The Stupies IV

Thanks for joining us as we recap the best of the worst, via the fourth presentation of the STUPIES! Like we did 100 posts ago, we shall be awarding 3 distinct trophies of distinction to those who have displayed an exorbitant amount of stupidity.
First, the Ignernt Foo' STUPIE, honoring the memory of pop-star Michael Jackson, ("They're just a bunch of ignernt foo's...") is given to an individual who utters the most arrogant and heartless, uh, utterance. Though we had 3 nominees, including the "Man of peace" from 9/28 and the mobile home evictor from 7/27, the winner, hands down, was the pharmacy clerk from 9/15!
Today I went into a local CVS pharmacy, a large, franchised chain of stores. My business (soda delivery) brought me there, but it was an elderly customer which caught my eye and held my attention. She was continually pacing the aisles, looking confused. Finally, she approached the store clerk, and asked, "Excuse me, but where can I find ACE bandages?" Without batting an eye, the clerk shot, "In a hospital?!" ...and walked away...

Next, we present the Cloud of Idiot Gas STUPIE, honoring fellow blogger "Sierra" and the former blog site of the same name. The C.I.G. tags the figure within the public eye who suffers the most acute form of hoofus mouthus. Nominees included Sen. John Kerry ("Education") and Lindsey Wagner ("Getting a good night's sleep"). However, the STUPIE goes to the over-sexed and under-intelligent Brittany Spears!
Spears has offered some very not-so-profound insights into her pregnancy, motherhood and "getting her body back" in a recent People magazine interview. At eight months pregnant --she says she's due "in a month"-- the 24-year-old singer is about to become a mom for the second time in one year. And no, this pregnancy wasn't planned. "It just kind of happened," says Spears, who insists she and husband Kevin Federline, 28, don't know the baby's gender. ( Ah, yes, the Sperminator strikes again!!! "Just kind of happened?" You mean, like the other countless kiddies Kevin's contributed to the world?) With her upbeat outlook-- childbirth "will be a piece of cake," she says cheerfully of her scheduled C-section, the same as her first-- this is a more relaxed, less visibly stressed Brittney than the one who broke down in tears during a June interview with Matt Lauer. Of the media scrutiny following that appearance, she says, "They've said some hurtful things, but you just try to ignore it and keep moving on."(That's right, keep moving on by ignoring parenting skills and continually placing your career ahead of your family, dragging around your tired tikes like a wooden duck on a pull-string!) Now in the home stretch, she is relying on support from her husband (Pshaw! Good luck with that!)

Finally, we have come to the Incredulous Choice STUPIE, granted to the person of my own choice who best exemplifies a complete departure from the world of common sense and coherence. Betting her age is higher than her SAT score, the winner is the gal in the sandwich shop!
As I made a delivery to a small hoagie shop, I took notice of the owner, who was behind the counter, looking exasperated. Meanwhile, a middle-aged woman longingly studied the menu board. I got the idea that these two had been in the same position for quite some time. After a long pregnant pause, accompanied by much eye-rolling of the shopkeeper, the woman hemmed and hawed a bit, then vacantly quizzed, "OK, 'ham and cheese.' Now, what do you mean by that? I mean, what is it made up of?"

And so we come to the end of another STUPIES low-light reel. Keep on coming back for more regular fits of the insane and inane, and join us again in another 100 posts for the quinticentennial edition of the STUPIES!

And lastly, before the STUPIES...

Two words: John Kerry.
Editor's note: I do not agree with most of President Bush's policies, specifically his stubborn stance on the war in Iraq, but I certainly don't advocate saying ridiculously retarded things about it.
John Kerry, in a speech to students in California Monday: "You know, education, if you make the most of it, if you study hard and you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, uh, you, you can do well. If you don't you get stuck in Iraq."
Yes, the not-so-obvious intent of Mr. Kerry is to criticize the Bush administration. Instead, he inadvertently insulted the US Armed Forces.

John, I would hope that with your educational background, you would make a better effort to be smart, because, uh, you, you aren't doing too well right now.

Mistaken ID-a

Pat told me a great story about a relative today...
Seems his cousin "Amelia" isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. First, Pat brought his kids to Amelia's for trick-or-treating last night. Pat waited in the car while his kids went inside to get their booty. His daughter came out with an odd look on her face. She had received a pair of black tights, which was fine, because she's a dancer, but that was accompanied by the universal treat... Ramen noodles?
Why the stinking heck would anyone give a kid Ramen noodles???
Anyhoo, Amelia had just gotten married 3 months ago, but already is separated. Why the sudden change? Turns out marriage wasn't all it was cracked up to be; namely, that she was (still) in debt. She told the family, "I'm getting married because all my debt listed under my maiden name will be forgiven."

Right. Because the IRS will no longer have the clue who you are.

The Pride Is Wrong

A well-overdue moment will occur this coming June: Bob Barker, host of the ridiculously worn-out and one-dimensional game show "The Price Is Right" is setting down the mic after 35 years in favor of retirement. But before that happens, Bob took some time to flatter himself well beyond the point of being incorrigible with AOL News. Here are some excerpts of the interview.
...Hosting the daily CBS program - in which contestants chosen from the crowd "come on down" to compete for "showcases" that include trips, appliances and new cars - is "demanding physically and mentally," he said.
Yeah, it takes a lot of concentration to say,"You win!" or "Awwwww. I'm sorry," and to yank that microphone cord all over the stage.
To kick off his retirement, Barker said he will "sit down for maybe a couple of weeks and find out what it feels like to be bored." Oh, poor baby! I know a lot of retired people, and I can't categorize any of them as "bored."
He said he'd take on a movie role if the right one came along, but filmmakers, take note: "I refuse to do nude scenes. These Hollywood producers want to capitalize on my obvious sexuality, but I don't want to be just another beautiful body."
OK, I know he's saying this tongue-in-cheek... Then again, maybe he's not! After all, remember the scandal involving Janice Pennington a few short years ago? Yuck. I'd rather look at "Borat" wearing that neon-green bikini-thong than watch Bob buck nekkid!

All this is further proof that Bob's head is larger than life, and that he should be neutered (like a pet) before he becomes the next Tony Randall.

This ain't no multiple choice, pal!

I made a delivery to a small mom-and-pop store at about 9:45 this morning. This quaint little business offers a deli, small grocery, a check-cashing service and the ability to pay bills. These are done through electronic cashing, so some utilities are time-sensitive.
As I was bringing in my product, a small man entered, and told the shopkeeper, Peter, "I'd like to pay some bills, please."
Peter asked, "What have you got?"
The man responded, "Gas, water, and electric."
Peter informed the man, "I can process the gas now, but not the water and electric." The man hesitated, "What?" so Peter reiterated, adding, "I can't handle water and electric until after 11:00. But I can still do the gas."
The man replied, "Thanks, but let's just do the electric now."
Hellooooooooooo!? Let's try this again, shall we?

I'd suggest Peter ought to be nominated for sainthood for dealing with folks like these, but that name's taken already.

Politics and domestics, Sooner style

The following clip is quoted verbatim from "News Quirks," a collection of strange news stories compiled by Roland Sweet...
PICTURE THIS
The police chief, mayor, and a city councilman in Snyder, Oklahoma, resigned after the chief's 300-pound, tattooed wife posted nude photos of herself on a web site. Some of the pictures showed her with an American flag draped off her shoulder. Dozens of residents of the town of 1500 had demanded Police Chief Tod Ozmun's resignation, and the district attorney recommended an obscenity investigation, but the City Council decided that the pictures were protected by the First Amendment. Ozmun, Mayor Dale Moore and Councilman Clifford Barnard quit because they were fed up with the public attention and criticism of the chief.
The police chief defended his 43-year-old wife, Doris, saying, "People in this country do what she does on a daily basis." He added that he had long discussions with her about the photos but noted, "My wife is 6'3" and weighs 300 pounds. If there is somebody that thinks they can control her, have at it. I have tried for 11 yeas and haven't been able to."
Mmmmm-yeahhhh. There's a happy family. The man admits he tried to "control" his wife, and she looks for attention on the internet because apparently she's not getting it at home.

Guess we all know who wears the pants in that household.
Oh, no, wait. She doesn't.

Wow. Tough crowd!

A local eatery (if you can call it that, because this place should be shut down by the health department! ...But I digress...) called "The Chicken Coop" features local bands and other assorted talent on selected nights, with one of those big letter-boards outside announcing their upcoming schedule. Seems like the Coop wasn't satisfied with just being a venue, so they took up critiquing as well. ...I guess... The sign this past week read as follows:
THURS: "X-Country"
FRI: "Shoot the Moon" DUD
Ouch!!!

Nothing like back-stabbing those who bring people through your doors,eh? After all, if the customers have any sense of taste, they're definitely not there for the food! Methinks the members of Shoot the Moon might soon be looking for another gig to jam at.
INTERJECTION, dated 10/29: I learned from Shoot the Moon's website that every week they have a DUO at the Coop. (With whom, though?) So evidently, the Coop ran out of O's and figured the D looked close enough... The sign DEFINITELY reads "DUD!"

Stay tuned, folks! It's almost time for the re-emergence of the STUPIES, awarded for the most arrogant statement (Ignernt foo), worst gaffe by a public figure (Cloud of Idiot Gas), and general "Incredulous Choice" phrase from the past 100 postings on PSST.

Jerk-o-lantern

Simply file this under "Pathetic." The story comes courtesy of Pressconnects.com, the online paper from Binghamton, NY.
'Grinch' steals boy's HalloweenTheft of homegrown gourds riles father

By John HillPress & Sun-Bulletin
ENDICOTT -- When the pumpkins in front of his Endicott house were stolen two years ago, Kyle Konecny thought about putting a sign in front of his house to let people know he was mad. When it happened again Sunday, the sign went up.
"I wanted the people who did it to know that I was ticked," Konecny said.
The sign -- which reads, "To whoever stole my kid's pumpkins! Thanks for ruining his Halloween you jerk! He grew them himself!" -- was placed in front of the Konecny house Monday.
"I might have worded (the sign) differently," mother Eileen said. "But maybe that's a guy thing." Eight pumpkins were stolen from the front of the house; several pumpkins on the back porch were untouched. Neighbors this week saw the remains of a few smashed pumpkins at the end of the street, Eileen Konecny said.
Because the family had more pumpkins than usual this year, 10-year-old Dylan had been moving them around in front, trying to find a good place for them all. When he got home from hockey on Sunday, his mother told him the pumpkins had been stolen again.
"I felt ... mad," Dylan said. "Thanks for ruining my Halloween."
Pumpkins hold a special place in the Konecny house. Every year, father and son grow their own at Dylan's grandmother's horse farm. Kyle Konecny's birthday is on Halloween, and the family loves pumpkin seeds. The Konecny family has thought about keeping their pumpkins inside next year until just before Halloween, but Kyle Konecny doesn't like the idea.
"That's what drives me crazy; I want to put them out front," the father said. "You want to trust people."
Now, hold your gourd just a minute here. You're seriously going to let a few smashed squash ruin your day? I understand you grew the pumpkins yourself; but aren't there a bunch of them left on your back porch? What's wrong with them? Are they incapable of lifting your Halloween spirits? You know, I don't think painting a big "You're a jerk" sign is going to help the matter any, either In fact, you may want to bring in those pumpkins off the back now, seeing as how they're probably next on the vandals' list. The greatest shame is teaching your son that "Life sucks" demeanor, holding him prisoner to some smashed veggie matter.

It just goes to show you that the pumpkin doesn't fall far from the tree. ...Er, I mean, vine.

Befuddling bungling bandits

The following story was reported on WNEP-16 by anchor Marisa Burke tonight...
A would-be robbery attempt was apparently foiled in Monroe County today. Seems as though a man drove up to the drive-through at the McDonald's in Stroud Township (Stroudsburg) and placed an order. Then when he drove up to the window, the man showed a rolled-up newspaper and demanded cash. The attendant thought it was a joke and responded, "Maybe later." He closed the window, and the car drove off.

Too funny! Since when is a rolled-up paper a viable weapon, unless you're a bad puppy?
Maybe more people will follow this burger-flipper's example. Here's hoping, anyway.

Taking a product MUCH too seriously

Thanks to sublime from "The Big Question" (See the link on the right side of this page) for the inspiration...
Sublime asked, "What do you think is the strangest or most useless invention?" Instantly, a holiday season advert popped into my head...
"Ch-ch-ch-Chia! The pottery that grows! Makes a great gift!"
...NOT!
Have you ever been given a Chia head/pet? Do you recall what went through your mind?
#1: "What in the name of Blue Blockers am I supposed to do with this thing??"
#2: "What the heck? Why, that cheap little S.O.B!"
#3: "Oh, yeah. That reminds me. I have to take out the garbage tomorrow."

The ad should really say, "The gift to give when you want to let someone know you totally hate their guts!"

Looking for an early retirement?

My cohort Pat witnessed a "How Not To Keep Your Job" moment today...
Pat was behind on his delivery schedule today, so he called the boss, "Bobby," to ask him to call a couple of stores, notifying them Pat was running late and needed an extension on the receiving time. That task completed, Pat reluctantly headed to a particular area grocery store. I say reluctantly, because the store's receiver, Carmen, (I'm using his real name, since he is such a class-- minus "cl"-- act. Nobody likes Carmen, because he always does anything possible to make things extremely difficult for anyone who enters his domain.)
Now, normally, receiving hours end at 1:00, but since a time extension had been approved, Pat pulled in at 1:30, knowing his delivery would be received. So did the bread vendor. Carmen staggered out onto the dock, and started yelling incoherently. "Blah-bluh-di-ahm-blurm-argh-fmph 1:30!!!!"
The bread guy coolly replied, "I called and got permission to arrive late."
Pat concurred, "So did I!"
Carmen then started ripping Pat and Bread up one side and down the other, as if they had committed a great crime against society. Bread did not have a thick skin, and was mortified at how he was being treated, so he said, "That's it. I'm getting the manager."
Moments later, the leader and vendor returned. This time, Carmen aimed his venom at his superior, leaning into a tirade of obscenities. When the manager steadfastly held his ground that he had approved these late deliveries, Carmen pushed Pat into the receiving desk, grabbed his coat, and left. CLASSIC!

Now, I'm no genius, but somehow, I don't think being so unprofessional to vendors, cussing out your boss in public and leaving without notice is the best way to keep your job!

Contradiction and peasant blouses

So here we go again with yet another offering from the Christian sub-culture. (Which, BTW, is big business!)
My wife got a catalogue in the mail from a religious/educational company established by the Hopkins family today. The things people think it would be great to teach their kids! No wonder so many of them are completely confused by the time they're "ready" to face the world on their own. There's no way to paraphrase this effectively, so I'll just type the write-up on this book verbatim.
"Secret Keeper: The Delicate Power of Modesty." Young women want to dress in style, but with that desire comes a huge responsibility to use femininity to bring glory to God. Written in a hip, big-sister style, this very straight-forward Christian book gives much-needed insight into what guys actually think when confronted with immodesty. Understand the intriguing, alluring power source that God has entrusted to every young woman for the holy purpose of creating a family someday. Take the "Truth or Bare" fashion test to see if your clothes are truly modest. My teenage daughters wish every girl could read this eye-opening book. Paperback, 78 pages, for age 12 and up.
Let's scrutinize this a bit, shall we?? (since it's so easy to do so!)
First, for ages 12 and up? Sorry Mrs. Hopkins, but if you're waiting until your girl is 12 to teach them about modesty, chances are you've already lost the war.
Second, point well taken-- don't let your daughter dress like a prostitute-- but if that's your message, shouldn't you avoid an allegory like "Truth or Bare?" Is this test one of common sense? Somehow, I bet not.
Finally, you're telling girls to be modest, but then, in your own words, you turn around and suggest they "use femininity to bring glory to God" and "understand the intriguing, alluring power source... for the "holy" purpose of creating a family." In other words, "If you got it, flaunt it, but not in those slutty clothes, girlfriend!" Oh yeah, and since when did having a family have to be of divine design? Whatever happened to having kids because you want to???

I've got a better idea. Why don't I keep my $8.95 plus shipping and handling, toss your catalogue into the circular file, and use my brain while teaching my daughter to use hers?

A.D.D on parade

Today I made a delivery to an area hotel for their convention center. The order advice called for 5 cases of lemonade, 2 cases of diet tea and 8 cases of raspberry tea. However, our inventory of raspberry had been depleted, so I only had the first 7 cases to bring in. As I wheeled them in, the receiver stated, "There's supposed to be 15 cases all together."
"Yes," I replied, but we're completely out of stock on the raspberry, so I only have 7 cases for you."
Bewildered, the man quizzed, "So what exactly are you telling me?"
How does one respond to a ridiculous inquiry like that? I could only think of one way, so I repeated, "I'm telling you we're out of stock on the raspberry!"
As if one dumb question weren't enough, the guy fired off another one. "So what do I do now?"

Answer: go back into your office and pop a few "Focus Factor" pills!

One more time: TWO ears, ONE mouth.

Today, I was filling the shelves of a local grocery store to whom I delivered an order. As I was doing this, I was wearing my uniform shirt emblazoned with the RC cola/Canada Dry logo. A woman walked up to me and very loudly asked, "Excuse me, but do you carry any of that diet sparkling water? You know, the stuff that looks like bottles of wine?"
Now, I've been approached before in stores by folks assuming I'm a store employee, so no biggie. I just said, "No, I'm sorry, but I don't work here. I'm just the soda delivery guy." (99% of the time this response clarifies everything, but this was a 1% deal.)
"No," the woman bellowed, "I mean, do YOU carry the sparkling water?"
OK, I thought, she wants to know what products I do or don't stock... "No, I don't. I just have sodas, Snapple, Vitamin water and the like."
That seemed to answer her question. Or so I thought, until about 30 seconds later, she hollered to me (loud enough for the entire store to hear) from the cross-aisle 20 feet away, "Yes you do! It's right over in aisle 9."
My patience wearing a bit thin, I appealed, "I didn't know the store carried it. That's not my product."
Holding up a bottle of the item in question, the Mouth roared, "But you do have it! See!?"

Didn't I say I didn't work at the store?
Guaranteed, none of her friends tell her, "You're such a great listener!"

Krispy Kreme and Wacky Tobacky

And now, on the "Don't You Have Anything Better To Do?" front...
Thanks to the Asheville Citizen-Times for the following article about the struggling doughnut makers' latest attempt to emerge from bankruptcy.
Krispy Kreme turns to tobacco veterans for fix, marketing help
By IEVA M. AUGSTUMS AP Business Writer
CHARLOTTE, N.C. (AP) -- Nearly two years after its stock collapsed amid an accounting fiasco, Krispy Kreme Doughnuts Inc. faces a host of lawsuits, a criminal investigation and declining sales. Meanwhile, efforts are under way in New York and Chicago to ban a key ingredient of its famous doughnuts, one that helps make the trademark treats so darn addictive.
Sounds a lot like the challenges faced by executives at Big Tobacco, and that's just where Krispy Kreme has turned to for help.
Last month, Winston-Salem, N.C.-based Krispy Kreme named Charles A. Blixt, a former executive vice president and general counsel at Reynolds American Inc., as its new general counsel. A week later, the company appointed Andrew J. Schindler, the retired chairman of Reynolds American, to its board of directors.
"They have long and distinguished careers at (Reynolds) and they left in pretty good shape. It's not a huge transition for them," said Mike Lord, a professor of corporate strategy at Wake Forest University. "Importantly, what's key is that they do have a great wealth of experience to manage under adversity."
...The latest threat is less imminent, but potentially more devastating. In both New York and Chicago, public health officials want to ban the use of artificial trans fatty acids, found in some shortenings, margarine and frying oils - ingredients in everything from pie crusts to french fries to, yes, Krispy Kreme's famous glazed doughnuts.
"These guys were successful in the tobacco industry fighting all the public health people, and here we have another industry with similar challenges," said Paul N. Bloom, a senior research scholar at Duke University's Fuqua School of Business. "I don't think Krispy Kreme can be accused by people saying they were deceived about the healthiness of the product - it's a doughnut. But that doesn't necessarily stop people from trying."
...But the company's financial troubles came at the height of the Atkins Diet craze, when carbohydrates were unwelcome on plates nationwide. And while some critics call the New York and Chicago efforts unnecessary meddling, the proposed bans on trans fatty acids are clearly aimed at fast-food restaurants such as Krispy Kreme.
For now, Krispy Kreme has one big marketing advantage over the cigarette companies - despite the worrisome trans fat push, there's no effort under way to ban the sale of doughnuts to minors, or locking away the snacks behind store counters. Still, Lord sees plenty of overlap between marketing doughnuts and cigarettes.
"It's one simple product," Lord said. "And they are both bad for you."

OMG. Lord, you have GOT to relax. Nobody who goes to the doughnut shop is looking to enhance their well-being. They want a treat, plain and simple. What has happened to America that causes an organization like KK to hire top legal minds to combat the anorexics and Atkin-heads? God forbid we should ingest something that tastes good!

Forcing your pardon, ma'am

Wal-mart can be such a mixed blessing...
Today, while doing our weekly shopping, my wife and I were in the electronics department, dropping off a roll of film to be developed. As my wife filled out the film envelope, a man with a cart rammed into the back of her legs. She paused, and then went back to work on envelope when the brute jabbed her again. This time, she looked up to basically tell the jerk to knock it off, and when she did, she was met with a surprised look and a sharp, "Would you please excuse me?"
A bit late, don't you think, bud?

To quote an old childhood line, "There's no excuse for you."

Editor's note: Our sister site, "People Say Profound Things, Too" will soon be changed to take a more paradoxal/ satirical approach to the current state of faith based organizations. After all, there's just not as many profound things said in today's world, darn it all. Beginning after the awarding of the next set of STUPIES, (just 14 posts away) you can learn about a new, emerging religion called "Incredulism" at http://mrincredulous.blogspot.com. After all, if L. Ron could create a whole new faith, why can't I?

Pardon my French!

Not all the good laughs I get while on the clock come while making deliveries...
Yesterday, upon completion of my route, I returned to the warehouse to overhear "Jake" (who, we have previously established, isn't the sharpest tool in the shed) talking with "Bobby," my boss. Jake was bragging about his upcoming major purchase. "I'm getting my new car soon! I'm gonna get one of those new (Mazda) Pro-teeges."
Obviously, he meant Protege, so Bobby prodded, "Isn't that pronounced 'Pro-teh-zhay?'"
Jake stood his ground and proclaimed, "No, I'm pretty sure it's 'Pro-teege."

With a chuckle and a shake of the head, I punched out and drove away in my Dodge Car-a-van.

Standing on a VERY small soap-box

File this under "Think before you speak." Today's posting comes courtesy of WNEP.com regarding winds of change which are blowing in the small town of Old Forge, PA (pop. 8,000), a tightly-knit, predominantly Italian community (BTW, nationality has very little to do with the story.) Bold type added for emphasis.
Old Forge Losing Its Charm?

Tuesday, October 10, By Josh Brogadir
There are some who believe Old Forge is losing its charm, as a large section of the downtown is being torn down. A CVS pharmacy will soon be a fixture on Main Street in the center of Old Forge.
Long-standing Capitano's Pharmacy is empty. The once-popular lunch stop Talarico's Restaurant is boarded up.
A whole block of buildings on Main Street will be gone, to be replaced by the new pharmacy.
"We're now emerging as a tourist attraction for people to eat good pasta, good pizza, so what do they do? They rip the heart out of our town," complained Candace Marino of Old Forge.
She came back to Old Forge because it was Old Forge. As each beam and brick of the buildings goes, so too, she said, does the borough's character. "We had eleven mom and pop places here, places where like if you were my neighbor I could go, 'how do you do today,' and you could go, 'great, I did great, everybody from Old Forge came down,'" Marino added.
Wayne Staff won't knock the demolition. He thinks the borough is changing with the times. "I guess that's the way things go these days, you know, progress," he said.
Across the street from the new pharmacy will be a parking lot, giving residents and visitors a good view of another Old Forge business, Dooley's Pub. "The more traffic that comes through, the more people see Dooley's, and that's good for us. We'll take it," said Mark Matylewicz of Dooley's Pub.
While workers at Dooley's Pub sees it as a gain, Marino still can't help but think of all that will be lost.
"Welcome to Old Forge. Now we're going to be the drug store capital of Pennsylvania, instead of the pizza capital, and that's not fair," added Marino.
Many of the buildings on Main Street between Oak and Sussex, including several apartments, have been vacant for quite some time. That hasn't stopped Marino and some other people living in Old Forge from promising to boycott CVS when it opens its doors.

"The drug store capital of PA???" Oh, come ON. Once CVS is built, there will be exactly FOUR pharmacies in town, plus a rehabilitation apothecary. While it's sad to see small businesses swallowed up by the corporate machine, I laugh at the thought of a small band of minions single-handedly bringing CVS to its knees with their boycott. After all, 2 of the other 3 pharmacies in town are also national chains. Will you boycott them, too? Oh, I forgot, that'd be POINTLESS!!!
Lastly, I must also note that while Old Forge dubs itself "the pizza capital of the world," Old Forge-style pizza is bland and tasteless, IMNSHO!

To whom are you speaking?

This past weekend, I was working for my company (Canada Dry) in the role of store merchandiser, meaning I take all the product out of the back room and place it on the shelves. As I worked along at a local Wal-mart, the Coke rep was also doing the same thing with his beverage line. Coke employees are notorious for not giving a toot about their fellow vendors and "taking over" any and all available space. With that said...
I had 3 pallets worth of product in the back of Wally's World, all in their designated (marked) spots. No sooner had I pulled out one pallet than the Coke dude took ownership of my spot, and blocked in another of my pallets with two of his own. Upon completing the filling of shelves with the first pallet, I went in the back and set Coke's two pallets off to the side so I could access my own. The second I reached the sales floor, the Coke kook got in my face and sneered, "What, are all of you guys (jerks)?" (He used a much more "colorful" metaphor.)

Three words: Perpetual Cranial Rectosis.

You can find anything at this store!

During my travels today, I passed a general store with the following sign out front: Any pumpkin only $2. Come see the new fall arrivals!

"You know, I'm not really happy with these new pumpkins. You got any wrinkled, moldy ones in back-stock?"

Dumb everyday phrases, revisited

"I've been tearing my hair out all day..."
Spoken when verbalizing frustration. But how many people do you see actually tearing their hair out when having a bad day? You think that really would make you feel better? "Ah, yes. I was so completely agitated by what was going on that I decided to replace emotional pain with physical pain. Do you think I could donate this stuff to 'Locks for Love?'"

I can hear it now, in a future conversation with my kids. "Daddy, why are some people bald?"
"Well, son/daughter, you see, that's because they have a lot of hardship in their lives, so they tore all their hair out."

Vesicare, anyone?

Today's post appears courtesy the Asheville Citizen-Times. Bold type added for emphasis...
N.C. State aims to keep students from urinating in stadium seats
by Elizabeth Dunbar, Associated Press Writer
published September 29, 2006 5:49 am
RALEIGH – The student sections at college football games are usually a little unruly, but student leaders at North Carolina State University just want the urinating to stop.
And the problem isn't just a rowdy bunch of intoxicated fans. Students say efforts aimed at preventing overcrowding in the student section at Carter-Finley Stadium led some fans, worried about being allowed back to their seats, to stay put during the Wolfpack's upset win last weekend against Boston College.
"They didn't want to leave the section to go to the bathroom," said student body president Will Quick. Complaints about urinating and vomiting in the stands soon followed.
N.C. State uses an online ticketing system that allows students to print their tickets at home. They enter the stadium by scanning a bar code on the ticket, but enter their assigned seating section by showing the ticket to an usher. Quick said many students make copies of the tickets for the main student section so that they can sit with their friends, who may be assigned to a less favorable section.
And so when staff and police officers announced the section was full during last weekend's 17-15 win against the Eagles, some students opted to remain in the stands — no matter what.
"It was a bad image for N.C. State and for students," said Quick, adding that he was especially disappointed that it happened during Parents' Weekend. "We're not all like that."

I can see it now. Joe Campus walks back to his fraternity house after the big game. Upon opening the door, his frat brothers notice the HUGE wet mark all over the front of his pants. "Wow. Must've been a great game, huh, Joe?" Joe replies, "Yeah. Jimmy puked three times in his seat, dude!"

Does no one exercise self-control anymore???

I have a confession...

The PSST bug hit me, too!
Yesterday, (10/2/06) I was making a delivery to a retail chain store. The franchise uses a scan gun to check in products and maintain its inventory. During the check-in process, the store employee must enter in the invoice number, date, cost, etc... The gal using the gun asked me what the date was on the invoice, and without thinking, I blurted out, "The twoth." (Instead of "the second.")

Yes, folks, it's true-- I am not immune from vocalizing stupidity, even though I ridicule it regularly.

2nd today: Stupid pick-up lines

I've never used them, but I've heard them. Half-drunk men who live in their pants make a B-line for some pretty girl at a bar, and then proceed to prove their "worth" but opening their mouths and letting words come out.

"Excuse me, but I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?"
What you really said: "Excuse me, but I'm a doofus. Will you please point your finger and laugh out loud at me?"

"Oh. Running a little low on cash. Guess we'll have to share a cab ride home!"
The truth: "I'm a worthless bum without two cents to my name. Can I sponge off you as long as possible?"

"I can't explain it, but I'm feeling this incredible energy between us. Can you feel it?"
Translation: "Man, I'm wasted. Are you wasted?"

I'm sure many, MANY others could make an appearance on this blog at a future date.

Argument goes up in smoke

Our local news station, WNEP-16, reported yesterday on an area hospital becoming a completely smoke-free campus, following the trend set by many other health facilities nationwide. While it's a nice little "filler" story for the broadcast, station reporters were not satisfied with leaving it at that. They had to find an idiot. And they succeeded, filming the input of a local yokel, who lives near the hospital.
On nodding his approval to the hospital's new policy, the guy pointed, "Adam and Eve didn't smoke, right? So if God intended us to smoke, he would've provided tobacco, wouldn't he?"

Evidently, this man has no idea what the leading crop of Virginia and North Carolina is.

Upon discussing this gaffe this morning, my friend Pat disclosed that the dude was his wedding photographer. What a small, smoke-free world!

A look says it all: a lament

Yesterday was an extremely upsetting day for me. I grabbed the paper and discovered that an old acquaintance of mine-- somebody I used to be very close friends with, was arrested and charged with inappropriate sexual contact with/ corruption of a minor. Apparently, this took place over a 4-year time period. In the article, a police detective disclosed that (my old friend) confessed to the crimes. When asked by the detective if he had similair contact with other minors, he "fell silent and stared right at me."

Sickening. You really can tell a lot about a person just by reading his/her face.

And when do you PLAN on growing up?

In today's installment under the "Too much information" category, we wander onto the pages of the "Weekender," Northeast PA's entertainment weekly.
A regular feature is a "We asked, you answered" pool question. This week's query: "When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?"
Most answers were "normal," or at least understandable that a child would think this way...
"An astronaut."
"A rock star."
"The United States Emperor." (I liked that one!)
"A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle..."
And then, Ms. Andee Scarantino threw in her wonderful idea: "I wanted to be a man because I was growing tired of sitting down to pee."

Great to know you always set your standards high, Andee!

Holy java, Batman!

I brought in a delivery to a local convenience store today. 3 ladies were working in there, and Thursday is always their busiest day, because all of the product for the week comes in from all the vendors. A pair of ladies were feverishly working together in one aisle, trying to price and display their merchandise, while the third was manning the register with a line of customers. (The scene is set...)
As I set about to my work of putting my sodas in the coolers, a man walked in and passed the register on his way to the coffee machine at the back of the store. Now, there's no way on earth he couldn't have noticed how busy everyone was, but that didn't stop from bellowing out in a combatant tone, "There's no coffee here! You're out of coffee!"
The poor cashier had to leave the line of waiting customers to appease Mr. Valdez. However, as soon as she made it back to the machine, she saw the man's claim was not quite true. "There's coffee here! There's half a pot!"
The man arrogantly voiced, "Yeah, but I have to fill my mug here, plus I'm filling cups for three of my friends!"
Flustered, the poor over-worked clerk said, "Fine. I'll make some more, but just give me a couple of minutes to finish with the other customers."
"No, no," the man contradicted. "You don't have to do that. It's not a big deal." Then, with a pregnant pause, he proudly breathed, "After all, I'm a Christian and a man of peace."
Such an out-of-place declaration drew incredulous stares from both the clerk and myself.

You're a man of peace, huh? Then why did you raise such a big stink about there not being any joe, drawing others away from their business just so they could lick your French-roasted boots???

Sorry! Wrong number!

Today's post comes courtesy of "News Quirks," a compilation of strange but true news stories put together by Roland Sweet. Having worked as a directory assistance operator for 7 years, I thoroughly enjoyed this one...
Japanese officials arrested a 44-year-old man who made 37,760 silent calls to directory assistance so he could hear the "kind" voices of the female operators. "When I made a complaint call once, the operator dealt with it very kindly," the man told Hiroshima police, "so I wanted to hear these women's voices." The newspaper Mainichi Shimbun reported the calls, made between March and July this year, caused psychological distress to more than 100 operators at Nippon Telegraph and Telephone Corp.
Gee. Maybe the man should have had more to complain about.

Psychological distress? You want to talk about psychological distress? Forget about the silent calls. What's really stressful is working in a room full of people who couldn't pass a psych exam if they had Thomas Edison's brain implanted in their head. Why else would operators carry around stuffed frogs and talk to them all day? ("Frog Lady") ...Or eat hard candy immediately after chipping a tooth-- on a hard pretzel? ("Big Show") ...Or screaming obscenities at your co-workers because you don't love Jesus as much as she does? ("Cricket") ...Or leer about muttering, "Bodies for dollars!" ("Vidalia") ...Or yelling across the room, "The toilet seat burned my @$$!" ("Green Gogglin") ...Or pretend-playing in construction-paper corn fields? ("Hawaiian Al") ...Or....

Remember, folks, these are the people helping you get information.

Thanks loads for your "help."

Today, my job took me to a local American Vets Post today, aka bar. I had never delivered to this particular place before, and I had 10 large tanks for a soda fountain to bring in. I decided to leave the tanks in the truck until I could ascertain where exactly they were going to be kept. I wandered inside, and made my way into a lounge, where 4 drunk men (it was only 3:30 PM) and a female bartender sat, watching "Family Feud" on TV. (Apparently, this was as much stimuli as they could handle.) I asked the barkeep where to carry the tanks to.
She said, (sans any type of hand gestures) "First, you'll have to go downstairs, and then make a right turn--"
I could see she was going to turn the journey to the tanks' destination into a novel, so I interrupted, "OK, so where are the stairs?"
My query made no impact. "Alright. You go downstairs, right?"
Again, I sought to clarify. "Yes. But where are the steps?"
Coyote Ugly started getting upset, but still would not abandon her robotic stance. "No, listen to me. You go down the stairs---"
Forcefully, I pressed, "Yes! Where are they? I can't go down the stairs if I don't know how to find them!"
Exasperated, she threw up her hands and gasped, "Aw! Fine. I'll have to show you. I can't explain it to you."

Can't explain it??? BTW, turns out the steps were about 25 feet directly to her left side, but I guess she couldn't find the words to explain it.

Survey says, "X!"

More potty talk?

Today, I entered a convenience store to make a delivery. As the clerk was checking me in, a man exited the restroom, which was off to one side of the store. He had a harrowed expression painted across his face. Obviously of a strong, deep-Southern heritage, he sauntered up to the clerk and declared, "Yew wuz raht... Ah done didn't dare go in thar..."

First off, T.M.I!!!!!
Second, if you're the store employee and you know the bathroom was in less than ideal condition, isn't it your responsibility to do something about it beyond telling folks, "Hey, you don't want to go there"???

Well, thank God for THAT!

Upon a shopping trip to Wal-mart yesterday, my wife discovered a particular toilet deodorizer... BOWL FRESH Toilet Deodorizer. Pleasantly Scented!

What a relief. I'm glad I didn't buy a product that said, "Smells like a restroom on the Interstate used by a bunch of truckers eating bean burritos!"

The other funny thing about this product is a warning on the back: "This product contains a chemical known to the State of California to cause cancer."

Ahh. Seems nobody else has made this acknowledgement yet, so we'll just go ahead and sell this junk to the other 49 states...

Stinking to high heaven

The city of Scranton, PA has been going through an identity crisis ever since the 1950s when the anthracite industry died off. Scranton has been trying to figure out how to re-invent herself from that day to this. Recently, the current moron-- I'm sorry, I meant mayor-- has been attempting to create the "Electric City" as a tourist destination. Good folks, I can tell you with full assuredness: T'ain't gonna happen! Anyhoo...
The most recent attempt to draw folks to the downtown (on life-support) region is by holding big parties on the roofs of the parking garages. (Ooh. Sounds like fun to me. Not!) The funniest part of this is that the city took out a full-page ad in the weekly entertainment paper. Now some of the benefits listed about this get-together are common sense, but others, well... You be the judge.
RAISING THE ROOF 2, Friday, October 13 at the Medallion Parking Garage. $20 Admission includes cocktails, hors d'oeuvres, live music, free parking.
...Same basic rooftop concept as our wildly successful (debatable) party on August 18, with a few minor adjustments...
1st- MORE ROOM! This party is moving to the top of the newer and larger Medallion Garage... Good idea. Take away much-needed parking spots from city employees so you can have a party!
2nd- MORE BARS! [blah, blah, blah.] Great. Load folks up and then take them to the top of a garage with a VERY short fence around the perimeter.
3rd- MORE PARKING! See analysis #1. Not only do workers lose spaces to the party itself, but also to the party-goers' vehicles.
4th- MORE FOOD! OK, makes sense. I'll leave this one be.
5th- MORE DRINKS! We're planning an Octoberfest theme, etc, etc, etc! See point #2! Gravity works!
6th- MORE RESTROOMS! This time we're calling in a crane to lift the Port o' Potties to the top floor.
Much to say here! First, nothing adds to the ambiance of a rooftop party full of drunks falling to their deaths than the putrid smell of Port-o-lavs. Second, not only will people have a hard time finding a spot to land their car for work, but they'll have a hard time just getting to their jobs because cranes will be blocking all the streets around the garage. Finally, the last time a crane was used downtown (remember folks, the city is built over several old abandoned mines) the sidewalk collapsed under the weight, causing the crane to crash into the building it was in front of, resulting in tons of damage to facility, walkways and machinery alike.

Yep, another brilliantly thought-out nightmare by Mr. Artsy-fartsy mayor! What's next, a public fundraiser, complete with celebrity emcee, generating money for the destruction of condemned, blighted buildings which fester on every corner of the town?

2nd today: Incoherent protest

On my travels every Thursday, I pass a house with an old bread truck in front of it. The man decided to use the vehicle to stage his dissatisfaction when the local phone company visited his property to perform repairs on phone lines in the area, and painted the truck with this large-print rant posted on it:
"(Company X) smashes/destroys slate sidewalk, replaces with cheap concrete. House devalued by $20,000. Notice the receipts I have. Where are your answer receipts?"
Um, what kind of receipts? Is that in contrast to a question receipt?
OK, so your house was greatly devalued. Sorry to hear that. So in response, you spend a bunch of money for an assessor, or maybe two, seeing as how you have multiple receipts; and then you spend more money to retrofit your truck into an angry billboard?

Apparently, you didn't spend money on a grammar tutor. Or a financial advisor.

Who's keepin' this guy's books?

Today, Pat called me on the road moments after this bizarre happening...
Pat made a soda delivery to a small, rural market. As the proprietor wrote out a check to pay for the product, Pat-- as per custom-- took the invoice to mark "Paid" on it. The store manager saw this, and told Pat, "The check number is eleven-triple four-nine."
Ok, thought Pat, and he proceeded to write "#114449" on the bill.
"What are you doing?" the dude stammered. "I said triple four."
Taken aback, Pat said, "Right. I wrote 1-1-4-4-4-9."
"But that's three fours. I said triple four," the man indignantly phrased. "If I meant 3 fours, I would have said 3 fours." (WHAT???)
At a loss, Pat shrugged. Then the man took the invoice and pointed, "There's 2 fours! The check number is 11449."
Pat's mind raced with two thoughts. First, Call [Mr. I] and tell him about this! Second, Don't laugh in this guy's face! Don't laugh!

The transaction completed, Pat couldn't resist a dig of logic. "I just assumed that there were three fours in the check number, because in baseball, when a player hits a triple, he gets 3 bases."

With a blank stare, the man hesitated, ".....Oh..."

2nd today: Vaguely redundant

Our beloved local TV station, WNEP-16, has a regular evening feature called "Talkback," which gives viewers a forum to express their take on the stories the station reports on.
A piece on a local sportsman's club wanting to sponsor a live pigeon shoot generated a lot of responses this week. Seems the club wants to privately rent out its grounds to a group of "professional" skeet shooters to do a live shoot. (Yes, I find this rather barbaric and unnecessary, but I don't let it ruffle my feathers either, no pun intended.)
One elderly watcher from Wysox, PA got her undies in a bunch and called the Talkback line, recording this: "Don't you DARE... let those men shoot those birds! Where's the humanity in the human race?"

Hmm... The humanity in the human race...
I understand the point she was attempting to drive home; it just ends up sounding ridiculous, though!

More stupid human tricks

Today, my buddy Pat and I were tag-teaming on soda deliveries. We happened to stop at the convenience store just 1/2 mile from my house. A group of teens, who I've seen hanging around before, were "collaborating" (aka loitering) in front of the store, discussing a myriad of topics. Suddenly, one voice rose above the din and vibrantly declared, "I like to open doors with my head."
Where in the name of Alfred E. Newman did that come from?
I'm sure that contribution to the world will open doors for you someday!!!

Pat told me that next time I see those kids around, I should ask, "Who here is good at opening doors with his head?" and see if I get a response...

Life in the stopped lane

On Mondays, my work route takes me in such a way that I need to return to the warehouse via a toll highway. Each toll booth has designated (key word here) lanes for E-Z Pass, an electronic "ticket" or box which is placed in your windshield and scanned as you pass through the booth at a low speed, negating the need to actually stop and pay a toll each time. It's kind of like a credit card for the toll road.
I guess this technology is a bit too much for some to handle, however.
As I pulled into a lane to pay my toll, I got stuck behind a Honda Accord with a young woman driving it. She had an E-Z Pass, but did not pull into the correct lane. The attendant was a bit annoyed. "I only take tolls with tickets," he notified the driver. "I can't do anything with your Pass."
"Oh," the woman fretted. Then, trying to be helpful-- so to speak-- she handed the box to the attendant. "Well, can't you just deduct it off my credit total?"
"No!" the booth man emphatically declared. "You'll have to pull forward and off the side of the road until the supervisor can figure out what to do about this."
The doofus was not about to be swayed. "Look, I'm in a hurry. I need you to charge my Pass so I can be on my way!"
Now the attendant was steamed. "What part of NO don't you understand? Pull forward and off the road so the people behind you can get through!"
"I can't DO that!" the driver answered. "I need to pay my *%^#!! toll!"
Resolutely, the toll worker stated, "I... can't... help... you, Miss!"
"OOOOOHHH!" the driver angrily exclaimed, and took off.

Fines for failure to pay tolls in PA are $250. I hope she can get that credited off her Pass.

2nd today: Thanks for "your help."

Today I went into a local CVS pharmacy, a large, franchised chain of stores. My business (soda delivery) brought me there, but it was an elderly customer which caught my eye and held my attention. She was continually pacing the aisles, looking confused. Finally, she approached the store clerk, and asked, "Excuse me, but where can I find ACE bandages?" Without batting an eye, the clerk shot, "In a hospital?!" ...and walked away...

I guess that sign on the front door reading, "No shirt, no shoes, no service" also applies to those of us who are wearing shirts and shoes, huh?

Say that again?

I had to laugh when viewing this last week's copy of People magazine...
Steve Irwin's Tragic Death
A stingray barb through the heart kills the beloved Aussie adventurer, who leaves behind a wife and three small children. How did this happen?

Um, refer to the first sentence.

Taking pride in one's non-accomplishments

The following exchange took place between a young proprietor (tattoo parlor) and a youth on a beat-up bicycle outside a local convenient store in Northeastern PA this afternoon.
PROP: "Hey, Jimmy, why aren't you in school today?"
JIMMY: "'Cuz I dropped out last year, loser!"

Oh, I see. The shop owner is a loser because he's got a successful career and some cash in his pocket. That makes sense. Yeeeeeeaaaahhhhhhh....

The lesser tragedy of 9/11

Today is the 5-year anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. Everywhere you turn, one couldn't help but be reminded of the horrors which occurred that fateful day. It got me thinking back and recalling how my life was forever changed...
The day after the Towers collapsed, members of our church met to pray. The first thing that really shook me was that while ours was a 200-member congregation, only 15 souls showed up to pray for friends and families of those who died, injured, or were still unaccounted for. It didn't make sense to me. The few of us were also the ones deeply involved with ministry and activities at the church. At that time, I was a board member, youth group leader and Sunday school teacher. Most of the others there were leaders of some type.
At the conclusion of our prayer time, the senior pastor talked with the rest of us, and said, "We're going to be leaving the front doors of the church unlocked this week. A lot of people will be looking for a place of sanctuary and peace in this dire time."
OK, I thought, makes sense, but something's missing... "Are we going to have church members available to be here to pray with and talk with these people?"
Puzzled, the pastor shook his head. "No, I really don't see the need for that."

9/11 was the day hundreds perished due to religious zealotry and intolerance.
9/12 was the day the Church became officially irrelevant due to religious indifference.

The pastor actually thought the building was important to make available to the community, but not the people??? I spent the next 3 1/2 years screaming within the Church walls to wake up and reach out to the "world," rather than shut herself inside to "protect" herself from it. Nobody listened. Finally, I gave up.
I deeply regret I ever sold myself out to such an organization that was so self-serving and said it cared, but clearly didn't.

God love$ me more than you!

Like you're really so important... From AOL news come these excerpts of luck and messed up theology. (Now, I know what you're thinking: "Good for her, and Mr. I, you're just a bit jealous, now, aren't you?" No, it's actually not that at all: I'm just sick of people who attribute every single thing that happens in the universe to the will of whatever cosmic being you may believe in, and I'm tired of folks who hint that God is favoring them over others...)
NEW YORK (Sept, 9) - A woman who won $1 million from a state lottery game four years ago has improbably hit the jackpot again.
Valerie Wilson, who works at a Long Island deli, said she won another $1 million on a lottery scratch-off game last month. "The first time I couldn't believe it," Wilson told Newsday. "This time I said, 'God's on my side.'"
The prize will be paid out in $50,000 installments over 20 years. Wilson said she used her first winnings to help buy homes for her three children. (Well, seriously, that's very nice. I'm glad for her and her children. Until...)
"This one is going to be for me," she said. "I'm going to live a little bit."
Oh, really? Let me educate you a tad, Val.
First, what about when the Bible says, "No one can serve two masters... You cannot serve both God and money." (St. Matthew 6:24) So I guess God really didn't grant you this money for you to blow, eh? Additionally, what do you do about Malachi 3:8 and 10? "Will a man rob God? Yet you rob me. But you ask, 'How do we rob you?' In tithes and offerings... Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in My house." (I'm not necessarily saying give the money to the church; just consider those who truly need some cash...)

Millions of people are living in dire poverty, even within the boundaries of our own nation, but God chose you, huh? I don't think so!

Don't judge a cop by his cover

About a decade ago, my wife and I briefly (Thank the Lord!) lived in Philadelphia. One day, while my wife was teaching her class of 7th grade hooligans, I was waiting for a bus down by city hall so I could meet her at the end of the school day. A drag queen was hanging out in front of a building across the street, and was telling everybody who walked by that he was an undercover member of the Philly police force.

Um, not anymore, "dude!"

QUESTION: What do you get...

...When you combine blunt stupidity with greed?

Our family was in desperate need for a new car-- the trannie on our old one was dying a rapid death. So, reluctantly, we piled into the car and drove down to a local lot. Due to financial limitations, we could only afford a used car; precisely, a minivan. As we looked around the lot, there were only a couple to choose from, and we knew they'd be out of our price range. But before we could leave, the salesman, Dave, asked us, "How about a nice sedan, folks?"
"No," I factually answered. "I've got 3 growing kids, and I need to think about 3 years down the road, not just now."
So he follows that up with, "You know, we've got brand new vans starting at $XX,000!"
"That's about 10 grand more than we can afford!" I rebutted. Next, he tries to play the psychological "only-a-little-bit-of-money" head games, for which, unknowingly to Dave, we were fully prepared for. "Well, what's the absolute most you can afford on a monthly payment?" he purred.
I bluntly stated, "$(x)."
"Ohhh," he soothed. "So then, would just $(x+40) really be that much of a stretch?"
"YES!" my wife and I boldly retorted in unison.
Not willing to let go of a purported chance to fleece someone, Dave offered, "Well, how about a nice Buick Rendezvous? It's top-of-the-line at a sweet price!"
"Yeah?" I barbed. "Where's the third-row seat that we need?"
Dave finally showed signs of hopelessness. "Oh, you're right! It doesn't have one!" Brilliant deduction, Blind Willie!!!
Needless to say, our new vehicle did NOT come from this dealership.

So what do you get when you combine stupidity with greed? ANSWER: Augmented stupidity, proving that while you can buy all sorts of great things, you can't buy common sense.

Looking for a bargain

Last week, I was delivering sodas to a store. A customer had grabbed a bag of chips which was priced with a big red sticker at 99 cents, and asked the store clerk, "Hey, are these 50 cents?"
Slightly taken aback, the clerk politely hesitated, "...Um, no. They're 99 cents."
I thought to myself, OK, so maybe this guy is illiterate. Not everyone can read. My doubt was soon confirmed as unfounded, however.
"...Oh," the man moaned, and after a two-second pause, pressed, "Are you sure these aren't 50 cents?"

Yeah, maybe they were, dude, in 1996!!!

Pressing your luck too far

Excerpts in black courtesy from the AP.
"Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin was tragically, but not surprisingly, killed early Monday by a stingray during a diving expedition. While it is sad that this happened, I find it most regrettable, in the sense that this was so preventable. There's a fine line between fascination and respect of nature!
Irwin was at Batt Reef, off the remote coast of northeastern Queensland (Australia) state, shooting a segment for a series called "Ocean's Deadliest" when he swam too close to one of the animals, which have a poisonous bard on their tails, his friend and colleague John Stainton said.
"He came on top of the stingray and the stingray's barb went up and into his chest and put a hole into his heart," said Stainton, who was on board Irwin's boat at the time. Stingrays have a serrated, toxin-loaded barb, or spine, on the top of their tail. The barb, which can be up to 10 inches long, flexes if a ray is frightened. Stings usually occur to people when they step on or swim too close to a ray and can be excruciatingly painful but are rarely fatal, said University of Queensland marine neuroscientist Shaun Collin.
Collin said he suspected Irwin died because the barb pierced under his ribcage and directly into his heart.
"It was extraordinarily bad luck..." Collin said.
Bad luck, or a bad choice of activity?

...Reminds me of a comic book I saw years ago entitled, "Unpleasant Ways To Die."

2nd today: Keep on hand-truckin'

Just moments after the occurrence of the previous post, I went on to my next delivery. I loaded up my hand-truck with the cases ordered, and wheeled it toward the front door. An older gentleman had walked up to the door just a few steps before me. He looked at me hauling my load, and asked, "Hey, buddy, you going in?"

No, dude; I figured I'd just take this baby out for a spin on the half-pike, seeing if I could qualify for the next X-Games!!!

Chew on this

Upon entering a mom-and-pop store this past week, I took notice of a new product set upon the counter. While Gummi-bears and Gummi-worms are nothing new, this variant of the popular candy was most unusual.
"NEW Gummi lightning bugs!" The cloudy little treat came with a pair of plastic tweezers. Apparently, a child pinches the bugs between the tweezer tongs, and a little light bulb in the tong causes the gum to glow with luminescent light. The problem with this amazing new concept was the disclaimer printed on the packaging.
"WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD."

OK, who conceived this purple haze of intellectualism? Offer candy to children that supplies a choking hazard? (Not) Brilliant!!! Yeah, I'm sure this idea will sell like gang-busters!

Gee. What shouldn't they think up next?

What's for lunch?

As I made a delivery to a small hoagie (or, if you prefer, hero or sub) shop, I took notice of the owner, who was behind the counter, looking exasperated. Meanwhile, a middle-aged woman longingly studied the menu board. I got the idea that these two had been in the same position for quite some time. After a long pregnant pause, accompanied by much eye-rolling of the shopkeeper, the woman hemmed and hawed a bit, then vacantly quizzed, "OK, 'ham and cheese.' Now, what do you mean by that? I mean, what is it made up of?"

Um... ham... Oh yeah, and cheese!

"Looks like somebody missed snack time!"

No, Tommy, the SHOES! THE SHOES!!!

Today was a day beyond incredulous. Just within the span of 9 hours, I have encountered 6 instances of outrageous stupidity. (...And I wasn't looking for it!) I shall refrain from overloading your senses and spread it out over the course of a few days...

Two words: TOO MUCH. I was logging onto my Yahoo! homepage, and was greeted by this lovely pic on the login screen.
Ok, so we still haven't gotten to catch a glimpse of Suri Cruise yet locked safely away in Tom's house of holistic horrors, but we can view-- no, BID ON-- her bronzed poop???

Just when you thought the Cruiser couldn't possibly weird us out further, he manages to scrape the bottom of the proverbial compost pile. Or maybe not quite so proverbial.

Ask the expert

Yesterday, I made a beverage delivery to a local convenient store. Because of problems at the bottling plant, we haven't been able to send most of our 20-ounce bottles of soda to our customers. In the usual case of "Don't shoot the messenger," I often get the brunt of complaints when a delivery doesn't arrive complete; but I'm not a salesman or a counselor!
As I entered the store, the manager jumped on me immediately. "Did you bring us our Sunkist and A&W Root beer?" she interrogated.
"No," I deflected, "We're really not sure when we'll get them in."
She pointed to the empty slots (where these sodas would normally go) in the cooler, and sputtered, "What do you suggest I do with that???"

Hey, don't look at me, it's not my store!

What gives Bob Barker the creeps

Our family had briefly looked into getting a cat. Being that we reside in public housing, we needed to check with our housing manager first, and find out the appropriate steps we would have to take before bringing a feline home. "Doris" told us what forms we'd have to fill out, how much the pet deposit would be, and so on. Then she added, "Of course, the cat has to be up-to-date on all shots, and must be spayed and/or neutered."

"...AND/or? AND/or???

What sort of freaks of nature do you see chasing mice around here, girl? (Great! All sorts of genitilia flying around here!) Did you import your cat from Chernobyl?

No job fo' yoo!

Special thanks to Pat for finding this and notifying me of web stupidity...
A local radio station's website has a link for employment opportunities, as does most other stations. There's something rather unique about this job posting, however...
Radio Advertising Sales! ROCK 107 is looking for motivated, men and women to join our team of broadcast sales professionals. ROCK 107 offers a great compensation package with benefits. Jobs don’t have to be boring. Maybe it’s time for a change. Call Jerry Paparelli, Sales Manager Today at (570) 207-8541.
No phone calls please.*
Ok, so not only does this ad contradict itself (Call me, don't call me), but it fails to give you a contact option! Great.

Jobs don't have to be boring, but you'll not even get a sniff of this career!
*Source: www.rock107.com

Half-and-half (as in half-truth)

Today, my wife and I were shopping in Wally's World. She wanted to find some non-dairy creamer to use in her coffee in the morning. However, when she picked up the container to read what's in it, she found, to her great dismay, that each brand had the same first ingredient:
MILK.
Hold on there, Bessie! Isn't the definition of dairy any product made from MILK or CREAM? How then can they market their product(s) as non-dairy?

Somebody get Oliver Stone on the phone for me. I smell a conspiracy!

2nd today: Shameful treatment of the downtrodden

Editor's note: today's post has quite a bit of righteous anger included. It's a sad-but-true fact: not all stupidity is funny. In fact, in instances like this, it's downright wrong.
News like this makes my blood boil. Today's story comes from the Scranton (PA) Times-Tribune, reporting on the foreboding closure of a city housing project.
City to condemn plaza
BY CHRIS BIRK, STAFF WRITER
08/24/2006 (Take note of this date!) With a lapsed deadline and no word from the Scranton Housing Authority, the city declared Wednesday that it will condemn Washington Plaza [housing project] on Sept. 1.
Hoping to stave off condemnation, attorneys for the housing authority and plaza residents hashed out a stop-gap proposal they plan to give the city within days. The plan calls for the installation of battery-powered smoke detectors in all attics, basements and common areas of the housing complex, as well as 24-hour security at the site...
"The housing authority could put in smoke alarms. The reality is, the city is holding all the cards,” said attorney Kevin Quisenberry of the Community Justice Project, a Pittsburgh-based organization that provides legal aid to low-income state residents... They presented the plan — and the city shared its news of coming condemnation — during a sometimes heated meeting with residents on Wednesday night...
There was no indication Wednesday night if the last-minute plan will be acceptable to Bill Fiorini, director of the city’s office of licensing, inspections and permits, who issued the letter regarding condemnation of the plaza. Mr. Fiorini did not attend the meeting Wednesday night. The city’s public safety director, Ray Hayes, delivered the news to plaza residents. ...Mr. Fiorini’s letter, in fact, would seem to rebuff in advance any hope of a reprieve. “These code violations are serious matters that affect the health, safety and welfare of the residents and others,” he wrote. “No additional extensions of time will be granted.”
The city gave the housing authority a 30-day window to address the safety concerns. The deadline passed on Aug. 17... Mr. Fiorini has said the authority could install hard-wired fire alarms throughout Washington Plaza to stave off condemnation. Those alarms would cost up to $180,000 or so, according to the authority. They would also likely be in conflict with any future renovation work at the plaza...
In reality, there are only a handful of scenarios left for Washington Plaza and its 40-some families.If the last-ditch plan involving battery-operated smoke alarms doesn’t satisfy the city and fire safety officials, plaza residents will be forced to leave next Friday, unless the housing authority installs the hard-wired alarms or finds another way to meet the city’s requirements... In the event of condemnation, the authority has agreed to hire an ombudsman to handle all relocation matters, provide relocation expenses and advance utilities and security deposits and give plaza residents priority on any public housing openings for the next two years.
“Can you guarantee us that we will have a house by next Friday?” longtime resident June Doughitt asked Mr. Baker. “You don’t have to worry about next Friday, having a roof over your head."
OK, Scranton Housing Authority. You knew for years that conditions at the Plaza were unsafe, yet you not only failed to do something about it, but you continued to rent out units to families for years, never telling them of said safety violations? You also neglected to do inspections which are required by HUD for at least a year-and-a-half, ignoring the problem until it stuck out like a sore thumb. Worst yet, you give residents news of their ousting just 8 days before the deadline? How do you think one is to find a new place to live with such unacceptably short notice? These poor folks are low-income, meaning they don't have the finances to secure other housing. As Mrs. Doughitt expressed, how are you going to find alternative housing for all 40 families in 192 hours???
I was homeless for 3 short days once, and I understand their plight. How would you SHA officials, living in your posh homes with a cushy job, fare if the roof over your head was taken away? This unjust, criminal, inexcusable scorn against the needy and less fortunate has GOT to stop. Just because one doesn't have status or cash does not make them any less of a person. Low-income citizens depend on government agents being capable, not culpable! They need security, but more than that, they need to be understood and cared for.

To the members of the housing authority: it is my sincerest hope that somehow, someway, it's discovered that some law was broken, justice will prevail, and you and your white-shirted cronies will get the only shelter you deserve: the lock-up.

This pair does NOT match

Today, as I traveled through the country, I saw a home with an outhouse nearby.
Posted on the outhouse door: a "For Sale" sign.

Gross!!!

A VE-E-E-E-ERY slow decline

Today I was reading the Binghamton (NY) Press & Sun-Bulletin. The lead story was the broad-daylight shooting murder of a man in a West-side neighborhood, apparently in a drug deal gone bad. (If you're wondering, localmusician, it's Clinton Street. That says it all!)
This neighborhood went to pot decades ago. At an early age, (I'm almost 40, BTW) I knew this was a street I never wanted to take a stroll down. Anyhoo, the story develops as several folks hear 3 gunshots, and look out their storefronts to see a man bleeding in the middle of the road. Many rush out to try to help the dying man. One of them, Patricia Gaven, lamented, "This has been a nice neighborhood. We knew right away they were gunshots. ...I think it's the beginning of the end [of the demise of that community.]"

The beginning of the end? How long has this region been a social dump?? And if this is such a nice place to live and work, how were you so decidedly able to determine the sound you heard were gunshots??? Gee, when will the end finally come, in the year 2525???

For those without a clue

I couldn't believe my eyes. As I perused other blogs tonight, I came across a strange but true photo of a road sign.

"WARNING: WATER ON ROAD DURING RAIN."

Ya don't say!!!
(If you'd like to see the photo for yourself, go to http://valedon.blogspot.com and check the post dated June 25.)

Just plain mathetic

A few years ago, when my friend Pat and I were still slaving away at the telecommunications company, we shared acquaintances with a gal named Shawna. (She's famous for uttering her comment which can be found in the August 2005 archives, "Stop at the Exxon...") During a break one day, Pat was contemplating his future in a conversation with another co-worker, Mike, and wondered about going back to school, specializing in mathematics.
"You don't want to do that," Shawna piped up, even though she hadn't been invited into the conversation. "Go for computers. Math is gonna be obsolete in 10 years from now anyway."

...And how to you think a computer is able to compute everything that it does, Shawna?

Double Standards 101

(Editor's note: as a formerly ordained preacher, I am dealing with an issue within the Christian church. Some of my viewpoints are supported by the Bible, of which I will quote. To "non-believers," please bear with me and understand I am not "preaching;" rather, I am proving a point at how ridiculous this story is.)
Oh, how I lament (seriously) over the ridiculous state of affairs in the Church in America today. Here's just another example of how asinine things have become, courtesy ABC News and Yahoo! News, via the Associated Press: Church fires teacher for being woman
(Mon Aug 21, 8:40 AM ET)
WATERTOWN, N.Y. - The minister of a church that dismissed a female Sunday School teacher after adopting what it called a literal interpretation of the Bible says a woman can perform any job — outside of the church.
The First Baptist Church dismissed Mary Lambert on Aug. 9 with a letter explaining that the church had adopted an interpretation that prohibits women from teaching men. She had taught there for 54 years.
The letter quoted the first epistle to Timothy: "I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent."
The Rev. Timothy LaBouf, who also serves on the Watertown City Council, issued a statement saying his stance against women teaching men in Sunday school would not affect his decisions as a city leader in Watertown, where all five members of the council are men but the city manager who runs the city's day-to-day operations is a woman.
"I believe that a woman can perform any job and fulfill any responsibility that she desires to" outside of the church, LaBouf wrote Saturday.
Mayor Jeffrey Graham, however, was bothered by the reasons given Lambert's dismissal.
"If what's said in that letter reflects the councilman's views, those are disturbing remarks in this day and age," Graham said. "Maybe they wouldn't have been disturbing 500 years ago, but they are now."
Lambert has publicly criticized the decision, but the church did not publicly address the matter until Saturday, a day after its board met.
Ok, so if you TRULY believe the Bible as absolute authority, what is the difference between women in positions of "leadership" within and without the church?
Is 1 Timothy 2:12 addressing a cultural issue, or making a new command? (A new "law" would contradict an older Scripture that was sent out by the Council at Jerusalem in Acts 15:28-29-- "It seemed good to the Holy Spirit and to us not to burden you with anything beyond the following requirements: You are to abstain from food sacrificed to idols, from blood, from the meat of strangled animals and from sexual immorality.") Moreso, is this "command" a timeless verdict from God, or is it Timothy's own personal viewpoint? Note the verse reads, "I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man..."
Further, was Mary Lambert teaching Sunday School to MEN or CHILDREN? And is teaching Sunday School really a position of authority, or is it rather a gift of facilitating an exchange of understanding? (I believe in the latter of the two.)
Here is yet another case of a local fellowship contorting the contextual message in one verse of Scripture, changing the original intent of the meaning, and selling it as doctrine! And I love how the church board handled the matter. They didn't even have the guts to talk to Ms. Lambert in person, as they should have, IF they adhered to Biblical guidelines. Oh, yeah, and on the article on ABC News tonight, the letter to Mary didn't even bear the signatures of the board members, even though the body of the letter began, "We the board and pastoral staff of First Baptist..." It also bore just one signature at the salutation: that of Mr. LaBouf.
Poor Ms. Lambert taught for 54 years because she loved it, not because she was attempting to usurp man's authority, as the church hints at. A member for 60 years, Lambert is now considering leaving the church, so hurtful this turn of events was to her.

I believe Mr. LeBouf has some soul-searching to do, and some apologizing to do as well.

Fantasy politics

Today's story comes from the Scranton(PA) Times-Tribune regarding a little indiscretion committed by members of the Green Party, and potentially the Republican party, as hopefuls approach the hotly-contested US Senate Seat up for grabs in Pennsylvania's election this fall. The two prime candidates are Senator Rick Santorum, the #3 ranking GOP member, and state Treasurer Bob Casey Jr., son of the former state governor.

Dems sue to drop Senate hopeful
BY MICHAEL RACE, HARRISBURG BUREAU CHIEF
08/09/2006

HARRISBURG — U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum’s efforts to fend off an election challenge by state Treasurer Bob Casey could be influenced by a legal skirmish involving another Northeastern Pennsylvania politico.
Mickey Mouse, Robert Redford and Jesus Christ might play a role, too.
State Democrats filed a lawsuit Tuesday to have Green Party candidate Carl Romanelli, of Wilkes-Barre, tossed off the U.S. Senate ballot for allegedly having tens of thousands of invalid signatures on his nomination petitions. The questionable signatures include the three names mentioned above, along with others such as Terry Schiavo, Woody Allen, Mona Lisa, Steve Martin and Lee H. Oswald.
The Democrats blame the alleged petition fraud on Santorum supporters, whom they say helped Mr. Romanelli land a ballot spot.“There is no doubt that Rick Santorum and the Republican Party did their best to take votes away from Casey through this silly charade,” said Democratic Party Chairman T.J. Rooney, who had called Mr. Romanelli a “puppet” of the GOP.
Some Democrats fear Mr. Romanelli’s support of abortion rights could draw votes away from Mr. Casey, who shares Mr. Santorum’s opposition to legalized abortion.
Mr. Romanelli acknowledges his Senate bid has been aided by Republicans who have given money to the Greens and helped gather signatures to get him on the ballot. Still, he said, the Democratic Party is acting like a “bully” in its efforts to limit voters’ choices.
“I haven’t backed down from a bully before, and I’m not going to start now,” Mr. Romanelli said Tuesday. “We’re prepared to defend against anything that the Democrats might throw at us.”
The Green Party submitted about 94,500 signatures to the state to have Mr. Romanelli placed on the ballot, well above the legally required minimum of 67,070 signatures. Democrats allege up to 69,672 of those signatures are invalid for a variety of reasons, ranging from fraud to improperly completed paperwork. If they can convince the court to strike about 27,500 of those signatures, Mr. Romanelli would be off the ballot.
“Phony names, fake signatures and a tremendous amount of illegal and deceptive practices were uncovered during our thorough and aggressive analysis (of the Green petitions),” Mr. Rooney said.
Santorum campaign spokesman Vince Galko likened the legal challenge to the Democratic Party’s efforts to silence Mr. Casey’s father, former Gov. Robert Casey, because of his opposition to abortion. “Isn’t it ironic that ... Casey Jr. is trying to silence a candidate who, too, has an interest in expressing opposing views?” Mr. Galko said in a statement.
If the effort to oust Mr. Romanelli from the race is successful, it also would claim the candidacies of Green Party gubernatorial candidate Marakay Rogers and her running mate, Christina Valente. That’s because the Greens relied on the same set of signatures to put all three candidates on the ballot.
“If one of us doesn’t make it, none of us does,” Ms. Rogers said last week.
Unlike Mr. Romanelli, Ms. Rogers’ potential impact on the gubernatorial race is harder to gauge. Her presence could pull some liberal voters away from Democratic incumbent Gov. Ed Rendell, but it also could pull anti-incumbent voters away from Republican challenger Lynn Swann.

Bogus voters? State Democrats allege petitions of Green Party candidate Carl Romanelli contain scores of bogus voter signatures. Among those in question:
Mickey Mouse
George Bush
Gerald Ford
John Kerry
Woody Allen
Robert Redford
Steve Martin
Lee H. Oswald
Terry Schiavo
Jesus Christ
Mona Lisa

Wow. Quite a list of supporters there, Mr. Romanelli! Kind of like playing fantasy football, only at the state capital, eh?

Not to mention the fact that Romanelli looks like Christopher Lloyd in "Back to the Future." "It's your petition, Marty! We've got to do something about your petition!!!"

2nd today: deprived and DUMB

Right in the middle of my typing the last entry, my wife, who was watching TV, started laughing hysterically. She viewed an ad for the amazing "Sleep Number" bed, featuring Lindsey Wagner. ...And I quote:
"I laid awake, tossing and turning all night. I didn't realize I wasn't getting a good night's sleep until I tried the new Sleep Number bed..."
So that's what it took for you to realize your lack of sleep??? It appears that while you may have been the Bionic Woman, your brain has been recalled.

After the completion of the commercial, my wife celebrated, "Yes!!! I found stupidity! ...And it isn't pretty!"

Cleanliness IS Godliness!

In the "Anything for a buck/Marketing of Jesus" category... Evidently, some people will go to great lengths to sell their wacked-out products or ideas. Here's a strange but true ad that came in the mail this week:

MIRACLE II SOAP:
God's Simple Solution for a Healthier Body!
MANY HAVE REPORTED IT'S GREAT FOR:
*Hair loss
*Dandruff
*Skin Cancer
*Psoriasis
*Rashes and much more!
(Also,) MIRACLE II NEUTRALIZER.
*Balances pH's
*Increases Energy
*Relieves Constipation, Sinusitis, Asthma, etc.
SPECIAL: $12.00 each! +shipping.
Miracleway Products

God's simple solution, huh? Excuse me, Mr. P.T. Barnum! Biblical scholar here. Still have yet to find out when God bottled this amazing product. Upon completion of a bit of research, the word "soap" is only mentioned twice in the entire Bible. Reading it in the original language, well, imagine that! Soap is really alkali, a vegetable! Turns out your corner of the market is accessible to everyone!

Further proof that the new, improved squeaky-clean Jesus is an environmentalist!

2nd today: Sperm happens

The media's pet, Brittney "Oops, I had a brain fart again" Spears, has offered some very not-so-profound insights into her pregnancy, motherhood and "getting her body back" in a recent People magazine interview. (In other words, Spears' comments will NOT be appearing on PSPTT!) Here's a few excerpts...
At eight months pregnant --she says she's due "in a month"-- the 24-year-old singer is about to become a mom for the second time "in one year. And no, this pregnancy wasn't planned. "It just kind of happened," says Spears, who insists she and husband Kevin Federline, 28, don't know the baby's gender. ( Ah, yes, the Sperminator strikes again!!! "Just kind of happened?" You mean, like the other countless kiddies Kevin's contributed to the world?) Either way, she says with a laugh, "I'm going to wait a while for the next [one]!" (Why's that, Kevin getting a vasectomy?)
With her upbeat outlook-- childbirth "will be a piece of cake," she says cheerfully of her scheduled C-section, the same as her first-- this is a more relaxed, less visibly stressed Brittney than the one who broke down in tears during a June interview with Matt Lauer. Of the media scrutiny following that appearance, she says, "They've said some hurtful things, but you just try to ignore it and keep moving on."
(That's right, keep moving on by ignoring parenting skills and continually placing your career ahead of your family, dragging around your tired tikes like a wooden duck on a pull-string!) Now in the home stretch, she is relying on support from her husband (Pshaw! Good luck with that!)("He's awesome. He rubs my feet. I'm like, 'Rub my damn feet, they hurt!'")

I'm sorry, I know I should be slow to criticize, but obviously-- why oh why oh WHY do these Hollywood types think that raising children is a game?

Ding-a-lings

The ladies in the office of the beverage distributor I work at aren't always the most swift of intellect. Take 2 different calls my partner in crime, Pat (also a driver as I am) got over the past week...
"Corrine" direct-connected Pat today to let him in on a little secret that wasn't so secret. "Just a reminder, Pat," she chimed. "The order you have for Pat's Pizza can't be delivered until later; they don't open until 10:00."
Missing part of this picture: that tidbit is listed right on the order advice-- which is printed up by the ladies in the office, mind you-- above the order detail, so Pat already knew that!
Stranger yet was late last week: Pat gets beeped. It's.... (shudder) the office!
"Pat, you have an order for 'Business X' today, right?"
Warily, Pat responded, "Yeahhhhh..."
"Well, that needs to be delivered today, so make sure you make that stop, OK?"
BTW, Pat has a 99+% delivery success rate.

Brilliant!!! Hey, isn't that our job, to deliver the product to the customer???

Hell or high water, it's all the $ame

Today's story comes courtesy the Binghamton (NY) Press and Sun-Bulletin, written by staff writer Liz Hacken regarding a wee bit of price gouging that took place during the devastating flood which hit the NY/PA areas in late June.
JOHNSON CITY -- A village hotel must refund more than $500 to guests that it overcharged at the peak of late June's flooding, as well as pay a $7,500 civil penalty, following an investigation by state Attorney General Eliot Spitzer.
The settlement announced Tuesday calls for the Best Western of Johnson City, on Harry L Drive, to repay $510.20 to seven customers who were overcharged for their stays around June 27.
Spitzer's office said the hotel raised its room rates by at least 87 percent for some guests.
The hotel customarily charges $79.95 for any room and often charged less, Spitzer said in a press release.
On June 27, the hotel hiked its rates to $150 per room, well above the maximum room rates of $99.85 for a double and $110.95 for a king room, he said.
"State law requires that increased prices in a time of market disruption be linked directly to increased costs. Anything other than that is price gouging," Spitzer said.
The investigation began June 29 after Spitzer's office had complaints from two customers that they were overcharged.
In a statement Tuesday, the hotel's management said at the end of the evening on June 27 it charged its top rate on about six rooms out of more than 100 rooms at the hotel, which had recently been renovated. The management decided to charge that rate to offset the tens of thousands of dollars it had donated during the flooding, including allowing late cancellations at no charge and selling rooms to the American Red Cross and county social services department at one-half of the normal rate.

Sure. That's swell. Out of the goodness of your heart, you robbed Peter to give to Paul. Can you say, "Indian giver?"

Computer Error??? How could that BE!???

At many locales where I deliver beverages on a daily basis, store receivers "scan" in the product into their inventory by using a hand-held computer, often called an RF gun. All the person checking in the order needs to do is point the gun at the UPC code on the bottle or package, and it automatically reads the product type, how many cases are coming in, price, and so on...
...Theoretically.
It's also known by most logical creatures that every so often, be it rarely, computers do goof up. Today was such an occasion. As I was getting checked in at a local grocery store, I was verifying 32 cases going into the store. Upon completion of the scans, the receiver had 33 cases, but $25 less than the amount listed on my invoice. We re-scanned everything, only to show the same result. Finally, at my suggestion, the receiver printed out a hard copy of what was scanned in. As we painstakingly went down the list one-by-one, a UPC code came up that was NOT on the pallet of merchandise. I looked at the order detail, and it read 2 cases of 8oz. 7-Up bottles. (Something, to my knowledge, not even made!)
I said, "Ahh, there's our problem. It scanned in 2 cases of non-existent product. The list should include 1 case of Diet 7-Up 2-liters instead." The befuddled gal couldn't believe that Big Blue had made an unfortunate miscalculation, and with a look of near-agony, spurted, "Well, that CAN'T be! The gun read it! It HAS to be there!"

Ooooooooo-K!

You have been assimilated. Resistance is futile.