No, Tommy, the SHOES! THE SHOES!!!

Today was a day beyond incredulous. Just within the span of 9 hours, I have encountered 6 instances of outrageous stupidity. (...And I wasn't looking for it!) I shall refrain from overloading your senses and spread it out over the course of a few days...

Two words: TOO MUCH. I was logging onto my Yahoo! homepage, and was greeted by this lovely pic on the login screen.
Ok, so we still haven't gotten to catch a glimpse of Suri Cruise yet locked safely away in Tom's house of holistic horrors, but we can view-- no, BID ON-- her bronzed poop???

Just when you thought the Cruiser couldn't possibly weird us out further, he manages to scrape the bottom of the proverbial compost pile. Or maybe not quite so proverbial.

Ask the expert

Yesterday, I made a beverage delivery to a local convenient store. Because of problems at the bottling plant, we haven't been able to send most of our 20-ounce bottles of soda to our customers. In the usual case of "Don't shoot the messenger," I often get the brunt of complaints when a delivery doesn't arrive complete; but I'm not a salesman or a counselor!
As I entered the store, the manager jumped on me immediately. "Did you bring us our Sunkist and A&W Root beer?" she interrogated.
"No," I deflected, "We're really not sure when we'll get them in."
She pointed to the empty slots (where these sodas would normally go) in the cooler, and sputtered, "What do you suggest I do with that???"

Hey, don't look at me, it's not my store!

What gives Bob Barker the creeps

Our family had briefly looked into getting a cat. Being that we reside in public housing, we needed to check with our housing manager first, and find out the appropriate steps we would have to take before bringing a feline home. "Doris" told us what forms we'd have to fill out, how much the pet deposit would be, and so on. Then she added, "Of course, the cat has to be up-to-date on all shots, and must be spayed and/or neutered."

"...AND/or? AND/or???

What sort of freaks of nature do you see chasing mice around here, girl? (Great! All sorts of genitilia flying around here!) Did you import your cat from Chernobyl?

No job fo' yoo!

Special thanks to Pat for finding this and notifying me of web stupidity...
A local radio station's website has a link for employment opportunities, as does most other stations. There's something rather unique about this job posting, however...
Radio Advertising Sales! ROCK 107 is looking for motivated, men and women to join our team of broadcast sales professionals. ROCK 107 offers a great compensation package with benefits. Jobs don’t have to be boring. Maybe it’s time for a change. Call Jerry Paparelli, Sales Manager Today at (570) 207-8541.
No phone calls please.*
Ok, so not only does this ad contradict itself (Call me, don't call me), but it fails to give you a contact option! Great.

Jobs don't have to be boring, but you'll not even get a sniff of this career!
*Source: www.rock107.com

Half-and-half (as in half-truth)

Today, my wife and I were shopping in Wally's World. She wanted to find some non-dairy creamer to use in her coffee in the morning. However, when she picked up the container to read what's in it, she found, to her great dismay, that each brand had the same first ingredient:
MILK.
Hold on there, Bessie! Isn't the definition of dairy any product made from MILK or CREAM? How then can they market their product(s) as non-dairy?

Somebody get Oliver Stone on the phone for me. I smell a conspiracy!

2nd today: Shameful treatment of the downtrodden

Editor's note: today's post has quite a bit of righteous anger included. It's a sad-but-true fact: not all stupidity is funny. In fact, in instances like this, it's downright wrong.
News like this makes my blood boil. Today's story comes from the Scranton (PA) Times-Tribune, reporting on the foreboding closure of a city housing project.
City to condemn plaza
BY CHRIS BIRK, STAFF WRITER
08/24/2006 (Take note of this date!) With a lapsed deadline and no word from the Scranton Housing Authority, the city declared Wednesday that it will condemn Washington Plaza [housing project] on Sept. 1.
Hoping to stave off condemnation, attorneys for the housing authority and plaza residents hashed out a stop-gap proposal they plan to give the city within days. The plan calls for the installation of battery-powered smoke detectors in all attics, basements and common areas of the housing complex, as well as 24-hour security at the site...
"The housing authority could put in smoke alarms. The reality is, the city is holding all the cards,” said attorney Kevin Quisenberry of the Community Justice Project, a Pittsburgh-based organization that provides legal aid to low-income state residents... They presented the plan — and the city shared its news of coming condemnation — during a sometimes heated meeting with residents on Wednesday night...
There was no indication Wednesday night if the last-minute plan will be acceptable to Bill Fiorini, director of the city’s office of licensing, inspections and permits, who issued the letter regarding condemnation of the plaza. Mr. Fiorini did not attend the meeting Wednesday night. The city’s public safety director, Ray Hayes, delivered the news to plaza residents. ...Mr. Fiorini’s letter, in fact, would seem to rebuff in advance any hope of a reprieve. “These code violations are serious matters that affect the health, safety and welfare of the residents and others,” he wrote. “No additional extensions of time will be granted.”
The city gave the housing authority a 30-day window to address the safety concerns. The deadline passed on Aug. 17... Mr. Fiorini has said the authority could install hard-wired fire alarms throughout Washington Plaza to stave off condemnation. Those alarms would cost up to $180,000 or so, according to the authority. They would also likely be in conflict with any future renovation work at the plaza...
In reality, there are only a handful of scenarios left for Washington Plaza and its 40-some families.If the last-ditch plan involving battery-operated smoke alarms doesn’t satisfy the city and fire safety officials, plaza residents will be forced to leave next Friday, unless the housing authority installs the hard-wired alarms or finds another way to meet the city’s requirements... In the event of condemnation, the authority has agreed to hire an ombudsman to handle all relocation matters, provide relocation expenses and advance utilities and security deposits and give plaza residents priority on any public housing openings for the next two years.
“Can you guarantee us that we will have a house by next Friday?” longtime resident June Doughitt asked Mr. Baker. “You don’t have to worry about next Friday, having a roof over your head."
OK, Scranton Housing Authority. You knew for years that conditions at the Plaza were unsafe, yet you not only failed to do something about it, but you continued to rent out units to families for years, never telling them of said safety violations? You also neglected to do inspections which are required by HUD for at least a year-and-a-half, ignoring the problem until it stuck out like a sore thumb. Worst yet, you give residents news of their ousting just 8 days before the deadline? How do you think one is to find a new place to live with such unacceptably short notice? These poor folks are low-income, meaning they don't have the finances to secure other housing. As Mrs. Doughitt expressed, how are you going to find alternative housing for all 40 families in 192 hours???
I was homeless for 3 short days once, and I understand their plight. How would you SHA officials, living in your posh homes with a cushy job, fare if the roof over your head was taken away? This unjust, criminal, inexcusable scorn against the needy and less fortunate has GOT to stop. Just because one doesn't have status or cash does not make them any less of a person. Low-income citizens depend on government agents being capable, not culpable! They need security, but more than that, they need to be understood and cared for.

To the members of the housing authority: it is my sincerest hope that somehow, someway, it's discovered that some law was broken, justice will prevail, and you and your white-shirted cronies will get the only shelter you deserve: the lock-up.

This pair does NOT match

Today, as I traveled through the country, I saw a home with an outhouse nearby.
Posted on the outhouse door: a "For Sale" sign.

Gross!!!

A VE-E-E-E-ERY slow decline

Today I was reading the Binghamton (NY) Press & Sun-Bulletin. The lead story was the broad-daylight shooting murder of a man in a West-side neighborhood, apparently in a drug deal gone bad. (If you're wondering, localmusician, it's Clinton Street. That says it all!)
This neighborhood went to pot decades ago. At an early age, (I'm almost 40, BTW) I knew this was a street I never wanted to take a stroll down. Anyhoo, the story develops as several folks hear 3 gunshots, and look out their storefronts to see a man bleeding in the middle of the road. Many rush out to try to help the dying man. One of them, Patricia Gaven, lamented, "This has been a nice neighborhood. We knew right away they were gunshots. ...I think it's the beginning of the end [of the demise of that community.]"

The beginning of the end? How long has this region been a social dump?? And if this is such a nice place to live and work, how were you so decidedly able to determine the sound you heard were gunshots??? Gee, when will the end finally come, in the year 2525???

For those without a clue

I couldn't believe my eyes. As I perused other blogs tonight, I came across a strange but true photo of a road sign.

"WARNING: WATER ON ROAD DURING RAIN."

Ya don't say!!!
(If you'd like to see the photo for yourself, go to http://valedon.blogspot.com and check the post dated June 25.)

Just plain mathetic

A few years ago, when my friend Pat and I were still slaving away at the telecommunications company, we shared acquaintances with a gal named Shawna. (She's famous for uttering her comment which can be found in the August 2005 archives, "Stop at the Exxon...") During a break one day, Pat was contemplating his future in a conversation with another co-worker, Mike, and wondered about going back to school, specializing in mathematics.
"You don't want to do that," Shawna piped up, even though she hadn't been invited into the conversation. "Go for computers. Math is gonna be obsolete in 10 years from now anyway."

...And how to you think a computer is able to compute everything that it does, Shawna?

Double Standards 101

(Editor's note: as a formerly ordained preacher, I am dealing with an issue within the Christian church. Some of my viewpoints are supported by the Bible, of which I will quote. To "non-believers," please bear with me and understand I am not "preaching;" rather, I am proving a point at how ridiculous this story is.)
Oh, how I lament (seriously) over the ridiculous state of affairs in the Church in America today. Here's just another example of how asinine things have become, courtesy ABC News and Yahoo! News, via the Associated Press: Church fires teacher for being woman
(Mon Aug 21, 8:40 AM ET)
WATERTOWN, N.Y. - The minister of a church that dismissed a female Sunday School teacher after adopting what it called a literal interpretation of the Bible says a woman can perform any job — outside of the church.
The First Baptist Church dismissed Mary Lambert on Aug. 9 with a letter explaining that the church had adopted an interpretation that prohibits women from teaching men. She had taught there for 54 years.
The letter quoted the first epistle to Timothy: "I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent."
The Rev. Timothy LaBouf, who also serves on the Watertown City Council, issued a statement saying his stance against women teaching men in Sunday school would not affect his decisions as a city leader in Watertown, where all five members of the council are men but the city manager who runs the city's day-to-day operations is a woman.
"I believe that a woman can perform any job and fulfill any responsibility that she desires to" outside of the church, LaBouf wrote Saturday.
Mayor Jeffrey Graham, however, was bothered by the reasons given Lambert's dismissal.
"If what's said in that letter reflects the councilman's views, those are disturbing remarks in this day and age," Graham said. "Maybe they wouldn't have been disturbing 500 years ago, but they are now."
Lambert has publicly criticized the decision, but the church did not publicly address the matter until Saturday, a day after its board met.
Ok, so if you TRULY believe the Bible as absolute authority, what is the difference between women in positions of "leadership" within and without the church?
Is 1 Timothy 2:12 addressing a cultural issue, or making a new command? (A new "law" would contradict an older Scripture that was sent out by the Council at Jerusalem in Acts 15:28-29-- "It seemed good to the Holy Spirit and to us not to burden you with anything beyond the following requirements: You are to abstain from food sacrificed to idols, from blood, from the meat of strangled animals and from sexual immorality.") Moreso, is this "command" a timeless verdict from God, or is it Timothy's own personal viewpoint? Note the verse reads, "I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man..."
Further, was Mary Lambert teaching Sunday School to MEN or CHILDREN? And is teaching Sunday School really a position of authority, or is it rather a gift of facilitating an exchange of understanding? (I believe in the latter of the two.)
Here is yet another case of a local fellowship contorting the contextual message in one verse of Scripture, changing the original intent of the meaning, and selling it as doctrine! And I love how the church board handled the matter. They didn't even have the guts to talk to Ms. Lambert in person, as they should have, IF they adhered to Biblical guidelines. Oh, yeah, and on the article on ABC News tonight, the letter to Mary didn't even bear the signatures of the board members, even though the body of the letter began, "We the board and pastoral staff of First Baptist..." It also bore just one signature at the salutation: that of Mr. LaBouf.
Poor Ms. Lambert taught for 54 years because she loved it, not because she was attempting to usurp man's authority, as the church hints at. A member for 60 years, Lambert is now considering leaving the church, so hurtful this turn of events was to her.

I believe Mr. LeBouf has some soul-searching to do, and some apologizing to do as well.

Fantasy politics

Today's story comes from the Scranton(PA) Times-Tribune regarding a little indiscretion committed by members of the Green Party, and potentially the Republican party, as hopefuls approach the hotly-contested US Senate Seat up for grabs in Pennsylvania's election this fall. The two prime candidates are Senator Rick Santorum, the #3 ranking GOP member, and state Treasurer Bob Casey Jr., son of the former state governor.

Dems sue to drop Senate hopeful
BY MICHAEL RACE, HARRISBURG BUREAU CHIEF
08/09/2006

HARRISBURG — U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum’s efforts to fend off an election challenge by state Treasurer Bob Casey could be influenced by a legal skirmish involving another Northeastern Pennsylvania politico.
Mickey Mouse, Robert Redford and Jesus Christ might play a role, too.
State Democrats filed a lawsuit Tuesday to have Green Party candidate Carl Romanelli, of Wilkes-Barre, tossed off the U.S. Senate ballot for allegedly having tens of thousands of invalid signatures on his nomination petitions. The questionable signatures include the three names mentioned above, along with others such as Terry Schiavo, Woody Allen, Mona Lisa, Steve Martin and Lee H. Oswald.
The Democrats blame the alleged petition fraud on Santorum supporters, whom they say helped Mr. Romanelli land a ballot spot.“There is no doubt that Rick Santorum and the Republican Party did their best to take votes away from Casey through this silly charade,” said Democratic Party Chairman T.J. Rooney, who had called Mr. Romanelli a “puppet” of the GOP.
Some Democrats fear Mr. Romanelli’s support of abortion rights could draw votes away from Mr. Casey, who shares Mr. Santorum’s opposition to legalized abortion.
Mr. Romanelli acknowledges his Senate bid has been aided by Republicans who have given money to the Greens and helped gather signatures to get him on the ballot. Still, he said, the Democratic Party is acting like a “bully” in its efforts to limit voters’ choices.
“I haven’t backed down from a bully before, and I’m not going to start now,” Mr. Romanelli said Tuesday. “We’re prepared to defend against anything that the Democrats might throw at us.”
The Green Party submitted about 94,500 signatures to the state to have Mr. Romanelli placed on the ballot, well above the legally required minimum of 67,070 signatures. Democrats allege up to 69,672 of those signatures are invalid for a variety of reasons, ranging from fraud to improperly completed paperwork. If they can convince the court to strike about 27,500 of those signatures, Mr. Romanelli would be off the ballot.
“Phony names, fake signatures and a tremendous amount of illegal and deceptive practices were uncovered during our thorough and aggressive analysis (of the Green petitions),” Mr. Rooney said.
Santorum campaign spokesman Vince Galko likened the legal challenge to the Democratic Party’s efforts to silence Mr. Casey’s father, former Gov. Robert Casey, because of his opposition to abortion. “Isn’t it ironic that ... Casey Jr. is trying to silence a candidate who, too, has an interest in expressing opposing views?” Mr. Galko said in a statement.
If the effort to oust Mr. Romanelli from the race is successful, it also would claim the candidacies of Green Party gubernatorial candidate Marakay Rogers and her running mate, Christina Valente. That’s because the Greens relied on the same set of signatures to put all three candidates on the ballot.
“If one of us doesn’t make it, none of us does,” Ms. Rogers said last week.
Unlike Mr. Romanelli, Ms. Rogers’ potential impact on the gubernatorial race is harder to gauge. Her presence could pull some liberal voters away from Democratic incumbent Gov. Ed Rendell, but it also could pull anti-incumbent voters away from Republican challenger Lynn Swann.

Bogus voters? State Democrats allege petitions of Green Party candidate Carl Romanelli contain scores of bogus voter signatures. Among those in question:
Mickey Mouse
George Bush
Gerald Ford
John Kerry
Woody Allen
Robert Redford
Steve Martin
Lee H. Oswald
Terry Schiavo
Jesus Christ
Mona Lisa

Wow. Quite a list of supporters there, Mr. Romanelli! Kind of like playing fantasy football, only at the state capital, eh?

Not to mention the fact that Romanelli looks like Christopher Lloyd in "Back to the Future." "It's your petition, Marty! We've got to do something about your petition!!!"

2nd today: deprived and DUMB

Right in the middle of my typing the last entry, my wife, who was watching TV, started laughing hysterically. She viewed an ad for the amazing "Sleep Number" bed, featuring Lindsey Wagner. ...And I quote:
"I laid awake, tossing and turning all night. I didn't realize I wasn't getting a good night's sleep until I tried the new Sleep Number bed..."
So that's what it took for you to realize your lack of sleep??? It appears that while you may have been the Bionic Woman, your brain has been recalled.

After the completion of the commercial, my wife celebrated, "Yes!!! I found stupidity! ...And it isn't pretty!"

Cleanliness IS Godliness!

In the "Anything for a buck/Marketing of Jesus" category... Evidently, some people will go to great lengths to sell their wacked-out products or ideas. Here's a strange but true ad that came in the mail this week:

MIRACLE II SOAP:
God's Simple Solution for a Healthier Body!
MANY HAVE REPORTED IT'S GREAT FOR:
*Hair loss
*Dandruff
*Skin Cancer
*Psoriasis
*Rashes and much more!
(Also,) MIRACLE II NEUTRALIZER.
*Balances pH's
*Increases Energy
*Relieves Constipation, Sinusitis, Asthma, etc.
SPECIAL: $12.00 each! +shipping.
Miracleway Products

God's simple solution, huh? Excuse me, Mr. P.T. Barnum! Biblical scholar here. Still have yet to find out when God bottled this amazing product. Upon completion of a bit of research, the word "soap" is only mentioned twice in the entire Bible. Reading it in the original language, well, imagine that! Soap is really alkali, a vegetable! Turns out your corner of the market is accessible to everyone!

Further proof that the new, improved squeaky-clean Jesus is an environmentalist!

2nd today: Sperm happens

The media's pet, Brittney "Oops, I had a brain fart again" Spears, has offered some very not-so-profound insights into her pregnancy, motherhood and "getting her body back" in a recent People magazine interview. (In other words, Spears' comments will NOT be appearing on PSPTT!) Here's a few excerpts...
At eight months pregnant --she says she's due "in a month"-- the 24-year-old singer is about to become a mom for the second time "in one year. And no, this pregnancy wasn't planned. "It just kind of happened," says Spears, who insists she and husband Kevin Federline, 28, don't know the baby's gender. ( Ah, yes, the Sperminator strikes again!!! "Just kind of happened?" You mean, like the other countless kiddies Kevin's contributed to the world?) Either way, she says with a laugh, "I'm going to wait a while for the next [one]!" (Why's that, Kevin getting a vasectomy?)
With her upbeat outlook-- childbirth "will be a piece of cake," she says cheerfully of her scheduled C-section, the same as her first-- this is a more relaxed, less visibly stressed Brittney than the one who broke down in tears during a June interview with Matt Lauer. Of the media scrutiny following that appearance, she says, "They've said some hurtful things, but you just try to ignore it and keep moving on."
(That's right, keep moving on by ignoring parenting skills and continually placing your career ahead of your family, dragging around your tired tikes like a wooden duck on a pull-string!) Now in the home stretch, she is relying on support from her husband (Pshaw! Good luck with that!)("He's awesome. He rubs my feet. I'm like, 'Rub my damn feet, they hurt!'")

I'm sorry, I know I should be slow to criticize, but obviously-- why oh why oh WHY do these Hollywood types think that raising children is a game?

Ding-a-lings

The ladies in the office of the beverage distributor I work at aren't always the most swift of intellect. Take 2 different calls my partner in crime, Pat (also a driver as I am) got over the past week...
"Corrine" direct-connected Pat today to let him in on a little secret that wasn't so secret. "Just a reminder, Pat," she chimed. "The order you have for Pat's Pizza can't be delivered until later; they don't open until 10:00."
Missing part of this picture: that tidbit is listed right on the order advice-- which is printed up by the ladies in the office, mind you-- above the order detail, so Pat already knew that!
Stranger yet was late last week: Pat gets beeped. It's.... (shudder) the office!
"Pat, you have an order for 'Business X' today, right?"
Warily, Pat responded, "Yeahhhhh..."
"Well, that needs to be delivered today, so make sure you make that stop, OK?"
BTW, Pat has a 99+% delivery success rate.

Brilliant!!! Hey, isn't that our job, to deliver the product to the customer???

Hell or high water, it's all the $ame

Today's story comes courtesy the Binghamton (NY) Press and Sun-Bulletin, written by staff writer Liz Hacken regarding a wee bit of price gouging that took place during the devastating flood which hit the NY/PA areas in late June.
JOHNSON CITY -- A village hotel must refund more than $500 to guests that it overcharged at the peak of late June's flooding, as well as pay a $7,500 civil penalty, following an investigation by state Attorney General Eliot Spitzer.
The settlement announced Tuesday calls for the Best Western of Johnson City, on Harry L Drive, to repay $510.20 to seven customers who were overcharged for their stays around June 27.
Spitzer's office said the hotel raised its room rates by at least 87 percent for some guests.
The hotel customarily charges $79.95 for any room and often charged less, Spitzer said in a press release.
On June 27, the hotel hiked its rates to $150 per room, well above the maximum room rates of $99.85 for a double and $110.95 for a king room, he said.
"State law requires that increased prices in a time of market disruption be linked directly to increased costs. Anything other than that is price gouging," Spitzer said.
The investigation began June 29 after Spitzer's office had complaints from two customers that they were overcharged.
In a statement Tuesday, the hotel's management said at the end of the evening on June 27 it charged its top rate on about six rooms out of more than 100 rooms at the hotel, which had recently been renovated. The management decided to charge that rate to offset the tens of thousands of dollars it had donated during the flooding, including allowing late cancellations at no charge and selling rooms to the American Red Cross and county social services department at one-half of the normal rate.

Sure. That's swell. Out of the goodness of your heart, you robbed Peter to give to Paul. Can you say, "Indian giver?"

Computer Error??? How could that BE!???

At many locales where I deliver beverages on a daily basis, store receivers "scan" in the product into their inventory by using a hand-held computer, often called an RF gun. All the person checking in the order needs to do is point the gun at the UPC code on the bottle or package, and it automatically reads the product type, how many cases are coming in, price, and so on...
...Theoretically.
It's also known by most logical creatures that every so often, be it rarely, computers do goof up. Today was such an occasion. As I was getting checked in at a local grocery store, I was verifying 32 cases going into the store. Upon completion of the scans, the receiver had 33 cases, but $25 less than the amount listed on my invoice. We re-scanned everything, only to show the same result. Finally, at my suggestion, the receiver printed out a hard copy of what was scanned in. As we painstakingly went down the list one-by-one, a UPC code came up that was NOT on the pallet of merchandise. I looked at the order detail, and it read 2 cases of 8oz. 7-Up bottles. (Something, to my knowledge, not even made!)
I said, "Ahh, there's our problem. It scanned in 2 cases of non-existent product. The list should include 1 case of Diet 7-Up 2-liters instead." The befuddled gal couldn't believe that Big Blue had made an unfortunate miscalculation, and with a look of near-agony, spurted, "Well, that CAN'T be! The gun read it! It HAS to be there!"

Ooooooooo-K!

You have been assimilated. Resistance is futile.

Cloud of Idiot Gasoline (apologies to sierra)

In my travels today, I found a gas station which was selling Regular unleaded at $2.80 per gallon. (These days, that's a bargain!) Being that economic experts have been all over the news warning of a probable increase to $3.50/gal a month from now, I decided to top off my tank. Expectedly, I had to wait in quite a line, which was fine with me. Finally, I was next in line.
A woman got out of a Hyundai Sonota in front of me to pump the gas. I assume she usually went to full service stations, because she had little clue as to what she was doing. Problem #1: She lifted the handle and pushed the "start" button, but nothing happened. I guess the HUGE white sign on the pump which read, "Cash customers, please pre-pay" was invisible. Finally, she figured out the problem, walked in to pay, then back out to pump. She put the nozzle in the tank, and clicked on the auto shut-off lever. (Problem #2, as she proceeded to stare into the sky while the car got filled.)
...It took forever! I couldn't figure out why, until I spotted gas pouring down the side of her car. I honked and motioned, to which she curiously glanced at me, but ignored me. I rolled down my window and called, "Your tank's overflowing!" Startled, she ogled at the fluid gushing from her tank, and shut the pump off. Then she had to angrily stomp back into the station and gripe to the cashier. After about 2 minutes-- this whole episode took about 15 minutes to play out-- she stormed back out and sped off, leaving the poor gas dude to dump litter over about 2 gallons worth of wasted gasoline. He told me, "That woman just bit my head off, telling me it's my fault she spilled gas! What's with that???"

The moron-- I mean, moral-- of the story is, Take accountability for your words and actions, and PAY ATTENTION to what you're doing!!!

2nd today: "You Say It's My Birthday!"

PSST is one year old today, with a bright, long future! Thanks go out to the thousands (I can say that now) of readers. To celebrate this momentous occasion, I tell the tale of an actual business sign my friend Pat saw near Honesdale, PA... (An alternate title for this post could be "How to get PETA's attention.")
A local man touts his skills with animals, noting he is both a veterinarian and a taxidermist. This is bad enough, but what's worse is his slogan... "Either way, you'll get your pet back!"

Thank God he didn't choose, "'Snookums' snipped or stuffed while you wait!"

Confusionism cookie

This little treat was in a fortune cookie I opened today: "Delay is the antidote for anger."

...Right. Tell that to the guy stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic 3 hours per day on the LA freeway.

More contradictory cigarette ads

Another couple of posters touting wonderful sticks made of paper and leaves caught my eye today...
"KOOL. Bold. Smooth. Fresh."

Excuse me, have you ever been trapped in a car with a smoker puffing away on your blessed creation with a few dozen stale butts smoldering in the ash tray, Mr. Marketing Mastermind? ...Oh, yeah, I forgot: you probably dwell within a perpetual cloud of blue haze. (Makes me think of Charles Nelson Reilly from "Match Game!") I don't think "Fresh" is the appropriate adjective here, Cowboy!

Then there was the other one I noticed:
WINSTON: Additive Free.

Well, thank the Lord for that, because heaven knows, I don't want to be putting any crap in my body!

Yes, there really is a world outside of your store!!!

Another day of work, another story of bizarre proportions. (Interjection: I really do like my job! It's just the people I often can't stand.)
Sometimes, when delivering beverages to large grocery stores, it's necessary to credit the customer for outdated or damaged products before bringing in the new order. Today was such a scenario. Normally, the salesman who places the order on behalf of the customer will arrange for credit, and then when the delivery driver (aka me) shows up, I have a credit slip, and I know exactly what's going out. Unfortunately, communication between the salesman and driver rarely take place. For some reason, the store receiver presumed I could read minds, and started yelling at me when I told him I needed to call the office to call for prices so the account could be properly credited. What was odd in this case was that the outgoing merchandise was neither old or damaged; it was just extra stock from a big sale the store had had the week before.
"This stuff needs to be taken out of here the second a sale is over!" the receiver ranted.
Assumption error #1: What, do you think everybody in my company spends all their spare time leafing through your adverts and fliers? Ah, true, we don't really have anything better to do.
Assumption error#2: Am I the salesman? Last time I checked, the answer was NO!
Assumption error #3: Apparently, you think I can just go to work and commandeer a truck just so I can drive down to pick up your overstock anytime a sale ends. Yeah, my job's truly that easy. Three strikes, you're out!

Methinks a fishing trip in the wilderness is long overdue for this guy.

Ad done in poor taste

Everywhere I go, I'm seeing posters in stores advertising a new cigarette by Camel, and it just makes me shake my head...

"New Camel Wides Menthol. Big! Fat! Delicious!"

Now, I don't even know any smokers who would say that their cig is "delicious." When was the last time you saw someone licking out an ash tray who says, "Mmmm! Yummy!"?

Tobacco- the new hors d'ouvres!

Polite arrogance

I was in Wal-mart today, ("localmusician's" favorite place in the whole wide world!) doing the weekly grocery shopping. The store was packed, and a lot of people were completely mentally fatigued from the 90-degree-plus heat wave we experienced this last week. I had my middle (6-year-old) child in the cart I was pushing, and progressed slowly, navigating through the excessive human traffic in the monstrous store. Suddenly, a woman with a cart and a severe case of tunnel-vision came barreling through from a cross-aisle, almost ramming into me, had I not yanked my cart to a grinding halt. The woman continued her head-long pursuit for a check-out aisle. Being that she had put my son in physical jeopardy, I shot a firm "You're excused!" to the woman.
Without stopping her forward motion, she looked directly at me and snapped a sarcastic "Thank you!" back to me.

"Thank you?" Ah, yes, as in, "Thank you for excusing my having my head jammed up my back end."

2nd today: It's a miracle!

Apparently, before I started working at my current job as a delivery driver, there was another employee there named Jayson. From what I've been told, Jayson's work ethic was none too high, and he often created excuses to call off sick. His best one was, "I can't come in to work today. My liver's shut down."

You mean, you're dead???

Funnier yet was the fact that he showed up for work the next day. Shortly thereafter, he never showed up again...

How to end a mensa meeting

My good friend and co-worker Pat gave me permission to use this... Pat was finishing up a delivery to a customer, and, as all of us drivers do, he completed the stop with a customary "goodbye." Only thing is, evidently, he either had a Freudian slip, or he started to speak, and with words already out there, he decided to change what he was saying.
"Have a good idea!" he closed.
The store owner looked up with raised eyebrows. "...Day???" he asked. Translation: "What, are you calling me an idiot?"

Hope you all enjoyed reading this. Take... ...luck!
(Don't get it? Check out www.brianregan.com.

If a picture's worth 1000 words...

Today, my travels took me to the small hamlet of Susquehanna, PA. (Pop. 900) I pulled into the parking lot of a small convenient store, where a LARGE man-- we're literally talking 700-800 pounds easily here-- was sitting at his usual perch on a park bench at the side of the lot. He waves to everyone, talks to nobody in particular, and evidently is not self-conscious. As I caught the big vision in the corner of my eye, I noticed that, he being very broad in girth, much hangs down in front. No sooner had I absorbed that visual definition then I observed that this man had a huge tear/ hole in his shorts near his... lower regions... And NO underwear!

Today's picture says, "EWW!"

Memories of PerpetualChocohlic's post/picture last week comes to mind...

2nd today: To prove a point

Upon completing my deliveries today, I returned to the warehouse, and prepared to pull into the building to check in, but lo and behold, I couldn't, because "Jake," my co-worker who doesn't, had parked his truck right in front of the garage door and disappeared. (BTW, it should be said that Jake is a self-proclaimed expert in everything, including mechanics.) With much frustration, I put my truck in "park" and jumped out of the cab, looking for him. Upon entering the building, I spotted him having a casual chat with another driver down at the other end. I yelled at him to move his wheels out of the way, and with a reluctant swagger, Jake waltzed my way.
I hopped back into my truck at about the same time Jake got in his, and then I heard, "Whir-click. Whir-click. Whir-click." Several failed attempts to start his truck later, I yelled out my cab, "Let the choke out, you idiot!!!" Like magic, the truck suddenly roared to a start, and he backed it into the parking lot, while I went into the warehouse to complete my day.
Jake entered moments later. "Hey fella, you should know the starter's bad on that truck before you call someone an idiot," he complained.
In no mood after working all day in 100 degree heat, I said, "Man, that truck's run rough for a month and a half. I never had a problem starting it. Just let out the choke and pump the gas twice before turning it over."
Jake didn't want to hear it. "The starter's bad," he shot back.
"Really?" I retorted. "Why don't you follow me and I'll show you how to start it!"
His pride wounded, Jake just muttered under his breath and walked away. He then went straight up to "Mark" and said, "When are they gonna fix that truck? The starter's been going on it for some time now!"
To my delight, Mark promptly went to the truck climbed in, and on the first try...
VROOOOOMMMM!

It was the best laugh I had all day.

Stupid does as stupid says

One moment of stupidity deserves another...
Today, during my deliveries, I needed to fill a vending machine. As usual, I took my key ring, (which has keys to both the truck and the machine,) opened the machine, set the keys on the inside ledge, and filled up the machine. The proprietor of the business where the machine sat struck up a conversation with me, and when I had finished placing bottles in, I closed the door, turned the handle, and locked it.
...And the second I did, I muttered, "Oh, CRAP!" Yep, locked the keys in the machine.

Stupid does.

The owner of the shop, immediately after I had groaned my regret, asked, "What, did you just lock the keys in the machine?"
"Yep," I answered in a feeble tone, partly because I was kicking myself, and partly because I knew what the next thing out of this dude's mouth would be.
"Well, can't you get them out???"

Stupid says!
(BTW, I called the office, and one of the maintenance men came and liberated me from my prison of unwittiness.)