Not stupid, but extremely cute

Tonight, for a change-up dinner, my wife made chocolate-chip pancakes, IHOP style... The kids, as expected, got pretty silly and hyper, and getting them ready for bed was a lot more difficult than usual. Throughout the evening, my wife often told the kids, "I think those chocolate chips went straight to your head."
My 5-year-old son, "JD," finally settled in and got ready to say his prayers. It was difficult keeping a somewhat-straight face as he prayed, "God, please take the chocolate chips away and get me out of my head."

Ah, a Family Circus moment.

Who Wants To Be a Moron?

As some of you may know, Regis Philbin, aka "America's Most Annoying Male Personality" is hosting the Fox Network's NYE celebration. Have you seen the promo? First of all, Reeg comes on in that frantic, shrill, hyper "HI!!!!!!! I'm Regis Philbin!!!!"
(Sarcastically) Oh, goody.

I'm glad you cleared that up buddy, because I was waiting for the Oreck infomercial....

Reeg goes on to talk about all the happenings of the show, including a humongous list of musical acts and other show-biz entertainers, and then concludes in that same monotone, spastic tone:
"HEY! HOW LONG IS THIS SHOW ANYWAY???"

A) ...Great way to promote interest in your show, Philbin! What, are you in a hurry to get into your dressing room at the end of the show to be alone with that jug of Dom Perignon?
B) Didn't the show producers tell you how long the show was? I can see it now. "...Yeah, when the show ends, keep the cameras rolling. We'll see how long we can feed his ego! I've got a sawbuck on 5:30 AM!"

Happy 2006, everybody!

Wait. I don't get it.

A local banquet hall has an ad for their facility for New Year's Eve night. "These family New Year's Eve celebrations are free and we guarantee it! That's right, these free events will cost you absolutely nothing!"

...So, ...How much is it?

Repeat after me... "IDIOT!"

Mike Farris, Esq., one of the leaders of an organization called Home School Legal Defense Association, is a frequent contributor to an E-zine called "Homeschool Heartbeat." It is designed to encourage homeschool parents and foster creative ideas. Not every idea is a good one...
Mr. Farris talked about ways to further interest your tactile learner in their education. (They best learn through hands-on experience.) "...You're going to have to be creative in giving your kinesthetic learner things to touch... Don't just tell him about evaporation; put some water on to boil and let him feel it!"

I can't believe a lawyer gave that kind of advise.
"Hey, Johnny! What happened to your arm? It looks horrible!"
"Oh. Second-degree steam burn. That's OK. Mommy sued somebody and I now have enough money for my entire college tuition!"

High society

My wife has just returned from a failed attempt to see the Nutcracker at a small local university. (The ballet company gave out more tickets than there were seats, which is worthy of a place on this blog by itself!) Anyway, as she walked back to the parking lot to get back into her car, she noticed a brother and sister, apparently in their early 20's, walking a couple of short paces behind an older lady. The sister was well dressed, and quite "Valley Girl." She was most upset at not getting into the Nutcracker, and whined, "Mooooooommy! Take us somewhere!!! Let's go for... sushi! There's got to be a restaurant on this place!"
The brother seemed to be familiar with the campus. "No," he snapped. "There's not!"
Unfazed, Ms. Underprivileged moaned, "Well, what's there to do around here? Mommy, let's find something to do!"
The brother had had quite enough of this incessant boo-hooing. "There isn't anything to do here. This is a school. And it's closed!"
The dim light bulb of adolescent recognition flashed briefly. "Ohhhhhh..."

...And your application to this institution is due for a rejection!

Home shopping in the membrane!

Years ago, at the telecom break room, Pat entered to see that QVC was on the TV. Only one other person was in the room at the time, a middle-aged gal named Carol. She was a very kind, but introverted, lady. Though she often did watch QVC or HSN, she was contentedly reading a novel, not paying the idiot box any attention whatsoever. Therefore, Pat politely asked Carol, "Would you mind if I changed the channel?"
Carol looked a bit startled as she took her gaze off her book. After a brief thoughtful pause, she answered, "OK. No problem."
Pat put on ESPN, or something like that, and settled down for his break. Well, scarcely a minute later, Carol closed her book, got up to leave the room, and muttered, "...But I like jewelry!"

For the next 15 minutes, you can buy an attention span for only $13.99!!! Call in now, operators are standing by!

The blind leading the helpless

Sometimes I wonder how long my job will exist, especially with the cranial fog leading us...
My supervisor Jan was looking for a specific uniform emblem. Since part of my duties are to stock such materials, she asked me about it. I don't have a problem with that, but I do have a problem with how quickly the conversation deteriorated.
JAN: Did you stock any emblems today?
MR. I: Yeah, early this morning...
JAN: When?
MR. I: First thing. It was quarter after 5.
JAN: Where are they?
MR. I, not believing what my ears have heard: In their proper locations!
JAN, not believing I had given her a literal answer: Oh... (long pause, accompanied by a vacant stare)

I can hear Butthead's voice now... "Uuuuuuuhhhhhhhh, huh-hhh-h-huh!"

You know, It wouldn't have been the last work day before Christmas without some kind of mental fiasco. Merry Red and Green day. (For those who don't get it, read PerpetualChocoholic's blog...)

Bombed in Beantown

Some people take sports WAY too seriously...

An acquaintance of mine who is a huge Boston Red Sox fan recently posted on his blog, upset about one of the Sox's star players signing a contract with the archrival NY Yankees. I'm not sure if he was so angry that his ability to communicate properly was blurred, or if he had downed a few Long Island iced teas too many. Anyhoo, I shall type his post EXACTLY as he typed it.

DAMON DUMPS SOX FOR YANKS

Another fails to do off-season movement by the red sox...
As for Johnny Damon the $52 1000000 contract of Yanks which cannot maintain Damon which signs exactly in 4.

I the sickness on this am literal. As for our front offices there are shambles. We are talent peddling where we are best. That has done the fact that already they are 86 years completely. If us good fortune, it is that.

Who wrote this, Yoda???

It's great to know that the author of this piece of genius is an IT analyzer for a major American corporation. Makes you take pride in American products and services, does not it!

Lacking common $en$e

My wife took the kids to the local dollar store today (bold letters to drive home a point) so they could buy some gifts for family members. While there, my wife heard the following exchange between an older (but not elderly) couple as they were buying things for-- apparently-- their granddaughter...
MRS, holding up an item: What do you think of this?
MR, tone of apathy: Well, I don't know...
MRS: Why? What's wrong with it?
MR: How much is it?
MRS: It's a dollar, dear.
MR, hesitantly: Well, ...I don't know. There's no price on it!
MRS, patiently: It's a dollar. Everything in this store's a dollar.
MR: Well, I'm still not sure... I'd better go ask someone how much this is.

Yeah, you do that buddy. And while you're at it, ask the clerk what name is listed on your driver's license.
DEDUCTION: This man does NOT have a future with the IRS or the US Treasury.

Signs, signs, everywhere a sign

Today, my supervisor Jan pooled everyone from my shift together to go over some basic fire safety procedures. She began by covering a list of primary exits for us to leave the building by should there be a fire or a drill.
"All of these doors that has the 'exit' sign above them, those are our exits."

REALLY!? I just thought those signs were for illumination in case the lights went out!

Unintelligent design

Today, as I sat with some of my co-workers at lunch, the newscast on the cafeteria TV informed us that a Harrisburg (PA) judge ruled that the Dover (PA) Area School District could NOT teach Intelligent Design in its Biology materials. (This whole case was made famous by radical statements made by Pat "My Foot Is Tasty" Robertson.)
"Bess" said, "I don't even know anything about it. What's Intelligent Design?"
I proceeded to tell her, stating, "I don't see what the big issue is. It's not religion. It's a belief system, just like evolution is."
"Alena" was clearly agitated. "No, evolution is a theory."
I replied, "Right. A theory, by definition, is a scientific proposition that is not or cannot be absolutely proven. Therefore, it's a belief."
Alena disagreed. "Just because it's not proven does not make it a belief!"
I rationally explained, saying, "If something cannot be proven, then it takes faith to accept it as truth. Hence, it IS a belief! But faith is required. Intelligent Design is not necessarily advocating a specific God or higher being; it only proposes that a higher, outside force is responsible for the order of the universe. It is NOT religion, it's simply a belief system!"
Alena shook her head, and defiantly voiced, "I'm highly against anything that requires that you go to church."
WHAT???
Yes, I see on page 2 of the I.D. textbooks that it reads, "In order for the reader to grasp the concepts taught in this book, it is necessary, without exception, that you regularly attend and participate in a fundamentalist Christian church."

I should know better than to try to have a logical discussion with some of my fellow employees. Therefore, I submit to Sierra that I should be nominated for the Idiot Cloud Award for today...

Wheel of Fortune confessional

Upon watching "Wheel" tonight, I laughed when Pat Sajak did the customary contestant introductions... A gal from Jamaica, NY presented herself thusly:
"I have a beautiful baby boy, Isaac. Along with going to work every day, I've re-entered Elementary school."

Needless to say, she didn't make it to the bonus round!

Somethin's goin' down!

...Chapter 572 from "the Annals of My Sojourns at a Major Telecommunications Company..."
As usual, after taking directory assistance calls for a couple of hours, my buddy Pat and I went into the break room to unwind and maybe catch up on some TV viewing. We sat on a couch at the back of the room, and Dee ("I burned my @$$!"-Getting to the seat of the problem) entered the scene, briefly sitting in a chair at a table directly in front of us. She was just getting ready to start her shift, and as she gathered her things to go into the office, a whole bunch of garbage fell out of her sweatshirt. We tried not to visibly chuckle as we viewed a Wendy's French fry box, tissues, a straw and a couple of other paper products crumpled up on the floor at Dee's feet. Dee became flustered and in mock amazement, asked, (with GREAT animation) "How did that happen? Where did those come from???"
I couldn't keep my big yap shut. "Um, they fell out of your shirt!"
She obviously couldn't believe that we had witnessed this strange event. "How did they get in there? How???"
We started laughing. It was just too funny. However, in an attempt to be polite, I got up from my comfy seat in an effort to pick the trash up.
Dee wouldn't have any of that. "No, no, that's OK. I guess I'm gonna have to go down for it."
This was the last thing spoken, but it wasn't the end of our bizarre experience.
Dee picked up the items, and left to dispose of them in a proper receptacle. I turned to see Pat laughing so hard that his face was literally candy-apple red.
It took a couple of minutes for Pat to catch his breath. "She just mooned me!" he choked.
"What?" I asked.
"She wasn't wearing any underpants!!! She bent down to pick up that stuff, and her #@&* was right in front of my face!!!"

My eyes!!! The burning! MY EYES!!!
Ah, yes. There's nothing like a large, unsanitary woman who stores crap in her shirt and goes commando to her phone job.

Job requirement: sight

My job at a distribution center is not a place that requires rocket science, only that you pay attention to what's going on.
One of the features in the building are blue carts located at various points within the facility along the two main aisles. When the order pickers empty a cardboard container of garments, they cut it flat and lay them on the cart. Then, later on, maintenance takes the pile of flattened boxes to the baler.
Today, I was assisting the order pickers, and I happened upon a small pile of flattened boxes laying on the floor where a blue cart would normally be located. For whatever reason, the cart had been moved to the other side of the aisle. It was not visually obscured or hidden. I asked-- not expecting an answer, "Who left all these boxes on the floor!?" (It's a safety issue.)
"Leila" emerged from a side aisle. "I did," she replied. "...Since the cart wasn't there."
I turned and pointed at the cart located a scant 8 feet away, just on the other side of the aisle! "It's right there," I informed her.
Leila got an annoyed look on her face, and with disgust, snorted, "Well, how do they expect us to find it there?"

If ignorance is bliss, it appears Leila has found paradise.

Orthodontic faux pas

Years ago, as I worked in my mid-management position for a major telecommunications company, a man from Tennessee joined our directory assistance team... His name was John, but we all called him "Big Show" due to the fact that he was about 6'4" and beefy, and had a voice like Elvis. Well, old Big Show wasn't exactly the most intellectually diligent person on earth. Sometimes, he just plain lacked common sense.
The ordeal began as he was taking calls while munching on some pretzel nuggets. (First, how'd you like to be requesting a phone number and hear the operator constantly crunching in your ear?) Well, I paid this no mind initially, until he loudly winced in pain. His hand was on his mouth. I watched as he ended his call, went to the bathroom, and then came back to tell me, "Ah chipped a tooth, and it hurts real bad, ya know." I looked, and indeed, he had. His top front tooth had severed in half.
I told him to talk to the office manager, which he did, and then left for the day.
The next day he came back, telling us he went to the oral surgeon and had it capped. That should have been the end of the story, but, if it were, you wouldn't be reading it!
No more than 5 days later, another cry of agony escaped Big Show's lips. This time I went to his desk to check on him.
"Ouch! Ah think ah just chipped muh tooth again! The same one!!!"
I looked down next to his keyboard, and saw a large stash of Life-Savers. "Were you just eating those?" I asked in doubtful anticipation.
John looked beside himself. "Well, yeah, but ah don't see what that has to do with anythin'."

Thfmmk yih, thfmmk yih fvrrmy moomphf.

Media moron

Bob Scheiffer, temporary (thank God) anchor for the CBS Evening News, recently did a live interview with Sen. McCain (R-Az) regarding treatment of prisoners of war. For those of you who don't know, McCain himself survived as a POW in Vietnam. Anyhoo, Scheiffer coveted the senator's expert viewpoint by posing this cloud of brain flaccidity:
"Why do you think the US needs to seek legislation to ban torture?"

Did Bob think he was questioning a reincarnate Hitler???

More mall madness

For whatever reason, the TV ads for our local mall, "The Mall at Steamtown" are just completely idiotic and devoid of purpose. To drive home my point, I quote:
"Every time you shop the Mall at Steamtown, you'll find us in the exact same great convenient location!!"

Yeah, it'd really suck to have to drive to a different place every time I wanted to go shopping.

Clueless cash flow

A radio ad for an e-commerce car loan company is commonly featured in our local market. What really gets me is the senseless lack of logic behind it....
"Last year, my husband got hurt and was unable to work. I couldn't get a job, and the bills kept on piling up. Finally, we had to declare bankruptcy. When it came time to get a car for our daughter, no car dealer would give us a second look. Then I logged on to GoofyCarLoans.com...*

...And you'll pay on the loan with what income?

*Name of E-company changed to protect its shroud of sheer stupidity intact

Can't see the trees through the Wal-mart

As my wife completed her Christmas shopping for the kids yesterday, she passed a group of teens in one aisle near electronics. Other than the fact that they were amazingly under-dressed for this time of year (it was about 25*F (-4*C)), the slobby youths were looking bewildered and lost. The one scabby boy said to his group of friends, "Hey... I thought you said there's trees in this store. I don't see any!"
...In electronics...
One of her female compadres disgustingly turned to the first and snorted, "They're outside!"
Scabby looked only partially enlightened. "Oh... Well..., what're they doing out there?"
...Mind you, as you drive into the parking lot, you pass the trees in the home & garden department...
Apparently, a tree just wasn't that important. "Well, I don't wanna go out there. I don't have a coat!"
What, did you teleport yourself from the car?

If a brainless stoner falls in the middle of a big store, and nobody is around to hear it, does he make a sound?

Mystery meat??

A friend of mine had just finished a large meal when a slight gastral eruption escaped from her lips. She paused, thoughtfully stared, and then asked me, "...Ever burp something and not know what it was?"

Food for thought, shall we say...

Another geographically challenged man

In an interview with NBA sports star Ron Artest, he disclosed he wished to be traded from his current team, the Indiana Pacers. But to whom?
"If I go to the West Coast, I would come back to New York... [Or] I would go to Cleveland..."

I gather he didn't obtain a 4.0 in college.

Thanks for the input, Chang. Not!

My wife and I had Chinese last night. The lack of creativity by the fortune cookie writers became evident when my wife read her bland offering:
"Everything has an end."

You mean, like your career as a fortune writer?

This was NOT the wierdest fortune I have ever seen. Once, a co-worker of mine received this message: "A nice cake awaits you."

Darn it, I'm all full from the fortune cookie!

Overly fixated on chronology

As I hear many many many Christmas carols and songs on the radio, I begin to realize how insane a few of them are. ...Especially one popular one by the Beach Boys.
"Christmas comes this time each year!"

Well, it is common knowledge that the Wilson brothers were usually under the influence for years...

My kind of shopping mall!

An ad for our local mall was on TV just a bit ago. The video feed shows a woman sitting at the edge of one of those wishing fountains in the middle of the main walkway, bordered by art deco tiles. At that exact moment, the voice-over quips, "...Featuring a lovely tiled bathroom for your convenience!!!"

Then the gal swirls her hand in the water in the fountain!

Forget pennies. Next time I go to the fountain, I'm putting something else in!
...No, not for real.

Bart's in a fog-- literally

My good ol' co-worker Bart is, among other things, an avid sportsman. He took 2 days off of work just to go hunting. Well, he got his buck, butchered it himself that very day, and has lived solely on venison since. There's only one problem. It obviously doesn't agree with him, if you know what I mean. Things were already bad before deer season; my department refers to the bathroom as "Bart's office." You get the drift. (oh, BAD pun!!)
This morning was particularly atrocious. It was easy to tell where Bart was, and where he had been. Purple haze hung everywhere! Finally, Sam had the guts to say, "Uh, Bart, you think you might want to check your pants?"
Bart was clueless. "Why? What do you mean?"
Sam shook his head, "You reek, man."
Bart either had no sense of smell or didn't care about hygiene. "What?"
Sam came right to the point, and said, in more colorful terms, "I think you may have soiled yourself."
Bart was either defiant or completely daft, I can't be sure which one. "What are you talking about? I don't smell anything."

Meanwhile, the rest of us were asphyxiating.

I spent a good portion of the day reliving childhood memories of silly quotes like, "He who denied it supplied it," etc... Yes, I know. Men are so anal!

Getting paid to ask pointless questions

Ya know, I wish I was a sportscaster. Where else do you get to be a doofus in front of millions of viewers, and still come out smelling like a rose? Oh, yeah, and having a wad of dough in your pocket!
My fave is when a sports reporter interviews a coach or star player of a team that just won a championship. Invariably, the question/statement that flies out of their mouths is, "Could you try and describe the feeling in the locker room right now?"

Gee, Bob, it really sucks! Can you please describe what you're doped up on for me?

A heck of a lotta good this'll do ya!

Saw an ad on TV that made me say, "WHAT???" and then laugh out loud. (Modern medicine is great! You can treat a set of symptoms and trade them in for a whole new set when your body screams, "WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING IN ME???")
Toprol is a beta-blocker that's used to treat hypertension, angina, and heart failure. At least that's what its website says.
First ridiculous thing: "You should not take Toprol if you have uncontrolled heart failure."
Um, isn't heart failure what you're trying to treat?
Second ridiculous and hilarious thing: "Avoid activities which require alertness."
Therefore, the following activities are taboo while you are taking this product:
Waking up in the morning.
Conversing with others.
Walking.
Watching TV, unless you're just using it as background noise to lull you to sleep.
Reading.
Dressing yourself.
Eating, unless you're being spoon-fed by someone else.
Bathing.
In other words, life in general!

Sorry, doc, I can't take Toprol. I have to live tomorrow.

More bad underwear slogans

Man, I just can't get away from the butt lately!

While shopping in Stuff-mart today, I passed through the men's clothing department, and unfortunately encountered a wide assortment of boxers with slogans that make me want to sing the old Sesame Street song, "One of these things just doesn't belong..." Although the store was all sold out of "The Twilight Zone" underwear, My wife and I did have the opportunity to collapse our heads into our hands upon seeing the following:

(Steamy, dirty socks with print below) What is that stench? It's fantastic!
(M&M guy dressed as Santa in a chimney) HELP! I'M STUCK!
(The Grinch clutching a Christmas tree, which was placed in a very interesting spot.)
--This one reminds me of Kris's post, "Before You Personalize..."

What, are people looking for gag gifts just extraordinarily cruel this year??

Do we really need this product?

Speaking of butts....
My wife was in the pharmacy today to get some mineral oil. (...For my 21-month-old son!) After the last couple of posts I've furnished on this blog, she got a kick out of what she saw right above the mineral oil...
BORDEAUX'S BUTT PASTE
Heals diaper rash and dry, cracked skin
--Goes on easy, comes off clean!
--Pleasant fragrance

Dude, this is just so incredibly wrong on so many levels...

Yet another pain in the arse

OMG. The fact that people actually research stuff like this, and then feel the undeniable urge to share it with the entire world!!! Reuters News service relayed this oh so pertinent and life-changing story to us, the unwitting public...

Study: Longer Needles Needed for Bigger Buttocks
Fatter rear ends are causing many drug injections to miss their mark, requiring longer needles to reach buttock muscle, researches said...
Standard-sized needles failed to reach the buttock muscle in 23 out of 25 women whose rears were examined after what was supposed to be an intramuscular injection of a drug.
Two-thirds of the 50 patients in the study did not receive the full dosage of the drug, which instead lodged in the fat tissue of their buttocks...
Besides patients receiving less of the correct drug dosage, medications that remain lodged in fat can cause infection or irritation, researcher Victoria Chan said.
"We have identified a new problem related, in part, to the increasing amount of fat in patients' buttocks," Chan said.
...The 25 men and 25 women studied at the hospital ranged in age from 21 to 87.

YUCK! Old, fat rumps getting repeatedly stabbed by people locating and identifying!

Getting to the seat of the problem

A few years ago, I worked for a major telecommunications company in the directory assistance department. Not only did I take calls from customers, providing them phone numbers, I also worked as mid-management, documenting time records, handling payroll, calculating employee work adherence, etc. I sat in the front of the office on a small, slightly elevated platform performing these duties.
One day, one of my co-workers innocently got up from taking calls to use the facilities. "Dee" was a very large, unkempt, loud, often-unbathed and socially aloof creature. I dreaded any interchange of wordage with her. Anyway, I saw her go out the office door, and thought nothing else of it, attending to my work. ...Until...
A few minutes later, Dee waddled back into the office with a ferocious anger scarring her already frightening face. It wasn't the waddle of a large person; no, this gait had pain written all over it. My assistant "Keila" and I fearfully awaited her approach as she made a bee-line toward my desk. Then, as 80+ employees are trying to service their customers on the phone lines, Dee blurted out, "The cleaning lady just finished up in the ladies' room, and the cleaning solution burned my @$$!!!"
I sat stunned at what I, and everyone else, had just heard.
Keila burst out laughing.
Keila actually had to go and file an accident report and submit it to our boss.

...But wait, there's more!

The next day, Dee hobbled into the office at the start of her shift and informed us, "Well, I had to go to the doctor, and he prescribed a special topical cream. I need help putting it on! I can't reach back there!"

Well, DON'T look at me!
The story you have just read is true. Only the names were changed to protect the innocent and the bizarre. Really. I have witnesses.