A VE-E-E-E-ERY slow decline

Today I was reading the Binghamton (NY) Press & Sun-Bulletin. The lead story was the broad-daylight shooting murder of a man in a West-side neighborhood, apparently in a drug deal gone bad. (If you're wondering, localmusician, it's Clinton Street. That says it all!)
This neighborhood went to pot decades ago. At an early age, (I'm almost 40, BTW) I knew this was a street I never wanted to take a stroll down. Anyhoo, the story develops as several folks hear 3 gunshots, and look out their storefronts to see a man bleeding in the middle of the road. Many rush out to try to help the dying man. One of them, Patricia Gaven, lamented, "This has been a nice neighborhood. We knew right away they were gunshots. ...I think it's the beginning of the end [of the demise of that community.]"

The beginning of the end? How long has this region been a social dump?? And if this is such a nice place to live and work, how were you so decidedly able to determine the sound you heard were gunshots??? Gee, when will the end finally come, in the year 2525???

For those without a clue

I couldn't believe my eyes. As I perused other blogs tonight, I came across a strange but true photo of a road sign.

"WARNING: WATER ON ROAD DURING RAIN."

Ya don't say!!!
(If you'd like to see the photo for yourself, go to http://valedon.blogspot.com and check the post dated June 25.)

Just plain mathetic

A few years ago, when my friend Pat and I were still slaving away at the telecommunications company, we shared acquaintances with a gal named Shawna. (She's famous for uttering her comment which can be found in the August 2005 archives, "Stop at the Exxon...") During a break one day, Pat was contemplating his future in a conversation with another co-worker, Mike, and wondered about going back to school, specializing in mathematics.
"You don't want to do that," Shawna piped up, even though she hadn't been invited into the conversation. "Go for computers. Math is gonna be obsolete in 10 years from now anyway."

...And how to you think a computer is able to compute everything that it does, Shawna?

Double Standards 101

(Editor's note: as a formerly ordained preacher, I am dealing with an issue within the Christian church. Some of my viewpoints are supported by the Bible, of which I will quote. To "non-believers," please bear with me and understand I am not "preaching;" rather, I am proving a point at how ridiculous this story is.)
Oh, how I lament (seriously) over the ridiculous state of affairs in the Church in America today. Here's just another example of how asinine things have become, courtesy ABC News and Yahoo! News, via the Associated Press: Church fires teacher for being woman
(Mon Aug 21, 8:40 AM ET)
WATERTOWN, N.Y. - The minister of a church that dismissed a female Sunday School teacher after adopting what it called a literal interpretation of the Bible says a woman can perform any job — outside of the church.
The First Baptist Church dismissed Mary Lambert on Aug. 9 with a letter explaining that the church had adopted an interpretation that prohibits women from teaching men. She had taught there for 54 years.
The letter quoted the first epistle to Timothy: "I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent."
The Rev. Timothy LaBouf, who also serves on the Watertown City Council, issued a statement saying his stance against women teaching men in Sunday school would not affect his decisions as a city leader in Watertown, where all five members of the council are men but the city manager who runs the city's day-to-day operations is a woman.
"I believe that a woman can perform any job and fulfill any responsibility that she desires to" outside of the church, LaBouf wrote Saturday.
Mayor Jeffrey Graham, however, was bothered by the reasons given Lambert's dismissal.
"If what's said in that letter reflects the councilman's views, those are disturbing remarks in this day and age," Graham said. "Maybe they wouldn't have been disturbing 500 years ago, but they are now."
Lambert has publicly criticized the decision, but the church did not publicly address the matter until Saturday, a day after its board met.
Ok, so if you TRULY believe the Bible as absolute authority, what is the difference between women in positions of "leadership" within and without the church?
Is 1 Timothy 2:12 addressing a cultural issue, or making a new command? (A new "law" would contradict an older Scripture that was sent out by the Council at Jerusalem in Acts 15:28-29-- "It seemed good to the Holy Spirit and to us not to burden you with anything beyond the following requirements: You are to abstain from food sacrificed to idols, from blood, from the meat of strangled animals and from sexual immorality.") Moreso, is this "command" a timeless verdict from God, or is it Timothy's own personal viewpoint? Note the verse reads, "I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man..."
Further, was Mary Lambert teaching Sunday School to MEN or CHILDREN? And is teaching Sunday School really a position of authority, or is it rather a gift of facilitating an exchange of understanding? (I believe in the latter of the two.)
Here is yet another case of a local fellowship contorting the contextual message in one verse of Scripture, changing the original intent of the meaning, and selling it as doctrine! And I love how the church board handled the matter. They didn't even have the guts to talk to Ms. Lambert in person, as they should have, IF they adhered to Biblical guidelines. Oh, yeah, and on the article on ABC News tonight, the letter to Mary didn't even bear the signatures of the board members, even though the body of the letter began, "We the board and pastoral staff of First Baptist..." It also bore just one signature at the salutation: that of Mr. LaBouf.
Poor Ms. Lambert taught for 54 years because she loved it, not because she was attempting to usurp man's authority, as the church hints at. A member for 60 years, Lambert is now considering leaving the church, so hurtful this turn of events was to her.

I believe Mr. LeBouf has some soul-searching to do, and some apologizing to do as well.

Fantasy politics

Today's story comes from the Scranton(PA) Times-Tribune regarding a little indiscretion committed by members of the Green Party, and potentially the Republican party, as hopefuls approach the hotly-contested US Senate Seat up for grabs in Pennsylvania's election this fall. The two prime candidates are Senator Rick Santorum, the #3 ranking GOP member, and state Treasurer Bob Casey Jr., son of the former state governor.

Dems sue to drop Senate hopeful
BY MICHAEL RACE, HARRISBURG BUREAU CHIEF
08/09/2006

HARRISBURG — U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum’s efforts to fend off an election challenge by state Treasurer Bob Casey could be influenced by a legal skirmish involving another Northeastern Pennsylvania politico.
Mickey Mouse, Robert Redford and Jesus Christ might play a role, too.
State Democrats filed a lawsuit Tuesday to have Green Party candidate Carl Romanelli, of Wilkes-Barre, tossed off the U.S. Senate ballot for allegedly having tens of thousands of invalid signatures on his nomination petitions. The questionable signatures include the three names mentioned above, along with others such as Terry Schiavo, Woody Allen, Mona Lisa, Steve Martin and Lee H. Oswald.
The Democrats blame the alleged petition fraud on Santorum supporters, whom they say helped Mr. Romanelli land a ballot spot.“There is no doubt that Rick Santorum and the Republican Party did their best to take votes away from Casey through this silly charade,” said Democratic Party Chairman T.J. Rooney, who had called Mr. Romanelli a “puppet” of the GOP.
Some Democrats fear Mr. Romanelli’s support of abortion rights could draw votes away from Mr. Casey, who shares Mr. Santorum’s opposition to legalized abortion.
Mr. Romanelli acknowledges his Senate bid has been aided by Republicans who have given money to the Greens and helped gather signatures to get him on the ballot. Still, he said, the Democratic Party is acting like a “bully” in its efforts to limit voters’ choices.
“I haven’t backed down from a bully before, and I’m not going to start now,” Mr. Romanelli said Tuesday. “We’re prepared to defend against anything that the Democrats might throw at us.”
The Green Party submitted about 94,500 signatures to the state to have Mr. Romanelli placed on the ballot, well above the legally required minimum of 67,070 signatures. Democrats allege up to 69,672 of those signatures are invalid for a variety of reasons, ranging from fraud to improperly completed paperwork. If they can convince the court to strike about 27,500 of those signatures, Mr. Romanelli would be off the ballot.
“Phony names, fake signatures and a tremendous amount of illegal and deceptive practices were uncovered during our thorough and aggressive analysis (of the Green petitions),” Mr. Rooney said.
Santorum campaign spokesman Vince Galko likened the legal challenge to the Democratic Party’s efforts to silence Mr. Casey’s father, former Gov. Robert Casey, because of his opposition to abortion. “Isn’t it ironic that ... Casey Jr. is trying to silence a candidate who, too, has an interest in expressing opposing views?” Mr. Galko said in a statement.
If the effort to oust Mr. Romanelli from the race is successful, it also would claim the candidacies of Green Party gubernatorial candidate Marakay Rogers and her running mate, Christina Valente. That’s because the Greens relied on the same set of signatures to put all three candidates on the ballot.
“If one of us doesn’t make it, none of us does,” Ms. Rogers said last week.
Unlike Mr. Romanelli, Ms. Rogers’ potential impact on the gubernatorial race is harder to gauge. Her presence could pull some liberal voters away from Democratic incumbent Gov. Ed Rendell, but it also could pull anti-incumbent voters away from Republican challenger Lynn Swann.

Bogus voters? State Democrats allege petitions of Green Party candidate Carl Romanelli contain scores of bogus voter signatures. Among those in question:
Mickey Mouse
George Bush
Gerald Ford
John Kerry
Woody Allen
Robert Redford
Steve Martin
Lee H. Oswald
Terry Schiavo
Jesus Christ
Mona Lisa

Wow. Quite a list of supporters there, Mr. Romanelli! Kind of like playing fantasy football, only at the state capital, eh?

Not to mention the fact that Romanelli looks like Christopher Lloyd in "Back to the Future." "It's your petition, Marty! We've got to do something about your petition!!!"

2nd today: deprived and DUMB

Right in the middle of my typing the last entry, my wife, who was watching TV, started laughing hysterically. She viewed an ad for the amazing "Sleep Number" bed, featuring Lindsey Wagner. ...And I quote:
"I laid awake, tossing and turning all night. I didn't realize I wasn't getting a good night's sleep until I tried the new Sleep Number bed..."
So that's what it took for you to realize your lack of sleep??? It appears that while you may have been the Bionic Woman, your brain has been recalled.

After the completion of the commercial, my wife celebrated, "Yes!!! I found stupidity! ...And it isn't pretty!"

Cleanliness IS Godliness!

In the "Anything for a buck/Marketing of Jesus" category... Evidently, some people will go to great lengths to sell their wacked-out products or ideas. Here's a strange but true ad that came in the mail this week:

MIRACLE II SOAP:
God's Simple Solution for a Healthier Body!
MANY HAVE REPORTED IT'S GREAT FOR:
*Hair loss
*Dandruff
*Skin Cancer
*Psoriasis
*Rashes and much more!
(Also,) MIRACLE II NEUTRALIZER.
*Balances pH's
*Increases Energy
*Relieves Constipation, Sinusitis, Asthma, etc.
SPECIAL: $12.00 each! +shipping.
Miracleway Products

God's simple solution, huh? Excuse me, Mr. P.T. Barnum! Biblical scholar here. Still have yet to find out when God bottled this amazing product. Upon completion of a bit of research, the word "soap" is only mentioned twice in the entire Bible. Reading it in the original language, well, imagine that! Soap is really alkali, a vegetable! Turns out your corner of the market is accessible to everyone!

Further proof that the new, improved squeaky-clean Jesus is an environmentalist!

2nd today: Sperm happens

The media's pet, Brittney "Oops, I had a brain fart again" Spears, has offered some very not-so-profound insights into her pregnancy, motherhood and "getting her body back" in a recent People magazine interview. (In other words, Spears' comments will NOT be appearing on PSPTT!) Here's a few excerpts...
At eight months pregnant --she says she's due "in a month"-- the 24-year-old singer is about to become a mom for the second time "in one year. And no, this pregnancy wasn't planned. "It just kind of happened," says Spears, who insists she and husband Kevin Federline, 28, don't know the baby's gender. ( Ah, yes, the Sperminator strikes again!!! "Just kind of happened?" You mean, like the other countless kiddies Kevin's contributed to the world?) Either way, she says with a laugh, "I'm going to wait a while for the next [one]!" (Why's that, Kevin getting a vasectomy?)
With her upbeat outlook-- childbirth "will be a piece of cake," she says cheerfully of her scheduled C-section, the same as her first-- this is a more relaxed, less visibly stressed Brittney than the one who broke down in tears during a June interview with Matt Lauer. Of the media scrutiny following that appearance, she says, "They've said some hurtful things, but you just try to ignore it and keep moving on."
(That's right, keep moving on by ignoring parenting skills and continually placing your career ahead of your family, dragging around your tired tikes like a wooden duck on a pull-string!) Now in the home stretch, she is relying on support from her husband (Pshaw! Good luck with that!)("He's awesome. He rubs my feet. I'm like, 'Rub my damn feet, they hurt!'")

I'm sorry, I know I should be slow to criticize, but obviously-- why oh why oh WHY do these Hollywood types think that raising children is a game?

Ding-a-lings

The ladies in the office of the beverage distributor I work at aren't always the most swift of intellect. Take 2 different calls my partner in crime, Pat (also a driver as I am) got over the past week...
"Corrine" direct-connected Pat today to let him in on a little secret that wasn't so secret. "Just a reminder, Pat," she chimed. "The order you have for Pat's Pizza can't be delivered until later; they don't open until 10:00."
Missing part of this picture: that tidbit is listed right on the order advice-- which is printed up by the ladies in the office, mind you-- above the order detail, so Pat already knew that!
Stranger yet was late last week: Pat gets beeped. It's.... (shudder) the office!
"Pat, you have an order for 'Business X' today, right?"
Warily, Pat responded, "Yeahhhhh..."
"Well, that needs to be delivered today, so make sure you make that stop, OK?"
BTW, Pat has a 99+% delivery success rate.

Brilliant!!! Hey, isn't that our job, to deliver the product to the customer???

Hell or high water, it's all the $ame

Today's story comes courtesy the Binghamton (NY) Press and Sun-Bulletin, written by staff writer Liz Hacken regarding a wee bit of price gouging that took place during the devastating flood which hit the NY/PA areas in late June.
JOHNSON CITY -- A village hotel must refund more than $500 to guests that it overcharged at the peak of late June's flooding, as well as pay a $7,500 civil penalty, following an investigation by state Attorney General Eliot Spitzer.
The settlement announced Tuesday calls for the Best Western of Johnson City, on Harry L Drive, to repay $510.20 to seven customers who were overcharged for their stays around June 27.
Spitzer's office said the hotel raised its room rates by at least 87 percent for some guests.
The hotel customarily charges $79.95 for any room and often charged less, Spitzer said in a press release.
On June 27, the hotel hiked its rates to $150 per room, well above the maximum room rates of $99.85 for a double and $110.95 for a king room, he said.
"State law requires that increased prices in a time of market disruption be linked directly to increased costs. Anything other than that is price gouging," Spitzer said.
The investigation began June 29 after Spitzer's office had complaints from two customers that they were overcharged.
In a statement Tuesday, the hotel's management said at the end of the evening on June 27 it charged its top rate on about six rooms out of more than 100 rooms at the hotel, which had recently been renovated. The management decided to charge that rate to offset the tens of thousands of dollars it had donated during the flooding, including allowing late cancellations at no charge and selling rooms to the American Red Cross and county social services department at one-half of the normal rate.

Sure. That's swell. Out of the goodness of your heart, you robbed Peter to give to Paul. Can you say, "Indian giver?"

Computer Error??? How could that BE!???

At many locales where I deliver beverages on a daily basis, store receivers "scan" in the product into their inventory by using a hand-held computer, often called an RF gun. All the person checking in the order needs to do is point the gun at the UPC code on the bottle or package, and it automatically reads the product type, how many cases are coming in, price, and so on...
...Theoretically.
It's also known by most logical creatures that every so often, be it rarely, computers do goof up. Today was such an occasion. As I was getting checked in at a local grocery store, I was verifying 32 cases going into the store. Upon completion of the scans, the receiver had 33 cases, but $25 less than the amount listed on my invoice. We re-scanned everything, only to show the same result. Finally, at my suggestion, the receiver printed out a hard copy of what was scanned in. As we painstakingly went down the list one-by-one, a UPC code came up that was NOT on the pallet of merchandise. I looked at the order detail, and it read 2 cases of 8oz. 7-Up bottles. (Something, to my knowledge, not even made!)
I said, "Ahh, there's our problem. It scanned in 2 cases of non-existent product. The list should include 1 case of Diet 7-Up 2-liters instead." The befuddled gal couldn't believe that Big Blue had made an unfortunate miscalculation, and with a look of near-agony, spurted, "Well, that CAN'T be! The gun read it! It HAS to be there!"

Ooooooooo-K!

You have been assimilated. Resistance is futile.

Cloud of Idiot Gasoline (apologies to sierra)

In my travels today, I found a gas station which was selling Regular unleaded at $2.80 per gallon. (These days, that's a bargain!) Being that economic experts have been all over the news warning of a probable increase to $3.50/gal a month from now, I decided to top off my tank. Expectedly, I had to wait in quite a line, which was fine with me. Finally, I was next in line.
A woman got out of a Hyundai Sonota in front of me to pump the gas. I assume she usually went to full service stations, because she had little clue as to what she was doing. Problem #1: She lifted the handle and pushed the "start" button, but nothing happened. I guess the HUGE white sign on the pump which read, "Cash customers, please pre-pay" was invisible. Finally, she figured out the problem, walked in to pay, then back out to pump. She put the nozzle in the tank, and clicked on the auto shut-off lever. (Problem #2, as she proceeded to stare into the sky while the car got filled.)
...It took forever! I couldn't figure out why, until I spotted gas pouring down the side of her car. I honked and motioned, to which she curiously glanced at me, but ignored me. I rolled down my window and called, "Your tank's overflowing!" Startled, she ogled at the fluid gushing from her tank, and shut the pump off. Then she had to angrily stomp back into the station and gripe to the cashier. After about 2 minutes-- this whole episode took about 15 minutes to play out-- she stormed back out and sped off, leaving the poor gas dude to dump litter over about 2 gallons worth of wasted gasoline. He told me, "That woman just bit my head off, telling me it's my fault she spilled gas! What's with that???"

The moron-- I mean, moral-- of the story is, Take accountability for your words and actions, and PAY ATTENTION to what you're doing!!!

2nd today: "You Say It's My Birthday!"

PSST is one year old today, with a bright, long future! Thanks go out to the thousands (I can say that now) of readers. To celebrate this momentous occasion, I tell the tale of an actual business sign my friend Pat saw near Honesdale, PA... (An alternate title for this post could be "How to get PETA's attention.")
A local man touts his skills with animals, noting he is both a veterinarian and a taxidermist. This is bad enough, but what's worse is his slogan... "Either way, you'll get your pet back!"

Thank God he didn't choose, "'Snookums' snipped or stuffed while you wait!"

Confusionism cookie

This little treat was in a fortune cookie I opened today: "Delay is the antidote for anger."

...Right. Tell that to the guy stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic 3 hours per day on the LA freeway.

More contradictory cigarette ads

Another couple of posters touting wonderful sticks made of paper and leaves caught my eye today...
"KOOL. Bold. Smooth. Fresh."

Excuse me, have you ever been trapped in a car with a smoker puffing away on your blessed creation with a few dozen stale butts smoldering in the ash tray, Mr. Marketing Mastermind? ...Oh, yeah, I forgot: you probably dwell within a perpetual cloud of blue haze. (Makes me think of Charles Nelson Reilly from "Match Game!") I don't think "Fresh" is the appropriate adjective here, Cowboy!

Then there was the other one I noticed:
WINSTON: Additive Free.

Well, thank the Lord for that, because heaven knows, I don't want to be putting any crap in my body!

Yes, there really is a world outside of your store!!!

Another day of work, another story of bizarre proportions. (Interjection: I really do like my job! It's just the people I often can't stand.)
Sometimes, when delivering beverages to large grocery stores, it's necessary to credit the customer for outdated or damaged products before bringing in the new order. Today was such a scenario. Normally, the salesman who places the order on behalf of the customer will arrange for credit, and then when the delivery driver (aka me) shows up, I have a credit slip, and I know exactly what's going out. Unfortunately, communication between the salesman and driver rarely take place. For some reason, the store receiver presumed I could read minds, and started yelling at me when I told him I needed to call the office to call for prices so the account could be properly credited. What was odd in this case was that the outgoing merchandise was neither old or damaged; it was just extra stock from a big sale the store had had the week before.
"This stuff needs to be taken out of here the second a sale is over!" the receiver ranted.
Assumption error #1: What, do you think everybody in my company spends all their spare time leafing through your adverts and fliers? Ah, true, we don't really have anything better to do.
Assumption error#2: Am I the salesman? Last time I checked, the answer was NO!
Assumption error #3: Apparently, you think I can just go to work and commandeer a truck just so I can drive down to pick up your overstock anytime a sale ends. Yeah, my job's truly that easy. Three strikes, you're out!

Methinks a fishing trip in the wilderness is long overdue for this guy.

Ad done in poor taste

Everywhere I go, I'm seeing posters in stores advertising a new cigarette by Camel, and it just makes me shake my head...

"New Camel Wides Menthol. Big! Fat! Delicious!"

Now, I don't even know any smokers who would say that their cig is "delicious." When was the last time you saw someone licking out an ash tray who says, "Mmmm! Yummy!"?

Tobacco- the new hors d'ouvres!

Polite arrogance

I was in Wal-mart today, ("localmusician's" favorite place in the whole wide world!) doing the weekly grocery shopping. The store was packed, and a lot of people were completely mentally fatigued from the 90-degree-plus heat wave we experienced this last week. I had my middle (6-year-old) child in the cart I was pushing, and progressed slowly, navigating through the excessive human traffic in the monstrous store. Suddenly, a woman with a cart and a severe case of tunnel-vision came barreling through from a cross-aisle, almost ramming into me, had I not yanked my cart to a grinding halt. The woman continued her head-long pursuit for a check-out aisle. Being that she had put my son in physical jeopardy, I shot a firm "You're excused!" to the woman.
Without stopping her forward motion, she looked directly at me and snapped a sarcastic "Thank you!" back to me.

"Thank you?" Ah, yes, as in, "Thank you for excusing my having my head jammed up my back end."

2nd today: It's a miracle!

Apparently, before I started working at my current job as a delivery driver, there was another employee there named Jayson. From what I've been told, Jayson's work ethic was none too high, and he often created excuses to call off sick. His best one was, "I can't come in to work today. My liver's shut down."

You mean, you're dead???

Funnier yet was the fact that he showed up for work the next day. Shortly thereafter, he never showed up again...

How to end a mensa meeting

My good friend and co-worker Pat gave me permission to use this... Pat was finishing up a delivery to a customer, and, as all of us drivers do, he completed the stop with a customary "goodbye." Only thing is, evidently, he either had a Freudian slip, or he started to speak, and with words already out there, he decided to change what he was saying.
"Have a good idea!" he closed.
The store owner looked up with raised eyebrows. "...Day???" he asked. Translation: "What, are you calling me an idiot?"

Hope you all enjoyed reading this. Take... ...luck!
(Don't get it? Check out www.brianregan.com.

If a picture's worth 1000 words...

Today, my travels took me to the small hamlet of Susquehanna, PA. (Pop. 900) I pulled into the parking lot of a small convenient store, where a LARGE man-- we're literally talking 700-800 pounds easily here-- was sitting at his usual perch on a park bench at the side of the lot. He waves to everyone, talks to nobody in particular, and evidently is not self-conscious. As I caught the big vision in the corner of my eye, I noticed that, he being very broad in girth, much hangs down in front. No sooner had I absorbed that visual definition then I observed that this man had a huge tear/ hole in his shorts near his... lower regions... And NO underwear!

Today's picture says, "EWW!"

Memories of PerpetualChocohlic's post/picture last week comes to mind...

2nd today: To prove a point

Upon completing my deliveries today, I returned to the warehouse, and prepared to pull into the building to check in, but lo and behold, I couldn't, because "Jake," my co-worker who doesn't, had parked his truck right in front of the garage door and disappeared. (BTW, it should be said that Jake is a self-proclaimed expert in everything, including mechanics.) With much frustration, I put my truck in "park" and jumped out of the cab, looking for him. Upon entering the building, I spotted him having a casual chat with another driver down at the other end. I yelled at him to move his wheels out of the way, and with a reluctant swagger, Jake waltzed my way.
I hopped back into my truck at about the same time Jake got in his, and then I heard, "Whir-click. Whir-click. Whir-click." Several failed attempts to start his truck later, I yelled out my cab, "Let the choke out, you idiot!!!" Like magic, the truck suddenly roared to a start, and he backed it into the parking lot, while I went into the warehouse to complete my day.
Jake entered moments later. "Hey fella, you should know the starter's bad on that truck before you call someone an idiot," he complained.
In no mood after working all day in 100 degree heat, I said, "Man, that truck's run rough for a month and a half. I never had a problem starting it. Just let out the choke and pump the gas twice before turning it over."
Jake didn't want to hear it. "The starter's bad," he shot back.
"Really?" I retorted. "Why don't you follow me and I'll show you how to start it!"
His pride wounded, Jake just muttered under his breath and walked away. He then went straight up to "Mark" and said, "When are they gonna fix that truck? The starter's been going on it for some time now!"
To my delight, Mark promptly went to the truck climbed in, and on the first try...
VROOOOOMMMM!

It was the best laugh I had all day.

Stupid does as stupid says

One moment of stupidity deserves another...
Today, during my deliveries, I needed to fill a vending machine. As usual, I took my key ring, (which has keys to both the truck and the machine,) opened the machine, set the keys on the inside ledge, and filled up the machine. The proprietor of the business where the machine sat struck up a conversation with me, and when I had finished placing bottles in, I closed the door, turned the handle, and locked it.
...And the second I did, I muttered, "Oh, CRAP!" Yep, locked the keys in the machine.

Stupid does.

The owner of the shop, immediately after I had groaned my regret, asked, "What, did you just lock the keys in the machine?"
"Yep," I answered in a feeble tone, partly because I was kicking myself, and partly because I knew what the next thing out of this dude's mouth would be.
"Well, can't you get them out???"

Stupid says!
(BTW, I called the office, and one of the maintenance men came and liberated me from my prison of unwittiness.)

Wow. Somebody actually gets it!!!

I read the most incredible article today on AOL News, of all places. Please take the time to click on this link and read this story. It will either challenge your mind-set, verify it, or, in my case, both... Rev. Gregory Boyd, pastor of the (formerly) 5000-member Woodland Hills Baptist church in St. Paul, MN, preached a six-week sermon series caled "The Sword and the Cross," publically refuting popular Christian beliefs that the Church should endorse conservative Republican candidates and defend the Bush administration's stance on defending the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. As well, he speaks of the need for Chirstians to abstain from mixing faith with politics. As a result, 1000 members (20%) left the church and have not returned. I would like to congratulate Rev. Boyd and thank him for voicing what I've been thinking all along, though it cost him dearly-- both figuratively and literally. The church was in the midst of a $7 million fund-raising campaign when Boyd delivered the pulpit series, and only $4 million came in. Also, some in the Baptist Convention want to see Boyd defrocked for blasphemy. Some of his most poignant statements (copied directly from the article) are as follows:
“When the church wins the culture wars, it inevitably loses,” Mr. Boyd preached. “When it conquers the world, it becomes the world. When you put your trust in the sword, you lose the cross.”
...In his six sermons, Mr. Boyd laid out a broad argument that the role of Christians was not to seek “power over” others -- by controlling governments, passing legislation or fighting wars.
“...America wasn’t founded as a theocracy,” he said. “America was founded by people trying to escape theocracies. Never in history have we had a Christian theocracy where it wasn’t bloody and barbaric."
...He said Christians these days were constantly outraged about sex and perceived violations of their rights to display their faith in public. “Those are the two buttons to push if you want to get Christians to act,” he said. “And those are the two buttons Jesus never pushed.”
...Mr. Boyd now says of the upheaval: “I don’t regret any aspect of it at all. It was a defining moment for us. We let go of something we were never called to be. We just didn’t know the price we were going to pay for doing it.”
...One woman asked: “So why NOT us? If we contain the wisdom and grace and love and creativity of Jesus, why shouldn’t we be the ones involved in politics and setting laws?” Mr. Boyd responded: “I don’t think there’s a particular angle we have on society that others lack. All good, decent people want good and order and justice. Just don’t slap the label ‘Christian’ on it.”

OK, so where's the stupidity in all this, you may ask? Try this on for size:
Mary Van Sickle, the family pastor at Woodland Hills, said she lost 20 volunteers who had been the backbone of the church’s Sunday school. “They said, ‘You’re not doing what the church is supposed to be doing, which is supporting the Republican way,’ ” she said. “It was some of my best volunteers.” (Not what Van Sickle said; what the congregants said...)

So to close, kudos to Rev. Boyd for speaking his convictions, and best stupie wishes to the 1000 who left the church so they could hang on to their blind, narrow views without threat of being challenged.

Cash, a watch, guns, whatever. It's all good!

I guess some people aren't hard to please, and they don't believe in driving a hard bargain. A recent ad placed in our local classifieds proves that either this man was desperate to sell off his old car, or just eager to get a bunch of stuff!
'97 OLDSMOBILE 88, clean, runs exc., auto, AC. $2500, or will trade for guns, Rolex or riding tractor.
Now hold on just a minute, Cletus. Don't you think that maybe a couple of guns or a Rolex probably is worth a lot less than $2500? "Uh, yes officer, this is my John Deere! ...What do you mean, 'It's not street legal?' ...Well, yeah, that is a Remington rifle strapped on the back. ...But sir, I'm just taking my new wheels out on a hunting trip!"

"Redneck Motors. Make us an offer. Any offer."

The Plan: Too unrealistic, even in Utopia

So the Bush administration feels it's doing the world a favor by brokering a Plan (herein known as the Magna Crapa) to propose to the governments of Lebanon and Israel in the hopes of generating a cease-fire. The Magna Crapa calls for, among other things:
*Disarming Hezbollah.
*Creating and deploying an international UN peace-keeping force.
*Hezbollah releasing the 3 captive Israeli soldiers, which precipitated the hostilities.
*Israel permanently withdraws from a town along the Golan Heights that they have controlled since the 1967 War.
Several problems exist with this Plan, let alone it being completely unacceptable to either party. First, HELLO, Dubya! The war is NOT between Israel and Lebanon. The Lebanese government is not shooting missiles into Haifa!
Second, Um, if you want to broker a peace agreement, isn't a good idea to talk with both parties! Hezbollah is NOT the Lebanese government, and the Lebanese government is NOT Hezbollah. Capiche?
Third, yeah, like a terrorist organization, which is built upon a deep, lasting and vile hatred for "the Zionists" is going to disarm. Ri-i-i-i-ight...
Additionally, and most importantly, why are politicians wasting time writing things like the Magna Crapa, which have as much chance of success as a one-legged centipede winning a marathon? Meanwhile, dozens of innocent, and not-so-innocent, people are dying a brutal death, and the clean-shaven, unaffected kings of the Western world still wear their pin-striped suits with pride, claiming they're doing all they can for the betterment of humankind.

Do us all a favor, George. GET REAL.

2nd today: The man with the heart of cold. Ice cold.

Another sign that the world really has gone to hell in a hand-basket! Read this OUTRAGEOUS story: Mobile Home Park Residents Evicted.
How incredibly selfish and uncaring can you possibly be??? "The owner of the mobile home park said now that he's almost 70 years old he doesn't want to run the park so he gave his tenants 30 days to move out." Well now, aren't you just a regular hero? You seriously think that everybody can just up, find a new home, and move in 30 short days? You claim you want to "retire?" Fine. Do whatever. Just be freaking realistic!!!

Mr. Terrace Hill, congratulations. You've officially been nominated for the "Ignernt Foo'" STUPIE, to be awarded in just a few short months, which is an eternity longer than the time you gave to your tenants. You know, the folks who were counting on you-- WERE being the operative word here.

No, it's just you.

We've been mired in a heat wave the last 2 weeks here in PA, with high temperatures constantly hanging around 90. I've been waiting for the inevitable, and today, it finally happened!
While bringing sodas into a local store, a young lady entered, sweating, and muttered to nobody in particular, "Whew! Is it hot out there or is it just me?"

Gee, I don't know. Why don't you go down the street where the road crew has been out in the blistering sun all day, and ask them?

The Accidental Tourists

While preparing to make a soda delivery today at a convenient store just 500 feet off of Interstate 81, I was interrupted as I unloaded my truck by a middle-aged couple, waving frantically at me. They were strolling up to me from their SUV, which was packed to the hilt. "Excuse me," the gentleman quizzed, "Can you tell us the easiest way to get to Niagara Falls?"
I noticed his wife had a notebook and paper, so I responded, "Sure. First you want to go up I-81 to Binghamton--"
The man barged in, "OK, so 81 NORTH. That's up that way, isn't it?"
"Yes," I warily answered. "Once you get to Binghamton, follow Route 17 West. That'll take you past Elmira. Keep going until you reach I-390, and go up to Rochester. Exit at the sign for 90 West to Buffalo. Once you get to Buffalo, take I-290 North for about 10 miles, and then turn on to I-190 North. Once to cross the second big bridge, take the first exit, which is the Moses Parkway. After about 3 miles, you run right into the main parking lot." (I took the time to list the directions to prove how simple they are.)
Let the game of 20 questions begin!
She says, "What sights are there to see along the way?" He says, "What hotel should we stay at?" She asks, "So do we go through Syracuse?" He says, "So how much do tolls add up to?"
What, do I LOOK like AAA here???
After a ton of questions, I noticed she never wrote down the directions. She turns to him, "You know, I'll never remember these directions. I'm going inside to buy a map."
OK, I thought, no skin off of my nose; it's probably a good idea. I go back to unloading my truck, and she taps me on the shoulder (with map in hand) and says, "OK, now can you show me what roads we take?"
You mean to tell me, you pack up the car to take a trip, and you have NO CLUE how to get there, or where to stay, or what to do?

Yep. The accidental tourists. If they actually make it to their destination, it'll be an accident.

Holy greenbacks, Batman!

You know how you find a $1 bill every now and then that has something written on it, like www.wheresgeorge.com. OK, I can kind of make some sense out of that, or somebody (unwisely) scribbling their phone number or E-mail address on it, to see where their dollar goes... But some things just make me shake my head, wondering, "What was the guy who wrote this thinking?"
Yesterday, for example, as I collected money for my soda deliveries, I came across a bill that had marked on it, "Have a nice next trip, Jesus!"
What in the name of Alan Greenspan is with that??? My only 2 guesses were that the author was calling George Washington "Jesus," or he thinks Jesus needs money. ...No, that couldn't be right, because He once said, "Give to Caeser what belongs to Caeser..." Or maybe s/he was using currency to promote his/her apocalyptic viewpoints regarding the Second Coming...

Anybody else out there want to take a stab at this?

What, does nobody eat here???

Today, as I often do, I had to attempt to deliver sodas to a restaurant that my co-"worker" "Jake" failed to last week. (This is a regular occurrence. Jake either chooses to not make certain deliveries, or his brain short-fuses and he forgets to... Anyway...) The business was called "Tony's Family Restaurant." I arrived at 1:45, unloaded the cases off the truck, took notice of the hours of operation on the front door, which was 7 AM to 11 PM, and hauled in the order... And was greeted by, "What are you doing here?"
A bit dumbfounded, I responded, "Um, I have a delivery for you."
The owner said, "Why are you here today?"
"My other driver failed to make this stop last week, so I'm bringing it now," I explained.
The man shook his head emphatically. "You'll have to come back Wednesday. I have no money now!"

What??? You've been open for 6 1/2 hours, and you have nothing to show for it??? ...Come to think of it, there isn't anyone else here in this joint...

"Tony's Family Restaurant: Now serving meals 1 day per week (Wednesday.)"

A rupture in the space-time continuum?

I'm due to get a recertification for my PA Department of Transportation medical card. All commercial drivers must hold a valid DOT med card. To meet this need, I need to go to an outpatient facility for a full physical exam. My boss set up an appointment for me for 9:45 this morning. Now, I was on the road, making deliveries, so the plan was to make some stops, go to the appointment, and then complete my route. I called the medical office at 8:30 to confirm my appointment. The receptionist was puzzled. "Ohh... We have you penciled in for 8:35. Can you make it?"
"No, I'm 30 miles away," I protested.
"Umm, I see. ...Well, can you be here in 15 minutes?" Miss No-help quizzed.
I couldn't believe my ears. "No! I'm thirty miles away from you. How am I supposed to make it in 15 minutes?"
Now her tone changed. She tattled, "Well, we're going to have to change your appointment to tomorrow then."
"Wait a minute," I interrupted. "How did my appointment get changed from 9:45 to 8:35?"
"OH, I DUNNO!" she drawled.

You bet you dunno! You also don't understand the laws of physics. I'd either have to "beam" over to the office, or drive at least 120 MPH to get there! What do you think I'm driving, the space shuttle???

Who's the boss, part 2

I made a delivery to the same store I mentioned in my May 31 posting. The day had been tremendously hectic, and I took note of the invoice for this store that receiving hours were 9-11 AM or 1-3:30 PM. Since it was 3:05, and I still had 2 stops to go, I went out of my way to come here. As I started unloading the truck, the owner (of foreign heritage), who has well-established that he enjoys being a jerk, met me and said, "Why you here so late? I cannot take delivery now. Too late."
I had had a very hard day, and was in no mood to put up with shenanigans. "Excuse me???" I demanded. "What do you mean, 'too late?' It's 3:10!"
"Yes," he smirked, "We stop receiving at 2:00."
I wanted to kick his Eastern teeth in. "Look, it says here on the invoice, '9-11 or 1-3:30.' This is what I go by. If you're going to change the hours, you'll need to call the business office. I cover a lot of territory, and I'm not gonna bend over backwards for any one particular store."
The Jerk asked, "Where is that time on the invoice?" I pointed right to it, and said, "Right here." Suddenly, selective blindness struck the owner. "Where? Where? I don't see!"

Do you not see my finger pointing to the little numbers? ...Apparently not!

Hey, buddy, someone's on the phone for you. It's the Cranial Rectosis Hall of Fame! You're in!!!

Many words in edgewise

There's only one thing more annoying than a person having a loud conversation on the cell phone in a public place, and that's someone else who makes themselves part of the call.
As we work through the day, Pat and I often "Direct Connect" each other and gab, to help pass the time. (BTW, for those not in the know, direct connect is the walkie-talkie feature that comes on a lot of phones.) Last week, Pat contacted me as I was walking into a mom-and-pop grocery store. "Whassup?" I replied.
"Where are you at right now?" Pat asked.
No sooner had I pushed in the "Talk" button when a middle-aged, dirty, poorly-dressed woman blurted out, "This is Pine Brook Market!"
I gave her a look that said, "Thanks, but I was the one he asked." I went back to my conversation, and said, "Like you probably heard, Pine Brook."
Pat beeped back, "How many more stops you have left?"
"Only a couple," I informed him. "I'm going to the pizzeria up the road next."
The grating voice bellowed, "Which one? Antonio's??"
In calm frustration, I excused myself from the store to get the rest of the shipment. As I loaded up my cart, chatting with Pat, and sharing a head-shaking at the Human Ear, she happened to exit the shop, and walked up to me.
"Are you going to Antonio's? If you want to know where it is, it's 1 block up, after the curve, on the right side!"
I told her I knew where Antonio's was, and Pat's voice came over the phone, with a bit of a chuckle, "Who is that?"
I knew what was about to happen, so I just pushed the button and let her answer. "Oh, it's just me. I'm nobody!"

Maybe so, but it appears you'd really like to meet my friend! Where on earth did this lady get the idea we were talking to her?

Lost: Ski mountain. Reward if found.

Oh, the the thinks you can think, if only you try!
The Scranton Times-Tribune, again proving that people do indeed say stupid things, sent their roving photographer out to ask the populace their oh-so-eloquent opinions regarding various issues... This week's nugget to chew on: "Should Lackawanna County (PA) sell the Montage ski resort (located in Scranton)?" Those who answered in the affimative were actually quite normal and got their point across succinctly. However, those who say "Nay:"
"I think it's a bad idea because it's not going to be a part of Scranton."--Arthur Robinson, Scranton.
"I don't think so. It has been in this area a while. People like to ski here. But if it's better for the area by selling it, we should. As long as it stays in the area..." --Robert Smith, Scranton.
"It's part of Scranton. If they take that away, Scranton doesn't have that much value as far as enjoyment." --Raheem Campbell, Scranton.

Where in the name of Everest do you think this place is going??? Oh, wait, I understand. These dudes must have read the verse in Scripture where Jesus says, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "Be removed," and it shall be [sold and] cast into the sea..."
And your town will suck to live in to boot.

Biased opinion? Sure, what the heck!

This past week, Hazleton (PA) mayor Lou Barletta (R) drew national attention to his little city of 23,000 by signing into law his own version of an Immigration Reform Act. Under his new guidelines, in an attempt to "take back the city from the hordes of illegal immigrants who are dominating the city with crime and a declining economy," any illegal found can be arrested and handed over to federal INS officials; all governmental documents will be printed in English, and English shall be the official language of the metropolis; and any landlord renting to illegals, or any employer hiring illegals shall be subject to fines and/or imprisonment. (The Constitutionality of this new law is now up for debate within Pennsylvania Superior Court.)
Following up on the hub-bub, the Scranton Times-Tribune newspaper decided to devote their daily "Roving Photographer" poll question to the topic. The photographer interviews 6 individuals and asks for their feedback to a specific inquiry, Saturday's being, "Should English be declared the official language of PA?"
Answers one man: "No. It should be English and Spanish. Since I moved here, I think it would be easier for the Spanish to get a job or a G.E.D." --Saint Alvarez, Scranton (PA).

First, Alvarez, huh? Gee, I wonder what his heritage is.
Second, "Since you moved here?" Uh, could I see your green card, please?
Third, Yeah, like you're all that, singlehandedly making it possible for Hispanics to get jobs and an education!

Another individual, Tim Roxby of Scranton, responded to the question: "Yes. I think it should be a federal law. It's the country, not just one spot. If we went to certain areas down in Mexico, they wouldn't be speaking English. And places like in Iraq."
...Huh??? ...DIZZYING logic there, Roxby!

War = insanity (A serious post...)

WARNING: This post contains my personal opinion on the Israel-Hezbollah conflict, which is likely to upset the conservative Christian right-wing. Please do not read if you are likely to be offended.
As I observe the horrific events taking place in the Middle East today, I cannot help but shake my head at how incredibly stubborn we as humans can be. The lyrics of an old Queensryche song come to mind... "Brother killing brother for the profit of another/ Game point, and nobody wins..."
It must be understood that the latest flare-up of violence is only the most recent chapter of a story of hate that began when Abraham had two sons, Isaac and Ishmael. Ishmael was born to Sarah's hand-maid, Hagar; while Isaac was the child of promise, according to the Bible. Hagar and Ishmael were intensely jealous of Isaac, and as a result, Abraham sent them away, where Ishmael became the father of the Arabic peoples. The hatred has not only remained, but intensified, especially since Israel became an independent nation in 1948. Israel has maintained its right to exist, while the Arabs have held its position on their desire to destroy Israel and make it a Palestinian state.
POINT #1: I believe Israel does have a right to be sovereign, and to defend herself when attacked. (Defend, NOT offend.)
POINT #2: I do NOT trust Israeli PM Ehud Olmert as far as I could throw him. (I was once very close to someone who has personal access to Olmert.) I believe he is resting his faith on his country's military might, as can be proven by his statements (when he was mayor of Jerusalem) that he would never concede 1 square inch of his beloved city to the Palestinians. He made several forceful boasts during his tenure in that post, and felt secure doing so, having the backing of people such as previous PM Ariel Sharon.
POINT #3: Hezbollah, Hamas and several other Arabic militant groups have a long history of provoking Israel to forceful actions, and had no right to kidnap and hold the two Israeli soldiers who were serving in non-active roles at the times of their capture.
All this said to address the Knesset's contention that Israel is merely carrying out her right to defend herself. By striking against the whole of Gaza AND Lebanon???
I could understand if the Israeli army carried out covert maneuvers to make precision strikes against terroristic positions, but to hold a whole country in fear is unacceptable. Though I myself am insignificant, I officially denounce Israel's attacks and state that I do not support their actions or their agenda. Israel has no right to kill Lebanese citizens who have no more to do with Hezbollah than I do. Israel and Lebanon, joined by the Arabic council, must cease hostilities and make attempts to see to the release of the soldiers (should they still be alive) through diplomatic means. God forbid, should that prove fruitless, more intelligent means need to be used to provide Israel with national security, break down the power of the terrorists and stabilize an already reeling region of the world.

Israel's stated defense of her war-mongering is definitely worthy proof of the statement, "People Say Stupid Things."

The check's (not) in the mail

Today I made a soda delivery to the most rural outpost I have. (The nearest town of any size-- tiny-- is a good 5 miles away!) Needless to say, being this far removed from civilization, the store owner is a bit detached from reality. The gulf between his brain and the world is widening week-by-week.
After dropping off the goods, he paid me with a check, as per usual. What was unusual, however, was his next question. "Do you have a check for me?"
I thought this was just a poor attempt at a lame joke, until I studied his face. He was dead serious. "Nnnnnoooooo...," I answered guardedly.
Puzzled, the owner jabbed, "I'm owed $93. I was told you'd have a check for me."
"No, sorry, I don't," I affirmed.
Not willing to give up, Mr. Woodsy stated, "I was told the girls in the business office were going to hand you a check to give to me."
My patience was wearing thin, but I politely voiced, "Sorry, but I don't see the girls in the morning. They don't come into the office until 8:00, and I'm always gone by 6:30."
Randy of the Redwoods either wasn't listening, or was ignoring me altogether. "Well, why would they tell me that they would hand the check personally to you??"
Enough was enough. "I don't know who told you what," I spoke firmly, "but I don't see anyone from the business office in the morning. If you'd like to call the office--"
Interrupting me, he interrogated, "Are you sure you don't have a check?"
WHAT???

No, that's right, I did have it, but I spent it at Kmart earlier this morning, stockpiling on Aleve! Hmm... My head's hurting now. A LOT. I think I'll go pop a few dozen.

Excu$e me!!! Time i$ money!

Today's post is sponsored by the Pennsylvania Lottery, facilitating compulsive gambling to benefit older Pennsylvanians everyday!
I went to a local convenient store today to make a soda delivery. When I brought my load into the store, there was a gentleman perched like a vulture at the counter near the lotto register. The store was being manned by one lady, who was all by herself. As she went to assist the man, the phone rang. She said, "Excuse me one moment," and answered the phone. The man impatiently glared at her. I dropped off my drinks in the back room and went back to the counter to receive payment, making sure I stepped back so that customers could be assisted first. No sooner had the clerk hung up the phone, when a young dude ran in and said, "I need a pack of (smokes,)" tossing the money on the counter. The clerk shot an apologetic look at Mr. Lotto Fever, not wanting to leave money--understandably-- lying on the counter. Then, as she tried to tell me, "I'll be with you in just a minute," the guy flipped out and snapped, "Look, I'm in a really big hurry, so could you please get my numbers for me!"
Miss Store clerk said, "Sir, I'm sorry about the wait. I'm here by myself." Unfortunately, sympathy was not to be had. "Whatever," the man ranted. "Now, are you gonna help me, or am I going to take my business elsewhere??"
In an attempt to keep her calm, I told the clerk, "It's OK. Go ahead; I'm in no rush." After all, Pushy was, right? Then this guy goes on to buy ticket after ticket after ticket. 10 minutes later, the transaction was complete. This guy must have spent at least $50 in lottery tickets! No "Thank You," no "Please," no nothing, except the greedy man snapping up his tickets and waddling out the door. (He wasn't heavy-set; he just waddled when he walked.)
I never thought belligerence could be any worse. Ah, but couple it with unbridled greed, and you have a new 3-headed monster!

All I can say is, thank God this dude ran out of money! Any more, and he'd own the lottery!

WIC: Wack-jobs, Idiots and Clods

We had our quarterly visit to the WIC office this afternoon for recertification of continued eligibility for benefits for our youngest child, age 2. Many years of personal experience have proven that most WIC employees aren't the swiftest of intellect. For example...
As per custom, WIC needs verification of family income, so it's always important to bring pay stubs from my job. However, this time, the receptionist just blandly barked at my wife, "Documents?"
"Documents?" Mish-mash quizzed. "What the heck are you asking for?"
"Did you bring pay stubs?" the gal condescendingly blurted.
"Yes," MMM replied, and handed them to her.
A pregnant pause filled the room as the WICcer handled, but did not unfold, the stub. With wonder, tempered with confusion, she voiced, "So what is your income?"

Nature-- and I, too-- abhors a vacuum!

Consumerism for the clueless

I recently had a roasted chicken dinner at a take-out place. As per custom, the dinner was accessorized by the infamous plastic bag filled with cheap utensils, napkin, salt and pepper packets, and the world-reknowned moist towellette. For some ridiculous reason, I happened to take notice of the towellette, and something written on the back caught my eye: "Directions for use."
Are you jerking my chain? You actually felt the need for printing directions for using your moist towellette? This fact, in and of itself, is completely insane, but it gets better when you read the 3-step directions. I hadn't previously comprehended that you could actually break down usage of a wet piece of paper into smaller increments!
"1) Tear open outer packaging."
Ohhhhh, is that how it works?! I thought I wasn't any cleaner!
"2) Unfold towellette."
Yeah, I guess that'd be more effective than this tiny 1" square would be!
"3) Use, wiping on hands and face."
...Does "use" actually count as a direction step? And who in their right mind would smear that thing over their face? Have you smelled a moist towellette lately? "Hey, what's that perfume you're wearing? Smells like lemon!" "Uh, it's actually 'Moist towellette!'"

If you can't figure out how to use this product without reading the directions, you don't DESERVE to have clean hands and face!

It's time to play... PASS THE BLAME!

I was making a delivery to "XYZ Pharmacy" today. This chain of drug stores receives and controls its inventory by scanning product UPCs into a scan-gun computer, which interfaces with the store computer, which hooks up with the corporate machine. When an item is scanned in as being received into store inventory, the cost is calculated to prevent overcharging or conflicts with vendor invoices.
All that said to prove a point: Big Brother does NOT come without flaws.
My delivery today was simply for 3 cases of 2-liter bottles of soda. The cost per case is $9.60, making the total on my load $28.80. Upon scanning in my stuff, the manager said, "Whoa. There's a discrepancy of over $5."
"On 3 cases?" I doubted. "Something must not have entered in correctly. Why don't you verify the products and costs?"
...Which she did. I watched the data on the scanner screen to see if there was a system error. ...And there was...
Yep, 7Up, 1 case, cost $9.60. Canada Dry, 1 case, $9.60. Root Beer, 1 case, $9.60. Scan total: $23.04???
OK, so the computer doesn't add correctly. But what was completely maddening was the attitude I got from the manager.
"There's something wrong on your invoice," she jabbed.
"No, there's not," I retorted. I watched the screen as you verified the items. $9.60 3 times equals $28.80, and the gun read $23.04."
She wouldn't give up her new math. "No, there HAS to be something wrong. We're getting overcharged by you."
I'm all for being patient, but not when dealing with blunt stupidity, haggling over 3 cases when I still have 17 more stops to make. "Look," I forcefully exclaimed, "Do you want to figure this out on a piece of paper? $9.60 times 3 is $28.80, NOT $23.04. Your system is screwed up. The error is in your system, not on our charges."
Not deterred, and clearly unwilling to be obviously corrected by some poor slob of a delivery dude, the store manager quipped, "Never mind. I'm just going to have to contact the district manager to tell them how you're overcharging us. Just put the product in the back."

*Voice of Lundberg from "Office Space"* ...Yeeeaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh...

I'm guessing that A) this gal's strong suit is not mathematics; B) this gal's strong suit is not business administration; C) this gal's strong suit is not people skills; D) this gal's strong suit is not taking responsibility for her mistakes; E) All of the above.

The British are coming! ...Is that good or bad?

Today's post comes from an article in the Saturday, July 1 edition of the Scranton (PA) Times-Tribune entitled "In History, Stupidity Still Reigns" by editor Ron Davis. These excerpts are typed verbatim as it appeared in the paper...
...Copy editor Ron Davis poses... questions to Alan Rogers, Ph.D., chairman of the history department at Boston College, where he teaches U.S. constitutional history and the American Revolution...
Q: What's the dumbest question you've ever been asked about American history? (Besides [this one,] of course.)
A: "What side were the Americans on in the Revolutionary War?"

...Well, now, isn't that revolutionary.

Live Brain Aid

My wife (mish-mash mousse) attended a Journey/Def Lepperd concert this past Friday. (...Primarily to see Journey, her favorite group; however, she stayed for both acts.) As Journey performed, my wife was very much enjoying the show, while most folks seated around her were obviously there to hear the 80's hair metal band from Britain. Right in the middle of Journey's "Faithfully," as 10,500 fans were on their feet, MMM felt a tap on her shoulder, startling her a bit. She turned around to see a woman mouthing words to her, with some dude who looks like "Milton" from the movie "Office Space" sitting next to her with a melancholy look. Due to the volume, my wife signaled to the woman that she hadn't heard what she said. The woman cupped her hands around her mouth, and yelled, "DO YOU HAVE A PEN???"
Flabbergasted, my wife answered, "NO!" and signed that she was not in possession of a purse or anything else.
The woman was unfazed. Pointing to Milton, she yelled, "His best friend is the lead singer!"

Yeah, judging by his enthused stance, it looked like it. My guess is that she felt she could get an autograph from Jouney front-man Steve Augeri, but the timing of her request was odd...

Later, as Def Leppard took the stage, between songs, fans cheered and excitedly talked. One listener, referring to DL's lead guitarist, Phil Collen, blathered, "I wonder if Phil Collins is going to sing tonight? He's got such a great voice!" Obviously, a case of mistaken identity, imagining Phil (note: spelling of name not even the same!) Collins from "Genesis."

Well, nobody said it was going to be a concert to benefit the local mensa club!!!

Welcome to the third pseudo-annual STUPIES awards!!!

(Music starts: the theme to the "Bugs Bunny Show" plays in the background behind thunderous applause...) ...And oh, what heights we'll hit / On with the show, this is it!!!
The STUPIES are back and they're better than ever! We're so glad to have you with us as we... er, celebrate... Certain people who have utilized their ridiculous... talent... of making us all thankful and appreciative that we are not as dumb as you!

The Ignernt Foo' STUPIE is awarded to the individual who displays the most appalling and irritating form of stupidity. This year, our winner has exemplified the greatest amount of "cranial rectosis" of anyone these past few months... With the following weblinks to prove his/her merit, you can definitely agree that this individual is most worthy to hold this wooden pedestal capped with fake doggie vomit high. The Ignernt Foo' STUPIE goes to.... "Anonymous!"
http://twasthen1.blogspot.com/2006/04/2nd-today-bizarre-bunny-makes-easter.html
http://twasthen1.blogspot.com/2006/04/confucius-say-duh.html
http://twasthen1.blogspot.com/2006/06/wow-justice-really-is-blind.html
The comments following each of these stories posted on "PSST" truly capture the pure ignorance of this rabble-rouser, making him an easy target-- I mean, choice as the recipient of this award...

The Cloud of Idiot Gas STUPIE is named to honor "Sierra," creator of the former blog with the same name. We very much miss his contributions to the Blogger community, and hope that someday in the future, he will find the time to make a much-desired return to the web-waves. This award "honors" the public figure who issues the most insane and incompetent statement or question in the presence of thousands of people. (Our first STUPIE winner, WNEP-16 weatherman Tom Clark, would fit into this category.) The Cloud of Idiot Gas STUPIE goes to... WNEP counterpart, reporter Bob Reynolds!
http://twasthen1.blogspot.com/2006/03/numbskull-newsmen-at-work.html
With his poor attempt to ask a rhetorical query, Bob shows how NOT to do investigative reporting!...

Lastly, the Incredulous Choice STUPIE is granted to the person who draws the most ire from me, Mr. Incredulous, for any type of expression of stupidity. The Incredulous Choice STUPIE is given to... Mr. I's former supervisor, Jan!
http://twasthen1.blogspot.com/2006/02/supplemental-to-anti-leadership.html
http://twasthen1.blogspot.com/2006/02/not-easily-confused-eh.html
http://twasthen1.blogspot.com/2006/03/non-listening-skills.html
http://twasthen1.blogspot.com/2006/03/2nd-today-follow-up-to-non-listening.html
http://twasthen1.blogspot.com/2006/03/fresh-brewed-stupidity-first-thing-in.html
Jan consistently showed poor leadership abilities and lack of proper analysis, driving me insane while I worked my butt off at the local uniform distibution center. Nothing takes the joy out of a job more than a terrible leader, as I can personally attest. For that reason, Jan was the obvious "man for the job" of receiving this STUPIE.

That concludes our show! Thanks for joining us for... the STUPIES! Come back and join us again in another 100 posts!!! I'm Mr. Incredulous, saying, "Tee-tee, ta-ta, and toodles!"

On second thought, please don't

My wife attended a Journey concert on Friday, and before the music began, she checked out the concession table. Surprisingly, Journey wasn't selling much merchandise. They did have a wide assortment of T-shirts, each of which was coded by a letter. For instance, if you wanted this shirt, it was identified by "I," or that one was "Q," or the white one over there was "F," and so on.
The only other product they carried was a pair of white lace boxer-style panties with the word "Journey" across the seat. The sign on the tent read, "Panties, $15. Ask for 'P.'"

Boy, somebody went through a lot of trouble to think that one up!

And lastly today, am I in the Twilight Zone???

Since starting my new job as a soda/beverage delivery driver about 2 1/2 months ago, I have certain businesses that have become regular, weekly stops. One of them is a small pizza shop called "Granato's."* One of the other drivers, "Kenny," relinquished that stop about 4 months ago. "Randy" had been delivering Granato's orders for the previous 45 days or so before I took it on. Every time I bring the product in, I say "Hi, how are you doing today?" ...Or something of that nature, so the owner and family have seen me countless times. Last week, out of nowhere, the owner's wife, who works in the kitchen, asked, "Where's Kenny?" I had informed her that Kenny wasn't stopping here anymore, that he had other stops nearby, but it was now part of my route, to which she responded, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh..."
So this week, I once again go to Granato's and was greeted by the owner. Somehow, I knew what was coming... "Hey, where's Kenny? Is he on vacation this week?"

This week??? OK, I think you're the ones on vacation. A permanent mental vacation.

*Name of eatery changed to save them from much-deserved ridicule, and to hide the fact of the existence of this place. If the Board of Health knew they served food, they'd probably shut it down! ...Let's just say that storing beverages in a dark, dusty basement right near an anti-freeze leak probably isn't a good idea!!!

It's just about time for the new and improved (sorry, Pat) STUPIES!!! Keep a close watch on PSST and see the gradiose of gullible... The climax of chaotic... The incomprehension of Incredulous!!! Stay tuned!

Second today: "Heartless" follow-up

I am VERY happy to report that in spite of the severe flooding that took place in Northeastern PA this past week, my boss, "Rob," managed to find another relative to get his father-in-law out of the flood plain and take him to safety. Rob had called a niece, who, though it was quite a distance for her, was kind enough to get dad out of danger. Rob had arranged for a meeting place so that dad could join the rest of the family at a local shelter.
Lo and behold, when Rob arrived at the rendezvous point, stingy bro ("I don't have the gas money") also was there. With much purpose and glee, Rob put dad in the car, then turned to the niece to thank her, and said (with brother's eyes on him) "Thanks. Here's $40 for your troubles." The brother's response? "Oh, MAN! If I had known you were going to give money, I would've gotten him!!!"
Rob said, "That was the best $40 I've ever spent."

Ah, the twisted pleasure of silent scorn...

You-u-u-u.... light up my _______!

...Comfort is so overrated, don't you think? Well, then again, I never had a light bulb stuck up my backside!
Man, I know I really shouldn't laugh, but how in the name of Thomas Edison does this happen to a person? I find it strangely ironic that a man imprisoned for making liquor (illegally) ends up in a state where one would HAVE to be seriously torqued, or else just grossly compliant.
"I don't know who did this to me. Police or other prisoners." Like that's truly important now! Even if your story is true, (The doctor treating Mohammad said he'd never encountered anything like it before, and doubted the felon's story that someone had drugged him and inserted the bulb while he was comatose) does it matter? How on earth do you prevent it from happening again? Here's a suggestion: LOTS of Ex-lax on a daily basis!

What will they insert, er, I mean, think of next???

Heartless beyond belief

I feel for my boss, "Rob." In the midst of the worst flooding northeastern PA has seen in 34 years, Rob has to evacuate his family for the next 2 days. However, amidst all the chaos, he remembered his father-in-law, who's confined to a wheelchair and trapped in his home not far from the raging Susquehanna River. Rob called his brother, who lives about 1 mile from dad-in-law, asking him to pick up dad and take him to his house until Rob got done with work and could take the whole family to safer ground. You know what brother replied?
"Sorry. I don't have the gas money."

...To drive 1 mile??? Why don't you just go ahead and say, "Dad's a burden I can't bear?"

Sadly, at the time of this writing, "Dad's" house is completely inaccessible-- all surrounding roadways are flooded. I pray the Guard can get him out. How can anyone be so cruel?

Sorry, my brain's a bit "coudy"

After a long absence, WNEP-16's chief meteorologist, Tom Clark, has made a dubious return to PSST!
Our area has been trapped in a rain vortex for over a week, and now major flooding throughout the area has begun, shutting down key roadways and communities. Almost 6" of rain has fallen in the past 4 days, and the ground cannot soak in any more water. ...So tell me why Clarkie makes this statement on the news tonight!
"Believe it or not, we're still below the water table in most of the viewing area, after the dry March we had..."

...Ri-i-i-i-i-ight... Tell that to the families who had to evacuate their homes and watch entire towns get submerged!

Dear Abby, from Stupid in Sacramento

Columns like "Dear Abby" have always driven me crazy, and a letter printed in today's newspaper illustrates why. Here's excerpts from "Lindy" in Sacramento:
Dear Abby: "Danny" and I have been together six months. During the first six weeks I was studying in Europe, and when I got back we jumped straight into an intense, time-consuming relationship. Then he asked if he could move in with me. It was all too sudden for me, and I said I wasn't ready. Danny reacted by breaking up with me. Since then, our relationship has been rocky.
Wait a momentary moment! Didn't you just say he broke up with you??? DUH!
...Danny says that he loves me... I need to regain my balance before I can be in a relationship with him again.
Exsqueeze me, but didn't you begin this letter by saying you two have been together for six months?
I want to take a couple of steps back this summer, and... build a foundation. I know Danny is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I'm not ready for that kind of commitment now.
Um, could you BE any more contradicting?!
...Should I give up and walk away, or continue to try to rebuild our relationship?
Dear Lindy: Danny may say that he loves you, but if it is more than lip service, he should be willing to give you the space you need... What you're proposing is reasonable...
HUH??? Say WHAT now???
...and if he can't respect your feelings, you should, indeed, walk away.
What in blue blazes? Is it just me, or am I the only one who sees the OBVIOUS problem here? Lindy wants a boyfriend without the "work." She's continually sending mixed signals to this smothering dude, and then Abby just feeds her fire by pointing out how demanding Danny is???
Can you say, Co-dependent???

Here's my advice for the advice lady: stop screwing up people's lives with blind insight!

Cookie Contradict Confucius

My wife and I enjoyed a Chinese dinner this evening, and of course, as always, we exchanged chuckles over our "fortunes." Mine read, "Depart not from the path which fate has you assigned."
Webster's defines fate as "...An inevitable... outcome, condition or end; final outcome."
Now, if fate is inevitable and pre-determined, how could I deviate from said path?

Obviously, this was not a saying of Confucius. I think maybe it was a quote from his younger brother, Chaosis.

Cranial Rectosis in Calgary

While I'm sure I could post a story from my travels today that would befit this blog, nothing would top what Kris experienced in a DQ parking lot up North...
http://plasticobsession.blogspot.com/2006/06/reasons-14567-and-14568.html
Did you take notice of the focal mental-lapse in this story?
...The older woman again said I hadn't and "GRANTED, I SHOULD HAVE BEEN HOLDING ONTO HIM". Ok, that is the understatement of the century, lady! I proceeded to tell them that they had been blocking my way out of the parking lot and I had waited and shoulder checked but did they REALIZE that the boy was impossible to see because of his height?! Blind spots don't discriminate. They said they had not thought of that.

Aye carumba, eh?

Man, you have GOT to get a LIFE.

My wife and I turned on the Weather Channel last night to find out if I'd be dealing with rain on my delivery route today. Only one problem: there was no weather. The whole team was talking about a solstice party in Cape Cod. The time for a commercial break came...
"Coming up next on the Weather Channel-- continued live team coverage of the first day of summer!!!"

Thanks. I needed a cure for my insomnia!

Over the edge we go! (part 2)

Yesterday, I was making a soda delivery in the sleepy little "city" of Nanticoke, PA. The store was located on a side street, and since there was no parking available there, I stopped my truck caddy-corner to it just off a four-way intersection, with stop signs in all directions. As I unloaded the cases off my truck, I looked up to see 3 teens crossing the street in the crosswalk. Suddenly, a car came screeching up to them. The woman, who I will call "Crosswalk Carrie," opened her car door and got out, yelling many colorful metaphors at the large youths. "Why don't you fucking watch where you're fucking going, asshole shit!!!"
(Interjection: in PA, it's a state law that cars must yield to pedestrians in a crosswalk.)
The apparent leader of the pack just looked over his shoulder and informantly spouted, "We have the right-of-way, fucking lady," while continuing to stride up the sidewalk.
Carrie raged, "Asshole bastards!!! Shut up, you piece of shit!! I don't give a fucking dick what you think!"
The short-statured, 50-something year old female actually took a few menacing steps after them, and now the trio stopped. The top dog coldly vented, "Get back in your car, asshole!!!"
...Which she did, still unleashing a myriad of sailor-speak, slammed her car door, laid on the horn about 5 seconds, and quickly sped off, (in a 25MPH zone) continuing her butchering of the Queen's English the entire time. Oh, and did I mention that while she was carrying on this tirade, traffic was now backed up a half-block behind her vacated vehicle in the middle of the road?

...Maybe it was the heat, who knows, but I still fail to see what causes people to experience this level of road rage... I mean, you failed to yield to those in the right, and then risk your life by chasing after 3 dudes who are each twice your size???

NOT BRIGHT.

Hey, beloved readers, it's almost that time again! Forthcoming shortly, the third, and newly expanded edition of... THE STUPIES! Stay tuned as we hand out three, count 'em, THREE Stupie awards, unofficially sponsored by Chia head and Prozac!

Over the edge we go! (part 1)

While nothing was "said," I got a HUUUUUUUUUUGE laugh out of this story...
What in the name of Mehatma Ghandi??? Obviously, Mr. Kumar has not read his teachings...

I'm not sure which looney story is better, this or "Crosswalk Carrie"?

Another senseless everyday phrase

We all use it... (Yes, me too, and I don't know why!!!)

"Watch your head!"

I can't!!! I'm inside it!!!

Wow, justice really IS blind

This story really makes me shake my head and say, "What is WRONG with people today???" Admittedly, as a home-school parent, my viewpoint is a bit biased, but how can anyone reconcile the statements in the key paragraph of this article?
Home School Legal Defense Association Attorney Chris Klicka contacted the court and explained the error, but the judge simply stated, "He doesn't know the law in Michigan." This is in spite of the fact that Klicka provided the judge with extensive information concerning the history and laws in Michigan and the battle for the right to homeschool that he had been involved in for over eight years, and that he worked on the case that went before the Supreme Court of Michigan. *bold type added for emphasis.
How on EARTH did this dude get himself elected??? You don't know the laws of Michigan??? Heck, how did you even pass the bar? You admit (by default) that you haven't read key affidavits pertaining to the case, that you care absolutely nothing about the pain and suffering that you are causing this family, and that you don't spend important time reading key legal documents which you are required to have full understanding of before you put on your holy robe and powdered wig to sit behind the bench?
Amazing. Career criminals are getting slaps on the hand left and right in this country, (pathetical short stints of "probation") roaming free to commit acts of atrocity against society, but you're gonna string along a family over a misunderstanding and $3500?!?

Stuff like this just absolutely sickens me...

Unfortunate phone number

A local dentist, in an attempt to garner more business, obtained a toll-free number, thinking what's "cute" and memorable would encourage potential and existing patients to call. However, his choice in personified numbers is questionable at best:
1 (800) 866-8422.
1 (800) TOOTHACHE.

Sorry, but I have no desire to have my teeth cleaned by someone who identifies himself with a toothache! Is this some sort of prophecy???

Another version of "No duh!"

In my travels today, I passed by an old gas station that has long been vacant and boarded up. Apparently, the owner closed up in a hurry, because he/she just enclosed the gas pumps in a cube of plywood. What was funny, however, was the spray-painted sign right next to each pump:
"NO GAS."

Gee, I'm really glad we have that cleared up because I was all ready to fill 'er up, and I didn't feel like driving 2/10 of a mile down the road to the next available station!!!

I thought nurses were supposed to make you feel BETTER!

My wife took my son to the ENT specialist today. While they were awaiting their turn, a member of the nursing staff come out into the waiting room to call the next patient... "Mr. Jones?"
Jonesey got up and followed the nurse. She asked, "How are you today, Mr. Jones?"
"Pretty good," he politely answered.
Indignantly, the nurse exclaimed, "Well, that can't be true You're HERE!!!"
Not missing a beat, Mr. Jones blandly joked, "OK, yesterday, then!"

Hats off to Mr. Jones for showing the nursing staff that humans ARE capable of having feelings and a sense of humor!

P marks the spot

Here's another lovely contribution from Roland Sweet's "News Quirks..."
Bioengineer Richard Deutsch invented a talking urinal to warn men not to drive drunk. According to the Washington Times, the Wizmark interactive urinal communicator is a motion-sensitive, battery-operated device about the size of a pine-scented sanitizer. Its miniature screen delivers a 15-second announcement to anyone using it, recommending, "Maybe it's time to call a cab or call a sober friend for a ride home." Encouraged by the response to the Wizmark, Deutsch said he has also developed a "sit-down" version for women's restrooms.

The Wizmark interactive urinal communicator??? Sounds like something used in "Star Trek" when the crew has had too much Romulan ale...
Are you cereal??? Some drunk comes staggering into the bathroom, and you expect this guy to take notice, let alone read, a message that he is urinating on??? "What's this? May... may-beee..... errrrrrrrr... Maybe it's... ti-i-i-i-i-i-i-ime.... Frhbvvvlllll... Oh, what the bloody hell?"

I'm really, really, REALLY hoping the sit-down version won't be placed IN the toilet tank... 'Nuff said!

Getting more bang for your jerk

Today's PSST post is brought to you courtesy of Roland Sweet's "News Quirks." All items collected by Mr. Sweet come from various press clippings from around the globe and are verified as authentic before he puts them to print...
Accused of lobbing a home-made bomb at his girlfriend in Rougemont, NC, Otis Cecil Wilkins, 45, insisted he was actually aiming at a beaver dam but pleaded guilty anyway. Witnesses said the bomb exploded "in a large fireball" but then rolled back toward Wilkins, igniting his shorts. He spent more than a week at a hospital burn center. "I ain't no terrorist," Wilkins told sheriff's investigators. "It was just a little bit of black powder. It was just a little boom thing."

A little boom? Seems to me your lower extremities experienced "The big bang!"

No habla Ingles? ...No artery clogger for you!

There are two extremes that this "Immigration pendulum" swings toward. One is the "Day Without Immigrants" protests. The other is located in Philadelphia at Geno's Steaks.

http://www.phillyburbs.com/pb-dyn/news/103-06092006-667618.html

I agree with Vento to quite an extent, but why would you risk losing business and enduring a political inferno just to make a point? A pretty stupid thing to do, as is Juntos's entertaining legal action. ...Actually, I qualify Juntos's considered course to be more vindictive than stupid.
Being a moderate, I think it's time for both sides of the issue to stop playing stubborn games and be more tolerant-- Vento needs to be willing to accommodate someone who doesn't speak English, and the Latino community needs to be more willing to assimilate into American culture instead of attempting to subdue it.

JMHO!!!

The "gift" that keeps on giving

A local doctor in my area, Dr. Moro (Interruption: please keep in mind that his name is missing a letter!) recently demonstrated why people skills are NOT his forte! Dr. Moro has a long-standing tradition of blowing off his patient's complaints/symptoms and telling them they're fine. He also has an established tradition of offering and performing rectal exams. You've got eczema? Rectal. A touch of the flu? Rectal. A festering cold sore? Yep, you guessed it, rectal. ...GROSS!!!!! Ah, but it turns out there's a reason (beyond a fetish) he does that...
A friend of the family went to Dr. Moro to have him check on a persistent pain in her elbow. True to form, Moro gave A... complete physical. Why our friend didn't claim her patient's right and say, "No thank you," I'm not sure, but anyway... The examination complete, our friend went to the receptionist to write a check for her co-pay. Moro's exam fee is $35. Imagine this gal's surprise when she was told the cost was $75.
"Why did his rate go up so much?" she inquired.
"Ma'am, you received a FULL physical examination. The fee is $75," she was told. After much protest, Moro himself (still missing a letter) came out and rudely addressed our friend. She was so dismayed that she refused to pay, and stormed out of the office.
A couple of days later, she contacted her lawyer, and obtained a letter addressed to Moro, along with a check for $35. Moro sent the check back with a note, "Still awaiting correct payment." Friend sent the check back to Moro, with a note, "Your exam fee is $35; please note enclosed check in that amount." Again, Moro returned the check.
Now, wouldn't it make logical sense, if you're a doctor and awaiting payment due for services, wouldn't you accept the check and just send a bill for $40???

Dr. Moro, I see an "N" in your future...

Brainless businessman

Here's a lovely story about the owner of a "Hot dawg hut" (as he calls it) getting in over his head when he was robbed Sunday evening.
You're kidding, right, Bob? You have a couple hundred ripped out of your cash register, and instead of chalking it up as a temporary loss until police could deal with the matter, you allow a huge amount a damage to be done to your luxury SUV, PLUS now you've got medical costs, too?

"It's not the brightest thing to do," Bolus said the day after the incident.

Ah, so it took you a whole day to figure that one out, Bobby? It's financial mishaps like this which probably explain why you're not mayor of Scranton!
(Background note: In 2002, Mr. Bolus ran for mayor, even though every legal expert around told him that even if he won, he couldn't serve as mayor due to a past criminal record, yet he poured in thousands of dollars into a campaign anyway. ...And lost in a landslide.)

...Where you can go

I have heard the stories of a particular little hamlet about an hour northwest of Detroit, MI, but I never knew you could find out so much info about it! Take the time to peruse over this cute little site, serving as a tourism tease! It's worth it!

www.hell2u.com

...Not that anything on this site is "stupid," per se; it's just really odd!

And to think I have to work this Tuesday. I'm gonna miss a party in Hell!

Knowledge doesn't equal communication

Our local library offers many different activities for the area children which serves as educational, as well as fun, supplements to their education. Each event requires the parent(s) to register the kids, so this past weekend, my wife called the library...
MRS. I: Hi, I'd like to register my children for the reptiles workshop on June 18th.
LIBR#1: OK, hold on one moment, and I'll connect you with someone who can help you with that. (What? Why can't you?)
...Ten minutes later, Mrs. I is still on hold and surmises they forgot to pass along the request, so she hangs up and calls back.
MRS. I: Hi, I'd like to register my children, etc, etc...
LIBR#2: Absolutely, let me get your information...
Five minutes later, the kids are registered.
Two hours later, the phone rings.
*Beep!* LIBR#1: Mrs. I, I apologize. I put you on hold, and I honestly forgot you were on the line. If you'd like to register your children for an event, please call me back and I'll assist you with that. (Then why couldn't you in the first place?)
Shortly after the call, we decided to go to the library, being it was a rainy day and the kids were climbing the walls. Upon entry into the facility, my wife is approached by LIBR#1: Mrs. I, I am SO sorry I left you on hold...
MRS. I: That's OK. I figured you just got busy, so I hung up and called back and got the kids registered.
LIBR#1: Well, nobody told me THAT!

Ah, yes, the public library system. A well-oiled machine. NOT!

General Tsao's with a side of blindness

My buddy Pat and I met for lunch last week as we both completed our delivery routes at about the same time. It was at a Chinese restaurant that I deliver to every week. (Ironically, Pat had this route before I did, so both of us were regular "visitors to this eatery.) We sat down, in our uniforms with the RC cola/Canada Dry logo emblazoned across our shirts. The waiter came to our table and asked us what we would like to drink. Pat asked for a soda while I specifically asked for an RC. The waiter replied, "Sorry, we don't have Coke or Pepsi. Only RC."

He-llooo??? Have you noticed our shirts? Better yet, do we seem a bit familiar to you???

Hmm. I guess the dragon-lantern lights make patrons look different than vendors.

Billboard bungle

In my travels today, I noticed an odd advert on a billboard. Now, I know it was for a local law firm, but to somebody just passing through might think, "HUH???"
Dog and animal bites. LaBarbera and Kelleher.*

I can see it now. A man enters an office and says, "Yes, I'd like a dog bite, please."
* Name of law firm changed so I don't get my butt sued off!