jumping the couch?
This past month, a 29-year old man was arrested for jumping over the fence at the White House. Police say the man was looking to meet up with Chelsea Clinton. The Capitol Police officer informed the man the Clintons no longer lived at the White House, but unfazed, the man insisted, "George Bush told me to jump the fence, and I jumped the fence."
Is that like Crazy Tom Cruise jumping the couch?
Saturday, March 11, 2006
3rd today: Bird-brain marketing
In Wally's World today, my wife and I were handed a free sample of Dial Body Wash. One of the packets was designed for men. At home, I took a look at the package, to find out if I'd really use this product. The slogan, "The Ultimate Clean Without Drying Skin" was simple and effective enough, but then the details got just plain weird...
"The Problem: Is it possible to remove odors and get skin really clean without drying skin?"
Isn't that the whole reason for bathing???
"The Result: Smooth skin and a really fresh, clean feeling."
NEWS FLASH: while a clean feeling is important to men, smooth skin is not!
"Other Good Stuff: Rich, foamy lather that rinses clean.
Hey, we're bathing, not shaving with this stuff!
"How to use: (like I need instructions!) 1) Squeeze gel onto washcloth, sponge, pouf, hands...Whatever. 2) Lather up. 3) Rinse off.
1) "Whatever"??? What do you put this stuff on, freaky marketing guy??? 2) Duh! 3) No, I'm gonna step out of the shower and go to work with this crap all over me!
"The Problem: Is it possible to remove odors and get skin really clean without drying skin?"
Isn't that the whole reason for bathing???
"The Result: Smooth skin and a really fresh, clean feeling."
NEWS FLASH: while a clean feeling is important to men, smooth skin is not!
"Other Good Stuff: Rich, foamy lather that rinses clean.
Hey, we're bathing, not shaving with this stuff!
"How to use: (like I need instructions!) 1) Squeeze gel onto washcloth, sponge, pouf, hands...Whatever. 2) Lather up. 3) Rinse off.
1) "Whatever"??? What do you put this stuff on, freaky marketing guy??? 2) Duh! 3) No, I'm gonna step out of the shower and go to work with this crap all over me!
2nd today: Follow-up to "Non-listening skills"
INSTRUCTIONS: If you are new to this post, or if you haven't visited in a few days, please scroll down 2 posts to "Non-listening skills" and read, then return to this post and finish the torrid tale...
Inventory day had arrived. As I previously released in my so-called talk with Jan, I had availed myself to additional service in order to assist with the busy day. Remember, the plan was: get the day's orders picked, processed and shipped, then shut everything down and begin counting.
That was the plan, until Jan decided to mess with the whole ball of wax. After our Friday's orders were picked, instead of beginning the inventory, Jan planned a whole ton of future orders into our system, and created more work. A LOT of it. Almost a full shift's work, in fact. I frantically tried to keep up with the load, pulling the materials called for to move to the pickers. The shift ends at 3:30, and at 1:30 I was still filling requests for garments. Then, Jan called back to my department.
"OK, you've got 40 more requests to process, and then I want you guys (in your department) to start scanning the back for inventory," she demanded.
I audibly guffawed. "That's not happening on our shift!"
Jan contradicted, "Yes, it will."
My patience expired and I pointed out, "Look, I already have 60 request to pull, plus this 40, plus we already have 3 cart-loads of cases to stock. It's NOT happening!"
The befuddlement returned, and Jan muttered in a slightly surprised tone, "Oh... Well, if that's the case, I'll get (my assistant) Pat back there."
Pat never came back. Instead, Jan herself graced us with her clumsy and dazed presence.
She started hauling the boxes off the carts onto the stocking line, despite the fact that she has a bad back. 10 minutes later, the intercom paged, "Jan you have a call on line 1. It's Wynona (the 2nd shift super)."
I couldn't wait to hear what feeble excuse Jan would come up with, so I positioned my forklift in such a manner as to be able to overhear her, yet look busy.
Jan stammered, "Hi, Wynona... ...No, we haven't started (counting) yet... ...No, we're still processing future work... ...Well, I'm sorry... ...I know that makes it difficult for you, but we're committed now... ...Yes, I know that now. I'm sorry..."
I rarely say this, but... "I TOLD you so!!!"
So, are you still insistent that you're not easily confused, Jan?
Inventory day had arrived. As I previously released in my so-called talk with Jan, I had availed myself to additional service in order to assist with the busy day. Remember, the plan was: get the day's orders picked, processed and shipped, then shut everything down and begin counting.
That was the plan, until Jan decided to mess with the whole ball of wax. After our Friday's orders were picked, instead of beginning the inventory, Jan planned a whole ton of future orders into our system, and created more work. A LOT of it. Almost a full shift's work, in fact. I frantically tried to keep up with the load, pulling the materials called for to move to the pickers. The shift ends at 3:30, and at 1:30 I was still filling requests for garments. Then, Jan called back to my department.
"OK, you've got 40 more requests to process, and then I want you guys (in your department) to start scanning the back for inventory," she demanded.
I audibly guffawed. "That's not happening on our shift!"
Jan contradicted, "Yes, it will."
My patience expired and I pointed out, "Look, I already have 60 request to pull, plus this 40, plus we already have 3 cart-loads of cases to stock. It's NOT happening!"
The befuddlement returned, and Jan muttered in a slightly surprised tone, "Oh... Well, if that's the case, I'll get (my assistant) Pat back there."
Pat never came back. Instead, Jan herself graced us with her clumsy and dazed presence.
She started hauling the boxes off the carts onto the stocking line, despite the fact that she has a bad back. 10 minutes later, the intercom paged, "Jan you have a call on line 1. It's Wynona (the 2nd shift super)."
I couldn't wait to hear what feeble excuse Jan would come up with, so I positioned my forklift in such a manner as to be able to overhear her, yet look busy.
Jan stammered, "Hi, Wynona... ...No, we haven't started (counting) yet... ...No, we're still processing future work... ...Well, I'm sorry... ...I know that makes it difficult for you, but we're committed now... ...Yes, I know that now. I'm sorry..."
I rarely say this, but... "I TOLD you so!!!"
So, are you still insistent that you're not easily confused, Jan?
Already got a head start
St. Patrick's Day in Northeastern PA means public drunkenness, a huge parade and general debauchery unparalleled by any other holiday. The green beer overflows into the streets, hootin' and hollerin' fills the air and you can't go anywhere without seeing somebody falling all over themselves. With that little bit of history established...
The local weekly tabloid "Electric City" regularly features a section called "We Asked... You Answered." This week's question: "Where's the place to be on Parade Day (March 11)?"
Most answers were clear and to the point, naming local pubs and eateries like "Farley's," "Tink's" and "The Banshee." 2 other responses were a bit more odd. One contains too much information (referred to as "TMI" from this point on in this blog), while the second hints at this post's title. First...
Shannon Graham, 24, offers, "It's gonna be my first time going (to the parade). Farley's I hear is the best especially the bartender that's gonna be bartending that day. The hottest guy and the hottest girl."
Huh?
Joellen "Smashed to Smithereens" Cerra answers a bit more vaguely. "Kegs of root beer and eggs at 6 a.m!"
OK, you're already bombed to Hiroshima, and you're gonna down root beer and eggs first thing in the morning?!? Can you say, "Mulligan Stew???"
The local weekly tabloid "Electric City" regularly features a section called "We Asked... You Answered." This week's question: "Where's the place to be on Parade Day (March 11)?"
Most answers were clear and to the point, naming local pubs and eateries like "Farley's," "Tink's" and "The Banshee." 2 other responses were a bit more odd. One contains too much information (referred to as "TMI" from this point on in this blog), while the second hints at this post's title. First...
Shannon Graham, 24, offers, "It's gonna be my first time going (to the parade). Farley's I hear is the best especially the bartender that's gonna be bartending that day. The hottest guy and the hottest girl."
Huh?
Joellen "Smashed to Smithereens" Cerra answers a bit more vaguely. "Kegs of root beer and eggs at 6 a.m!"
OK, you're already bombed to Hiroshima, and you're gonna down root beer and eggs first thing in the morning?!? Can you say, "Mulligan Stew???"
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Non-listening skills
I had a "conversation"-- if you can call it that-- with my shift super, Jan today. Our company inventory is tomorrow, and the basic plan for the day is as follows: pick Friday's orders, process and ship them, then get everyone on physical counts. In other words, second shift will do more counting that first. With that said...
Being that I have a background with inventory control, I offered to be flexible with my shift, either by changing shifts, swing-shifting or even working 4 hours OT. Jan replied, "I think it's best for us to have everyone we need on first so we can begin our counts as soon as possible."
Not shaken by that, I said, "OK, that's fine. Do you need me to stay after and assist with the counts?"
Silently, a mental lapse occurred. "No, I need you here at 7:00 in the morning."
My brain hemorrhaged at the obvious disconnect between the last exchange. "Yes, I understand that. What I'm saying is that I could stay later as well with OT."
(Wasn't that a clear-cut sentence? Apparently not...)
"Well, thanks, but I need you here at the start of first shift."
As the stupidity hanging in the air wrapped around my cerebral cortex, I hesitated, and deliberately spoke, "I WILL be here at 7:00. That's fine. I have no problem with that. What I'm asking is if you would like me to work 7 - 3:30, and then stay to help second shift out on their counts, so you have an extra hand to help expedite inventory counting."
A look of complete and utter befuddlement crossed Jan's face. She blankly stared at me for a moment, then finally found the unction to utter, "Well, I'm not sure how that's going to work out. I'll get back to you on that."
The moral of the story: Jan is NOT easily confused! ...I think... Perhaps... That is, well, ...er... ...What was the question?
Being that I have a background with inventory control, I offered to be flexible with my shift, either by changing shifts, swing-shifting or even working 4 hours OT. Jan replied, "I think it's best for us to have everyone we need on first so we can begin our counts as soon as possible."
Not shaken by that, I said, "OK, that's fine. Do you need me to stay after and assist with the counts?"
Silently, a mental lapse occurred. "No, I need you here at 7:00 in the morning."
My brain hemorrhaged at the obvious disconnect between the last exchange. "Yes, I understand that. What I'm saying is that I could stay later as well with OT."
(Wasn't that a clear-cut sentence? Apparently not...)
"Well, thanks, but I need you here at the start of first shift."
As the stupidity hanging in the air wrapped around my cerebral cortex, I hesitated, and deliberately spoke, "I WILL be here at 7:00. That's fine. I have no problem with that. What I'm asking is if you would like me to work 7 - 3:30, and then stay to help second shift out on their counts, so you have an extra hand to help expedite inventory counting."
A look of complete and utter befuddlement crossed Jan's face. She blankly stared at me for a moment, then finally found the unction to utter, "Well, I'm not sure how that's going to work out. I'll get back to you on that."
The moral of the story: Jan is NOT easily confused! ...I think... Perhaps... That is, well, ...er... ...What was the question?
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Super "bowl" down under, mate
This may win the award for the understatement of the year...
Seems America isn't the only Western-culture nation battling the Bulge. The Aussies are also "enlarging their territories," and experiencing an increasing amount of structural issues in the bathroom.
Standard Australia is undergoing a rigorous project to attempt to design a stronger toilet, and, as usual, somebody had to overstate the obvious. Steve Cummings, research head for the toilet manufacturer Caroma Dorf spouted, "If you are going to sit on it, you want it to hold you."
Gee, ya think?!?
"J'have a good day, Mick?"
"Nah. Got me arse stuck in the crapper when it broke." Got a big 'ol gash in the buttocks."
Seems America isn't the only Western-culture nation battling the Bulge. The Aussies are also "enlarging their territories," and experiencing an increasing amount of structural issues in the bathroom.
Standard Australia is undergoing a rigorous project to attempt to design a stronger toilet, and, as usual, somebody had to overstate the obvious. Steve Cummings, research head for the toilet manufacturer Caroma Dorf spouted, "If you are going to sit on it, you want it to hold you."
Gee, ya think?!?
"J'have a good day, Mick?"
"Nah. Got me arse stuck in the crapper when it broke." Got a big 'ol gash in the buttocks."
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Why would you say that?!?
Continuing on the theme of poorly chosen everyday phrases....
"I've gotta pee like a race horse!"
Why oh why is a race horse the standard for urination? Does a race horse go more often than any other horse? Did Secretariat have a smaller bladder than Mr. Ed? Has somebody taken the time to measure the quantity that a thoroughbred pees and compared it to other animals? (I don't doubt it!) Is the size of a human bladder the same as a horse's? And furthermore, what do the makers of products like Detrol think of this?
"Side affects are mild, and may include dry mouth, constipation and peeing like a race horse..."
"I've gotta pee like a race horse!"
Why oh why is a race horse the standard for urination? Does a race horse go more often than any other horse? Did Secretariat have a smaller bladder than Mr. Ed? Has somebody taken the time to measure the quantity that a thoroughbred pees and compared it to other animals? (I don't doubt it!) Is the size of a human bladder the same as a horse's? And furthermore, what do the makers of products like Detrol think of this?
"Side affects are mild, and may include dry mouth, constipation and peeing like a race horse..."
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Another senseless phrase
"This hurts like the dickens!"
Could somebody please tell me what dickens are? And what do they feel like? I know they apparently hurt a lot, but how does one go about comparing a sprain, bruise, etc. to dickens? And why are there ALWAYS more than one dicken? Where does "dickens" fit in on that pain chart in the hospital ER? You know, "On a scale of 1 - 10, please describe your pain." Is dickens a 7? A 5? Which also leads me to...
"It bled/oozed like a French pig."
When did a French pig became the standard for measuring bodily discharge? Does it HAVE to be French? Does a pig bleed more than a cow? Have you actually stood around to watch a pig get slaughtered? Did your paper cut bleed like a French pig? Wow. It must have hurt like the dickens!
Could somebody please tell me what dickens are? And what do they feel like? I know they apparently hurt a lot, but how does one go about comparing a sprain, bruise, etc. to dickens? And why are there ALWAYS more than one dicken? Where does "dickens" fit in on that pain chart in the hospital ER? You know, "On a scale of 1 - 10, please describe your pain." Is dickens a 7? A 5? Which also leads me to...
"It bled/oozed like a French pig."
When did a French pig became the standard for measuring bodily discharge? Does it HAVE to be French? Does a pig bleed more than a cow? Have you actually stood around to watch a pig get slaughtered? Did your paper cut bleed like a French pig? Wow. It must have hurt like the dickens!
And now, a stupid everyday saying
"It's raining cats and dogs out there."
OK, who was the SICK FREAK that first thought up this phrase? This wack-job actually envisions thousands of domesticated animals hurtling down from the sky on their way to a bloody death?!? And why cats and dogs? Why not fish and hampsters, or something else? Why must we abuse helpless canines and felines like it's going out of style?
Your input, Kurt?
OK, who was the SICK FREAK that first thought up this phrase? This wack-job actually envisions thousands of domesticated animals hurtling down from the sky on their way to a bloody death?!? And why cats and dogs? Why not fish and hampsters, or something else? Why must we abuse helpless canines and felines like it's going out of style?
Your input, Kurt?
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