Cloud of Idiot Gasoline (apologies to sierra)

In my travels today, I found a gas station which was selling Regular unleaded at $2.80 per gallon. (These days, that's a bargain!) Being that economic experts have been all over the news warning of a probable increase to $3.50/gal a month from now, I decided to top off my tank. Expectedly, I had to wait in quite a line, which was fine with me. Finally, I was next in line.
A woman got out of a Hyundai Sonota in front of me to pump the gas. I assume she usually went to full service stations, because she had little clue as to what she was doing. Problem #1: She lifted the handle and pushed the "start" button, but nothing happened. I guess the HUGE white sign on the pump which read, "Cash customers, please pre-pay" was invisible. Finally, she figured out the problem, walked in to pay, then back out to pump. She put the nozzle in the tank, and clicked on the auto shut-off lever. (Problem #2, as she proceeded to stare into the sky while the car got filled.)
...It took forever! I couldn't figure out why, until I spotted gas pouring down the side of her car. I honked and motioned, to which she curiously glanced at me, but ignored me. I rolled down my window and called, "Your tank's overflowing!" Startled, she ogled at the fluid gushing from her tank, and shut the pump off. Then she had to angrily stomp back into the station and gripe to the cashier. After about 2 minutes-- this whole episode took about 15 minutes to play out-- she stormed back out and sped off, leaving the poor gas dude to dump litter over about 2 gallons worth of wasted gasoline. He told me, "That woman just bit my head off, telling me it's my fault she spilled gas! What's with that???"

The moron-- I mean, moral-- of the story is, Take accountability for your words and actions, and PAY ATTENTION to what you're doing!!!

2nd today: "You Say It's My Birthday!"

PSST is one year old today, with a bright, long future! Thanks go out to the thousands (I can say that now) of readers. To celebrate this momentous occasion, I tell the tale of an actual business sign my friend Pat saw near Honesdale, PA... (An alternate title for this post could be "How to get PETA's attention.")
A local man touts his skills with animals, noting he is both a veterinarian and a taxidermist. This is bad enough, but what's worse is his slogan... "Either way, you'll get your pet back!"

Thank God he didn't choose, "'Snookums' snipped or stuffed while you wait!"

Confusionism cookie

This little treat was in a fortune cookie I opened today: "Delay is the antidote for anger."

...Right. Tell that to the guy stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic 3 hours per day on the LA freeway.

More contradictory cigarette ads

Another couple of posters touting wonderful sticks made of paper and leaves caught my eye today...
"KOOL. Bold. Smooth. Fresh."

Excuse me, have you ever been trapped in a car with a smoker puffing away on your blessed creation with a few dozen stale butts smoldering in the ash tray, Mr. Marketing Mastermind? ...Oh, yeah, I forgot: you probably dwell within a perpetual cloud of blue haze. (Makes me think of Charles Nelson Reilly from "Match Game!") I don't think "Fresh" is the appropriate adjective here, Cowboy!

Then there was the other one I noticed:
WINSTON: Additive Free.

Well, thank the Lord for that, because heaven knows, I don't want to be putting any crap in my body!

Yes, there really is a world outside of your store!!!

Another day of work, another story of bizarre proportions. (Interjection: I really do like my job! It's just the people I often can't stand.)
Sometimes, when delivering beverages to large grocery stores, it's necessary to credit the customer for outdated or damaged products before bringing in the new order. Today was such a scenario. Normally, the salesman who places the order on behalf of the customer will arrange for credit, and then when the delivery driver (aka me) shows up, I have a credit slip, and I know exactly what's going out. Unfortunately, communication between the salesman and driver rarely take place. For some reason, the store receiver presumed I could read minds, and started yelling at me when I told him I needed to call the office to call for prices so the account could be properly credited. What was odd in this case was that the outgoing merchandise was neither old or damaged; it was just extra stock from a big sale the store had had the week before.
"This stuff needs to be taken out of here the second a sale is over!" the receiver ranted.
Assumption error #1: What, do you think everybody in my company spends all their spare time leafing through your adverts and fliers? Ah, true, we don't really have anything better to do.
Assumption error#2: Am I the salesman? Last time I checked, the answer was NO!
Assumption error #3: Apparently, you think I can just go to work and commandeer a truck just so I can drive down to pick up your overstock anytime a sale ends. Yeah, my job's truly that easy. Three strikes, you're out!

Methinks a fishing trip in the wilderness is long overdue for this guy.

Ad done in poor taste

Everywhere I go, I'm seeing posters in stores advertising a new cigarette by Camel, and it just makes me shake my head...

"New Camel Wides Menthol. Big! Fat! Delicious!"

Now, I don't even know any smokers who would say that their cig is "delicious." When was the last time you saw someone licking out an ash tray who says, "Mmmm! Yummy!"?

Tobacco- the new hors d'ouvres!

Polite arrogance

I was in Wal-mart today, ("localmusician's" favorite place in the whole wide world!) doing the weekly grocery shopping. The store was packed, and a lot of people were completely mentally fatigued from the 90-degree-plus heat wave we experienced this last week. I had my middle (6-year-old) child in the cart I was pushing, and progressed slowly, navigating through the excessive human traffic in the monstrous store. Suddenly, a woman with a cart and a severe case of tunnel-vision came barreling through from a cross-aisle, almost ramming into me, had I not yanked my cart to a grinding halt. The woman continued her head-long pursuit for a check-out aisle. Being that she had put my son in physical jeopardy, I shot a firm "You're excused!" to the woman.
Without stopping her forward motion, she looked directly at me and snapped a sarcastic "Thank you!" back to me.

"Thank you?" Ah, yes, as in, "Thank you for excusing my having my head jammed up my back end."

2nd today: It's a miracle!

Apparently, before I started working at my current job as a delivery driver, there was another employee there named Jayson. From what I've been told, Jayson's work ethic was none too high, and he often created excuses to call off sick. His best one was, "I can't come in to work today. My liver's shut down."

You mean, you're dead???

Funnier yet was the fact that he showed up for work the next day. Shortly thereafter, he never showed up again...

How to end a mensa meeting

My good friend and co-worker Pat gave me permission to use this... Pat was finishing up a delivery to a customer, and, as all of us drivers do, he completed the stop with a customary "goodbye." Only thing is, evidently, he either had a Freudian slip, or he started to speak, and with words already out there, he decided to change what he was saying.
"Have a good idea!" he closed.
The store owner looked up with raised eyebrows. "...Day???" he asked. Translation: "What, are you calling me an idiot?"

Hope you all enjoyed reading this. Take... ...luck!
(Don't get it? Check out www.brianregan.com.

If a picture's worth 1000 words...

Today, my travels took me to the small hamlet of Susquehanna, PA. (Pop. 900) I pulled into the parking lot of a small convenient store, where a LARGE man-- we're literally talking 700-800 pounds easily here-- was sitting at his usual perch on a park bench at the side of the lot. He waves to everyone, talks to nobody in particular, and evidently is not self-conscious. As I caught the big vision in the corner of my eye, I noticed that, he being very broad in girth, much hangs down in front. No sooner had I absorbed that visual definition then I observed that this man had a huge tear/ hole in his shorts near his... lower regions... And NO underwear!

Today's picture says, "EWW!"

Memories of PerpetualChocohlic's post/picture last week comes to mind...

2nd today: To prove a point

Upon completing my deliveries today, I returned to the warehouse, and prepared to pull into the building to check in, but lo and behold, I couldn't, because "Jake," my co-worker who doesn't, had parked his truck right in front of the garage door and disappeared. (BTW, it should be said that Jake is a self-proclaimed expert in everything, including mechanics.) With much frustration, I put my truck in "park" and jumped out of the cab, looking for him. Upon entering the building, I spotted him having a casual chat with another driver down at the other end. I yelled at him to move his wheels out of the way, and with a reluctant swagger, Jake waltzed my way.
I hopped back into my truck at about the same time Jake got in his, and then I heard, "Whir-click. Whir-click. Whir-click." Several failed attempts to start his truck later, I yelled out my cab, "Let the choke out, you idiot!!!" Like magic, the truck suddenly roared to a start, and he backed it into the parking lot, while I went into the warehouse to complete my day.
Jake entered moments later. "Hey fella, you should know the starter's bad on that truck before you call someone an idiot," he complained.
In no mood after working all day in 100 degree heat, I said, "Man, that truck's run rough for a month and a half. I never had a problem starting it. Just let out the choke and pump the gas twice before turning it over."
Jake didn't want to hear it. "The starter's bad," he shot back.
"Really?" I retorted. "Why don't you follow me and I'll show you how to start it!"
His pride wounded, Jake just muttered under his breath and walked away. He then went straight up to "Mark" and said, "When are they gonna fix that truck? The starter's been going on it for some time now!"
To my delight, Mark promptly went to the truck climbed in, and on the first try...
VROOOOOMMMM!

It was the best laugh I had all day.

Stupid does as stupid says

One moment of stupidity deserves another...
Today, during my deliveries, I needed to fill a vending machine. As usual, I took my key ring, (which has keys to both the truck and the machine,) opened the machine, set the keys on the inside ledge, and filled up the machine. The proprietor of the business where the machine sat struck up a conversation with me, and when I had finished placing bottles in, I closed the door, turned the handle, and locked it.
...And the second I did, I muttered, "Oh, CRAP!" Yep, locked the keys in the machine.

Stupid does.

The owner of the shop, immediately after I had groaned my regret, asked, "What, did you just lock the keys in the machine?"
"Yep," I answered in a feeble tone, partly because I was kicking myself, and partly because I knew what the next thing out of this dude's mouth would be.
"Well, can't you get them out???"

Stupid says!
(BTW, I called the office, and one of the maintenance men came and liberated me from my prison of unwittiness.)

Wow. Somebody actually gets it!!!

I read the most incredible article today on AOL News, of all places. Please take the time to click on this link and read this story. It will either challenge your mind-set, verify it, or, in my case, both... Rev. Gregory Boyd, pastor of the (formerly) 5000-member Woodland Hills Baptist church in St. Paul, MN, preached a six-week sermon series caled "The Sword and the Cross," publically refuting popular Christian beliefs that the Church should endorse conservative Republican candidates and defend the Bush administration's stance on defending the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. As well, he speaks of the need for Chirstians to abstain from mixing faith with politics. As a result, 1000 members (20%) left the church and have not returned. I would like to congratulate Rev. Boyd and thank him for voicing what I've been thinking all along, though it cost him dearly-- both figuratively and literally. The church was in the midst of a $7 million fund-raising campaign when Boyd delivered the pulpit series, and only $4 million came in. Also, some in the Baptist Convention want to see Boyd defrocked for blasphemy. Some of his most poignant statements (copied directly from the article) are as follows:
“When the church wins the culture wars, it inevitably loses,” Mr. Boyd preached. “When it conquers the world, it becomes the world. When you put your trust in the sword, you lose the cross.”
...In his six sermons, Mr. Boyd laid out a broad argument that the role of Christians was not to seek “power over” others -- by controlling governments, passing legislation or fighting wars.
“...America wasn’t founded as a theocracy,” he said. “America was founded by people trying to escape theocracies. Never in history have we had a Christian theocracy where it wasn’t bloody and barbaric."
...He said Christians these days were constantly outraged about sex and perceived violations of their rights to display their faith in public. “Those are the two buttons to push if you want to get Christians to act,” he said. “And those are the two buttons Jesus never pushed.”
...Mr. Boyd now says of the upheaval: “I don’t regret any aspect of it at all. It was a defining moment for us. We let go of something we were never called to be. We just didn’t know the price we were going to pay for doing it.”
...One woman asked: “So why NOT us? If we contain the wisdom and grace and love and creativity of Jesus, why shouldn’t we be the ones involved in politics and setting laws?” Mr. Boyd responded: “I don’t think there’s a particular angle we have on society that others lack. All good, decent people want good and order and justice. Just don’t slap the label ‘Christian’ on it.”

OK, so where's the stupidity in all this, you may ask? Try this on for size:
Mary Van Sickle, the family pastor at Woodland Hills, said she lost 20 volunteers who had been the backbone of the church’s Sunday school. “They said, ‘You’re not doing what the church is supposed to be doing, which is supporting the Republican way,’ ” she said. “It was some of my best volunteers.” (Not what Van Sickle said; what the congregants said...)

So to close, kudos to Rev. Boyd for speaking his convictions, and best stupie wishes to the 1000 who left the church so they could hang on to their blind, narrow views without threat of being challenged.

Cash, a watch, guns, whatever. It's all good!

I guess some people aren't hard to please, and they don't believe in driving a hard bargain. A recent ad placed in our local classifieds proves that either this man was desperate to sell off his old car, or just eager to get a bunch of stuff!
'97 OLDSMOBILE 88, clean, runs exc., auto, AC. $2500, or will trade for guns, Rolex or riding tractor.
Now hold on just a minute, Cletus. Don't you think that maybe a couple of guns or a Rolex probably is worth a lot less than $2500? "Uh, yes officer, this is my John Deere! ...What do you mean, 'It's not street legal?' ...Well, yeah, that is a Remington rifle strapped on the back. ...But sir, I'm just taking my new wheels out on a hunting trip!"

"Redneck Motors. Make us an offer. Any offer."

The Plan: Too unrealistic, even in Utopia

So the Bush administration feels it's doing the world a favor by brokering a Plan (herein known as the Magna Crapa) to propose to the governments of Lebanon and Israel in the hopes of generating a cease-fire. The Magna Crapa calls for, among other things:
*Disarming Hezbollah.
*Creating and deploying an international UN peace-keeping force.
*Hezbollah releasing the 3 captive Israeli soldiers, which precipitated the hostilities.
*Israel permanently withdraws from a town along the Golan Heights that they have controlled since the 1967 War.
Several problems exist with this Plan, let alone it being completely unacceptable to either party. First, HELLO, Dubya! The war is NOT between Israel and Lebanon. The Lebanese government is not shooting missiles into Haifa!
Second, Um, if you want to broker a peace agreement, isn't a good idea to talk with both parties! Hezbollah is NOT the Lebanese government, and the Lebanese government is NOT Hezbollah. Capiche?
Third, yeah, like a terrorist organization, which is built upon a deep, lasting and vile hatred for "the Zionists" is going to disarm. Ri-i-i-i-ight...
Additionally, and most importantly, why are politicians wasting time writing things like the Magna Crapa, which have as much chance of success as a one-legged centipede winning a marathon? Meanwhile, dozens of innocent, and not-so-innocent, people are dying a brutal death, and the clean-shaven, unaffected kings of the Western world still wear their pin-striped suits with pride, claiming they're doing all they can for the betterment of humankind.

Do us all a favor, George. GET REAL.

2nd today: The man with the heart of cold. Ice cold.

Another sign that the world really has gone to hell in a hand-basket! Read this OUTRAGEOUS story: Mobile Home Park Residents Evicted.
How incredibly selfish and uncaring can you possibly be??? "The owner of the mobile home park said now that he's almost 70 years old he doesn't want to run the park so he gave his tenants 30 days to move out." Well now, aren't you just a regular hero? You seriously think that everybody can just up, find a new home, and move in 30 short days? You claim you want to "retire?" Fine. Do whatever. Just be freaking realistic!!!

Mr. Terrace Hill, congratulations. You've officially been nominated for the "Ignernt Foo'" STUPIE, to be awarded in just a few short months, which is an eternity longer than the time you gave to your tenants. You know, the folks who were counting on you-- WERE being the operative word here.

No, it's just you.

We've been mired in a heat wave the last 2 weeks here in PA, with high temperatures constantly hanging around 90. I've been waiting for the inevitable, and today, it finally happened!
While bringing sodas into a local store, a young lady entered, sweating, and muttered to nobody in particular, "Whew! Is it hot out there or is it just me?"

Gee, I don't know. Why don't you go down the street where the road crew has been out in the blistering sun all day, and ask them?

The Accidental Tourists

While preparing to make a soda delivery today at a convenient store just 500 feet off of Interstate 81, I was interrupted as I unloaded my truck by a middle-aged couple, waving frantically at me. They were strolling up to me from their SUV, which was packed to the hilt. "Excuse me," the gentleman quizzed, "Can you tell us the easiest way to get to Niagara Falls?"
I noticed his wife had a notebook and paper, so I responded, "Sure. First you want to go up I-81 to Binghamton--"
The man barged in, "OK, so 81 NORTH. That's up that way, isn't it?"
"Yes," I warily answered. "Once you get to Binghamton, follow Route 17 West. That'll take you past Elmira. Keep going until you reach I-390, and go up to Rochester. Exit at the sign for 90 West to Buffalo. Once you get to Buffalo, take I-290 North for about 10 miles, and then turn on to I-190 North. Once to cross the second big bridge, take the first exit, which is the Moses Parkway. After about 3 miles, you run right into the main parking lot." (I took the time to list the directions to prove how simple they are.)
Let the game of 20 questions begin!
She says, "What sights are there to see along the way?" He says, "What hotel should we stay at?" She asks, "So do we go through Syracuse?" He says, "So how much do tolls add up to?"
What, do I LOOK like AAA here???
After a ton of questions, I noticed she never wrote down the directions. She turns to him, "You know, I'll never remember these directions. I'm going inside to buy a map."
OK, I thought, no skin off of my nose; it's probably a good idea. I go back to unloading my truck, and she taps me on the shoulder (with map in hand) and says, "OK, now can you show me what roads we take?"
You mean to tell me, you pack up the car to take a trip, and you have NO CLUE how to get there, or where to stay, or what to do?

Yep. The accidental tourists. If they actually make it to their destination, it'll be an accident.

Holy greenbacks, Batman!

You know how you find a $1 bill every now and then that has something written on it, like www.wheresgeorge.com. OK, I can kind of make some sense out of that, or somebody (unwisely) scribbling their phone number or E-mail address on it, to see where their dollar goes... But some things just make me shake my head, wondering, "What was the guy who wrote this thinking?"
Yesterday, for example, as I collected money for my soda deliveries, I came across a bill that had marked on it, "Have a nice next trip, Jesus!"
What in the name of Alan Greenspan is with that??? My only 2 guesses were that the author was calling George Washington "Jesus," or he thinks Jesus needs money. ...No, that couldn't be right, because He once said, "Give to Caeser what belongs to Caeser..." Or maybe s/he was using currency to promote his/her apocalyptic viewpoints regarding the Second Coming...

Anybody else out there want to take a stab at this?

What, does nobody eat here???

Today, as I often do, I had to attempt to deliver sodas to a restaurant that my co-"worker" "Jake" failed to last week. (This is a regular occurrence. Jake either chooses to not make certain deliveries, or his brain short-fuses and he forgets to... Anyway...) The business was called "Tony's Family Restaurant." I arrived at 1:45, unloaded the cases off the truck, took notice of the hours of operation on the front door, which was 7 AM to 11 PM, and hauled in the order... And was greeted by, "What are you doing here?"
A bit dumbfounded, I responded, "Um, I have a delivery for you."
The owner said, "Why are you here today?"
"My other driver failed to make this stop last week, so I'm bringing it now," I explained.
The man shook his head emphatically. "You'll have to come back Wednesday. I have no money now!"

What??? You've been open for 6 1/2 hours, and you have nothing to show for it??? ...Come to think of it, there isn't anyone else here in this joint...

"Tony's Family Restaurant: Now serving meals 1 day per week (Wednesday.)"

A rupture in the space-time continuum?

I'm due to get a recertification for my PA Department of Transportation medical card. All commercial drivers must hold a valid DOT med card. To meet this need, I need to go to an outpatient facility for a full physical exam. My boss set up an appointment for me for 9:45 this morning. Now, I was on the road, making deliveries, so the plan was to make some stops, go to the appointment, and then complete my route. I called the medical office at 8:30 to confirm my appointment. The receptionist was puzzled. "Ohh... We have you penciled in for 8:35. Can you make it?"
"No, I'm 30 miles away," I protested.
"Umm, I see. ...Well, can you be here in 15 minutes?" Miss No-help quizzed.
I couldn't believe my ears. "No! I'm thirty miles away from you. How am I supposed to make it in 15 minutes?"
Now her tone changed. She tattled, "Well, we're going to have to change your appointment to tomorrow then."
"Wait a minute," I interrupted. "How did my appointment get changed from 9:45 to 8:35?"
"OH, I DUNNO!" she drawled.

You bet you dunno! You also don't understand the laws of physics. I'd either have to "beam" over to the office, or drive at least 120 MPH to get there! What do you think I'm driving, the space shuttle???

Who's the boss, part 2

I made a delivery to the same store I mentioned in my May 31 posting. The day had been tremendously hectic, and I took note of the invoice for this store that receiving hours were 9-11 AM or 1-3:30 PM. Since it was 3:05, and I still had 2 stops to go, I went out of my way to come here. As I started unloading the truck, the owner (of foreign heritage), who has well-established that he enjoys being a jerk, met me and said, "Why you here so late? I cannot take delivery now. Too late."
I had had a very hard day, and was in no mood to put up with shenanigans. "Excuse me???" I demanded. "What do you mean, 'too late?' It's 3:10!"
"Yes," he smirked, "We stop receiving at 2:00."
I wanted to kick his Eastern teeth in. "Look, it says here on the invoice, '9-11 or 1-3:30.' This is what I go by. If you're going to change the hours, you'll need to call the business office. I cover a lot of territory, and I'm not gonna bend over backwards for any one particular store."
The Jerk asked, "Where is that time on the invoice?" I pointed right to it, and said, "Right here." Suddenly, selective blindness struck the owner. "Where? Where? I don't see!"

Do you not see my finger pointing to the little numbers? ...Apparently not!

Hey, buddy, someone's on the phone for you. It's the Cranial Rectosis Hall of Fame! You're in!!!

Many words in edgewise

There's only one thing more annoying than a person having a loud conversation on the cell phone in a public place, and that's someone else who makes themselves part of the call.
As we work through the day, Pat and I often "Direct Connect" each other and gab, to help pass the time. (BTW, for those not in the know, direct connect is the walkie-talkie feature that comes on a lot of phones.) Last week, Pat contacted me as I was walking into a mom-and-pop grocery store. "Whassup?" I replied.
"Where are you at right now?" Pat asked.
No sooner had I pushed in the "Talk" button when a middle-aged, dirty, poorly-dressed woman blurted out, "This is Pine Brook Market!"
I gave her a look that said, "Thanks, but I was the one he asked." I went back to my conversation, and said, "Like you probably heard, Pine Brook."
Pat beeped back, "How many more stops you have left?"
"Only a couple," I informed him. "I'm going to the pizzeria up the road next."
The grating voice bellowed, "Which one? Antonio's??"
In calm frustration, I excused myself from the store to get the rest of the shipment. As I loaded up my cart, chatting with Pat, and sharing a head-shaking at the Human Ear, she happened to exit the shop, and walked up to me.
"Are you going to Antonio's? If you want to know where it is, it's 1 block up, after the curve, on the right side!"
I told her I knew where Antonio's was, and Pat's voice came over the phone, with a bit of a chuckle, "Who is that?"
I knew what was about to happen, so I just pushed the button and let her answer. "Oh, it's just me. I'm nobody!"

Maybe so, but it appears you'd really like to meet my friend! Where on earth did this lady get the idea we were talking to her?

Lost: Ski mountain. Reward if found.

Oh, the the thinks you can think, if only you try!
The Scranton Times-Tribune, again proving that people do indeed say stupid things, sent their roving photographer out to ask the populace their oh-so-eloquent opinions regarding various issues... This week's nugget to chew on: "Should Lackawanna County (PA) sell the Montage ski resort (located in Scranton)?" Those who answered in the affimative were actually quite normal and got their point across succinctly. However, those who say "Nay:"
"I think it's a bad idea because it's not going to be a part of Scranton."--Arthur Robinson, Scranton.
"I don't think so. It has been in this area a while. People like to ski here. But if it's better for the area by selling it, we should. As long as it stays in the area..." --Robert Smith, Scranton.
"It's part of Scranton. If they take that away, Scranton doesn't have that much value as far as enjoyment." --Raheem Campbell, Scranton.

Where in the name of Everest do you think this place is going??? Oh, wait, I understand. These dudes must have read the verse in Scripture where Jesus says, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "Be removed," and it shall be [sold and] cast into the sea..."
And your town will suck to live in to boot.

Biased opinion? Sure, what the heck!

This past week, Hazleton (PA) mayor Lou Barletta (R) drew national attention to his little city of 23,000 by signing into law his own version of an Immigration Reform Act. Under his new guidelines, in an attempt to "take back the city from the hordes of illegal immigrants who are dominating the city with crime and a declining economy," any illegal found can be arrested and handed over to federal INS officials; all governmental documents will be printed in English, and English shall be the official language of the metropolis; and any landlord renting to illegals, or any employer hiring illegals shall be subject to fines and/or imprisonment. (The Constitutionality of this new law is now up for debate within Pennsylvania Superior Court.)
Following up on the hub-bub, the Scranton Times-Tribune newspaper decided to devote their daily "Roving Photographer" poll question to the topic. The photographer interviews 6 individuals and asks for their feedback to a specific inquiry, Saturday's being, "Should English be declared the official language of PA?"
Answers one man: "No. It should be English and Spanish. Since I moved here, I think it would be easier for the Spanish to get a job or a G.E.D." --Saint Alvarez, Scranton (PA).

First, Alvarez, huh? Gee, I wonder what his heritage is.
Second, "Since you moved here?" Uh, could I see your green card, please?
Third, Yeah, like you're all that, singlehandedly making it possible for Hispanics to get jobs and an education!

Another individual, Tim Roxby of Scranton, responded to the question: "Yes. I think it should be a federal law. It's the country, not just one spot. If we went to certain areas down in Mexico, they wouldn't be speaking English. And places like in Iraq."
...Huh??? ...DIZZYING logic there, Roxby!

War = insanity (A serious post...)

WARNING: This post contains my personal opinion on the Israel-Hezbollah conflict, which is likely to upset the conservative Christian right-wing. Please do not read if you are likely to be offended.
As I observe the horrific events taking place in the Middle East today, I cannot help but shake my head at how incredibly stubborn we as humans can be. The lyrics of an old Queensryche song come to mind... "Brother killing brother for the profit of another/ Game point, and nobody wins..."
It must be understood that the latest flare-up of violence is only the most recent chapter of a story of hate that began when Abraham had two sons, Isaac and Ishmael. Ishmael was born to Sarah's hand-maid, Hagar; while Isaac was the child of promise, according to the Bible. Hagar and Ishmael were intensely jealous of Isaac, and as a result, Abraham sent them away, where Ishmael became the father of the Arabic peoples. The hatred has not only remained, but intensified, especially since Israel became an independent nation in 1948. Israel has maintained its right to exist, while the Arabs have held its position on their desire to destroy Israel and make it a Palestinian state.
POINT #1: I believe Israel does have a right to be sovereign, and to defend herself when attacked. (Defend, NOT offend.)
POINT #2: I do NOT trust Israeli PM Ehud Olmert as far as I could throw him. (I was once very close to someone who has personal access to Olmert.) I believe he is resting his faith on his country's military might, as can be proven by his statements (when he was mayor of Jerusalem) that he would never concede 1 square inch of his beloved city to the Palestinians. He made several forceful boasts during his tenure in that post, and felt secure doing so, having the backing of people such as previous PM Ariel Sharon.
POINT #3: Hezbollah, Hamas and several other Arabic militant groups have a long history of provoking Israel to forceful actions, and had no right to kidnap and hold the two Israeli soldiers who were serving in non-active roles at the times of their capture.
All this said to address the Knesset's contention that Israel is merely carrying out her right to defend herself. By striking against the whole of Gaza AND Lebanon???
I could understand if the Israeli army carried out covert maneuvers to make precision strikes against terroristic positions, but to hold a whole country in fear is unacceptable. Though I myself am insignificant, I officially denounce Israel's attacks and state that I do not support their actions or their agenda. Israel has no right to kill Lebanese citizens who have no more to do with Hezbollah than I do. Israel and Lebanon, joined by the Arabic council, must cease hostilities and make attempts to see to the release of the soldiers (should they still be alive) through diplomatic means. God forbid, should that prove fruitless, more intelligent means need to be used to provide Israel with national security, break down the power of the terrorists and stabilize an already reeling region of the world.

Israel's stated defense of her war-mongering is definitely worthy proof of the statement, "People Say Stupid Things."

The check's (not) in the mail

Today I made a soda delivery to the most rural outpost I have. (The nearest town of any size-- tiny-- is a good 5 miles away!) Needless to say, being this far removed from civilization, the store owner is a bit detached from reality. The gulf between his brain and the world is widening week-by-week.
After dropping off the goods, he paid me with a check, as per usual. What was unusual, however, was his next question. "Do you have a check for me?"
I thought this was just a poor attempt at a lame joke, until I studied his face. He was dead serious. "Nnnnnoooooo...," I answered guardedly.
Puzzled, the owner jabbed, "I'm owed $93. I was told you'd have a check for me."
"No, sorry, I don't," I affirmed.
Not willing to give up, Mr. Woodsy stated, "I was told the girls in the business office were going to hand you a check to give to me."
My patience was wearing thin, but I politely voiced, "Sorry, but I don't see the girls in the morning. They don't come into the office until 8:00, and I'm always gone by 6:30."
Randy of the Redwoods either wasn't listening, or was ignoring me altogether. "Well, why would they tell me that they would hand the check personally to you??"
Enough was enough. "I don't know who told you what," I spoke firmly, "but I don't see anyone from the business office in the morning. If you'd like to call the office--"
Interrupting me, he interrogated, "Are you sure you don't have a check?"
WHAT???

No, that's right, I did have it, but I spent it at Kmart earlier this morning, stockpiling on Aleve! Hmm... My head's hurting now. A LOT. I think I'll go pop a few dozen.

Excu$e me!!! Time i$ money!

Today's post is sponsored by the Pennsylvania Lottery, facilitating compulsive gambling to benefit older Pennsylvanians everyday!
I went to a local convenient store today to make a soda delivery. When I brought my load into the store, there was a gentleman perched like a vulture at the counter near the lotto register. The store was being manned by one lady, who was all by herself. As she went to assist the man, the phone rang. She said, "Excuse me one moment," and answered the phone. The man impatiently glared at her. I dropped off my drinks in the back room and went back to the counter to receive payment, making sure I stepped back so that customers could be assisted first. No sooner had the clerk hung up the phone, when a young dude ran in and said, "I need a pack of (smokes,)" tossing the money on the counter. The clerk shot an apologetic look at Mr. Lotto Fever, not wanting to leave money--understandably-- lying on the counter. Then, as she tried to tell me, "I'll be with you in just a minute," the guy flipped out and snapped, "Look, I'm in a really big hurry, so could you please get my numbers for me!"
Miss Store clerk said, "Sir, I'm sorry about the wait. I'm here by myself." Unfortunately, sympathy was not to be had. "Whatever," the man ranted. "Now, are you gonna help me, or am I going to take my business elsewhere??"
In an attempt to keep her calm, I told the clerk, "It's OK. Go ahead; I'm in no rush." After all, Pushy was, right? Then this guy goes on to buy ticket after ticket after ticket. 10 minutes later, the transaction was complete. This guy must have spent at least $50 in lottery tickets! No "Thank You," no "Please," no nothing, except the greedy man snapping up his tickets and waddling out the door. (He wasn't heavy-set; he just waddled when he walked.)
I never thought belligerence could be any worse. Ah, but couple it with unbridled greed, and you have a new 3-headed monster!

All I can say is, thank God this dude ran out of money! Any more, and he'd own the lottery!

WIC: Wack-jobs, Idiots and Clods

We had our quarterly visit to the WIC office this afternoon for recertification of continued eligibility for benefits for our youngest child, age 2. Many years of personal experience have proven that most WIC employees aren't the swiftest of intellect. For example...
As per custom, WIC needs verification of family income, so it's always important to bring pay stubs from my job. However, this time, the receptionist just blandly barked at my wife, "Documents?"
"Documents?" Mish-mash quizzed. "What the heck are you asking for?"
"Did you bring pay stubs?" the gal condescendingly blurted.
"Yes," MMM replied, and handed them to her.
A pregnant pause filled the room as the WICcer handled, but did not unfold, the stub. With wonder, tempered with confusion, she voiced, "So what is your income?"

Nature-- and I, too-- abhors a vacuum!

Consumerism for the clueless

I recently had a roasted chicken dinner at a take-out place. As per custom, the dinner was accessorized by the infamous plastic bag filled with cheap utensils, napkin, salt and pepper packets, and the world-reknowned moist towellette. For some ridiculous reason, I happened to take notice of the towellette, and something written on the back caught my eye: "Directions for use."
Are you jerking my chain? You actually felt the need for printing directions for using your moist towellette? This fact, in and of itself, is completely insane, but it gets better when you read the 3-step directions. I hadn't previously comprehended that you could actually break down usage of a wet piece of paper into smaller increments!
"1) Tear open outer packaging."
Ohhhhh, is that how it works?! I thought I wasn't any cleaner!
"2) Unfold towellette."
Yeah, I guess that'd be more effective than this tiny 1" square would be!
"3) Use, wiping on hands and face."
...Does "use" actually count as a direction step? And who in their right mind would smear that thing over their face? Have you smelled a moist towellette lately? "Hey, what's that perfume you're wearing? Smells like lemon!" "Uh, it's actually 'Moist towellette!'"

If you can't figure out how to use this product without reading the directions, you don't DESERVE to have clean hands and face!

It's time to play... PASS THE BLAME!

I was making a delivery to "XYZ Pharmacy" today. This chain of drug stores receives and controls its inventory by scanning product UPCs into a scan-gun computer, which interfaces with the store computer, which hooks up with the corporate machine. When an item is scanned in as being received into store inventory, the cost is calculated to prevent overcharging or conflicts with vendor invoices.
All that said to prove a point: Big Brother does NOT come without flaws.
My delivery today was simply for 3 cases of 2-liter bottles of soda. The cost per case is $9.60, making the total on my load $28.80. Upon scanning in my stuff, the manager said, "Whoa. There's a discrepancy of over $5."
"On 3 cases?" I doubted. "Something must not have entered in correctly. Why don't you verify the products and costs?"
...Which she did. I watched the data on the scanner screen to see if there was a system error. ...And there was...
Yep, 7Up, 1 case, cost $9.60. Canada Dry, 1 case, $9.60. Root Beer, 1 case, $9.60. Scan total: $23.04???
OK, so the computer doesn't add correctly. But what was completely maddening was the attitude I got from the manager.
"There's something wrong on your invoice," she jabbed.
"No, there's not," I retorted. I watched the screen as you verified the items. $9.60 3 times equals $28.80, and the gun read $23.04."
She wouldn't give up her new math. "No, there HAS to be something wrong. We're getting overcharged by you."
I'm all for being patient, but not when dealing with blunt stupidity, haggling over 3 cases when I still have 17 more stops to make. "Look," I forcefully exclaimed, "Do you want to figure this out on a piece of paper? $9.60 times 3 is $28.80, NOT $23.04. Your system is screwed up. The error is in your system, not on our charges."
Not deterred, and clearly unwilling to be obviously corrected by some poor slob of a delivery dude, the store manager quipped, "Never mind. I'm just going to have to contact the district manager to tell them how you're overcharging us. Just put the product in the back."

*Voice of Lundberg from "Office Space"* ...Yeeeaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh...

I'm guessing that A) this gal's strong suit is not mathematics; B) this gal's strong suit is not business administration; C) this gal's strong suit is not people skills; D) this gal's strong suit is not taking responsibility for her mistakes; E) All of the above.

The British are coming! ...Is that good or bad?

Today's post comes from an article in the Saturday, July 1 edition of the Scranton (PA) Times-Tribune entitled "In History, Stupidity Still Reigns" by editor Ron Davis. These excerpts are typed verbatim as it appeared in the paper...
...Copy editor Ron Davis poses... questions to Alan Rogers, Ph.D., chairman of the history department at Boston College, where he teaches U.S. constitutional history and the American Revolution...
Q: What's the dumbest question you've ever been asked about American history? (Besides [this one,] of course.)
A: "What side were the Americans on in the Revolutionary War?"

...Well, now, isn't that revolutionary.

Live Brain Aid

My wife (mish-mash mousse) attended a Journey/Def Lepperd concert this past Friday. (...Primarily to see Journey, her favorite group; however, she stayed for both acts.) As Journey performed, my wife was very much enjoying the show, while most folks seated around her were obviously there to hear the 80's hair metal band from Britain. Right in the middle of Journey's "Faithfully," as 10,500 fans were on their feet, MMM felt a tap on her shoulder, startling her a bit. She turned around to see a woman mouthing words to her, with some dude who looks like "Milton" from the movie "Office Space" sitting next to her with a melancholy look. Due to the volume, my wife signaled to the woman that she hadn't heard what she said. The woman cupped her hands around her mouth, and yelled, "DO YOU HAVE A PEN???"
Flabbergasted, my wife answered, "NO!" and signed that she was not in possession of a purse or anything else.
The woman was unfazed. Pointing to Milton, she yelled, "His best friend is the lead singer!"

Yeah, judging by his enthused stance, it looked like it. My guess is that she felt she could get an autograph from Jouney front-man Steve Augeri, but the timing of her request was odd...

Later, as Def Leppard took the stage, between songs, fans cheered and excitedly talked. One listener, referring to DL's lead guitarist, Phil Collen, blathered, "I wonder if Phil Collins is going to sing tonight? He's got such a great voice!" Obviously, a case of mistaken identity, imagining Phil (note: spelling of name not even the same!) Collins from "Genesis."

Well, nobody said it was going to be a concert to benefit the local mensa club!!!

Welcome to the third pseudo-annual STUPIES awards!!!

(Music starts: the theme to the "Bugs Bunny Show" plays in the background behind thunderous applause...) ...And oh, what heights we'll hit / On with the show, this is it!!!
The STUPIES are back and they're better than ever! We're so glad to have you with us as we... er, celebrate... Certain people who have utilized their ridiculous... talent... of making us all thankful and appreciative that we are not as dumb as you!

The Ignernt Foo' STUPIE is awarded to the individual who displays the most appalling and irritating form of stupidity. This year, our winner has exemplified the greatest amount of "cranial rectosis" of anyone these past few months... With the following weblinks to prove his/her merit, you can definitely agree that this individual is most worthy to hold this wooden pedestal capped with fake doggie vomit high. The Ignernt Foo' STUPIE goes to.... "Anonymous!"
http://twasthen1.blogspot.com/2006/04/2nd-today-bizarre-bunny-makes-easter.html
http://twasthen1.blogspot.com/2006/04/confucius-say-duh.html
http://twasthen1.blogspot.com/2006/06/wow-justice-really-is-blind.html
The comments following each of these stories posted on "PSST" truly capture the pure ignorance of this rabble-rouser, making him an easy target-- I mean, choice as the recipient of this award...

The Cloud of Idiot Gas STUPIE is named to honor "Sierra," creator of the former blog with the same name. We very much miss his contributions to the Blogger community, and hope that someday in the future, he will find the time to make a much-desired return to the web-waves. This award "honors" the public figure who issues the most insane and incompetent statement or question in the presence of thousands of people. (Our first STUPIE winner, WNEP-16 weatherman Tom Clark, would fit into this category.) The Cloud of Idiot Gas STUPIE goes to... WNEP counterpart, reporter Bob Reynolds!
http://twasthen1.blogspot.com/2006/03/numbskull-newsmen-at-work.html
With his poor attempt to ask a rhetorical query, Bob shows how NOT to do investigative reporting!...

Lastly, the Incredulous Choice STUPIE is granted to the person who draws the most ire from me, Mr. Incredulous, for any type of expression of stupidity. The Incredulous Choice STUPIE is given to... Mr. I's former supervisor, Jan!
http://twasthen1.blogspot.com/2006/02/supplemental-to-anti-leadership.html
http://twasthen1.blogspot.com/2006/02/not-easily-confused-eh.html
http://twasthen1.blogspot.com/2006/03/non-listening-skills.html
http://twasthen1.blogspot.com/2006/03/2nd-today-follow-up-to-non-listening.html
http://twasthen1.blogspot.com/2006/03/fresh-brewed-stupidity-first-thing-in.html
Jan consistently showed poor leadership abilities and lack of proper analysis, driving me insane while I worked my butt off at the local uniform distibution center. Nothing takes the joy out of a job more than a terrible leader, as I can personally attest. For that reason, Jan was the obvious "man for the job" of receiving this STUPIE.

That concludes our show! Thanks for joining us for... the STUPIES! Come back and join us again in another 100 posts!!! I'm Mr. Incredulous, saying, "Tee-tee, ta-ta, and toodles!"

On second thought, please don't

My wife attended a Journey concert on Friday, and before the music began, she checked out the concession table. Surprisingly, Journey wasn't selling much merchandise. They did have a wide assortment of T-shirts, each of which was coded by a letter. For instance, if you wanted this shirt, it was identified by "I," or that one was "Q," or the white one over there was "F," and so on.
The only other product they carried was a pair of white lace boxer-style panties with the word "Journey" across the seat. The sign on the tent read, "Panties, $15. Ask for 'P.'"

Boy, somebody went through a lot of trouble to think that one up!

And lastly today, am I in the Twilight Zone???

Since starting my new job as a soda/beverage delivery driver about 2 1/2 months ago, I have certain businesses that have become regular, weekly stops. One of them is a small pizza shop called "Granato's."* One of the other drivers, "Kenny," relinquished that stop about 4 months ago. "Randy" had been delivering Granato's orders for the previous 45 days or so before I took it on. Every time I bring the product in, I say "Hi, how are you doing today?" ...Or something of that nature, so the owner and family have seen me countless times. Last week, out of nowhere, the owner's wife, who works in the kitchen, asked, "Where's Kenny?" I had informed her that Kenny wasn't stopping here anymore, that he had other stops nearby, but it was now part of my route, to which she responded, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh..."
So this week, I once again go to Granato's and was greeted by the owner. Somehow, I knew what was coming... "Hey, where's Kenny? Is he on vacation this week?"

This week??? OK, I think you're the ones on vacation. A permanent mental vacation.

*Name of eatery changed to save them from much-deserved ridicule, and to hide the fact of the existence of this place. If the Board of Health knew they served food, they'd probably shut it down! ...Let's just say that storing beverages in a dark, dusty basement right near an anti-freeze leak probably isn't a good idea!!!

It's just about time for the new and improved (sorry, Pat) STUPIES!!! Keep a close watch on PSST and see the gradiose of gullible... The climax of chaotic... The incomprehension of Incredulous!!! Stay tuned!

Second today: "Heartless" follow-up

I am VERY happy to report that in spite of the severe flooding that took place in Northeastern PA this past week, my boss, "Rob," managed to find another relative to get his father-in-law out of the flood plain and take him to safety. Rob had called a niece, who, though it was quite a distance for her, was kind enough to get dad out of danger. Rob had arranged for a meeting place so that dad could join the rest of the family at a local shelter.
Lo and behold, when Rob arrived at the rendezvous point, stingy bro ("I don't have the gas money") also was there. With much purpose and glee, Rob put dad in the car, then turned to the niece to thank her, and said (with brother's eyes on him) "Thanks. Here's $40 for your troubles." The brother's response? "Oh, MAN! If I had known you were going to give money, I would've gotten him!!!"
Rob said, "That was the best $40 I've ever spent."

Ah, the twisted pleasure of silent scorn...

You-u-u-u.... light up my _______!

...Comfort is so overrated, don't you think? Well, then again, I never had a light bulb stuck up my backside!
Man, I know I really shouldn't laugh, but how in the name of Thomas Edison does this happen to a person? I find it strangely ironic that a man imprisoned for making liquor (illegally) ends up in a state where one would HAVE to be seriously torqued, or else just grossly compliant.
"I don't know who did this to me. Police or other prisoners." Like that's truly important now! Even if your story is true, (The doctor treating Mohammad said he'd never encountered anything like it before, and doubted the felon's story that someone had drugged him and inserted the bulb while he was comatose) does it matter? How on earth do you prevent it from happening again? Here's a suggestion: LOTS of Ex-lax on a daily basis!

What will they insert, er, I mean, think of next???

Heartless beyond belief

I feel for my boss, "Rob." In the midst of the worst flooding northeastern PA has seen in 34 years, Rob has to evacuate his family for the next 2 days. However, amidst all the chaos, he remembered his father-in-law, who's confined to a wheelchair and trapped in his home not far from the raging Susquehanna River. Rob called his brother, who lives about 1 mile from dad-in-law, asking him to pick up dad and take him to his house until Rob got done with work and could take the whole family to safer ground. You know what brother replied?
"Sorry. I don't have the gas money."

...To drive 1 mile??? Why don't you just go ahead and say, "Dad's a burden I can't bear?"

Sadly, at the time of this writing, "Dad's" house is completely inaccessible-- all surrounding roadways are flooded. I pray the Guard can get him out. How can anyone be so cruel?

Sorry, my brain's a bit "coudy"

After a long absence, WNEP-16's chief meteorologist, Tom Clark, has made a dubious return to PSST!
Our area has been trapped in a rain vortex for over a week, and now major flooding throughout the area has begun, shutting down key roadways and communities. Almost 6" of rain has fallen in the past 4 days, and the ground cannot soak in any more water. ...So tell me why Clarkie makes this statement on the news tonight!
"Believe it or not, we're still below the water table in most of the viewing area, after the dry March we had..."

...Ri-i-i-i-i-ight... Tell that to the families who had to evacuate their homes and watch entire towns get submerged!

Dear Abby, from Stupid in Sacramento

Columns like "Dear Abby" have always driven me crazy, and a letter printed in today's newspaper illustrates why. Here's excerpts from "Lindy" in Sacramento:
Dear Abby: "Danny" and I have been together six months. During the first six weeks I was studying in Europe, and when I got back we jumped straight into an intense, time-consuming relationship. Then he asked if he could move in with me. It was all too sudden for me, and I said I wasn't ready. Danny reacted by breaking up with me. Since then, our relationship has been rocky.
Wait a momentary moment! Didn't you just say he broke up with you??? DUH!
...Danny says that he loves me... I need to regain my balance before I can be in a relationship with him again.
Exsqueeze me, but didn't you begin this letter by saying you two have been together for six months?
I want to take a couple of steps back this summer, and... build a foundation. I know Danny is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I'm not ready for that kind of commitment now.
Um, could you BE any more contradicting?!
...Should I give up and walk away, or continue to try to rebuild our relationship?
Dear Lindy: Danny may say that he loves you, but if it is more than lip service, he should be willing to give you the space you need... What you're proposing is reasonable...
HUH??? Say WHAT now???
...and if he can't respect your feelings, you should, indeed, walk away.
What in blue blazes? Is it just me, or am I the only one who sees the OBVIOUS problem here? Lindy wants a boyfriend without the "work." She's continually sending mixed signals to this smothering dude, and then Abby just feeds her fire by pointing out how demanding Danny is???
Can you say, Co-dependent???

Here's my advice for the advice lady: stop screwing up people's lives with blind insight!

Cookie Contradict Confucius

My wife and I enjoyed a Chinese dinner this evening, and of course, as always, we exchanged chuckles over our "fortunes." Mine read, "Depart not from the path which fate has you assigned."
Webster's defines fate as "...An inevitable... outcome, condition or end; final outcome."
Now, if fate is inevitable and pre-determined, how could I deviate from said path?

Obviously, this was not a saying of Confucius. I think maybe it was a quote from his younger brother, Chaosis.

Cranial Rectosis in Calgary

While I'm sure I could post a story from my travels today that would befit this blog, nothing would top what Kris experienced in a DQ parking lot up North...
http://plasticobsession.blogspot.com/2006/06/reasons-14567-and-14568.html
Did you take notice of the focal mental-lapse in this story?
...The older woman again said I hadn't and "GRANTED, I SHOULD HAVE BEEN HOLDING ONTO HIM". Ok, that is the understatement of the century, lady! I proceeded to tell them that they had been blocking my way out of the parking lot and I had waited and shoulder checked but did they REALIZE that the boy was impossible to see because of his height?! Blind spots don't discriminate. They said they had not thought of that.

Aye carumba, eh?

Man, you have GOT to get a LIFE.

My wife and I turned on the Weather Channel last night to find out if I'd be dealing with rain on my delivery route today. Only one problem: there was no weather. The whole team was talking about a solstice party in Cape Cod. The time for a commercial break came...
"Coming up next on the Weather Channel-- continued live team coverage of the first day of summer!!!"

Thanks. I needed a cure for my insomnia!

Over the edge we go! (part 2)

Yesterday, I was making a soda delivery in the sleepy little "city" of Nanticoke, PA. The store was located on a side street, and since there was no parking available there, I stopped my truck caddy-corner to it just off a four-way intersection, with stop signs in all directions. As I unloaded the cases off my truck, I looked up to see 3 teens crossing the street in the crosswalk. Suddenly, a car came screeching up to them. The woman, who I will call "Crosswalk Carrie," opened her car door and got out, yelling many colorful metaphors at the large youths. "Why don't you fucking watch where you're fucking going, asshole shit!!!"
(Interjection: in PA, it's a state law that cars must yield to pedestrians in a crosswalk.)
The apparent leader of the pack just looked over his shoulder and informantly spouted, "We have the right-of-way, fucking lady," while continuing to stride up the sidewalk.
Carrie raged, "Asshole bastards!!! Shut up, you piece of shit!! I don't give a fucking dick what you think!"
The short-statured, 50-something year old female actually took a few menacing steps after them, and now the trio stopped. The top dog coldly vented, "Get back in your car, asshole!!!"
...Which she did, still unleashing a myriad of sailor-speak, slammed her car door, laid on the horn about 5 seconds, and quickly sped off, (in a 25MPH zone) continuing her butchering of the Queen's English the entire time. Oh, and did I mention that while she was carrying on this tirade, traffic was now backed up a half-block behind her vacated vehicle in the middle of the road?

...Maybe it was the heat, who knows, but I still fail to see what causes people to experience this level of road rage... I mean, you failed to yield to those in the right, and then risk your life by chasing after 3 dudes who are each twice your size???

NOT BRIGHT.

Hey, beloved readers, it's almost that time again! Forthcoming shortly, the third, and newly expanded edition of... THE STUPIES! Stay tuned as we hand out three, count 'em, THREE Stupie awards, unofficially sponsored by Chia head and Prozac!

Over the edge we go! (part 1)

While nothing was "said," I got a HUUUUUUUUUUGE laugh out of this story...
What in the name of Mehatma Ghandi??? Obviously, Mr. Kumar has not read his teachings...

I'm not sure which looney story is better, this or "Crosswalk Carrie"?

Another senseless everyday phrase

We all use it... (Yes, me too, and I don't know why!!!)

"Watch your head!"

I can't!!! I'm inside it!!!

Wow, justice really IS blind

This story really makes me shake my head and say, "What is WRONG with people today???" Admittedly, as a home-school parent, my viewpoint is a bit biased, but how can anyone reconcile the statements in the key paragraph of this article?
Home School Legal Defense Association Attorney Chris Klicka contacted the court and explained the error, but the judge simply stated, "He doesn't know the law in Michigan." This is in spite of the fact that Klicka provided the judge with extensive information concerning the history and laws in Michigan and the battle for the right to homeschool that he had been involved in for over eight years, and that he worked on the case that went before the Supreme Court of Michigan. *bold type added for emphasis.
How on EARTH did this dude get himself elected??? You don't know the laws of Michigan??? Heck, how did you even pass the bar? You admit (by default) that you haven't read key affidavits pertaining to the case, that you care absolutely nothing about the pain and suffering that you are causing this family, and that you don't spend important time reading key legal documents which you are required to have full understanding of before you put on your holy robe and powdered wig to sit behind the bench?
Amazing. Career criminals are getting slaps on the hand left and right in this country, (pathetical short stints of "probation") roaming free to commit acts of atrocity against society, but you're gonna string along a family over a misunderstanding and $3500?!?

Stuff like this just absolutely sickens me...

Unfortunate phone number

A local dentist, in an attempt to garner more business, obtained a toll-free number, thinking what's "cute" and memorable would encourage potential and existing patients to call. However, his choice in personified numbers is questionable at best:
1 (800) 866-8422.
1 (800) TOOTHACHE.

Sorry, but I have no desire to have my teeth cleaned by someone who identifies himself with a toothache! Is this some sort of prophecy???

Another version of "No duh!"

In my travels today, I passed by an old gas station that has long been vacant and boarded up. Apparently, the owner closed up in a hurry, because he/she just enclosed the gas pumps in a cube of plywood. What was funny, however, was the spray-painted sign right next to each pump:
"NO GAS."

Gee, I'm really glad we have that cleared up because I was all ready to fill 'er up, and I didn't feel like driving 2/10 of a mile down the road to the next available station!!!

I thought nurses were supposed to make you feel BETTER!

My wife took my son to the ENT specialist today. While they were awaiting their turn, a member of the nursing staff come out into the waiting room to call the next patient... "Mr. Jones?"
Jonesey got up and followed the nurse. She asked, "How are you today, Mr. Jones?"
"Pretty good," he politely answered.
Indignantly, the nurse exclaimed, "Well, that can't be true You're HERE!!!"
Not missing a beat, Mr. Jones blandly joked, "OK, yesterday, then!"

Hats off to Mr. Jones for showing the nursing staff that humans ARE capable of having feelings and a sense of humor!

P marks the spot

Here's another lovely contribution from Roland Sweet's "News Quirks..."
Bioengineer Richard Deutsch invented a talking urinal to warn men not to drive drunk. According to the Washington Times, the Wizmark interactive urinal communicator is a motion-sensitive, battery-operated device about the size of a pine-scented sanitizer. Its miniature screen delivers a 15-second announcement to anyone using it, recommending, "Maybe it's time to call a cab or call a sober friend for a ride home." Encouraged by the response to the Wizmark, Deutsch said he has also developed a "sit-down" version for women's restrooms.

The Wizmark interactive urinal communicator??? Sounds like something used in "Star Trek" when the crew has had too much Romulan ale...
Are you cereal??? Some drunk comes staggering into the bathroom, and you expect this guy to take notice, let alone read, a message that he is urinating on??? "What's this? May... may-beee..... errrrrrrrr... Maybe it's... ti-i-i-i-i-i-i-ime.... Frhbvvvlllll... Oh, what the bloody hell?"

I'm really, really, REALLY hoping the sit-down version won't be placed IN the toilet tank... 'Nuff said!

Getting more bang for your jerk

Today's PSST post is brought to you courtesy of Roland Sweet's "News Quirks." All items collected by Mr. Sweet come from various press clippings from around the globe and are verified as authentic before he puts them to print...
Accused of lobbing a home-made bomb at his girlfriend in Rougemont, NC, Otis Cecil Wilkins, 45, insisted he was actually aiming at a beaver dam but pleaded guilty anyway. Witnesses said the bomb exploded "in a large fireball" but then rolled back toward Wilkins, igniting his shorts. He spent more than a week at a hospital burn center. "I ain't no terrorist," Wilkins told sheriff's investigators. "It was just a little bit of black powder. It was just a little boom thing."

A little boom? Seems to me your lower extremities experienced "The big bang!"

No habla Ingles? ...No artery clogger for you!

There are two extremes that this "Immigration pendulum" swings toward. One is the "Day Without Immigrants" protests. The other is located in Philadelphia at Geno's Steaks.

http://www.phillyburbs.com/pb-dyn/news/103-06092006-667618.html

I agree with Vento to quite an extent, but why would you risk losing business and enduring a political inferno just to make a point? A pretty stupid thing to do, as is Juntos's entertaining legal action. ...Actually, I qualify Juntos's considered course to be more vindictive than stupid.
Being a moderate, I think it's time for both sides of the issue to stop playing stubborn games and be more tolerant-- Vento needs to be willing to accommodate someone who doesn't speak English, and the Latino community needs to be more willing to assimilate into American culture instead of attempting to subdue it.

JMHO!!!

The "gift" that keeps on giving

A local doctor in my area, Dr. Moro (Interruption: please keep in mind that his name is missing a letter!) recently demonstrated why people skills are NOT his forte! Dr. Moro has a long-standing tradition of blowing off his patient's complaints/symptoms and telling them they're fine. He also has an established tradition of offering and performing rectal exams. You've got eczema? Rectal. A touch of the flu? Rectal. A festering cold sore? Yep, you guessed it, rectal. ...GROSS!!!!! Ah, but it turns out there's a reason (beyond a fetish) he does that...
A friend of the family went to Dr. Moro to have him check on a persistent pain in her elbow. True to form, Moro gave A... complete physical. Why our friend didn't claim her patient's right and say, "No thank you," I'm not sure, but anyway... The examination complete, our friend went to the receptionist to write a check for her co-pay. Moro's exam fee is $35. Imagine this gal's surprise when she was told the cost was $75.
"Why did his rate go up so much?" she inquired.
"Ma'am, you received a FULL physical examination. The fee is $75," she was told. After much protest, Moro himself (still missing a letter) came out and rudely addressed our friend. She was so dismayed that she refused to pay, and stormed out of the office.
A couple of days later, she contacted her lawyer, and obtained a letter addressed to Moro, along with a check for $35. Moro sent the check back with a note, "Still awaiting correct payment." Friend sent the check back to Moro, with a note, "Your exam fee is $35; please note enclosed check in that amount." Again, Moro returned the check.
Now, wouldn't it make logical sense, if you're a doctor and awaiting payment due for services, wouldn't you accept the check and just send a bill for $40???

Dr. Moro, I see an "N" in your future...

Brainless businessman

Here's a lovely story about the owner of a "Hot dawg hut" (as he calls it) getting in over his head when he was robbed Sunday evening.
You're kidding, right, Bob? You have a couple hundred ripped out of your cash register, and instead of chalking it up as a temporary loss until police could deal with the matter, you allow a huge amount a damage to be done to your luxury SUV, PLUS now you've got medical costs, too?

"It's not the brightest thing to do," Bolus said the day after the incident.

Ah, so it took you a whole day to figure that one out, Bobby? It's financial mishaps like this which probably explain why you're not mayor of Scranton!
(Background note: In 2002, Mr. Bolus ran for mayor, even though every legal expert around told him that even if he won, he couldn't serve as mayor due to a past criminal record, yet he poured in thousands of dollars into a campaign anyway. ...And lost in a landslide.)

...Where you can go

I have heard the stories of a particular little hamlet about an hour northwest of Detroit, MI, but I never knew you could find out so much info about it! Take the time to peruse over this cute little site, serving as a tourism tease! It's worth it!

www.hell2u.com

...Not that anything on this site is "stupid," per se; it's just really odd!

And to think I have to work this Tuesday. I'm gonna miss a party in Hell!

Knowledge doesn't equal communication

Our local library offers many different activities for the area children which serves as educational, as well as fun, supplements to their education. Each event requires the parent(s) to register the kids, so this past weekend, my wife called the library...
MRS. I: Hi, I'd like to register my children for the reptiles workshop on June 18th.
LIBR#1: OK, hold on one moment, and I'll connect you with someone who can help you with that. (What? Why can't you?)
...Ten minutes later, Mrs. I is still on hold and surmises they forgot to pass along the request, so she hangs up and calls back.
MRS. I: Hi, I'd like to register my children, etc, etc...
LIBR#2: Absolutely, let me get your information...
Five minutes later, the kids are registered.
Two hours later, the phone rings.
*Beep!* LIBR#1: Mrs. I, I apologize. I put you on hold, and I honestly forgot you were on the line. If you'd like to register your children for an event, please call me back and I'll assist you with that. (Then why couldn't you in the first place?)
Shortly after the call, we decided to go to the library, being it was a rainy day and the kids were climbing the walls. Upon entry into the facility, my wife is approached by LIBR#1: Mrs. I, I am SO sorry I left you on hold...
MRS. I: That's OK. I figured you just got busy, so I hung up and called back and got the kids registered.
LIBR#1: Well, nobody told me THAT!

Ah, yes, the public library system. A well-oiled machine. NOT!

General Tsao's with a side of blindness

My buddy Pat and I met for lunch last week as we both completed our delivery routes at about the same time. It was at a Chinese restaurant that I deliver to every week. (Ironically, Pat had this route before I did, so both of us were regular "visitors to this eatery.) We sat down, in our uniforms with the RC cola/Canada Dry logo emblazoned across our shirts. The waiter came to our table and asked us what we would like to drink. Pat asked for a soda while I specifically asked for an RC. The waiter replied, "Sorry, we don't have Coke or Pepsi. Only RC."

He-llooo??? Have you noticed our shirts? Better yet, do we seem a bit familiar to you???

Hmm. I guess the dragon-lantern lights make patrons look different than vendors.

Billboard bungle

In my travels today, I noticed an odd advert on a billboard. Now, I know it was for a local law firm, but to somebody just passing through might think, "HUH???"
Dog and animal bites. LaBarbera and Kelleher.*

I can see it now. A man enters an office and says, "Yes, I'd like a dog bite, please."
* Name of law firm changed so I don't get my butt sued off!

Responsible for irresponsibility

Last night, after an extremely hot and humid day, scattered thunderstorms rumbled through our area. We live in a group of apartment buildings with 4 units in each structure. After settling our kids into bed for the evening, reassuring them that even though "the sky was crashing," everything was OK, my wife and I reclined in the living room to check radar on the Weather Channel. A strong cell was heading right for us. Suddenly, we heard children galavanting about and fireworks going off. We got up and opened the door to discover 4 young kids running and dancing around a cannister of flammables. ...Right under power lines, and the sky was lit up with bright pink lightning bolts. "Kids," I called, "Get inside! A very bad storm is coming in about 5 minutes!"
One of the neighborhood "mothers" (who, by the way, never socializes with anyone, nor does she let her son interact with the other area kids) shot at us, "Never mind. They're OK! We'll be responsible!"

1) Who's we?
2) You're too good to be neighborly, but you'll watch the kids??
3) Fine. You drown in your lack of common sense and let kids play with fireworks and hang around near power lines in an electrical storm!!! That's great parenting skills!

Who's The Boss?

Today I made a delivery to a local convenient store which is owned by 2 men of foreign heritage. (I am declining to mention race/creed so as to not offend or agitate anyone!) Anyhow, the point is that the one owner seemed to have an answer for everything, even things he had no clue about.
I had 12 cases of beverages going in, and my hand truck won't carry that many in one trip, so I stacked up half the cases and wheeled them in. The co-owner told me to pick up one case from a previous weeks' order that he didn't want. I replied, "OK, I'll go get the other 6 cases and then take that out."
"NO! TAKE IT OUT NOW! TAKE IT!" he emphatically shouted.
Not wanting to raise the man's ire further, I said, "Fine. I'll just call in to the office to get the price so we can properly credit your bill."
"It's $16.95," he snapped. "You can take it off right now!"
(What was this guy's rush?)
"I'm sure that's the price, but I have to confirm this with the office. It's company policy," I stressed.
"OK," he dismissed, "You call, but I'm telling you that's the price."
Ignoring him, I contacted HQ, where I learned the cost was actually $20.95. No sooner had I hung up, when Mr. Know-It-All came back and jeered, "Did you call them?"
"Yes," I gently but slowly retorted. "The price is actually $4 more than we (translation:YOU) thought."
"Yes, very good," he smugly sniffed. "I told you it was right of you to call."

Ah, yes, nothing's better than sounding important while looking like a complete moron!

Sign language for dummies

I had to work Saturday, being my place of employment wasn't open on Memorial Day Monday. I'm not sure if it was heat, humidity or the fact that everybody decided to leave their brains in the workplace, but folks were both ignorant and arrogant, especially in the area of driving.
Everywhere I have been, there are big white lines in each lane of traffic right before you reach an intersection with a traffic light. They're there for a reason-- to keep you safe from a vehicle crash. Also, for those who are unaware, a red signal means "STOP!" I reached an intersection, preparing to make a left turn, when the car heading in the opposite direction stopped at the red light, and then screeched ahead, barely missing a crash from the vehicle with the right-of-way coming across. The stop-and-go idiot grants the other party the international sign for "I don't particularly care for you, your actions, or your having the green light. WHY?!?!
Immediately after the near-miss, the light turned green, and I began my left turn... Until little Miss Priss in her souped-up 1990-something pink Cavalier comes flying up to the red light, past the white line, and nearly into the middle of the intersection. I had already turned about 30 degrees, and now was stopped in no-man's-land, risking a collision with either the Princess's car or the foot-high curb. I gently waved to signal I needed her to back up, since nobody was behind her. Instead, she screams at me and shows me her tallest extremely on her left hand. Nice.
So now, I'm trapped in the middle of the intersection, NOBODY can proceed, and everyone's honking their horns. Pinky never did retreat, so I had to torque my tie-rods out of proportion, rolling over the curb, while she gestures continually the whole time I attempted to safely complete my turn.

So, in the future, dear drivers in Northeastern PA, you'll soon be seeing my sign for "My truck is 5 times the size of your car, and if you don't move immediately, I'll squash you like a little bug," surmised by the side of my vehicle edging closer and closer to your puny little "sports car."

A-crap-olypse

I'm gonna get a lot of flack on this post from my wife, but.... As I type this, NBC's special, "10.5: Apocalypse" is airing. Now, generally speaking, I loathe most end-of-the-world/doom-and-gloom movies, mainly because they are so INCREDIBLY unrealistic, it's like reading the "Weekly World News" for the latest on Bat-boy. This latest creation of earth's de-evolution can be summed up by the following exchange...
"Where's the epicenter?"
(After a momentary pause) "Sun Valley, Idaho."
"That's an extinct volcano!"
"Not anymore!"
(Watching the dramatic eruption which spews gas, rock and lava thousands of feet into the air) "It's not supposed to happen like this. Not this fast!"

DARNED STINKIN' WELL RIGHT, BUDDY! That's why I can't stand flicks like this!!!

Say what you mean, mean what you say

As I traveled along my delivery route Friday, I took note of a privately owned gas station/garage that evidently isn't owned by the swiftest of folks. All signs are either hand-drawn or composed of letters made up from black electrical tape. The main sign "says it all:"
ALEX'S SERVICE: We do stuff!
I guess that's good to know, depending on what kind of "stuff" you're talking about. Does stuff mean auto repairs or marijuana??? As if this sign wasn't bad enough, plastered on their gas pump was this wonderful "promise:"
Drive-offs will be shot at.
That's really great. In this day and age where folks are getting increasingly angry about the price of fuel and brazen in thefts, make an idle threat and actually encourage people to steal from you!

Or... Are you really that hardened that you disregard the law as well as everyone safety as you attempt to blow away a car speeding off?

Crying over spilt Snapple

Yesterday, I made a beverage delivery to a small local convenient store. In this particular place of business, not only am I responsible for said delivery, but also for pricing and placing the product up on the shelves. As I did this, I accidentally knocked a bottle of Snapple off the shelf, and it shattered. Being conscientious of the customers' safety, I immediately grabbed a mop, broom and a "Wet floor" sign and cleaned up the spill, and then completed the stocking of the beverages.
When everything was done, I went to get my copy of the invoice from the cashier. I had expected a "Thank you" for attending to the mess I had made. Instead, the cashier snapped, "What broke before?"
"A bottle of Snapple," I replied, adding, "I took care of it so you wouldn't need to worry about it."
"Well, are we going to get credited for that?" she demanded.
Patiently understanding that this was not a large operation, and that every cent counts, I offered, "I really don't want to take the time to go through all that bureaucracy. I'll just buy the bottle."
She looked at me indignantly. "I don't know if we can do that!"
I slowly explained, "It's an awful lot of trouble to call the office, get the unit cost on the bottle and alter all the paperwork. I'll buy it, and that way your inventory isn't affected."
Flabbergasted, she left the register and went into the back office to talk with the store manager. "He broke a bottle when he was stocking, and now he wants to buy it! Can we do that??"
The manager was equally dumbfounded. "I don't know," she replied. How much was broken?"
"One bottle," informed the cashier.
By now I was quite put out that this had become such a federal issue. I went back to the office and interrupted the pow-wow by saying, "What's the difference between my breaking a bottle and a customer purchasing it? I'm acting as a customer, wanting to buy a bottle of Snapple. What's the problem?"
Finally, the manager relented, "Well... OK, I guess. I suppose we can do that."

Yeah, tough choice. I'm willing to buy a bottle at retail price, giving you your profit margin while successfully maintaining your inventory, rather than calling up the office and tying up our accountant while she tries to figure out the cost of one lousy bottle.

...And Pat thought I wouldn't have any stupid stories to tell after I left my last job to take this one!

Just another normal night at home

Today was a very stressful day for my wife. Stress tires her out, so sometimes things come out that either are extremely odd or quite hilarious. As the day wound down, and our youngest (26 months old) progressively destroyed the living room, my wife attempted to calm him down by reading to him. He loves Thomas the Tank Engine, and we had recently borrowed a Thomas book from the library called "Crack In the Track." My wife tiredly called from the couch, "Honey, come here. Do you want to read? Mommy's got crack!"

ROFL!!!
(She DID give me permission to use this, even though I typically don't call anything a member of my family says "stupid!" Thanks for a great laugh, sweetie!)

Double-standards at their finest

Today's offering comes courtesy Chuck shepherd's "News of the Weird," as published by Weekender Wire Services. The story is printed word-for-word. I do not claim authorship in any way or part...

In April, Rudy Rios, the junior varsity coach at Chavez High School in Houston, was fired from that job after the principal learned that he encouraged students to skip school to attend protests over U.S. immigration policy. Reportedly, Rios was not fired, however, from his other Chavez High job, which is as teacher of English as a foreign language, even though Rios wrote, on an immigration-protest flier: "We gots 2 stay together and protest against the new law that wants 2 be passed against all immigrants. We gots 2 show the U.S. that they ain't ($#!^) with out (sic) us."

Nice... That's nice... Not only a fine example of leadership to the youth of this nation (legal or otherwise) but also of the use of linguistics. Even more ridiculous, punish the dude by not letting him coach sports, but leave him in a position of influence in one of the largest cities in the country?

He seems to fit in well with the "No illegals = no burritos" crowd...

Not understanding laws of supply and demand

I entered a convenient store today to make a delivery, and noticed they had a request for a credit. I had received no special instructions from my office, so I took the credit slip in and asked the store manager about it.
"Yes," he told me, "It's actually a trade. We've been waiting for the birch beer, and so we want to exchange it with a case of the RC cola you brought last week."
"Unfortunately, we're still out of the birch beer," I notified the manager. "We've been waiting for it to come in for almost a month."
Disappointed, the manager asked, "Oh, so you don't have any birch on your truck?"
"No," I replied.
Mr. Manager said, "I don't understand. Your salesman, 'Mark,' told me we could do an exchange."
"Unfortunately," I informed him, "Mark forgot to check with the office to see if the birch was in stock." Bewildered, the manager asked me, "Why would the salesman not do that?"

Hmm... An excellent question indeed...

It's a Small World After All

Tonight, Jon Meyer reported the following story on WNEP-16...
"People in downtown Scranton (PA) got a bit of a surprise this afternoon as the bomb squad was set up around the Mall at Steamtown. They responded in response to an unusual situation, when a Portuguese man walked up to a Scranton police officer and said, 'He was going to blow up the world.' Officials checked out the scene and concluded that it was all just a hoax."
FIRST, last time I checked, making terroristic threats was still a felony. Why wasn't this dude arrested? SECOND, what kind of explosive device did this senor claim to possess? Has he been taking correspondence courses from the Iranians? Was he angry that the Portuguese have been overlooked in the immigration issue? Does he want a piece of what the Tex-Mex clan's got? Has the price of gasoline got him bummed out?

The world's going crazy! CRAZY I tell you!!!

What did I just see???

In my travels, I observe a lot of things that just don't make sense. For example, Friday, I was rolling along on a country road. The speed limit was 55 MPH, and the path goes parallel to a river. As such, for a 3 mile stretch, a guard rail borders the one side of the road, while a mountain-side cliff edges the other side. So there I am, zipping through at 55, when suddenly I spot a sign which read, "Falling Rock Zone."
...Is that supposed to make me feel better? I know the objective behind the sign is to alert drivers to a potential hazard, but when you're going 55, it doesn't matter if you're as alert as you could be or you're comatose!
Can you imagine some guy just driving along, minding his own business... "Hmm," he says to himself, "What's that sign say? 'Falling Rock Zone?' Oh, OK..... AAAAAAAAGHHHHH!!!"
***THUD!***
Twenty minutes later the paramedics respond, cutting the guy out of his car crushed by a 5-ton boulder with the jaws of life... The medic calls, "Hey, bud, you OK?"
The man weakly mumbles, "Yeah... Wow! I'm sure glad there was a sign!"
"Yeah, that was lucky for you!" retorts the rescuer...

Dude, you MUST be trippin'...

Today, I had the distinct "pleasure" of co-delivering soda with "Jake." On one hand, it was nice to have an extra pair of hands on board, because I had a heavy work-load, but on the other hand, it was Jake.
Jake is a young, EXTREMELY brash, spastic, non-stop babbler. My other co-workers, Pat and "Randy" kidded with me today that I'd need some extra-strength Advil at the end of the day. ...Only they weren't exactly kidding. Truthfully, I think Jake may have ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and often makes a big mess of things by irritating folks around him, simply by being himself. (For example: he often emits a high-pitched scream at random for no apparent reason, talks with a fake southern accent and thinks it's hilarious, and cannot do simple math to save his life. He also frequently forgets where stores are located and fails to make deliveries.)
Today, he was rambling on and on and on, and suddenly began yawning. He quizzed, "Hey, you know what it means when you yawn?" Stupidly, I answered, "Yeah, your body is slightly depleted of oxygen." Importantly, Jake boasted, "Specifically, it means your brain needs oxygen when you think too much. That's my problem. I think a lot, and I guess I'm thinking too much today."

Oh, come ON.

Here, dude, I got a gallon jug of Nyquil with your name on it...

Waste not, eat not

Looks like that trip to the Chinese buffet just became a bit more Seinfeld-like.
Who owns this place, Mao Tse Tung? I mean, I know it's more offensive to some cultures than others to throw away perfectly good stuff, but doesn't this sound like the Ming-Nazi?
On the other side of the coin, you go into an eating establishment and repeatedly discard food that someone else could have enjoyed, you get called on it, and you're surprised?

I'd like to meet these people when they order Chinese take-out. They probably open all the fortune cookies, but toss them in the garbage, because they immediately don't care for the fortunes they get, like "Cease the day."

Convenient queen

Today, I traveled to the far reaches of civilization to make a soda delivery at a small (triple emphasis put on the word "small") convenient store located in the middle of nowhere off the interstate. I parked the truck, piled up the cases of drinks on my hand-truck, and entered the store. A cashier immediately came at me with a nasty glare and a sharp tongue. "You can't bring those cases in here right now. The Pepsi guy was here first, and only one vendor is allowed in at a time! It's company policy," she snorted. "Also, you'll have to take these outside and wait. I won't let you block up my aisles so my customers can't get what they want. My customers are very important to me..."

POINT #1: "Company policy???" You're a tiny mom and pop outpost set on the edge of the world! Do you think you're Microsoft or something?
POINT #2: Have you ever heard a businessman/woman say, "My customers aren't important to me?" Did you really think it was necessary to insult me? I'm just doing my job!

After waiting 20 minutes for the Pepsi dude to finish, the store manager came up to me and asked, "What are you doing out here?" I relayed my exchange with the cashier, and the manager said, "Don't listen to her. She's an idiot. I'm the boss here. Come on in..."

POINT #3: "Your" customers aren't even YOUR customers! And I will never be one of "your" customers either, because I don't shop in a store where I'm treated like a leper.

Yo quiero mi trabajo!

Attention, readers. I am about to reveal my own personal opinion about the immigration issue. Please, no nasty comments, as it IS simply my opinion. If you disagree, fine. You're entitled toy YOUR opinion. The reason I place this on my blog is because of the senseless lack of logic behind the focal statement...
I'm all for people of other races, creeds and nationalities having a chance to work in the US and provide for their families... IF... They go about it the right way! You come into the States with your visa to work, fine. You want to stay-- you go through the proper channels, and you take ACTIVE steps to become a US citizen! The "Day Without Immigrants" was a ridiculous and irresponsible excuse to manipulate the general populace of our country, and the following link, http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&ncid=1778&e=2&u=/060502/ids_photos_ts/r2048252209.jpg proves it.

Oh, no! Expel the illegals, and all the Taco Bells will shut down!!! What will I do when I want my Southwestern cuisine fix???
To reiterate: I am NOT a xenophobe! Just don't come into my country illegally and take my job away from me!!!

American politics 101

A full-page flier showed up in my mailbox today. It was from our local (Republican) congressman looking for votes to be re-elected... For my international readers, bear with me while I define our mess of a congressional system.
The two main political parties in the USA are Republicans and Democrats. Typically, Democrats are liberal in their views and agenda while Republicans tend to be conservative. With that said, I will now type what Congressman Sherman* printed...
"VOTER ALERT! Republican Voters Beware! ...Liberal Senator Ted Kennedy-- NOT a Republican!"
Oh, reeeeeeeally? I didn't know that!
"Democrat Party Chairman Howard Dean-- NOT a Republican!"
Yeah, OK, I get the point. Republican, Democrat. Got it. Why are you wasting ink and killing trees to tell me what I already know?

Would-be politician alert! Your insulting my intelligence will NOT earn you my vote!
*Name changed to spare said governmental figure head further embarrassment.