Consumerism for the clueless

I recently had a roasted chicken dinner at a take-out place. As per custom, the dinner was accessorized by the infamous plastic bag filled with cheap utensils, napkin, salt and pepper packets, and the world-reknowned moist towellette. For some ridiculous reason, I happened to take notice of the towellette, and something written on the back caught my eye: "Directions for use."
Are you jerking my chain? You actually felt the need for printing directions for using your moist towellette? This fact, in and of itself, is completely insane, but it gets better when you read the 3-step directions. I hadn't previously comprehended that you could actually break down usage of a wet piece of paper into smaller increments!
"1) Tear open outer packaging."
Ohhhhh, is that how it works?! I thought I wasn't any cleaner!
"2) Unfold towellette."
Yeah, I guess that'd be more effective than this tiny 1" square would be!
"3) Use, wiping on hands and face."
...Does "use" actually count as a direction step? And who in their right mind would smear that thing over their face? Have you smelled a moist towellette lately? "Hey, what's that perfume you're wearing? Smells like lemon!" "Uh, it's actually 'Moist towellette!'"

If you can't figure out how to use this product without reading the directions, you don't DESERVE to have clean hands and face!